HIS REACTION WAS WORTH the drive! She smiled with just a tiny lift at the corners of her mouth. “Hello, Xavier. Yes, it’s really me.”
He began to shake before flinging the door fully open. He went from being stoic and almost frozen to launching himself at her, grabbing her in an embrace, and hugging her. It happened so fast that it startled her to be cradled against his chest. She didn’t react for a moment. Arms at her sides, her face smashed against his chest, she sputtered, and just as swiftly, he let her go.
“Sorry, I’m so sorry… I was just so flabbergasted to see you. Come in. Come in, I…” He ran his hands nervously through his soft, wispy hair and a furious blush overtook him. “I’m not sure what to…”
She stepped inside and shut the door behind her. “Say?” she supplied when he verbally stumbled at maintaining basic sentence structure.
He took in a deep breath, nodded and smiled with chagrin. “Yes. That. Let me start over. Hello, Karlee. It’s very nice to see you again.”
She smiled and something that was strong and very warm filled her chest. It blossomed into her torso, her arms, her legs and her cheek bones, pulling her mouth into a huge smile. It was so familiar like coming home and seeing his happy face, reflected in the movement of his mouth and his hands. There was nothing to say except how well she knew his mannerisms, recognizing the quick change in his facial expressions, and reading him. He was still Xavier and she did know him. So much like home. It wasn’t strange or difficult and he wasn’t a different person than before.
She smiled with the same warm smile. This time, their eyes were riveted in a long stare. “It is very nice to see you again too.”
He quit fumbling and closed his eyes for a moment as if he were taking it all in.
“Would you… please sit down? Can I offer you a drink? Sparkling water? Pop? Milk? Coffee?”
She slipped into a chair across from his couch. The room was plain but it had new furnishings. A giant TV took up one wall, and he had a couch, a chair, and two side tables. A fresh coat of light beige paint without any pictures or wall hangings suggested it was recently repainted. Blinds without any frills covered the windows. The space was small, but clean and plain.
“I don’t need anything, thank you.” She crossed her legs, and placed her hands on the armrests.
Looking perplexed for a second, as if he had to scurry around and do something, Xavier seemed uncomfortable. He’d always struggled with his nerves more than she did.
He sat and appraised her with his eyes, finally nodding with a small jerk of his head. “You… you look exactly the same.”
“Do I? That’s good,” she replied with a hint of sarcasm and an eye roll.
He smiled. “You seem older though, and more refined, although, I’d recognize you anywhere.”
“Gee, I’d recognize you as well.” Tilting her head, she gave him a scowl. “Your face was shown everywhere for years.”
He cringed. “Yes. It was.”
“It’s not now, though. Why is that?”
He blinked. “What?”
“I want to know why you disappeared without a word.”
“How did you find me? Let’s start there.”
She rolled her eyes again. “Oh, that was easy. I heard your Music with Monty thing on satellite radio, and pulled over. I searched up the radio station location that aired it on an internet search. Figured it had to be near here and I looked up your dad’s name and learned he was dead. The house wasn’t sold so I figured you had to be here.”
He tilted his head. “How the fuck did you manage to recognize me off that one little known segment?”
She snorted. “Please, I’d recognize your voice and your spin on music anywhere.”
“No one else has. At least, not so far. Not even the station knows my true identity.”
“You mysteriously send it to them? Your recordings?”
“Yes. Part of the deal was strict anonymity. They were so amused by what I gave them, they agreed to my terms.”
“They should. You’re way too good for a small radio station. This outlet isn’t nearly big enough. It’s funny and clever, and I appreciate the irony you weave into it… I always liked your dry wit and sense of timing but I never guessed you could so intelligently weave it into music. Some of them are quite layered.”
He studied her. “You listen to them?”
“All of them. Of course.”
His smile was small and crooked. “Of course.” She wondered what privately amused him. “Thank you. No one really gets how layered they are. It’s a lot more than slapstick.”
Her gaze landed on his. “You worked out a lot of what happened with…”
“Us?” he supplied softly. “Yes, you heard all about you in some of them.”
“And her,” Karlee added just as quickly. Her, being Effie, his wife. The mother of his baby. She almost bit her tongue for bringing the woman into it. For going straight to that ugly story. Karlee wasn’t used to acting generically kind.
“She definitely was nothing like you. She never knew me, Karlee. Not even my favorite color. We did drugs and sex together. That was about it.”
“Uh, there was one other thing though… you married her.”
“I never wanted to. I only did it for my son.”
“Ely,” she breathed out his name.
“Yes. Ely.”
“Where is he now?”
Xavier’s mouth quirked up into a toothy grin, and his eyes shone with light and maturity and purpose. She also saw love, something she never witnessed way back when. “I just fed and changed him. He’s napping at the moment. You were blessed to miss the last half hour of crying.”
“He’s okay then? When you disappeared so epically…” She gnawed on her lower lip. Shit. That was it. The worry that propelled her forward. Xavier would not give up his fame and platform for anyone or anything. What if something happened to his son? Maybe finding out Ely had a problem or a serious illness would be enough to take Xavier off the map.
“Oh. Yes. He’s healthy and his development is right on target. His six-month checkup was last week and the doctor said he’s a little small in height but his weight indicates he’s a bruiser.”
She smiled at the pride she saw gleaming from Xavier’s eyes. “So, you disappeared…”
“For him,” Xavier replied simply. “I got divorced and endured all the gossip that entailed. When it was over, I was broke. And I can’t do this, and still do that.”
“Do what? Perform? Tour? Sing? You’ve given all of it up?”
Regret and a tenderness glistened in his eyes. “For him. Yes. Karlee, I did it for Ely. I remembered all those years ago what you said and you were right. But I wasn’t ready to hear it then.”
She shrugged. “I came to terms with that long ago. You couldn’t undo your lifelong dream at that point. It would have eventually destroyed us. Either way, we could not have made it. It wasn’t our destiny. Or our time.”
His mouth became a pensive line. “I think you’re right.”
She tilted her head up. “You didn’t listen to me, however.”
Regret shone in his gaze. “No. I did it all. Dabbling in drugs, alcohol, indiscriminate…” He hesitated and gave her a glance. “Stuff. I also hired the wrong people, and lost my fucking mind, heart and soul for a period of time.”
“A long period of time,” she added with a smile. “That wasn’t what I meant. I never suggested you might have a baby.”
He stared for a startled second and let out a laugh. “No. You never warned me about that.”
“Are you glad about it? I mean, it arrested your fame and you can’t turn that around and earn it all back by doing anonymous parodies on an unknown radio station, right? That’s…”
“A long way to fall?”
“Yes.” She exhaled and only then realized she was holding her breath.
“I don’t regret it. Ely is the only positive thing I have to show for that lost period. He’s my life’s accomplishment really. I vowed the first time I held him to do everything in my power to protect him. Ely comes first; he’s top priority. I fully intend to be the complete antithesis of my father. My first job is as Ely’s father. Meaning, Ely is the factor that now controls what I do with my life from here on out. My life as a singer, performer, musician and being famous is over. I am exclusively Ely’s dad now and every decision I make is determined by what is best for him. Dad died a few years ago and left this house rotting away. I sank what little money I had left into it to make it somewhat habitable and wipe his stench away.”
“I’m shocked you came back. That too propelled me to… check up on you. Even after all these years.”
His lopsided grin widened. “That’s actually one of the nicest things I’ve ever heard. Thank you.” His tone was solemn as he continued. “I had to get away but I had no idea where to go. The decision was overwhelming so I stuck Ely in a rented car and started driving with no destination in mind. It might sound liberating to pick somewhere new to go, but I could not think of one place I wanted to be in. New York City was over for me and all I could think of was coming here. Despite it all. So I came home. Although I never thought of it as home. But I guess it was imprinted on my brain, so I came back.”
“How have you managed to keep it a secret?”
“I’m waiting for the discovery to be announced. Do you have any idea how much stuff you can have delivered to your house with just the click of a button? Everything. I tell them to leave it on the porch and I usually keep the shades down and so far, no one’s recognized me. It’s not a national secret. I’m just lying low until I get my bearings.”
“That’s understandable.”
His head tilted and his eyes gleamed as he replied, “I guess I must be slipping up because you found me.”
“Don’t worry about that. Your stupid voice is just too damn… unique.” She sighed. “Always were the most talented person in any room, even on the fucking radio.”
He closed his eyes. “You always believed in me.”
“Always.” She said it so easily and without compunction. “Ever since the first time you sang those two lines of that stupid marketing jingle.”
Their gazes met and held. The first time they kissed was on both of their minds.
God… that kiss. His gaze. His presence. Why did Xavier always affect her like that? Determined to stay cool, detached, casual and friendly, she sniffed and added, “Though you turned it into a bit of a disaster.”
He let out a laugh and the shared knowledge brought back all the feelings, emotions and the strong connection they once shared.
“I sure did. I should have gone home.”
“It wouldn’t have worked out. I doubt it would have ended any differently for us.”
“You’re most likely right. But just so you know, when I think of all I’ve done to mess up, hurting you was and always will be my greatest regret.”
She shrugged. “Yeah, I know. I made my peace with it when I forgave you a long time ago.”
He studied her. “You did?”
“Yes,” Karlee honestly answered.
“I should have expected that of you. My admiration and respect for you has never diminished…”
She tilted her head and rolled her eyes. “Yes, I am well aware of my sparkling identity.”
“That’s what I didn’t realize. I never knew who I was. Not while I was with you. And not after I was famous. I’m still trying to figure that out. I don’t deserve to be with anyone right now.”
“What will you do?”
“Hunker down here for a while and just be Ely’s dad. I don’t know. Find a job that pays a living wage. Maybe through singing, maybe not. I’m still figuring things out. But the only reasoning behind whatever I do is…”
“Ely.”
“Yes. My former life, being surrounded by groupies and touring and all of that, no longer seems attractive to me. There is nothing nurturing in that lifestyle for a baby. If there’s nothing beneficial for my son, then I don’t care to indulge in it.”
Her breath hitched and she asked, “Have you also decided not to sing?”
“I’ll sing and play someday. But it’ll be different. Fuck. Maybe I’ll just record what I like and show it on my YouTube channel and call it a day. Doing bi-annual albums and being sponsored by executives and touring for concerts and all that? Not for me anymore. I have to do something entirely different.”
“But you have the desire to sing and write in your blood. You have to express it somehow. You are way too talented to totally give it up.”
“My chance tanked. I’m not deciding anything at all yet. I’m still pretty young and I have time to figure out what to do. Wish I realized that when I was younger and maybe some of this wouldn’t have gone wrong.”
“Wow. You’ve changed a lot.”
“Actually, I learned. You were a good teacher. I just wasn’t ready to accept those lessons.” He cleared his throat. “What about you? Tell me everything? How’re your sisters? And Rob? Your mom? I know they must hate me; they were always so decent to me. I am still grateful for spending time with a real family. I’m using your family as a guide for how I hope to raise Ely.”
“They didn’t like you for a long time. But everyone is well. Kathy is close to getting her Master’s in theology. Jim and Kayla are expecting a baby in a few months. She’s running a nonprofit for the church that funds local foodbanks and women’s shelters. Not exactly unexpected to me. They are both very happy. Mom and Rob are loving the idea of a grandkid and he and Spencer still write songs and sign autographs although they have stepped back a bit. They are all good.”
“And what about you?”
“Good. Xavier, I really am. I live in Seattle with Jody now.”
“How is the crazy, little nymph?”
“The same. Still awesome. She’s been a lifesaver. She pulled me out of my pity party and insisted I move to Seattle and become her roommate and business partner. I never thought we’d work so well together but it turns out we get along great and complement each other like yin and yang.”
“And what is your work exactly? Explain it to me. I’m not quite sure what you do.”
She launched into her detailed tell-all of her favorite subject, and greatest joy and pride.
His eyes gleamed. “It’s what I wished I had all along, and I never would have used you.”
She snorted. “Exactly. It was inspired by you.”
“Wow. I’m impressed. But mostly, I’m glad you found your passion.”
She straightened and replied, “I did. I really did find my passion.”
Silence descended for a moment. “What now?” she finally asked.
“I don’t know,” Xavier replied. “Do we just go on for another three years like strangers, ignoring each other?”
She cleared her throat. “I don’t even know why I came here. I was curious really. I couldn’t stop wondering where you were and what you were doing. I had to see for myself… I never thought why I did it.”
His eyes warmed as he replied, “I’m so glad you did though.”
“Maybe just to see if you were okay.”
A faint sound came from the other room. “We could wake Ely a little early from his nap, if you like, and you could meet him?”
“I’d hate to disturb his nap.”
“It’s just one nap and I’d love for you to meet him. There’s not a lot of people I can show him to. It’s usually just him and me.”
That was heartbreaking. For years, he was surrounded by fans and a constant entourage and crew, and now, he had no one but his infant son for company?
“Okay. Yes.”
No. Not at all! Karlee didn’t want to meet his baby. His son by another woman. Having a baby was so far from her plans and desires, she shuddered just picturing it. How yucky it sounded to be stuck in the mundane future of parenthood that now belonged to Xavier.
And it hurt Karlee to know he had a baby with another woman. Even though she never imagined them like that, she had occasional flashes that someday, when they were much older, they would marry and start a family. Back then, it was more like a mirage instead of a goal. But Xavier was doing it now and that realization both startled and repulsed her.
Moments later, Xavier walked back and the sight was so incongruent, she fisted her hands and blinked several times, trying to control the emotions that flushed through her spine. They were so intense and disparate. Surprise. Tenderness. Apathy. Anger.
He held a tiny baby that was mostly bald with fine, downy hairs sprouting from his head. His dark navy blue eyes blinked up at Xavier. His mouth began forming little shapes. Xavier held him with a competency and comfort she didn’t expect.
“Hey, little guy, here is someone I want you to meet. My friend, Karlee.” Xavier used a soft, lighter tone. It sounded far kinder and softer than she ever heard from him.
With so little interaction with babies and even less interest, Karlee desperately didn’t want to engage with Ely now. Her still bruised heart at seeing Xavier took her back three years ago in the blink of an eye. Xavier shocked her when he nudged her, indicating he wanted her to hold the baby. Oh! Oh? She wasn’t so sure about that. She only expected to look at him briefly. A fleeting glance accompanied by a banal comment. Why was she doing this?
With a quick glance at Xavier, her gaze landed on the small, squirming human. Xavier had a warm, proud smile as he handed her the baby and she put her arms out to take him. Her heart began hammering and hands felt clammy. She feared she would break the tiny infant. Duh. She just had to hold him.
Gulping down her trepidation, she accepted the baby. Instantaneous warmth. His body was so snug and felt very different from a bag of groceries, but certainly no heavier. She held him closer to her body, stiffly and unnaturally as she gazed down at the little face. Ely blinked and squirmed, puckering his mouth at her. He was a pretty baby. A pair of big, blue eyes and plump, round cheeks. “He’s very cute, Xavier.”
Xavier cradled his head with his hand in a gentle caress. Beaming, he nodded and replied, “So cute. Glad he didn’t take after me, at least,” he quipped.
He appeared so at ease with his baby. The real affection was so wholesome. Where did he learn this? Staring down at the darling, little face, she finally asked, “How did you know what to do?”
“I still don’t have a damn clue. I just get through it one day at a time. I do whatever needs doing. I read books and articles and go to the internet for specific questions that I have. I tend to have a lot of those. I talk to his pediatrician’s nurse in emergencies. I just had to learn how to be a parent. But mostly, it’s all about love. The first time I held his tiny body, I just knew I was glad he was my son and I wanted to do anything and everything that was right to give him the best life possible.” Standing close, he was still touching the baby, not her. His eyes were fastened only on his son. “I can’t screw this up. No matter what happens.”
“That’s a lot of pressure to put yourself under.”
“Maybe. But it’s my new reality. One I’m fully ready for. And committed to fulfilling to the best of my ability.” Staring down, her heart swelled and she adjusted her hold on Ely, tucking him into her. It was sweet. Not intentionally. She didn’t feel her womb longing to have one of her own or anything like that. But his light weight and softness and clean smell were entrancing her. She liked to watch his facial expressions and marveled at his tiny perfection and the appealing way he was packaged.
“I’m very impressed.” Lifting her gaze, she found Xavier staring at her. “I’m relieved to find you doing so well and very happy for your baby. I’m impressed, Xavier, by the man I found.”
He smiled crookedly. “You were never impressed with me before. I used to imagine your disdain whenever you read the latest headlines and saw my downward spiraling trajectory.”
“Oh, I hated it, all right, and disdain is too kind a word. I usually ignored any stories or headlines with your name in them.”
“I pictured that.” His gaze drifted someplace else, to another time. “In my sober moments, my shame used to bother me all the time. I never wanted you to know what I’d done or where I was or what I was doing…”
“I would have kicked your ass a dozen times if you were my client.”
“Or your boyfriend.”
She shrugged. “Or my boyfriend, so it’s a good thing you weren’t.”
“You always showed me the right path.”
“I’m still pretty good at that.”
He lifted his hand to support the baby’s head and their fingertips grazed. His breath halted. “I… I missed you. All the time.”
She closed her eyes and the baby started to complain. Xavier smiled as he took him from her. “He’s hungry now. Come.”
Sure. After his soft, sweet gratitude for her, they had to feed the baby. That’s why she didn’t have one.
But Xavier did.
Why was she having swirling, conflicting thoughts and feelings over him having a baby? It had no bearing on her. The stabbing pangs, and her real feelings of disappointment in knowing he had this baby bothered her. Why? As if it somehow could affect her? She couldn’t imagine choosing someone who already had a baby. It didn’t matter, since she was not included in Xavier’s future and he was not included in hers. They proved that years ago. They were no longer kids. Their youth was swiftly fading. Their perspectives and regrets and responsibilities were all different now. And Ely was the ultimate expression of them.
Xavier blithely set about mixing up a bottle of formula as he held Ely against his chest and worked one-handedly.
“Did Rob ever tell you what he did when he ran into me at Mount Plymore Hall?”
Straightening up in the chair, Karlee’s ears pricked up. “Rob? You? No. He never said he saw you again.”
Xavier’s mouth rainbowed into an ironic half grin, half grimace. “Oh, yes, he did. I saw him first, and my nerves ate me up as I approached him to say my apologies and all that. He didn’t turn to me once. But later, after everyone left, I saw him standing there. He was way too close. Startled, I was sputtering my excuses again and, without any warning or even a word, he socked me straight into the gut. Hard. I doubled over and couldn’t breathe, and I sort of unintentionally fell on him. He waited a moment before he did it again. I was lying on the ground in a sad, curled-up fetal position. I never learned how to fight. Rob stood over me, without a word, until finally, he said, ‘You shouldn’t have fucked up with my daughter.’ Then he walked away and that was it. But believe me, his message was well-deserved and well-received.”
While Xavier spoke, he settled the baby at his side and popped the bottle nipple into his eager mouth. Ely gave the top a little squeak and slid it where it belonged, his small hands clinging to the container as he contentedly sucked on it. Eyes wide open and huge, Ely was staring up at his dad and Xavier half glanced down at him before his eyes returned to her.
She shifted in her seat uncomfortably. Karlee could never manage to multi-task like Xavier. She was never good at focusing on more than one thing at a time. Being thorough, to a maniacal degree, and intensely focused on the details were her forte. Just trying to hold another living human was plenty for her. How could she do anything else? Much less, talk with any coherence?
Xavier amazed her.
But his story finally registered and she jerked back a little as she blinked with surprise. “Rob hit you?”
“Punched me in the gut. Yeah.”
“I can’t believe he’d do that.”
Xavier stared down at his son, then back at her. “It’s the least I deserved. Rob never got to say any parting words to me. He was owed that. And…” He shook his head and added, “It’s a lot less than I’d do to anyone who tried to hurt my son.”
She smiled softly. “So physical assault is okay from my father now because you’ve been one for a few months?”
“Yep.” His smile was quick and warm. “Becoming a father changed everything,” he explained and his tone was very serious.
She smiled as she held Xavier’s bright gaze and watched the baby he so competently held in his arms. Dressed, cleaned, happy, and well cared for. She responded using a soft tone, “I can see that.”
They stared at one another for several poignant moments. It would have been awkward and strange with anyone else but the years melted and time ceased. They were just themselves again. Friends. Always. Connected.
He shook his head. “Do you feel that?”
She didn’t pretend to not know what he meant. “Duh.” She lifted the corner of her mouth with a snarky snort.
“It was always like that between us from our first introduction. It’s why I ended up using you. My intentions were fake. But whatever connected us remained…”
“It was always there. Yes.”
Ely finished his bottle and Xavier didn’t miss a beat, taking a burp bib from his pocket, and spreading it on his shoulder. He held the baby there and thumped his delicate back with a kind and gentle touch until the air flew out of him. A bit of coagulated formula came out as well. But Xavier never even looked before he turned Ely on his lap. He removed the soiled cloth and set his arms around the baby to create a makeshift playpen. Ely found his thumbs and started fingering them while leaning over to suck on them. Karlee was fascinated when the baby swiped his mouth around Xavier’s fingers just as he did with the bottle. Content with Ely fiddling with his fingers, Xavier didn’t even seem to notice.
Finally, he cleared his throat. “So, tell me… how do you turn nobodies into stars? How do you go about warning them against making all the wrong decisions and avoiding the pitfalls? Tell me everything about this whole Zenith’s Promises…”
She leaned back, clasping her fingers together and letting the weird moment go. It was still percolating in the back of her mind, so she decided to mull it over later. Much later.
They started talking. And talking. And talking. The hours drifted by. They moved to the living room and Xavier sat on the floor with Ely. Using a variety of colored toys to entertain Ely, Karlee watched the baby go from sitting to lying on his back and later on his stomach. Xavier offered him all kinds of stimuli until he fussed as if he needed a break. He instantly fell asleep again in Xavier’s arms.
They kept talking and Xavier occasionally gave Ely a word or two. They went into the baby’s room to change his diaper, something Xavier did with skill and ease. Karlee stood back, plugging her nose. Ugh. Wow. That diaper was loaded.
Ely’s room was painted bright blue with an expert mural of a storybook scene on the wall. A white crib and changing table filled most of the space. Toys cluttered the floor. It was small, but clean and cozy.
“When you lived here, you said your dad made you sleep on the couch. Why? Why didn’t you sleep in here?”
Xavier snorted. “Because my father was a mean bastard. At the time, this room was filled with useless crap. He was a hoarder. I all but gutted the place when I took over.”
“No memories? No sentimental flashbacks?”
“No. Oddly enough, by changing it, taking control of it, and making it mine, it felt very different. Cleaning it up and fixing the problems to restore it to its full potential and make it shine were how I triumphed over him. Does that make any sense? I made it into the home I always longed for and that helped me banish the bad memories of what I never had back then.”
“It does make a lot of sense. I’m glad you found closure. Or maybe it was retribution.”
“Retribution. There was no need for closure.”
“Got it.” They wandered back into his living room and sat down on the furniture. Ely was lying on the blanket and he began rolling around and babbling to the air. Karlee had to laugh at the soft sweetness of it.
Their conversation drifted to all their favorite topics, including movies, and the movie people that Xavier met. He talked about all the people he knew and associated with, telling her endless stories. He seemed to purposely avoid any stories that involved his drug use, preferring to recite only the funny stories. There were so many. They ordered a pizza and ate it without ever discussing their intention to do so.
More feedings for Ely. Xavier spooned a jar of baby food into his mouth. After cleaning his high chair and then him, it was back to more diapers. He dressed the baby in adorable, miniature pajamas with feet. Lots of cuddles and bedtime. Xavier also read a story until Ely cuddled against his chest and his eyes grew heavy. Xavier carefully carried him and lay him down on his back in the crib before tugging the covers over him. Karlee and Xavier snuck out of the room, turning the lights off.
In the small hallway outside the partially shut door, she asked, “Is this what you do every day? I’m exhausted just watching you.”
He grinned and whispered, “It’s a lot of hurry up and do nothing. Sitting, supervising, cuddling, cleaning, entertaining, and feeding. After a few hours, the routine starts all over again.”
“I can see that. And are you fully content with this new life?”
“I have some money left. Not much. But enough that I can stay at home and just be a dad for a few more months.”
“Why the unknown radio station?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “It felt right. I like to make people laugh. Myself mostly. I’ve been too serious and shitty for too long. I guess I wanted to create music that wouldn’t collide with my morality again and take me away from or threaten those I love.” His eyes gleamed as he said love. He was looking right at her. Her throat went dry.
Love.
“Why can’t you sing and create music and still be…”
“What? A friend? A decent person? A father? Look what I did to you. I don’t know if I can be a decent person while pursuing that lifestyle. I just don’t know yet.”
Stunned, she stared up at him in the faint, shadowy glow of the tiny alcove in the hallway. Dizziness overcame her in knowing she was here with him, right now despite the new circumstances.
“You really won’t sing? For how long?”
“I’m not sure. I’m only clear on the fact that I’m Ely’s father now.”
She stared at him and reached out to touch his cheek. “Oh, Xavier. Why not both? You can love and sing and perform. That won’t ruin you.”
His fingers slipped over hers, which she used to cup his cheek. He pressed hers gently. “It already has. I can’t risk it. Not at Ely’s expense.”
“But maybe he is the perfect anchor you need to do it right. To do it as you should have.”
He gazed down at her. The touch they shared sizzled into her flesh. She temporarily forgot, or deliberately ignored how potent their chemistry was.
“I never thought of that. I’m not confident enough in myself to risk it yet.”
She didn’t know how committed he was. But she knew his talent, and she still believed it should be shared and developed. His essence needed expression. But how to do it safely?
She smiled, breaking the awkward moment. He released her hand and she replied, “Maybe time will tell.”
“I hope so,” he muttered with a long look into her eyes.
They settled back onto the couch. He flicked the lamp on and the TV and they watched a movie but mostly kept talking. They could not stop. Words bubbled out of her mouth and he answered back. The topics bounced from light and funny to theoretical and interesting to catching up with all the gossip. Anecdotes from her family and friends complemented his endless supply of antics and drama on the road during concerts and touring.
It was the middle of the night before Karlee yawned, feeling suddenly exhausted. They talked for fourteen hours straight.
“I should go home. I should never have stayed so long.”
“I’m so glad you did. It’s the best day I’ve had in a long time. I can’t believe…”
“How normal it felt?”
His grin was crooked and sad. “It shouldn’t feel normal at all. I don’t deserve it but yes. It felt like you and I always do when we’re together.”
She thoroughly studied his face, looking for the answer she could never find. The missing link of her life during the last three years. The added dash of interest that faded. Xavier was the source of her joy. Her love.
But he destroyed it along with everything else.
He also created a new life. A life he dedicated himself to. And it showed Karlee the man he was more than anything else.
“Yes. But so much has happened. We are no longer kids ready to take on the world. I’ve no interest in doing that now. I love my job and Seattle. So all the excitement and drama and differences that once defined our future have gone and passed.”
“I don’t want it either. Now that I have Ely.”
“Yes. Your baby. I’m unable to deal with that.”
His gaze searched hers. “What are we talking about exactly?”
She swallowed hard. “I don’t know. Nothing we should be. It’s been so long. Years have passed. We’re done. For a long time. I never wanted you back.”
“I did. But it was impossible and the chance I blew was one in a million.”
She could not look away from him. “It should have been.”
“It should,” he echoed. Melting towards each other, there was no desperation or passion and nothing they could blame on hormones or the magic of the moment. No, it was just reaching towards each other. They scooted closer and wrapped their arms around each other. They gazed into the other’s eyes and Karlee’s heart ached in her chest with unbridled desire and excitement. With remorse and fear. All of it culminated and she felt like she was home.
Closing her eyes, she simply leaned her head on his shoulder, no kissing, no body touching or groping. She just leaned her forehead on his shoulder. His arm slipped over her mid back and he flattened his warm hand and kissed her scalp. He said softly, “I’m sorry for everything I wasn’t.”
It was the perfect apology. The one she needed to hear. Any attempt to deny they were in love was stupid. They always loved each other. She didn’t doubt that. He chose a dream over her. But she knew he had to do it. He would have hated and resented her for stopping him from manifesting it. There was no good solution way back when. She almost felt sorry for him trying to come to terms with his transgression, but the real connection they so naturally shared was very much present now.
“You weren’t.”
“No. But I did love you. As much or more than anything else in my life. Even singing. Until Ely made his appearance. Now? I found the strength to put my love where it counts. To overcome my narcissism and all the things I once wanted. My ceaseless drive to succeed is finally a thing of the past. I’m sorry it didn’t happen back then.”
“You had to suffer for it,” she calmly stated.
He rubbed her back. “Always. Yes. I suffered. I lost you. But I didn’t know how else to be.”
“And you do now?”
She leaned back to look into his eyes. “I have to now. I have no choice.”
“Sure you do. You can be a crappy parent, and lots of men are.”
“Never. That is not an option.”
She kissed his cheek, then the side of his mouth. Then just his mouth. A soft meeting of their lips. “I think you’ve finally become everything you weren’t then.”
He smiled. His gaze roved with tender care over her. “Why are you here?” His eyes shone with hope, like a prayer to her as he studied her face.
“It was an accident. Because I like knowing you.”
“Should you go? I don’t want to do anything wrong again. I made so many mistakes back then. I would rather have you be my friend for life and not detest me than to ruin anything, even this day. This memory. I would like to have it and not run the risk of losing it…”
She released him. “You’re right. I should go. And I don’t hate you. I forgive you. I did a long time ago. And yes… maybe I’d like for us to be friends.”
He immediately let her go. “I’d take that over everything else.”
“Okay.” She rose and her knees were shaky. Her breath hurt inside her lungs. Tearing herself away in middle of the night was hard to do.
She couldn’t promise anything so she didn’t linger. “See you, Xavier.”
He didn’t push her. He searched her face and grinned. “See you, Karlee Randall.”
Karlee turned and walked out.
Her heart hammering and her brain buzzing, she pondered the past fourteen hours. What, if anything, was that? Her attempt at closure? Releasing the past? Finding each other again? Starting over?
What the hell? How could she consider such things?
In her car, five minutes later, her phone rang. Startled, she answered it even though she was driving. Xavier Montgomery’s voice barreled through her stereo system. “Karlee, I’ll be in Seattle in three weeks. Would you like to have dinner with me?”
She stared at the road, and the dark, long stretch of highway with cars sprinkled here and there. She smiled. Then it became a huge grin.
“Three weeks? Dinner?”
“Yes.” His voice was light, and she imagined him grinning as widely as she did.
“That’s a long time off.”
“It’s nearly a month. But that’s nothing. Would you?”
“Why?” she demanded bluntly. “Why should I?”
After a few seconds, Xavier sighed and said honestly, “Because someday I’m going to marry you and that seems like a good place to start.”
She almost sputtered as she slammed on the brakes. “Xavier!” she screeched. “My God, we just spent a day together.”
“I know. No hurry. Maybe years from now. But that’s where this is going. I want you to know my intentions up front this time. Every single one of them. But marriage is the overarching, most critical one. The primary motivator. I don’t want to fuck it up this time, so I’ll just lead with it.”
“Marriage? I don’t want to get married or have a baby,” she retorted grumpily even though her traitorous heart thumped harder, loving the idea.
“Oh, sure. It might seem like a lot for now, but Ely will grow on you. The potential is there. I feel sure it will work out. All of it. But first, what about dinner?”
She sucked on her lip and kept driving as she blinked back her tears. A new sensation suddenly filled her chest. Hope. Maybe she could get used to it…
“I hate your cockiness.”
“You love it. Now, what about dinner?”
“Fine,” she mumbled with an exaggerated sigh. “Dinner. In three weeks. But that’s it. Just dinner and nothing else.”
“What about fun? Of course, that’s just to start. I have to earn your forgiveness and trust, and that will take some time and attention. There’re a lot of hearts I have to fix. I try to imagine how your family will take it. And the distance isn’t the only factor… we have lots to work out. Sure. Just dinner. But know, Karlee, it’s the beginning of a very long story.”
She clicked his voice off and her tears slid down her cheeks as she wondered, What would that very long story be?