The sun was easing behind the lake, the colors splattered across the sky. Oranges. Purples. Pinks. And even though I was mad and confused and sad and mad mad mad, even though that, it felt good to be outside, with him.

He tapped my hand with his finger. I looked at him. “I’ve been watching out for you guys though. I made sure you were safe.”

I took a breath.

And even if I didn’t know how he could be watching out for us, even if there was no way he could be keeping us safe, even though it didn’t make any sense, I took a real breath for the first time in a long long time.

............

Dear Dad,

I guess Grant has a really bad temper. There was almost a fight but Mom broke it up. I’d never seen her do something like that before. Sometimes I think I don’t know her so well. But you know her really well, right? Is she tough? Did she used to be tough?

Also, do you still love her? I guess you don’t. Why don’t you? Did she change? Or is she the same? Did you change? How did you decide to stop loving her? Is it something you can turn off and turn on?

When Grant got mad and Mom stopped the fight, I asked her what happened, what she’d said, and she told me that Grant is in love. I said how do you know? And she said, did you see how mad he got?

I’ve been thinking about that. Does love make you mad? Why? And if it does, why does it? Mom does seem mad a lot and I realized maybe it’s because she still loves you. Is that why? Do you know? And if she does but you aren’t here, that means it doesn’t end even if the person you love is done loving you. I think that sucks.

Are you done loving her?

Also, Mom really hates our neighbor Melody and I don’t understand why. Melody’s husband is gone all the time and sometimes he comes back and she’s happy but most of the time he’s gone and Melody is all alone. Mom’s not alone. She has me and Berk and does she still have you? Do you guys call each other? Do you text each other? Do you send her letters and tell her you miss her? Or do you not miss her at all? Even if you don’t love her anymore, wouldn’t you still miss her? Because you lived together and got married and had kids together so I think that would mean you would miss her, that you’d be friends, or at least think about each other but maybe not?

Does anyone love someone forever? And what happens to all those good things and memories when you stop? Do they disappear? Have you forgotten when you used to dance with her in the living room or when we all sat on that dock by the lake one time and you said, this is what I love. Were you lying?

Do you lie?

Do you have a girlfriend?

Olivia

............

I stared at the screen.

I shouldn’t send it. I knew that.

But he probably never read them anyway.

The night was dark and out the window I saw Grant sitting on his front step. Bob was talking to him and he was nodding. Then Bob went inside and Grant, he looked up at the moon, and I could see he’d been crying. He wiped his nose with his shirt.

I stared at him.

~

Then I clicked send.