Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.
-Thomas Jefferson
At one o’clock in the morning, Karma slept the sated sleep of a woman well-tended, curled in Mark’s arms. After their intense loving, they had taken a quick shower to rinse away the sticky remnants of juice, honey, and almond butter, made love one more time, and then she had drifted into sleep.
Her steady breaths were a stark contrast to her cries of pleasure earlier, but he liked both equally. Even now, he wanted to touch her, caress her face, wake her with kisses, and start all over again and lift her to the peak of pleasure just so he could watch her angelic face twist with passion and hear her cry his name.
She had turned out to be such a surprise. At every turn, she threw him a curve. With the women he dated before, he had anticipated their every move, gauging their reactions to the second. He had known when they would balk and when they would embrace. With Karma, he never knew. All he could do was make his best guess. Sometimes his guesses were on target, sometimes not.
Like tonight. She had taken to his game without a blink. Without resisting, she had let him blindfold her and put unknown objects in her mouth. He’d had no intention of tricking her or giving her something he thought would disgust her, but she hadn’t known that. And yet she had accepted everything without question.
Trust existed between them. A kind of trust that only came with honesty and full disclosure. Last night he had finally come clean about his past and why he was the way he was, and instead of pushing him away and telling him this was all too much for her, Karma had bravely forged ahead. She knew the risks, and she knew he would leave and why, but that didn’t deter her. She still wanted him for however long they had together, and that spoke highly of her spirit and courage, because he knew parting ways would be hard. For both of them. But that was how it had to be. He couldn’t give her the future she deserved, and he couldn’t risk letting go of his heart again. But there was a middle ground, and that’s where the two of them now existed…in the thin sliver between the proverbial rock and a hard place. This was where the past and the future held no sway, where he could hold and cherish her before his inevitable departure. For now, this was enough, and from the way it looked, it was enough for her, too.
He grinned fondly as he watched her sleep. He was happy. With her, he found a measure of contentment he hadn’t found with anyone else, not even Carol. But then he wasn’t the same man he had been six years ago.
Karma’s hair was tangled and knotted after their lovemaking, but the imperfection endeared her to him rather than made her appear flawed. Her lips were parted almost seductively even in slumber, urging him to kiss her. But he wouldn’t. She needed to sleep.
If only he weren’t so emotionally damaged, maybe they would have stood a chance. But a long-distance relationship would only end badly and destroy all the good memories they’d made during these few precious months. Trying to force a relationship would be a costly mistake, and he didn’t want to do that to either one of them.
Still, everything about her seemed custom-made to fit, just like one of his tailored suits. Every inch of her molded perfectly to every inch of him. She was like a favorite sweater, warm and comfortable.
He stared at her, somnolent, ready for sleep but not wanting to miss a moment.
Closing his eyes, he listened to her soothing, deep breaths, felt the gentle rise and fall of her body against his, and let her warmth ease his mind.
Carol had ruined everything. She had taken away his confidence and his ability to give away his heart.
But she hadn’t taken away this night. She hadn’t robbed him of this one perfect, almost spiritual evening with his Karma.
His Karma.
Tonight, she belonged to him and his heart was hers.
“I love you,” he whispered.
Just this once, in the magical silence of his bedroom, with her fast asleep in his arms, Mark admitted the truth. He did love her, and while he allowed himself this brief indulgence of honesty, he would never utter the words again. This was his moment, and now that he had said the words, he would hold them in his heart forever. He would set her free when the time came. He would. It was the right thing to do.
But for now, loving her was right. He sighed contentedly, burrowed his nose into her still-damp hair, and finally allowed himself to sleep.