“Should we wait for Daddy?” Berk asked, but she was walking faster than me, almost pulling me along.

We stopped to show our passes and I looked back. Dad had finally gotten out and was coming but he was also talking to a lady.

A pretty lady with red hair and a nice face and yoga pants and she laughed and Dad laughed and I thought I might throw up.

I thought I might throw up right then all over the rec center desk and the boy with the name tag Brad would say, “Disgusting,” and I’d say, “You know what’s disgusting?” And I’d throw up more and more and more and Dad would come running in and the lady would come in, too, and she’d say, “What’s wrong with her,” and he’d say, “I don’t know.”

And, I’d say, “You do know! You do know you big butthead piece of butt face.” And he’d be shocked but also he’d know, he’d know because just like me, between his big and little intestines, right in that itty-bitty space, he has a gut and that gut would be giving him a feeling and even if he wanted to ignore it, even if he wanted to smile at the redhead and say, “I am so sorry my daughter called me a butthead piece of butt face. I have no idea why she is throwing up all over the rec center,” even though he might want to say that, he wouldn’t be able to because he’d know the truth. And the truth was, he was not who he said he was.

He left us.

He left us alone.

He left Mom.

He left Berk.

He left me.

We walked to the pool area. Dad followed us.

The lady with the yoga pants did not come with him and I said a prayer that said: Thank you.

Instead of going to the girls’ locker room, we went to the family one.

I found a locker.

“Aren’t you changing?” I asked him.

He was wearing a tight T-shirt and tight jeans and leather flip-flops. I didn’t understand him. He never wore stuff like that before. He wore Bermuda shorts and Hawaiian shirts and maybe flip-flops but one dollar ones from Old Navy.

He said, “I’m not getting in, girls.”

Berkeley looked at him. “You’re not?”

“Nah. I don’t think so.”

“You have your suit. I saw you put your suit in,” she said.

“Yeah, but I need to do some work.” He held up his phone.

We both stared at him. It was loud in there. It’s always loud in there. He was going to try to talk on the phone?

“You can’t do work in here,” I said.

“Sure I can.”

Berkeley was quiet.

“It’s too loud.”

“And I want you to go down the slide with me,” she said.

“Maybe in a minute,” he said. “I’ll just go sit over there.” He pointed to the tables and chairs out of the pool area. Like all the way out on the other side of the glass by the entrance. He was leaving. He was going to sit out there and leave us.

“You watch Berk, Olivia. It’ll be fine.”

It’ll be fine.

It’ll be fine.

It’ll be fine.

That’s when something inside me burst.

It was sudden, like a firecracker.

Like a firecracker that everyone thinks is a dud at first. A total and complete dud.

You wait and you wait and it keeps not going off.

You keep waiting.

And waiting.

And then someone says, “It’s a dud,” and you think no, it’s not a dud. Give it time. Give it time to heat up.

Just wait.

And then it doesn’t happen. It sits there and people start to get bored and they look at the other firecrackers and some people get up to get more Cheetos and they start to forget about the firecracker.

They forget about it until BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM FIRE AND BAM PEOPLE JUMP AWAY AND BAMBAMBAM. SOMEONE IS BURNED. IS SOMEONE BURNED? SCREAMING SCREAMING! CALL THE AMBULANCE. BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM. IT’S THE BIGGEST FIRECRACKER ANYONE HAS EVER SEEN. NO ONE EXPECTED A FIRECRACKER OF THIS MAGNITUDE!!!!

I went BAM!

I went: BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM.

I went BAM BAM BAM in real life. In my real life.

I went: I AM NOT WATCHING BERK! I AM NOT. YOU GET IN YOUR SWIMSUIT. YOU GET IN YOUR SWIMSUIT AND YOU GO DOWN THE SLIDE WITH HER!

I went: NOW. DO IT NOW.

I went: SCREAMING. MY BLOOD RUSHING. MY HEART POUNDING.

He stared at me. I thought he was going to get mad. I wanted him to get mad I think. I wanted him to yell back but instead all the butthead did was say, “Are you okay?”

I was breathing breathing breathing. Try to calm down. Try to calm down down down. Try. Try. Try. And then it all came spewing up again.

And I went: NO NO NO I AM NOT OKAY I AM NOT OKAY! I AM NOT DOING THIS I AM NOT DOING ANYTHING I AM DOING NOTHING.

People stared at me. An old man with lots of hair took a step toward me and I realized I didn’t know what I was saying and Dad was red-faced and Berkeley was looking at the ground and I finally said I AM GOING TO SWIM LAPS IN THE COMPETITION POOL. I’LL SEE YOU IN AN HOUR. DON’T TALK TO ME EVER AGAIN.

And then I twirled around fast, faster than I was expecting and felt a little sick, and then stomped off, out of the kid pool area, around the bend and then right into the competition pool without looking back.