You Should Smile More 
How to break free from the Cult of Nice.
I’d like to begin this chapter with a shout-out to any readers who’ve been urged to “Smile!” while walking down the street minding their own goddamn business. Raise your hand if you know what it’s like to unnaturally contort your face in order to avoid being singled out, criticized, or retaliated against.
This happened to me approximately EVERY DAY when I lived in New York City. No, I’m exaggerating. Every other day. On public transit, in a crosswalk, at a bodega—you name a locale and a stranger has told me that I should be smiling in it.
A passing cyclist once told me to smile as I stood outside my dentist’s office postfillings, waiting for a cab; a cabdriver told me to smile after I narrowly escaped being assaulted at a stranger’s apartment; and a guy on the subway told me to smile the day after I euthanized my cat.
What is it with these arbitrary demands on the formation of my lips, cheeks, and teeth? Who cares whether I look happy to be on my way to work or back from lunch or just having left the doctor’s office after an invasive procedure? And why is it my responsibility to smile at all, especially during the act of being harassed?
SERIOUSLY WHAT IS THAT ABOUT CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN IT TO ME.
(It doesn’t happen quite as much now that I live in the Dominican Republic, although a lot of people who definitely did not come out of my hoo-hah nevertheless address me as “Mami,” accompanied by a distinct hissing/clicking noise that might mean “You should smile more” in a local dialect with which I am not yet familiar.)
Anyway, this whole chapter isn’t about street harassment (though the daily struggle between resting bitch face and the patriarchy is real, it is an epidemic, and I’m happy to be the four millionth woman this week who’s gone on record as saying so), but an unsolicited “Smile!” is emblematic of a major obligation in the social contract: to LOOK or ACT or SAY SOMETHING nice when you have no desire or reason to do so.
I’d like to talk about why that is total bullshit for everyone, not just the Resting Bitch Facers among us.
The Cult of Nice
The Cult of Nice recruits across gender lines and doesn’t distinguish between our personal and professional lives. It worships those who walk down the street grinning like they just watched America’s actual funniest home video. It targets coworkers whose daily to-do lists include “expressing unwanted sympathy for your love life” and “making inane chitchat from the doorway while you’re trying to get work done.” And it elevates to godlike status those who are capable of biting their tongues when Uncle Pete brings up Hillary’s emails at an otherwise pleasant family gathering. In 2028.
I mean no disrespect to card-carrying and aspiring cultists—it’s impressive to be that nice all the time and I’ve got no beef with it. But what comes naturally to them might not come naturally to you or me, and it is our prerogative to shut the door firmly in the face of would-be recruiters.
You want to walk around looking expressionless or morose? Have at it.
You want to conserve time and energy by not engaging in small talk just to appear personable? Fine by me.
You want to unleash the fury of a thousand Huma Abedins the next time Pete mumbles “Benghazi” through the pumpkin pie lodged in his jowls? Make it so! (Not only will I not stop you, if provided with enough advance notice I would happily show up and record this exchange for posterity.)
However, and as always, please don’t take my acceptance of less-than-nice behavior as carte blanche to act all nasty. I’m not trying to breed any American psychos here. I’m just saying that it’s possible to be polite, productive, and professional without walking around sporting Howdy Doody’s “O-face” on the regular.*
Here are some tried-and-true methods for doing you without being supernice (or feeling superguilty) about it:
When someone tells you that you’d look nice if you smiled more…
… gaze directly into their eyes, unblinking, until they look away
… tell them you lost your cheek muscles in ‘Nam
… wear a Bane mask on subsequent public outings
When someone tells you that you could stand to “make nice” with family or coworkers…
… say that “nice” is a relative term in that it does not apply to all your relatives
… tell them you would, but you’re awfully busy getting shit done
… remind them that being nice didn’t work out so well for a certain carpenter from Nazareth
When someone tells you that if you don’t have anything nice to say, you shouldn’t say anything at all…
… kindly refer them to the next section of this book.
There’s too much traffic on the high road
As a writer, I’m well acquainted with criticism, both valid and baseless. The valid stuff never feels good, but it comes with the territory and I accept it. The baseless stuff feels even less good, but you gotta laugh it off, ignore it, or not seek it out in the first place—especially if you are, according to Amelia from Amazon.com in a review of your first book, “a lying, selfish, arrogant, passive-aggressive monster, who has never faced real adversity in her entire life.”
Would it be better if Amelia—who clearly had nothing nice to say—had decided not to say anything at all? Well, I don’t encourage her brand of baseless criticism, but it’s a free country (for now, at least) and she has every right.
What I do encourage is not letting “nice” get in the way of defending yourself, your values, or the goddamn truth in the face of abject dickery—assuming that you have valid provocation and engaging with the provocateur is worth it to you.
Way back in “How to be ‘difficult,’” I talked about pushing for what you want and pushing back on what you don’t. We covered collegial disagreements and differences of opinion on what constitutes the appropriate doneness of an eight-ounce filet. And I addressed peaceful cohabitation, better hotel rooms, and all of your boudoir needs, as well as having the courage of your convictions under the pressure to conform to someone else’s point of view.
In each of these cases, my advice was heavy on employing straightforward politeness to achieve your goals. You don’t have to leave menacing notes for your roommate or flip your boss’s desk in order to make your feelings known.
And yet.
Occasionally you get provoked, and then there are only two ways forward:
1. You say nothing at all and someone else gets away with being an abject dick.
2. You decide to get NOT VERY NICE.
And I’m not talking garden-variety difficult, here, either. I’m talking a good old-fashioned, throat-clearing, deep-breath-taking, fixing-of-your-opponent-with-a-steely-gaze dressing down. Not just a clap back, a SLAP back (figuratively, of course).
If you find yourself in a position such as or akin to the following, I hope you’ll feel comfortable saying something, even if it isn’t nice:
Situation: Your Facebook friend announces that “climate change is a hoax.”
Response: “Please note that, should you become trapped in rising floodwaters, your diseased brain cannot be used as a flotation device.”
Situation: Your grandmother says, “If I’d known you’d put on so much weight, I would have bought you a bigger size.”
Response: “It’s a good thing that ugly sweatshirts, unlike family members, can be returned or exchanged!”
Situation: The plumber fails to show up within three hours of the appointed time… three times in a row.
Response: When he finally does fix the sink, use the memo section on your check to write “I HOPE YOU USE THIS MONEY TO BUY YOURSELF A WATCH, FUCKFACE.”
When it comes to saying something nice, saying nothing at all, or getting all up in somebody’s face, ask yourself two questions:
1. Is there valid provocation? (i.e., have you, your values, or the truth been assaulted?)
2. Is a not-nice response on your part worth (to you) any subsequent conflagration?
In the case of Me vs. Amelia from Amazon, yes to one, but “eh” to the second. I have better things to do. However, if the answer to both of those questions is a resounding “Hell yeah!” then you do you, my friend.
As a wise person* once said: “Two wrongs don’t make a right—but it sure makes you feel good.”