KARLEE GOT AN EMAIL one day. The subject line said: I’m Xavier’s dad.
She clicked on it, thinking even Spam wasn’t usually so direct or blunt. It was indeed from Xavier’s dad. He included a picture that she recognized from one Xavier had.
When Xavier and Karlee were moving his stuff out of the room he rented near the college, Karlee came upon a photo and she asked him who the guy was. Xavier shrugged, then he said it was his father before shredding it and tossing the bits into the trash. His utter lack of remorse in doing that with the only picture he had of his father concerned Karlee.
The man’s email complained that Xavier was ignoring him. And blocking him on his phone. He claimed he simply wanted to see Xavier. And talk to him.
Karlee politely declined to help, saying Xavier already made his decision so she intended to respect it.
His reply was about the last thing she expected. She was ready to delete it when the words caught her eye.
Fuck you, bitch, and just know this: he found you. He hunted you down and stalked you. For years he searched for a way to fuck you. Don’t believe me? This is what I found hidden inside the stupid shed where he wasted his pansy-ass time playing his stupid songs. Look for yourself. Who is that? Check the date on it. I found it here.
Karlee looked at a timeline of herself. Pictures of her. Clippings of Rob, Zenith, and her? All sorts of articles that were even vaguely related to them. The man snapped screen shots and uploaded them to the email. The evidence was hard to deny. But she had to. He obviously had it in for Xavier and intended to cause him harm unless Xavier agreed to pay him. This was designed specifically to stir up trouble. He probably wanted her to storm in there dramatically and…
She lowered her head and her heart thumped louder. Was that her class schedule? She instantly recognized the classes from her first year at the college. That was three whole quarters before she even met Xavier. Why did Xavier’s father have a copy of her class schedule? Why would anyone bother to collect it? It was damning for Xavier to have, not his father. Not like the stuff of blackmail that people demand money for. So why?
He enrolled in that little college just to meet you and he did. He was obsessed with your dad and that’s all he ever talked about when he bothered to talk. He pulled it off, huh? Used your dad to launch his idiotic career as a useless singer. Does he fuck you too?
Karlee suddenly recoiled as if the phone were physically contaminated by the filthy emails she received. Her breathing was harsh and irregular. No way could he be telling the truth. NO! There had to be something more than what she was seeing. There had to be an explanation.
Xavier did not stalk her for a year and become her partner just to… what? Expect her to someday get him an album deal? The logic of that was insane. So farfetched any sane person would instantly reject it. Wouldn’t they? If they didn’t, they would have to be unstable. Not mentally okay. There was just no way… None! No.
But, that’s exactly what appeared to have happened.
No. Who would do such a conniving, nefarious act? Going to so much work and planning? The chances of success were slim to none, certainly not enough to justify all the time and complete immersion required for becoming the innocent stranger he presented himself to be to her.
And she fell for it hook, line and sinker.
Had he been fucking with her the entire time?
Her stomach cramped at the horrible thought. No. Oh, no. Not Xavier. Her Xavier. The boy she discovered and fell for. The man she saw him becoming was about to enter the caliber of greatness. But they would keep it real and sane and healthy. They intended to do everything right. They had plans. Together. Their adventure was a ride to the stars on rainbows and sunlight.
How dare this rude man suggest he was fucking her just to get here? No. Xavier wasn’t like that. He was kind, sweet, and loving. He needed her and her family, and they needed him.
Xavier had merely survived until he met her. After escaping a horrible father, he had to endure his life alone until they met. The love, compassion, and care she showed him, along with her family, made Xavier feel like part of them. He wasn’t faking that; he couldn’t be.
Her shoulders sagged. She could not believe he was pretending all this time. Not with her. She shuddered and a sob escaped her mouth. Oh, no. She could not be so wrong. So terribly wrong.
Scrambling to her feet, Karlee started out the door of the hotel room they shared in a town near Las Vegas. They’d splurged after a particularly well-received and well-paid show. Traveling with their security details only, Karlee scrambled outside to the lovely grounds and started strolling through them. She stared down the street. Her thoughts were conflicting and hard to follow.
She needed to think harder. She wished all of it were not true.
Was she being dishonest by questioning if it were true? Xavier would be so angry if he knew she had. Right? And that would be the extent of it. She’d have to apologize and beg his forgiveness for doubting him. For not believing he was true and being fooled so easily. Anyone could claim to be his father. Even a troll or a fan. Look at what happened to Rob and Eric when one of Rob’s damn fans tried to take some shots at him and kill him. Anyone could plant a story about Xavier hunting her down to get here. Any jealous girls seeking the newest thing on the music scene, the promising new rock star, Xavier, could figure out a plausible story to sell.
Yes. Wasn’t that more feasible than Xavier using her to meet Rob?
The weather grew colder, but still she walked. She dug her hands into the pockets of her jacket and let the wind whip through her hair and around her face. Hot tears pricked her eyes. She and Rob and everyone else in her family couldn’t be that wrong. Could they?
No way could this boy, this guy, stalk and play all of them? Not all of them. With her as the catalyst? The contact? The point person? Dear God, the sheer commitment that was required for this to continue for so long. He lived with them. Wow, who does that for a singing career?
But the answer was: many. Many people would do that in a heartbeat.
Did Xavier?
She couldn’t bear the mental pressure when she tried to decide if he did.
The sky darkened and she had to go back. It was getting late and she was alone, so she quickly circled back to the hotel but hated the idea of going inside.
What and who awaited her?
Xavier called Karlee. Eventually, he found her phone thrown on the floor. It was in silent mode. She’d left it behind. Worry gnawed at him. Where could she possibly go? It was so unlike her to go out after dark without notice or taking her phone.
What the hell? Where was she? A sharp stab in his stomach made his worries more physical. He paced nervously but felt like he accomplished nothing. Grabbing his phone and key, he raced downstairs and searched the lobby. He consulted the front desk, and checked the bar and restaurant. No sign. No one at the pool, spa or workout room. He walked the grounds and the nearby streets for an hour but still nothing.
His growing fear colored his thoughts and a dreaded sense of unease overcame him. Where was Karlee and why didn’t she take her phone?
Stressed and tense, he hurried back to the room to call the police, her parents, and anyone else he could think of who might know how to track her down.
He stopped dead after bursting into their room. There she was.
He nearly dropped to his knees in relief. She was fine. Safe. Sitting on the bed. In the dark.
What the hell?
The drapes were still open and the city lights flashed white and yellow as they randomly crossed the room in shadowy shapes.
“Are you okay? I’ve been worried sick.”
“I’m fine. You were worried?” She lifted her eyes and her gaze drilled him, as unsmiling and stony-faced as he’d ever seen before. A different kind of nerves rippled through him. Obviously, she was angry at him. Maybe even furious. Cold as dry ice.
“Of course, I was.” Walking towards her, he stood a few feet back, putting his hands on his hips. “You left your phone behind and it’s dark outside and you’re in a strange city.”
“I had to take some time to think.”
“Okay. I’ll bite. Think about what? Obviously, you’re angry. Did I flirt too much last night? Or give you the impression I was watching one of the women after the show? I swear, no face comes to mind so I doubt I did. But I’m listening. Or I’ll listen if you have something to say. Or…” He shook his head. “Am I becoming the indulgent monster that you worry will be our downfall?”
“No. You were the perfect boyfriend. Huh? Weren’t you?”
“Were? Past tense? What are you mad about? Talk to me.” He straightened with the stress and tension. What the hell was going on? He was sure he didn’t do anything different last night. Not during the performance, or being with the crowd, or speaking to a few girls, nothing crazy by signing a couple of autographs. Nothing like what she often witnessed her stepdad wading through. Being jealous and acting insecure were not part of Karlee’s modus-operando. What the heck?
“Talk to me,” she snarkily mimicked him. Snorting, she added, “Always putting me first. Making me feel like you only have eyes for me. No matter what creature of perfection turns your head. Insisting that, although, I might not be the most physically ideal woman, I am the ideal woman for you. Only I could see and know the real you. Only I understood the Xavier who is afraid of needles and hates his father. Only I could help you achieve your dream and fulfill your potential. Only I could make you happy. You were astronomically good at doing all of that. Seriously. Kudos to you. You sold me one hundred percent. I was a firm believer. In you. In us. In all of this.” She whirled her hand around to indicate the hotel room.
“Karlee, what the hell are you talking about?” Growing angry now, Xavier’s mouth tightened and he stepped forward. She didn’t back up but jumped to her feet to put more space between them.
“You sought me out on purpose. Right? You saw me as the key to meet the great Rob Williams and Zenith. That uncanny resemblance in a younger version and better still, your voice was so much like his. I was the path you found to get there, huh?”
Xavier froze. What. In. The. Living. Hell? Where did this come from? How? Why now? What? He was so stunned he didn’t move and his mouth hung open in bewilderment.
“Karlee, what… what is this?”
“Don’t play dumb with me. That’s worse than the betrayal. Don’t insult me. You succeeded in your master plan, you duped me. I never suspected you. Not once. Damn. You were good.”
“Good at what?” he demanded. His stomach was cramping in sharp pain. She knew. How and why she knew seemed impossible. But she knew all the same. “Tell me exactly what you’re referring to.”
“You should have paid your daddy, Xavier. It would have only cost you a little bit of cash.”
He stopped his eyelids from slamming shut in confused defeat. Fuck. His father? How could his father know anything about his plan before he knew Karlee? “What did that lying piece of shit say to you? How did he say it? Karlee, he’s evil. He tried to blackmail me and bribe me in the course of two weeks. You witnessed it.”
She smiled sadly. “Oh, I know the truth of all that. He is horrible. Degenerate and disgusting. The way he talks…”
“How did he reach you?”
“Clever email titled, I’m Xavier’s dad. I looked at it and denied him any money. Then he showed me all kinds of evidence of his claims. He sent it just to hurt you… since I mean nothing to him.”
“I don’t know what he sent to you but, Karlee, you should know by now without a single doubt that I love you. I’m your boyfriend. If I only intended to use you, why would I keep this up? You know how we are and our experience belongs only to us. You are everything to me. I can’t deny that. And you can’t deny knowing that.”
She sucked in a sharp breath. “Oh. That’s what my long walk was all about. Deciding if one ugly, nasty plan with premeditation and ultimate betrayal is the real truth or the reality I believed and lived with you. The love and caring and growing we found together. Becoming best friends. At a minimum, I always believed we were that.”
He reached out, needing to touch her. Her skin and body were an anchor to him. “We are. All of that. I don’t know what he fabricated but he’s not above—”
“Having access to my first quarter school schedule? Something with your handwriting on it? A series of pics he found in the shed and some other crap? What was it? A stalker’s headquarters? Did you mean to do us harm? What? Since we gave you what you wanted, is that why you didn’t hurt me? Us? What the fuck?”
“I… I…” His life crumbling before his eyes and his shoulders sagging, Xavier turned and sat dejectedly on the bed. “I…”
“Aren’t that quick with the lies when you don’t have time to prep? Like a doomsday prepper, huh? You prepared the Karlee and Rob bunker using a clever strategy and God, again, my kudos for the commitment, patience and outright maneuvering. I never saw your end goal. Not from up close or a long way off. I doubt I ever would have.” Shaking her head, her gaze drifted out the window, and her profile was sad and haunting. Hearing the heartbreak in her voice, Xavier’s heart broke too. He hated to hurt her. To eradicate the foundation of everything they built together.
Xavier had to show her the only thing shaky between them was that foundation. The rest was hard concrete and rebar, truth and honesty. They could patch the cracks, not forget about them. Not gloss over them. But fix them. Then the relationship she thought they had and he wanted them to have could be established on a sound, reinforced footing. It was all there.
Energized, he jumped to his feet. “I did all of that. I found Rob when I was a teen and knew I had to meet him. To play music with him. I wanted to be the best, most famous cover singer of Rob Williams. I worked hard to look like him. I saw that identity as my escape from the misery of my childhood and high school. God, I was such a freak. No one liked me. I didn’t know how to use my voice to gain popularity and I detested the band and choir. So, I was relegated to the shed. All of that was true. Everything but our initial meeting is true.”
She snorted. “Don’t patronize me.”
“I’m not. Here it is. I found a Zenith bio that I thought was interesting because one of Rob’s stepdaughters was my age. When I compared the life you had to mine, sure, I was jealous. The haves and the have nots when you’re a teen? Who wasn’t insecure, jealous and envious? What teen, except one like you, knows how to deal with it in constructive and healthful ways? Don’t forget, I had zero adult or parental supervision. I had no one to bounce my ideas off. Even the unhealthy ones like using a man’s stepdaughter and befriending her just to meet him. I had no perspective about it and no one to talk me out of it. After I met you and later, your parents, I saw the error of my ways. You and your family taught me a different way to live.”
Mentally crashing helplessly after his confession, Xavier flopped onto the floor, leaning against the bed. Burying his head in his hands, he added, “I assumed you had it all and I didn’t.”
“So, you hated me for that and decided to punish me for it?”
“No.” He lifted his head and pierced her with a cool, neutral look. She gave him the same look. “I thought I could befriend you and eventually meet Rob. I believed deep down in my core that if Rob took the time to hear me sing and play, he’d see my potential. See my talent. Like my music and my voice. I hoped he would see himself in me, a youthful Rob. Yes, I wanted that meeting more than anything else in the world. Beyond that? I didn’t need you. I knew I could succeed someday using the only thing of value that I have.”
Her mouth dropped open in incredulity. He sniffed. “After that meeting, a time when we no more than kissed, my plan was to remain only friends. I would have claimed I was too messed up for any serious relationship and needed your friendship. That was always my plan. I never intended to keep seeing you, dating you, or becoming part of your fucking family. I never expected to sleep with you, much less, to love you.”
She stiffened at his whispered words. “Love me? You call this love?”
He lifted his chin and gave her a deep, long look. “Yes, I call this love. Now? Especially. Did I start it out wrong? Yes. Hell, yes. I almost confessed it to you so many times. Before you grill me on that as to why didn’t I, answer your own question. Duh. From fear. I was terrified of losing you.”
“Naturally, along with your connection to Rob. And singing. Your one chance for success.”
“Yes. But I could have finagled that to happen. If I never slept with you, I could have gently steered our relationship from the start to something friendly. If I failed to, you’d have been mad for what? A week or two? We hadn’t progressed to the point where I could have broken your heart. That was never in my plans to begin with. I’m sorry as hell, and I have been since then, for having a plan. Once, I saw you as my only escape route. You. But after I met you and we started hanging out, it was all real. Easy. Our chemistry, connection and humor were the most authentic, organic experience I’ve ever had. Even though I might have started this wrong, it isn’t wrong anymore.”
“Yes, it is. You knew it was wrong. How can something be ‘authentic’ and ‘organic’ if you stalked the person in order to make it happen?”
“I… I don’t know.” Frustrated, he pushed the hair off his forehead. “I knew it was wrong from the first moment I started to like you. When it went much further, I knew. But it was so real by then, I couldn’t stop. I decided it wasn’t wrong because I cared so much about you. I’m not a monster. I know the difference between right and wrong. I pushed the limit and the boundary. But after we got serious? Nothing was fake. I swear. On my life…”
“Don’t do that. I can’t listen to you another second.”
She started to storm past him and he literally dived in front of her so his hand could reach out and touch hers. He grasped it and she stopped at the contact. He scooted down on his knees and tugged her gently. “Please, Karlee… please. Don’t leave me. Don’t ever leave me…”
Something swelled in his throat. Everything he ever wanted stood before him. She was glaring, judging, and hating him. Believing all the things he wasn’t. That their relationship wasn’t real.
He pulled and she didn’t fully resist. Coming to her knees, she kept her face neutral, and her mouth a flat line as she stared at him.
“What do you want me to do? If you were me, what would you do? Say okay-dokey? Sure. You purposely set out to meet me and my family so you could be discovered by my father? Sure. That’s fine. Now what shall we eat for dinner? Is that what you think I should do? I mean, seriously? You used me. Worse than anyone else. I never could have considered someone actually doing that to me.”
“No. I get it but don’t just leave. Please. Talk to me. Hate me. Yell at me. Do anything. But don’t leave me.”
She tilted her head, her nostrils flaring and her chest rising and falling quickly. Her anger made her breathe fast and hard. “I owe you nothing.”
“No. You never have. I owe you everything. And before you say what that is, it’s much more. It’s you. It’s love, friendship, and caring. Someone who asks me how I am. What I did. It was your family’s teasing and companionship that made me belong to them. After falling in love with you, I could finally see an actual fucking point to my life.”
She didn’t answer him at first. In an even tone, she asked, “How did you manage to get assigned as my partner in geology?”
He shut his eyes, fearing the answer would make her simply stand up, walk out and leave. All of what they once had would crumble. It was already decimated. “I paid a computer genius to hack the professor’s list and partner me with you.”
No comment. No facial tic. She stared as a slow, small smile touched her lips. “The one thing Rob and security missed. They checked for bribery. But not an electronic switch. I doubt they’d ever see it. It’s almost untraceable. Wow. You really did get around them. How did you pass the security? They dove pretty deeply into you.”
His face heated with shame. “I figured they would. My childhood spoke for itself. I never participated in anything to do with music. I didn’t have friends either, Karlee. I didn’t have shit. No family. No nice church I attended. I had nothing and no one. So I made my plan and searched for a way to make it work. There wasn’t much to hide. All of it was me. Real. Just not how I made us meet.”
“There’s no just to that. Don’t you dare diminish what you did.”
“Never,” he whispered and something heavy filled his chest. Not so much regret, but worse: guilt and fear. She would leave him. She could never forgive him. His breathing got tighter, as if a giant hand was wrapped around his chest, squeezing him until it was hurting. The pressure in his throat made him gasp. He released her hand and grabbed the sides of his head. Everything she said buzzed as if she were speaking through a tunnel. No. He had to stay present. He had to answer her. She deserved the answers. All of them. He had none. His reasons were weak and evil. But that was only at the start of his scheme.
“Karlee, I love you. I don’t want to live without you. Not for a day. Or an evening. Don’t leave me… please.” Something clogged his throat and wet streaks rolled down his cheeks. What was happening? He didn’t do this. Cry? Never. Not for as long as he could remember. Even as a kid. Whatever.
Now he found and treasured someone who cared for him. The thought of going back to his lonely life, a singular existence, ripped his heart to shreds.
Hearing a sniffle, he glanced up just an inch. She was sitting on her knees beside him, facing him, and tears slid down her face. Shaking his head, he muttered, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Karlee…” His voice choked up. His heart hurt. He’d crushed her soul. Tears flowed from her eyes. He hated himself for what he’d done to her. Reaching over, he gripped her hand. She didn’t push him away but held his hand as hard as he did hers.
He rose and pulled her to him so they faced each other, still kneeling. He stared into her leaking, blue eyes, the color of sundrenched cornflowers. The wet tracks streaking her cheeks looked like rivers of pain. He’d created them. Touching the left side of her face with his thumb, he held her gently. Staring into her eyes, he sought comfort, care, forgiveness, and love. He saw the betrayal, hatred and anger that were all he deserved. He hoped she hadn’t fully given up on them. Him.
His other hand slipped free and he took her face in both hands. Cupping it, he was staring and drinking in the features. Her smooth skin, the arch of her eyebrows and the golden-dipped eyelashes. Her nose and cheeks were pink as her tears fell. She flared her nostrils and sniffed again and he rubbed the corner of her mouth.
“Karlee, I love you.” If he could have breathed her inside him, he would have. She stared back with silence, condemning him with her tragic tears. He understood. He deserved it despite his desire for her.
Swallowing, he studied her face, seeking answers, solace and forgiveness.
“Karlee, please… try to understand and see… and please don’t leave me. This is real. We. Us. Right now.” He tipped his forehead to touch hers. He was still able to see her and scared to let her gaze leave his as if losing that connection would void them forever.
She slowly nodded. “I know.”
“You know… what?” Her cryptic statement startled and confounded him. Fearing he could drive her away by saying the wrong thing, he waited.
“I know what we are. Now and even then.”
His heart lifted and almost lodged in his throat. Hope. A flood of warm hope inundated his body. “You do?”
“I do.” She still had tears. Her eyeballs darted around, landing on his forehead, nose, and mouth. They seemed to drill into his eyes. “Of course, I do. I was here too. I was here for all of it. I might have missed your manipulations but I know what’s real.”
“We are real,” he said slowly and distinctly.
“We are now.” She sniffled again. “But we weren’t. We were not real. We built everything we have on lies, greed, nefarious motives and manipulation.”
“Yes. Yes. But if you’ll give me enough time, I can find a way to make it up to you. I can find a way to earn your total trust and forgiveness, just…”
“Don’t be stupid. There’s only one way.”
Her gaze suddenly sharpened and she blinked to stifle the flow of her tears. He rubbed his eyes too. “I’m stupid. I’m sorry, I’m not sure what.”
She stared at him, grabbing his face in her hands now. She hammered his gaze with her own, saying, “You start over.”
His breath simply whooshed out of lungs. What? What the hell did she mean? Just start over? “Like pretending I don’t know your name?”
“No, of course not. You give up everything you amassed with your lies. You start over. Go home. Make your music the right way and find your own path to success.”
Stunned and speechless, his mouth opened and his head shook slightly. “You mean… but…” He was flummoxed.
“But what?”
“I have an album coming out. I have contracts to honor. People are counting on me and expecting it to happen. I mean, how can I do that? Not do it?”
“Exactly,” Karlee replied in her clearest, crispest voice. “You do that. This is all stolen, Xavier. We can never go on or be honest to each other if you do this. Succeeding by your manipulation and schemes is not good enough. I will never believe you if you don’t. And I shouldn’t. I can’t. You got all of this based on a lie. The only way to undo it is to make the lie nothing. Go home. Start over.”
He didn’t expect her to say that or have that reaction.
“You need my personal sacrifice to appease your anger?”
She scoffed. “I need to know for myself that you’re not a lying sack of shit who used me for my stepfather. And stayed on and fucked me to seal the entire deal. That’s the final outcome of your plans and ploys.”
“That isn’t at all. Not after our first few kisses…”
“Then give it up because it’s the only thing I can truly believe.”
“Karlee…” He groaned and his breath grew harsher. He had no answer. How could he choose between her and success? Why did she need that from him?
He felt like screaming and hitting his chest. For a few months he lived a dream. He had it all. Happiness. Hope. Purpose. Love.
But now he had to choose. He had to make a sacrifice.
Success or Karlee.
“You don’t really believe that scenario,” he said, calling her bluff. “You don’t believe after the first few kisses I was using you.”
“No. But it doesn’t change the malice of your intent. There can be no us knowing your career started like that. You used me. You have to undo it to make it right. Do the right thing.”
“If I did the right thing at the start, we would have never met. Would you prefer that?”
“I can’t answer that. I wouldn’t have known what I lost. But obviously, now I love you. So I want us to have met. But not this way. Not with this between us. It erodes our foundation.”
He gazed into her face. “I want you. But music and singing like this? It’s the first time I’ve had shit to my name. That I’ve been anything but a bum. I don’t want to be with you as a bum again.”
“You were never a bum to me.”
“Easy to say for you. I never had the options of deciding my life’s direction. You say go home. What if there’s no home to go home to? How do I go somewhere I can’t?”
“Figuratively. We all go home. We start over. We do it right. You’re not going to choose. You’ll be here again. You’re too talented. It’s raw and pure. Inside you. You will succeed one way or another, I have no doubts.”
“I do,” he replied softly. “I have a hundred. A thousand. My doubts are about what I might become if I lose this opportunity.”
She gripped his shoulders and gave him a quick shake. “You will make it. I believe in you. Like I believe in no one else. This is the only way to make it work. To make it right. You can’t do it on the backs of me and Rob. It will never be right if you do.”
“Karlee, think of what you’re asking. Demanding. What about all the money I owe? Breach of contracts and… I can’t even imagine what else is involved. I don’t know. All of that is beyond my scope of intelligence. I’m nothing and I know nothing. This was my only chance to succeed.”
“No. You’ll have plenty more chances. And we’ll pay the fees and hire lawyers. This time, you have my permission so that makes it different.”
“I’ll be ruined. Blackballed. I can’t just stop the release of this album. All we’ve done… and we…” Did she really just punch him in the gut?
“You really can.”
So simple. Concise. So little emotion. Karlee being her best Karlee.
Cut and dried. Black and white. Take a side.
His life was never any of those things.
“You’re asking me not to be me. To love you and give up what I do. Who I am. What if I asked that of you? Is that right? Is that fair? Making me choose between my career and dreams and you?”
She snorted, rolling her eyes at him. “Again. You’ll get here again. But next time you will actually earn it. And then it will be real. It’ll be all owing to you. You’ll have your career, your fame, wealth, and all the perks. You will because you gained it all honestly. But you can’t have it this way and have me too.”
“Or your family.”
“Or Rob.”
“No. I said your family. I love and care for all of them too.” He rubbed a hand through his hair. “God, you know that.”
“I know that,” she simply agreed.
“Then don’t do this. Don’t make it so big and grand. So cut and dried. Let’s work through it. Us. Find a way…”
“Xavier!” she snapped. “You stalked me. You found me. You rigged a system to look like you randomly were assigned to work with me. You befriended me, and worked me over until it was my idea to bring you to my house. Then you met Rob. And went out to Rob’s recording studio. And I fucking begged Rob to listen to you sing. This isn’t a small thing you did. Not so small we can talk it through. Or that time will heal. You did all this. You can’t be with me and have this too.”
Shame filled him after her litany of his tactics. He appeared so cold-blooded. “You make it sound so cold, but it wasn’t. Not at all. I liked you so much. And then…”
“I can’t keep going in circles. I know what we became. I’m focused on what we were. How we started and what you gained… all the financial gains you derived from befriending me. I can’t let that stand.”
But a music album?
“Let me…”
“No. Just stop. Now. We’ll go home. Our home. Our family. Tell them. We’ll nix the album and decide tomorrow or next week, whenever we regroup, what to do next. How to make this better and be different. There are ways. We’ll find them. We are young. We can do anything…”
“I can’t. I can’t do anything. There is no help. No fallback. I lose this and I’m virtually homeless.” He pushed her back. Something raw as old as his life plagued him. Survival. Escape. Need. Greed.
Fuck. What did she know about needing? Was she ever hungry? Or just scraping by? Living in abject poverty? Was the water ever turned off at her house? Or the lights for not paying the bill? Never. She couldn’t imagine what he had to live through to get to her and she wanted him to do that again? To go and be okay with it? He could not and would not. Some things were visceral and the idea of rushing back to nothing was something he could not physically do.
“No. I can’t be poor again. Not like that. You don’t know what it’s like to live that way. You can’t expect me to give this up now. I can’t go back to that.”
“I have to ask it.” She stood with her hands at her sides. A quiet stillness occupied her presence and her energy. “It won’t be like that. You’ll come to us. You won’t be alone. You’re not going back to nothing. You’re coming back to us.”
“No.” He dropped his hands, fisting them at his sides. Some things go too far and this was one.