CHAPTER TWENTY

Moreau, 1

A BEDROOM IN the big apartment on the first floor. The carpet is tobacco-brown; the walls are decorated with light-grey hessian panels.

There are three people in the room. One is an old lady, Madame Moreau, who owns the flat. She is lying in a large Empire bed under a bedspread embroidered with blue flowers.

Standing in front of the bed, Madame Moreau’s childhood friend Madame Trévins, wearing a macintosh and a silk scarf, takes a postcard she’s just received from her handbag and shows it to the old lady: the card depicts a monkey wearing a cap at the wheel of a truck. A pink phylactery unfurls over the image, bearing the caption: Souvenir de Saint-Mouezy-sur-Eon.

On the bedside table, to the right of the bed, there is a reading lamp with a yellow silk shade, a cup of coffee, a box of Breton shortbread sablé biscuits on the lid of which you can see a peasant tilling his fields, a phial of perfume whose perfectly hemispherical base recalls the shape of the inkwells of old, a saucer containing a few dried figs, a piece of cooked Edam cheese, and a metal lozenge with moonstone stud-nails set at each corner framing a photograph of a forty-year-old man in a fur-collared jacket sitting in the open at a rustic table groaning under a weight of victuals: a sirloin, plates of tripe and black pudding, a fricassé chicken, sweet cider, stewed-fruit pie, and plums in brandy.

On the second shelf of the bedside table there is a pile of books. The one on top is called The Love Life of the Stuarts and its film-wrapped jacket shows a man in Louis XIII attire – wig, plumed hat, broad lace bands – with a wench of visibly ample bosom on his knee, and raising an enormous carved tankard to his lips: it’s a compilation of doubtful authenticity which gloatingly details the alleged debauchery and corruption of Charles I: one of those unattributed works sold under sealed wrappers labelled “For Adults Only” on quayside stalls by the Seine and in railway station halls.

The third person, sitting on the left, set back a little from the bed, is a nurse, carelessly thumbing through an illustrated magazine. On its cover you can see a crooner in a grey-blue silver-spangled fancy-dress tuxedo, with sweat streaming down his face as he kneels, legs and arms open wide, in front of a wildly excited audience.

At 83 years of age, Madame Moreau is the building’s senior inhabitant. She moved in around 1960, when the growth of her business made her leave her little village of Saint-Mouezy-sur-Eon (Department of Indre) in order to do justice to the obligations she had as the head of the company. Having inherited a small timberworking firm mainly supplying turned wood to furniture dealers in the Saint-Antoine district of Paris, she soon turned out to be a remarkable businesswoman. When in the early 1950s the furniture trade collapsed, leaving only unreliable and unprofitable outlets for turned wood – pillars for staircase and balcony railings, standard lamp uprights, altar columns, spinning tops, cup-and-ball games, and yoyos – she boldly switched the firm to manufacturing, servicing, and retailing household tools, as she foresaw that the rising cost of services would inevitably lead to a booming market for do-it-yourself equipment. Her hunch was confirmed far beyond her expectations, and the business flourished, soon reaching nationwide size and even beginning to pose a direct threat to its powerful German, British, and Swiss competitors, who soon got round to offering her lucrative contracts of association.

Today she is a helpless cripple; though a widow since nineteen forty – her husband, an officer in the Reserves, died on 6 June at the Battle of the Somme – though childless, though friendless apart from her old classmate Madame Trévins, whom she has brought in to help her, the old lady carries on running with a rod of iron, from her bed, a prosperous company with a catalogue covering virtually the entire range of home decorating and outfitting appliances, and even touching on other associated branches:

WALLPAPERING KIT. Includes 6' folding yardstick; scissors; roller; hammer; 6' metal rule; electrician’s screwdriver; trimmers; knife; brush; plumbline; pliers; paint knife; handle; all in a portable plastic case, lgth. 2', wdth. 4', hght. 4". Weight 6lbs. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.

WALLPAPERING STAPLE GUN. For 4, 6, 8, 10, 12 & 14mm staples. Supplied in a portable metal kitcase containing 1 box staples of each size, 6 boxes in all, contents totalling approx. 7,000 staples. Instruction leaflet included. Accessories available: bending knife, adapter (TV, telephone, electric wire). Destapler, cloth-cutter, magnetic wedge. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.

HOME DECORATOR’S KIT. Includes: 2-gallon plastic bucket; driptray; polyamid roller handle, wdth. 175mm; foam roller; mohair roller for gloss work; round-tip PURE BRISTLE brush 25mm dia. 60mm lgth.; 4 PURE BRISTLE flat brushes, 60, 45, 25 & 15mm, 17, 15, 10 & 7mm thick. Top quality. Lengths 55, 45, 38 & 33mm. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.

ELECTRICAL AIRLESS PAINT SPRAYER. Heavy duty sprayer gun complete with viscosimeter, extra nozzle for heavy duty paints, flexible extension nozzle, injection nozzle for rust-proofing cars, etc. Spraying pressure 2,300 p.s.i. Container capacity 1 pt. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.

PORTABLE SCAFFOLD. Comprising 5' wide ladder frame on casters; 5' wide ladder frame on feet; two 2' bars; platform, 4'6" × 2', with safety rail, support bar and crossbars, floor height adjustable from 18" to 8'; at 1" intervals. Base area 6' × 2". Safety lock. Weight 80lbs. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.

3-WAY TOP FLIGHT LADDER. Made from aluminium. Converts to extending ladder, household steps or offset ladder on stairs. Special lift and lock safety action in all positions. Highest usable tread when in step position, 4'6½". Max. tread height 8'9½". Weight 48lbs. Accessories: block, rod rail, detachable feet. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.

WM700 DELUXE “WORKMATE”. Dual working heights 23" and 30¼". Extra large 8½" deep rear vice-jaws. Large vice pegs for improved grip. Comprehensive vice-jaw marking for precision jobs. Folds flat for storage. Weight 125lbs. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.

D142 HAMMER DRILL. 220v, 250w, with Electronic diode. No-load speed to 1,400/3,000 R.P.M., hammer action 14,000/35,200 strokes P.M. Drills steel to 10mm, concrete to 12mm, wood to 20mm. Supplied with 10mm chuck, 3 yards flex, neck strap, calibrated depth gauge; chuck key. Weight 5lbs. Accessories: universal adapter, grip handle, side grip, top grip, clasp, twin chuck, stand, side guide, small template, small, medium and large routing stands, percussion attachment, circular saw, fretsaw, ribbon saw, sanding/polishing disc, soft disc, sander, orbital sander, abrasive coated sander, plane, jigsaw, plunging router, paraguide, all-purpose sharpener, brushes, hedge-trimmer, agitator, compressor, spray-gun, extension lead, grinder, vice. Supplied with a set of 13 high-speed steel drill bits dia. 4, 5, 6 and 8mm, and a set of chrome vanadium drill bits dia. 4, 5, 6 and 8mm, one 8mm plunge bit, one 10mm plunge bit, chisel bit, plane blades, wood turning bit, adapter for standing plane, spin adapter. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.

150-PIECE TOOL KIT. Contains 23 piece ½" square drive socket set; 61 piece ¼" and ⅜" square drive socket and tool set; 5 AF and 5 metric O/E spanners; 5 AF and 5 metric spanners; BA spanners; 6 screwdrivers; 5 piece punch and chisel set; combination pliers; multigrip pliers; ball pein hammer; 8 AF and 8 metric Allen keys; 1 each AF and metric gauges; junior hacksaw; wire brush, spark plug spanner; magneto file; spark plug drills. All in a 5-tray tool box. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.

THIRTY-PIECE TOOL ROLL. Includes 5 metric ring spanners 6-17mm; 5 metric O/E spanners 8–17mm; 7 double-ended socket spanners 4–10mm; 1 multigrip wrench; 4 screwdrivers; 6" pliers; spark plug spanner; wire brush; hammer; set of 8 BA spanners; torch; plastic oilcan and duster. All folds into a neat and attractive carrying case with handle. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.

ELEVEN-PIECE COMBINATION SPANNER SET. Alloy steel in attractive individually pouched wallet. Sizes 8–24mm. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.

38-PIECE TAP AND DIE SET. Contains 17 each taps and dies – AF, metric and ⅛" BSP plus 5 accessories in presentation/storage case. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.

38-PIECE DRILL SET. Contains 19 high-speed twist drills "–½", 7 wood boring bits "–½", 8 masonry drills "– ⅜", 3 extra-long masonry drills "–", and 1 12mm countersink bit.

MASONRY KIT. Contains 1 metal spirit level, with 3 chambers 50mm; 10" round-end trowel; 9" square-end trowel; 8" diamond trowel; masonry chisel; bricklayer’s peg; stiff metal brush. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.

HOME ELECTRICIAN’S KIT. Set comprises wire cutter and stripper, insulated radio pliers, various fuses and fuse wire, mains tester, screwdriver and 3 rolls of insulating tape. Contained in PVC wallet. Continuity tester requires 1 R65 battery. Fully guaranteed (except battery) 1 yr.

TWENTY-TWO-PIECE WOODWORKING KIT. Comprises handsaw; tenon saw; carpenter’s hammer; pliers; tweezers; 3 wood chisels, 8, 10 and 15mm; rabbet; 2 screwdrivers. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.

PLUMBER’S KIT. A metal tool box 16" × 9" × 5" containing: blowlamp set with automatic ignition (requires cartridge) with plumber’s extra-fine flame burner, 5 all-metal solder sticks, 1 × 250mm chrome-vanadium wrench, 1 pipecutter for apertures from 0 to 30mm, 1 pipe-grip 0/25mm, 1 plumbing-in tap set. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.

MOTOR MECHANIC’S TOOL KIT. Comprises: folding crossbar spanner; windscreen scraper; set of 9 socket spanners 4/4; set of 6 flat spanners from 6 × 7 to 16 × 17mm; eight-blade feeler gauge; pocket lamp with battery; oilcan; insulated combination pliers; all-purpose pliers; chrome Allen key; spark plug brushes; set of 4 screwdrivers; chrome-plated hammer; spark plug spanner with cranking handle; file for contact points; set of magneto spanners; zinc-coated pin-drift; soft duster; grease gun; foot pump; hazard warning triangle; fire extinguisher; hydraulic jack; pressure gauge 0/3 bars; battery acid tester; antifreeze gauge; revolving handlamp with white lens and detachable red lens. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.

FIRST AID KIT. Contains peroxide flask with 10 calibrations; surgical spirit flask; 2 large adhesive plasters; 4 small adhesive plasters; 1 splinter tweezers; a pair of scissors; bottle of tincture of iodine; 6 absorbent lint dressings, 2 rolls of lint, 2 rolls of crepe; tourniquet; tape measure; chrome metal torch with battery and bulb; marking chalk; five packs of disinfectant swabs; one pack of face fresheners; a tube of safety pins; an empty tube for pills; five absorbent cotton swabs; 3 pairs of plastic disposable gloves; A Rubber Mouth-to-Mouth Resuscitation Tube with instruction leaflet. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.

24-PIECE “GREEN IVY" PICNIC SET. Luxury model for six place settings, comprising one polyethylene bucket with dish lid, 1 salad bowl with clip-on lid, 6 flat plates; 6 soup plates; hermetic foodbox; jug; egg-box; 6 goblets, 6 cups, 6 cutlery settings (knife, fork, soup spoon). With FREE salt and pepper shakers. Dimensions 42 × 31 × 24cm. Total weight 10lbs. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.

CLIMBING FRAME. 11', 8 bars with fittings. Tubular steel, stove-enamelled gloss finish in green. Main beam dia. 80mm, internal verticals dia. 40mm, external verticals dia. 35mm. Lgth. 12', wdth. 8', max. displacement 19'. Fixtures attached by patent bolt device. Attachments: 2 swings, 1 trapeze with polypropylene ropes, dia. 12mm; hemp climbing rope dia. 22mm; polypropylene rope ladder dia. 12mm. Other accessories by special order: knotted rope, set of rings, single/double balancelle. Supplied with full assembly instructions and fixing pins. Fully guaranteed 1 yr.

BUSINESS FOLDER. “Leather-look” vinyl with metal corners. Comprising two document pockets, A4 pad and pen. Size 12½" × 9¾". Fully guaranteed 1 yr.