Thursday, September 4, 2014
“You’ve literally never cooked a whole turkey before, Tessa.”
I shrugged, clicking to the next website. “How hard can it be?”
Kyle lifted one brow. “I’ve never heard anyone call it easy before, that’s for sure. We were just planning to order it from a store or something like that.”
I shook my head quickly. “Nope, I’m making it. I’ve always wanted to do it before, and this is my chance.” I flashed him a confident smile. “You can help me though.”
Kyle clicked his heels together, straightened his shoulders, and gave me a true military salute. “Yes, ma’am.”
“Ma’am?” I laughed, shaking my head. “How about miss? I’m still young enough to be a miss.”
He repeated the salute again. “Sorry, miss. I’ll help you burn down the house, miss.”
I smacked his chest. “Oh, please.”
The corners of Kyle’s mouth lifted into a smile, and he winked at me. He didn’t get a chance for a snappy retort, however, since my dad walked in carrying a huge cardboard box.
“Guess what I got!” he called over the top.
“If there’s a live turkey in there, I’m out,” I declared.
My dad put the box on the ground, and Beast immediately ran to it and began trying to chew the edge off of. “The way Beast is attacking the box, maybe!” my dad said seeming to tease, then he waved his hand to say it wasn’t. “It’s a deep fryer. For the turkey.”
“What?” I balked.
“YES!” Kyle fist pumped the air. “Best idea you’ve ever had, sir.”
“Thanks, son.” My dad beamed with pride as he started pulling a giant stock pot and other random components out. “Now we need to do this outside, but it’ll be so fast. What size turkey do we have?”
“Ten pounds.” I eyed the contraption suspiciously, because I’m pretty sure I’ve heard dozens of stories of deep-frying-turkeys burning houses down. “How long will it take to cook in that?”
“For ten pounds, I think about thirty-five minutes.”
My brows lifted. “For a full turkey?”
Kyle nodded, confirming my dad’s assertion. “That’s the beauty of the deep fryer, babe.”
I gingerly stepped over to it, going slowly since my body was all aches and pains. “Well…I have always wanted to try deep fried turkey, but I get to prep the bird and drop it in.”
My dad gave me a thumbs-up. “You got it, sunshine.”
He and Kyle began taking everything outside, far enough from the house to hopefully avoid disasters. I began pulling food out of the fridge for the sides and desserts.
“Ready to start, Tessy?” Elly waltzed into the kitchen, freshly showered after her run. “What are we making?”
I pointed to my computer screen that had a list of dishes and the recipe for each.
She read it out loud. “Mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, homemade pumpkin pie and apple pie, and green bean casserole. Oh man, we’re going to pig out!”
I grinned and handed her a mixing bowl. “That’s the goal. Which do you want to do?”
“I’ll do potatoes and casserole, you do desserts,” she offered.
I nodded in relief, because the potatoes sounded like they were going to take more energy than I had. “Perfect. Oh, and I’m going to prep the bird.”
“We should get it in the oven fast. Those take forever to cook.”
“Nope.” I pointed out the window to where our dad and Kyle were setting up the deep fryer. “Dad bought a deep fryer, so it doesn’t take long.”
“I thought deep fryers always set people’s houses on fire…” She nibbled on the edge of her thumb. “Is this a good idea?”
“Definitely not.” I shrugged. “But are you going to stop them?”
That earned me a big grin when she turned away from the window. “Like that’s even possible.”
We both laughed and returned to our prep work. I fixed the turkey first, getting it washed and seasoned and stuffed full of flavor, ready to be dunked in hot oil. It only took me a few minutes, but I was winded by the end of it and had to sit while prepping the pies.
A couple hours went by and the kitchen smelled so good, my stomach was growling. I hadn’t had much of an appetite in months, so I was excited for both the food and another Thanksgiving with my family. Our last Thanksgiving had been lackluster at best. Elly had been at school and hadn’t made it home over break. We’d invited Kyle’s family, but they’d been finding enlightenment in a yurt in Alaska, or something equally as absurd.
When it was time to deep fry the turkey, Dad helped, both of us fully covered in aprons and long gloves to keep the oil from burning our skin. We lowered the bird into the pot while Elly and Kyle set the table for dinner. Sure enough, a little under forty minutes later, the bird was crispy and perfect.
The weather was beautiful—it was still September, after all— so we set a picnic table outside with a red checkered tablecloth, a gourd filled with small pumpkins as a centerpiece, and neatly folded checkered napkins to match. I felt like a freaking domestic goddess.
I wanted everything to be perfect and memorable, even if I wouldn’t be the one remembering it.
“What’s left?” Elly looked around the kitchen, having helped me make several trips out to the table already. “Is everything outside?”
“I think just the pies,” I replied, pulling open the oven. Beast bounced around my feet, but I pushed him away, worried he’d burn himself.
Elly grabbed pot holders, and we each picked a pie and headed outside. I was only a few steps behind her. My feet felt tingly, and I wondered if I had pushed myself too hard today, spending so much time standing. I was definitely tired, but this was a million pins and needles stabbing my legs. I wobbled and swayed, clutching the pie in my hand, but it was too late.
My left foot disappeared, like it wasn’t even attached to me. I looked down and saw it, but I couldn’t feel it. The surprising sensation, or lack thereof, tipped me sideways and I stumbled. I tried to catch myself, but with the pie in my hand, it was a losing battle.
In an odd, slow motion slump, my butt hit the concrete patio as I cradled the pie against me—because, damn it, I worked hard on that pie.
I was suddenly sitting on the ground, staring at my feet splayed in front of me. I could see it. I moved my leg, saw my foot move in turn, but that was it. I tried to wiggle my toes—they didn’t budge. I shook my leg, but my foot just dangled like it had no other choice.
I can’t feel my foot.
“Tessa?!” Panic sounded in Kyle’s voice as he rushed to me, Elly and my dad close behind. “Are you okay?”
I nodded slowly, unsure, but not wanting to alarm them.
“Here.” My dad took the pie out of my hands and gave it to my sister. “Let us help you up. You okay?”
He and Kyle grabbed me beneath both arms and lifted me into a standing position. They let go and I immediately tipped to the side again and fell into Kyle’s chest.
Luckily, he reacted fast and grabbed me, holding me steady against him. “Tessa, what’s wrong?”
My bottom lip trembled, and I looked over at the decorated table, devastated I might be about to ruin a moment that meant so much to me. Finally, I pointed at my leg. “My left foot.”
“Did you hurt it when you tripped?” my dad asked.
“I can get you some ice,” Elly volunteered.
I shook my head. “No, I tripped because of my foot. I can’t feel it.”
Kyle helped me hobble to my chair. He bent on one knee in front of me and lifted my leg, rubbing up and down my calf. “Can you feel me here?” He touched just below my knee, pushing in slightly.
I nodded.
He moved lower. “Here?”
I nodded again.
He touched my ankle, pushing in lightly and I felt it, but…differently. I could feel a pressure, but couldn’t pinpoint where it was coming from. “Sort of. It feels numb but hurts. If that makes any sense.”
It was his turn to nod. “How about here?”
I could see he was squeezing my toes. I saw it—I couldn’t feel it.
A cold wave swept through my body, and I trembled under the knowledge that this was happening. My symptoms were getting worse and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
“Can you feel here?” he asked again, tapping the sole of my foot.
I swallowed hard. “No.”
“I’m going to call the doctor.” Kyle placed my foot on the ground and headed for the house.
“No!” I called out after him, almost shouting. I hadn’t meant to be that loud, but damn it, I’d worked so hard on dinner.
“Tessa, he needs to know about this,” he argued.
My dad nodded his head. “I agree with Kyle, sunshine. This is serious.”
“It’s not,” I replied. “We knew numbness would start soon. Paralysis eventually. It’ll probably be fine later, and if it’s not, there’s nothing the doctor can do about that. I just want to have Thanksgiving dinner with my family. We all worked so hard to put this together.”
Elly was beside me now, squeezing my shoulder and facing against the men in a sign of solidarity. “It’s up to Tessy how she wants to handle this.”
Kyle and my dad traded glances, before my dad finally spoke up. “We’ll have dinner, but after, we call.”
Kyle didn’t look like he fully agreed with the plan. “Immediately after, and we follow whatever advice the doctor gives.”
That seemed fair. “Okay.”
Elly looked between the rest of us. “Well, um, everything is ready, so…dinner is served?”
She seemed hesitant, but I squeezed her arm. “Time to eat!”
Kyle helped me push my chair into the table, and everyone sat down in their respective places. “This smells really good, babe.”
I beamed. “It wasn’t just me. Elly helped a lot.”
“And I put together the turkey fryer!” my dad announced, brandishing a large carving knife. “I’m going to cut this bird up. Legs or breast?”
“Wait!” I put my hand up and shook my head. “Not yet. First, we have to say what we’re thankful for.”
Elly and Kyle exchanged glances, and I knew they were both thinking the year hadn’t boasted a ton of grateful moments. There were a lot of shitty parts to my life, but the people were pretty damn great. They were who I was grateful for.
“I’ll start,” my dad volunteered. “I’m thankful for my daughters. Beautiful, loving, good. That’s all you can ever ask for as a father—to raise children who make you proud of who they are. Not what they do, what they have, or what they accomplished. Just who they are.” He lifted his glass, as if in a toast to us. “Tessa, Elly, you two are what I’ve done right in my life.” His voice tensed, and he took a deep breath. “I’m thankful for my baby girls.”
I pulled my lips between my teeth and bit down to keep from crying. I’d always felt I’d gotten my optimism from him—always able to find the good. Even in a time like this, he still was thankful for love, for us.
Elly didn’t hide her tears, letting several streak down her cheeks as she held our dad’s hand. “We love you too, Daddy.”
I squeezed his other hand. “So much.”
“I love you too, girls.” He smiled widely then looked at Kyle. “And I haven’t forgotten you, Kyle. I’m thankful you came into my oldest girl’s life and have been so good to her. I’m thankful I’ve gotten to know you as a man, and as my son.”
Kyle offered him a smile, tight-lipped and deep, his hand on his chest. “That means a lot, sir.”
My dad lifted one brow. “You know you can call me ‘Dad’.”
Elly’s mouth fell open. “He can?”
My dad nodded. “Yeah. I think it’s time. He’s my son.” He turned to Kyle. “You’re my son, Kyle. You always will be. Even…” He glanced at me, then my husband. “Even after.”
I reached out a hand to Kyle and wrapped my fingers around his, my other hand in my dad’s. The two most important men in my life. Here. Supporting each other. Loving each other.
I’m thankful.
“My turn,” Elly announced. “Can I go next?”
“Go for it, baby girl,” my dad told her.
She smiled at the table—that same innocent, unsure tilt to her grin she’d always had. She was an adult, but when I looked at her, all I saw was the little girl who used to follow me around the playground, hanging on my every word. I saw the child who didn’t say her first word until she was five, but who I understood as if she was speaking full sentences. Everyone had called me her translator, and said she’d speak when she was ready.
Our mother had had cancer during the pregnancy, and they said it had affected the baby, but once Elly started talking, she never stopped, and there was never another sign of trouble. My dad had worried, but not me. Never once. Elly communicated with me… somehow. I’m still not sure how I knew what she wanted or was saying, but I did.
To this day, I still just did. I knew her like the inside of my heart, because she was. She was my everything.
I’m thankful.
Elly took a deep breath, then started. “Okay, well, I’m thankful for a lot this year. I’m also not thankful for a lot, too. And it may not be tradition, but I’m going to say both.”
Her statement was more of a warning than asking for permission, and no one tried to stop her. “I’m thankful for the little things, like our trip to Niagara Falls. I’m thankful for this move, even if it’s temporary. This house is breathtaking, right on the water.” She gestured to the lake. “I’ve always dreamed of seeing water out my bedroom window.”
“Me, too,” I agreed.
“I’m also thankful I have understanding advisors at school who helped me take this semester off. I’m thankful I only have less than a year of undergrad left. I’m thankful for all you guys have sacrificed to get me through school.”
I beamed at her, pride seeping through me. She was excelling in college, and I’d been pretty guilt ridden at her taking this fall off, but her advisor had assured her it wouldn’t put her far behind.
“But also…” Elly sighed, her expression frustrated as she carefully picked what she would say next. “I’m not thankful. I’m not thankful when the real Thanksgiving comes in two months, my sister might not be there to share it with me. I’m not thankful we have to sit idly by and watch a disease we can’t see take Tessa from us. I’m not thankful you’re dying, Tessa. And that’s everything. That’s bigger than all the good things. It’s the only thing on the list that matters. So, I don’t know, but maybe I’m not thankful at all.”
I watched her from across the table, feeling the heartbreak in her words as she stared down at her plate. I split open so wide I’m not sure I’d ever be able to close again.
She glanced up at me, and despite everything she’d said, she said even more in that one look. We had an entire conversation with just the tears in our eyes.
And I’m thankful.
My dad and Kyle looked between us, knowing they were missing words they were never meant to hear. “They’re doing it again,” Kyle whispered to my dad.
My dad grinned. “I’m going to miss that.”
Returning my focus to the table, I asked, “Who’s next?” Beast barked on the ground by my feet, and I startled. “Jeez, Beast! You’re going to give me a heart attack.”
“Damn dog,” my dad muttered.
I laughed and scooped him in my arms, holding the fluffy white dog in my lap at the table. He tried sniffing his way toward the turkey, but I held him firmly, knowing his agenda.
“It’s my turn,” Kyle answered my question, draping his arm over the back of my chair and leaning closer to me. “Although I don’t know how I can top those two. That’s probably the first thing I’m thankful for—this family. I love my family to pieces, but closeness was never really valued in our home. Everyone did their own thing, and sure, we supported each other, but in our own way. But this family? You guys show up. You show up when it matters, when it’s inconvenient, when things aren’t fun. And you welcomed me in to that.”
“Always welcome, son,” my dad echoed.
“Yeah, you’re my big brother!” Elly chimed in, smiling at my husband in a way that made my heart explode with warmth. The way my family loved my husband was so beautiful.
I’m thankful.
Kyle nodded his appreciation. “Most of all, I’m thankful for you, Tessa.” His eyes were on me now, blazing green with pain and passion and pure honesty. “I’m thankful I found you. I’m thankful you found me. I’m thankful that even if we only have a few years together, at least I had any time at all. If I’d never met you, my life would have been empty and I wouldn’t have even known it—but I’d have felt it. I’d have always felt something missing.”
Tears were flowing down my cheeks now, because his words were sad, but they were his heart. And I was so damn thankful.
“I love you, Tessa. I’m thankful for you, and every Thanksgiving for the rest of my life—and every day in between—I’ll be thankful to have been your husband.”
I shoved out of my seat so fast, Beast fell to the ground, casting an annoyed look at me. I barely noticed as I haphazardly threw my arms around Kyle’s neck and kissed him hard on the mouth, his arms steadying me as I balanced on one foot. There was nothing sweet or affectionate about my kiss. It was hard and intense and as pain-filled as our hearts were.
My dad had his napkin under his eye, wiping away the evidence of a single tear as he snorted loudly. “Fucking hell, son,” was all he managed to say.
Men didn’t cry, or at least that’s what my dad liked to pretend. I’d heard him behind closed doors shedding tears more than once since my diagnosis, but I hadn’t told a soul.
Elly needed a moment to composed herself as well, but then she stood and hugged Kyle. “That was beautiful.”
“Tessa, you haven’t gone yet,” my dad pointed out.
“My turn.” I sat straighter in my seat, taking a deep breath. “This year, I’m thankful for chances. The chance to move to a new place, a dream house with a dream view. The chance to go on trips and explore new places I might not have gotten around to before. The chance to spend time with the people I love.” I made sure to look at each of them. “I’m thankful for the chance to take control of my cancer, and of my life. I’m thankful for the chance to say goodbye.”
Kyle rubbed my shoulder, and Elly sniffed again.
“Happy Thanksgiving, guys,” I finally said, shrugging my shoulders in exhaustion at the emotional moments we’d all just shared. “Now, let’s stop crying and eat this freaking turkey!”
Laughter burst out all around and my dad picked up the carving knife. “Happily!”
“I want a drumstick,” Elly declared, and Beast started barking the moment Dad’s knife touched the bird. The dog was claiming his piece, too.
“Happy Thanksgiving, Tessa,” Kyle whispered in my ear, kissing me on the cheek before filling up his plate.
I didn’t rush to fill mine right away, but instead watched my family laugh and joke and stuff their mouths with food I’d helped prepare. We were all so raw, and we loved each other so beautifully that I knew my life was already fulfilled. I would have a shorter time than most, but I’d already lived more because of these three people.
I was so damn thankful.