XAVIER BROKE UP WITH Effie twice. She kept on coming around and begging for his forgiveness. She knew how to catch him at weak moments and they fucked to make up so she stayed around. Her excessive drug use started up again. Xavier dumped her again. He didn’t mind dabbling in drugs but he refused to get hooked. He couldn’t keep that regime up. She didn’t like that.
But didn’t she see the dark circles under her eyes? Her skinniness was good for business… But Jesus, her bones were protruding and they jabbed him mercilessly during sex.
He didn’t really like her.
She whined a lot too. But had nothing interesting to say. Ever. No matter how amazing or famous the people she socialized with were, she had no opinion of her own to offer. She was incapable of learning. As for a sense of humor? Forget it. She rarely laughed. She only knew how to smirk. She faked her laughter. No sarcasm. No fun either.
After making the final break, she came back again, crying that she was pregnant. He doubted he was the father so he had to insist on seeing the paternity results for himself.
With a sickening thud in his stomach, he had to admit she was indeed pregnant with his child. She only did it to trap him, he was sure of that.
But why? She had her own money. Not as much as he did. She also had fame. Not as much as he did either. Karlee would have hated Effie for mooching off Xavier and abandoning her own career.
Effie was no Karlee.
No one Xavier knew in the industry was anything like Karlee.
The rumblings that Zenith was starting a hot, new project started floating around and everybody was musing over what it might be. Some talented kid possibly becoming a new band member? Were they launching another band as some kind of benefactors? He wasn’t sure.
No. They were providing a pathway, an internship, for talented musicians to find paying work.
It was exactly what he’d needed from them. Based on what he did to her. And the irony wasn’t lost on him either. Realizing what he did to her provided them with a new path. He was intrigued and had to smile. Go, Karlee. She would be fucking brilliant at it.
He hoped so, he really did. She was brilliant and passionate and he wanted her to be happy.
He wasn’t happy.
But he was successful. He had a name, a platform and fame.
He was also married. A husband. And soon to be a father.
He was drunk and high at their wedding. God, he hoped Effie wasn’t. He didn’t really trust her and would never have chosen to have a baby with her. He never intended to have a kid at all. He asked her to abort it but she was incensed and furious. He knew she aborted two other unwanted pregnancies before. They didn’t love each other. They were borderline drug addicts with no direction or common sense. Like transients, they always traveled and rarely stayed in the same place. They had no stability to offer a baby.
But nature didn’t fucking care. Nature was the one thing Xavier could not manipulate.
Or control or change.
He agonized for weeks in his efforts to come to terms with it. He left her and went to a different country. He got loaded and fucked another girl. Effie didn’t care.
He finally came back to New York and took up boxing as a way to relieve all his stress. That was when he realized he had to clean up. So did she. He entered rehab with Effie, having no idea if they were actually addicted. But the path he was on right now had grown dark and hard and seemed to be filled with obstacles.
He had no business being a parent but he had no other choice.
It was over. His lifestyle for the past few years.
Shackled with a freaking life sentence now, his wrists and ankles might as well have been cuffed permanently.
To Effie Essex. He intensely disliked her.
After rehab, he took three more months and tried to make his peace with chemical dependence. But he struggled. He got drunk a few times. Waffled back to the drugs here and there. He tried. But the dread of the coming baby. A baby. It always slugged him like a damn fist in his gut.
Effie gained ten pounds total for the entire pregnancy. Xavier stressed about the baby’s health. He resented the coming of their child. He went into the labor and delivery room with dread and anger. How could this be his life? How could he perform with a freaking newborn around? How could they be parents? It seemed inconceivable to imagine, even to him.
But then… his son was born.
One look at the crying, wrinkled, red face of his newborn son changed everything. When the doctor held up the bloody, goo-covered child, Xavier felt instantly frozen.
He was changed forever.
Dry mouthed, Xavier approached his crying son. The nurses were cleaning him and taking some measurements before setting him in Xavier’s arms. He was light as a kitten and soft as duckling down. Precious as a diamond. Better than fame. Better than wealth.
Better than everything.
Tears streamed from Xavier’s eyes. He fell in love in that instant, and for the first time, there was nothing to be gained by him.
He often wondered if he could or would fall in love to the point of feeling selfless. Was he even capable of it? He didn’t expect to feel the most vulnerable life force and bond, along with the fierce desire to keep his newborn safe, fed, warm, nurtured and loved.
Xavier named his baby Ely and he realized all at once that he finally had someone to live for.
Unfortunately, Effie didn’t share that feeling.
Xavier erroneously thought her painful labor, and later, postpartum hormones were what gave her the blues. He read all the literature he could find to make things better and tried his best to be patient and supportive. Barely weeks after Ely’s birth, she got loaded again on crack cocaine. Two months later, she vanished with some famous painter from Portugal.
Xavier wished he cared about that.
But he didn’t.
Relief and a sense of liberation elated him in ways he could not describe.
Sobriety brought clarity and he started paying more attention to his business holdings, finances, and staff people.
He discovered he was being swindled out of most of his earnings.
Then Effie sent him divorce papers. She got most of what he had left in exchange for relinquishing all custodial rights to her son. Xavier got full custody. It broke his heart to know that she was so willing to give him away, virtually selling him, when Ely was the most precious gift. Ely was so much more than all of his fleeting flirtation with fame and wealth that only lasted for a short moment. Now, Xavier was pretty much broke. Fucking broke. Startled by his own stupidity and foolish mistakes, he was back to square one.
Now a single father, he was all alone in New York, an environment as inhospitable to him and his baby as Antarctica. He had nothing and no one there anymore.
Except for his son.
The will to start over was absent. He tried to imagine singing again and performing songs for a crowd. His heart was sore and heavy and he felt totally done. Finished. The ride was over.
Packing his bags, he bundled his son up in blankets and rented a car. He decided to go home.
He had no home, of course, only a place that felt like home.
Montesano. Seattle was close by and it was better than anywhere else in the world. Montesano was far enough from Effie, fame, and the music biz. He had to get away from all of that to feel true again and real.
Going home would allow him to start over and this time, he intended to make his life real. He pounded his forehead on the steering wheel. Karlee, as always, was right. No surprise there. She was always spot on. Of course. She. Was.
Three years had passed. It might as well have been three lifetimes. Three years of heartache, pain, triumph and fame. Now he understood what she meant that day at the hotel.
He was determined to go home and start over. No more daydreaming about the life he had and so carelessly threw away. Glancing at his son in the rearview mirror, he regretted that it took him so long. Now there was someone who needed him and Xavier was glad to do anything for Ely.
How the fuck would they live? He smiled to himself. His newest plan was: get a job, save some money, rent an apartment. Work. Live. Raise his child.
Be ordinary.
Be what Karlee always said he should be.
Xavier moon has A son! The headline was huge along with the smiling picture of him holding a newborn in his arms. Well, that made Karlee cry for an entirely different reason. She did a screen shot and kept it because it was good to see his eyes so clear. He was not high on drugs or drunk on alcohol. She was glad to see him being good. Despite having her heart ripped to shreds in knowing he fathered a child with another woman.
Another woman gave birth to his son.
His son.
Xavier had a baby son.
He seemed so far away from her now. So far removed from the life she lived or wanted. God, that was stuff you’d expect from Kayla and Kathy’s age group. Not theirs. She shuddered. No way. She loved her new life too much to even consider Xavier’s.
She went out and partied. She dated. She fucked. It was all in fun and pretty low key. City life agreed with her. So did her job. She loved meeting new musicians and helping them grow their skills, confidence and attitude. Everyone was different and had to be approached accordingly. She had to remind Harvey the trumpet player to shower more often to avoid being smelly and off-putting. She urged Sherlyn to tone down her ego and not be so annoying. The deals she had to make and prices she had to negotiate to make their dreams happen were also challenging and rewarding. She changed people’s lives and she loved it. The responsibility invigorated her and made her shine.
The next article advertised: Xavier Moon’s Divorce Details!
She read the article. Effie abandoned him and her son and she was last seen frolicking in Portugal with her newest lover.
The next report claimed Xavier Moon had disappeared. No one knew where he was. Gone. Poof.
Maybe the pain of losing Effie drove him from the spotlight. How odd. For four months, no one heard a word about him. It was the longest respite Karlee had from his steep trajectory of fame. It allowed her to breathe and wonder.
She wasn’t the only one who wondered either.
Everyone was asking: what happened to Xavier Moon?
Karlee had no idea.
One day, six months later, Karlee tilted her head and listened to the morning radio show.
Getting into her car to drive home after spending the weekend with her parents, she was cruising the I-5 when the segment, “Music with Monty” was announced. A voice came on as Monty and he strummed a guitar. Then a parody of a Zenith song followed with clever words about how to ignore one’s exes. It was hilarious. Laugh out loud funny. The voice was damn amazing too.
It took a few minutes of cruising before Karlee suddenly swerved onto an offramp before parking in the lot of a fast food chain. Quickly jamming her car into park, she grabbed her phone.
It was fucking Xavier. She would know his voice anywhere. Even if he tried to disguise it. Even when singing silly, ironic, but clever parodies on an unknown radio station in the middle of nowhere.
Monty? Montgomery.
Jesus.
She searched for the radio station on her phone. It wasn’t a very big one. It came to her via satellite radio from Gray’s Harbor County.
Montesano was located there.
Jesus.
Her heart fluttered.
She found the website, which included a description of the morning show. Reading a brief bio of Monty, she discovered he wrote a new parody daily to share with the audience. But there was no picture included and no full name.
She knew all the same: Monty was Xavier.
Her heart raced harder and her breathing hitched in her throat. Crap.
So what?
He was back?
Singing for an unknown radio station? Why would he keep that a secret? Who wouldn’t advertise the shit out of having Xavier Moon on their morning lineup? His disappearance only made him more sought after. The mystery grew. The wonder. People clearly still wanted him.
Unless Tab and Tara In the Morning, (the sponsor of the show) didn’t know who Monty was. He did his bit from home and sent them the recording.
She shook her head. That was the only thing that made sense.
But why? Why would Xavier do that?
Rehab. A newborn son. Divorce. Disappearance.
Did he simply go home to Montesano?
Her heart shattered as she imagined that after all he accomplished, and all the miles he traveled, virtually conquering the world in his quest for fame, why do that just to go home?”
And record little radio parodies? Maybe she was hearing things?
She shook her head. Now she was disturbed. She shifted her car and drove to work. She made it through another day and later that night, she found the link to the radio station’s previous episodes. She wanted to know the original airing date for the Music with Monty segment. It was three months ago. And there were some real treasures.
He sang of jealousy, breakups, unrequited loves, first loves, sex, farts, exes, swimsuits, speedos. Some of it was so ridiculous, she laughed out loud. Others were funny but so satirical, it was also slightly tragic and deep.
Finally, taking off her headphones, inside her dark room, she acknowledged the truth… Despite all he did to her and what she had to go through, Xavier remained one of the most talented people she ever knew.
And she regretted that it went so wrong. For her. For them.
For him.
What to do with that strange epiphany? Why did it even matter now?
It shouldn’t. And it didn’t. Not after years. Years.
Karlee grew up. She had a career and a life and other men.
She didn’t love Xavier anymore. Not like a first love. That was when she still had her innocence and youth. Joy and a bright-eyed future. Now? Not at all. He stomped out that dream. He sullied it. Xavier ground her dream into the earth as if he were scraping dog shit off his shoe.
He did that.
She survived. No, she thrived.
And Xavier did too. He shot off far. Like a comet, only to flame out and fall, speeding back down to the earth. Back to Montesano, really?
Yes.
Was he broke? Deflated? Bruised? What?
What was she?
Curious.
Dying of curiosity. So she decided to see for herself.
Would he really return to his despised father now that he had his son? No. Never.
She grabbed her phone. Oh. His dad died.
Okay, so… Maybe.
She had to just see for herself. And…
And that was the big question.
She waited until Saturday to avoid missing work. Was she running off like a jerk after an ex who used and abused her? She convinced herself she was merely acting from undying curiosity. No deep, emotional, old feelings still lurked. No. Nope. She’d grieved and moved on, relegating all of her Xavier experience to the past. She didn’t have unresolved hatred. She wasn’t pathetically trying to recreate anything or seek vengeance. He didn’t evoke those kinds of feelings. She didn’t want to see anything, good or bad, happen to him. She was indifferent.
Actually, she was surprised to find him in his current location and wondered what happened to him. Her curiosity was piqued.
She wasn’t a girl anymore. She wasn’t searching for an identity, or a passionate interest, or a job, or needing to know what love and intimacy felt like. She wasn’t searching anymore. She refused to become vulnerable to anyone. But most especially, Xavier Moon.
It was a relatively easy, short drive down the I-5 before exiting towards Montesano. She didn’t need GPS until she pulled off the highway at a gas station. Looking around, it was a very small town. The low-hanging, dark clouds and the imminent threat of rain made it damp and gave it a depressing vibe. There were a few typical businesses. Fast food. Coffee shop. Gas. A tiny convenience store. She drove a few blocks, making a few indiscriminate turns. The houses seemed relatively older than the ones in the Seattle area. Any pride of ownership was lacking as she drove on. Finally, she found the address she sought.
A small overhang for one person was perched above the front door and stairs that led to it. A window was on the right. It was a narrow, two-story building that was recently painted. The roof was bright gray and obviously new.
Was he fixing it up? Why? Why in God’s name would anyone stay here? No wonder he hated his survival there and had to finally escape. Why come back to the same place? Why not just pick another house or apartment? What about all of his money? Why would he choose this?
She ignored the bubbles that kept popping up in her stomach.
There was street parking, a strip of trampled, brown grass, a cracked, uneven sidewalk and a little fence with stairs beyond it that led up to his front door. She stared at it. Xavier was living there? On the other side of the fence? After all this time? Years of heartache. Years of destruction for him. The surreal effect was uncanny.
She released her car door, got out and glanced down. Dressed in casual jeans and a hoodie, her long hair was now straightened and curled, and much more tamed than before. Her makeup skills enhanced her plain features. She looked and felt more confident and aware of herself.
Slipping through the gate, her gaze was glued to the house, picturing Xavier seeing her and rushing to the door. But all was quiet. She trotted up the wooden steps. They needed fixing and a few spots were rotted. The skid pads were worn thin and all the way through in some places. She stopped at the freshly painted, rather new, simply styled front door. There were no scuffs or dents on it.
She knocked and swiped her hand back as if she were stung. She wanted to turn and leave. Stepping back, she wearily waited. Crap. What was she doing? She should retreat now and never get caught taking this sojourn to her past. The most screwed-up part. No need to face this. Her stomach churned and dropped and tightened. Wow, she was nervous.
Footsteps could be heard. Footsteps! She sucked in some oxygen and clenched her fists before releasing them at her sides.
The door slowly slid open.
Yes. Xavier’s face and half his body stood to see who knocked on his front door without calling this Saturday afternoon. He was not expecting her. His face was loose and easy when he opened the door, until he stopped dead. Gripping the door tighter, his eyes widened, and his mouth opened halfway in an “O.”
“Karlee?”
“Hi,” she said without moving or fidgeting.
He blinked rapidly as if he were trying to make sure she was not an apparition.
“What are you? How did you? I mean… Are you really here?”