As a reward for Berkeley sitting in the broom closet at my school, Mom dropped us off before work at the rec center on Saturday just like she said she would.

I thought about asking her if it was okay to swim even with a contagious illness but then I didn’t. I didn’t ask her anything about the illness or what she said to the counselor at school or how she had started lying or what she was saving for instead of taking care of us.

Instead I ate Lunchables and went to the rec center.

Berkeley loved going to the pool—especially the indoor pool where they had a pirate ship and waterslides and spray guns. She was a fish and she always made friends and most of all she loved the waterslide, which she could only do if I went with her which I didn’t love but I did it anyway.

Except today.

Today I wanted to do nothing.

I wanted to float in the lazy river and be no one.

Berkeley said, “Should we go down the slide? Do you want to go down the slide?”

And I said, “No.”

“Why not?” We were in the ladies’ locker room and she had been bouncing up and down and singing “Jingle Bells” and whispering to herself, which she did a lot, but when I said no she stopped.

I was stuffing our things in an empty locker and it would probably get stolen anyway because I didn’t get a lock and she said, “No?”

“No. I don’t really feel like the slide today. Let’s just do the lazy river.”

I tried to slam the locker closed but it wouldn’t go, so then I had to take everything out and put it back in and some naked lady next to me said, “Honey child, that thing is not going to fit,” and instead of saying, “Yes it will. Mind your own business,” I said, “It won’t?”

And she said, “No way in this universe.”

And I said, “Thank you,” and then she went to the shower and this all put me in a way worse mood, so much that I had almost forgot that my sad little sister who I had just crushed was standing there.

I looked at her. Her lip was quivering and I could tell that this was not the day to say no to Berkeley. A five-year-old can only put up with so much.

I took a deep breath, made a decision in the gut place, and said, “I’m sorry, Berk. We can go on the slide as many times as you want.”

I could do the lazy river when she felt like playing on the pirate ship.

“YAY!!! Yayayayayayayayayayayayayaay!” she yelled.

Everyone looked at us but I didn’t care. It really was the best moment of the whole entire week and I told my gut thank you.