part0018

Ana opened her eyes and saw Rachel looking down at her. She stretched and forced herself into a sitting position, unscrewing the cap from a water bottle and taking a long sip.

‘Jeez, I must have dropped off,’ she said, wiping the liquid from her lips.

‘Lucky you were in the shade. You redheads don’t do so well in the sun.’

‘Looks like it’s setting anyway. Fuck, I feel rough.’

Rachel sat down next to her sister. She too felt like shit, but she was used to it. The last few years had been a blur of drink, drugs and sex. Living the rock ’n’ roll dream. But Rachel was no rockstar. One day you wake up and wonder where your life has gone.

‘Where’s Ricky?’

‘Downstairs, sleeping like a baby.’

‘He didn’t try it on with you?’ smiled Ana. Rachel laughed.

‘It’s you he likes. Must have a thing for the older woman. ’

‘I prefer to think of myself as experienced .’

‘That makes you sound like an old prostitute.’

Ana nodded. ‘True. Okay then, I’m distinguished.’

‘I don’t think women are allowed to be distinguished. That’s only for men who’re going grey.’

‘I’ve got grey hairs,’ Ana protested. She held out her hair for Rachel to look at, the thin strips of grey nestled in amongst the ginger strands. Rachel nodded grimly.

‘To men, that just means you’re old.’

Ana yawned. ‘That’s okay, I can deal with that. Maybe Ricky has a fetish for greying prostitutes.’

‘You’d better hope he does,’ chided her sister.

Ana laughed. It had been a while since the two of them had spent so much time together. Things were finally starting to feel like before, how she remembered it.

‘I’ve missed you,’ she said, catching Rachel off-guard.

‘Umm, missed you too,’ she said.

‘Where did you go?’ said Ana.

Ana grimaced internally. That had come out wrong. She wasn’t trying to start an argument. She just needed answers, and now was as good a time as any, wasn’t it?

‘I don’t mean…’ She struggled to say what she meant. ‘You know…I wish I was like you sometimes,’ said Ana, changing tack. ‘Living free, not a care in the world.’

‘Hey, I care about things.’

‘Look, if you have something to say, just say it.’

‘No, I’m sorry Rach, I shouldn’t have brought it up. Forget it, okay.’

But Rachel wouldn’t let it lie. ‘No, no, I’m curious. What’re you getting at? Is this about mum?’

And just like that, it was all out in the open. Ana chose her words carefully, then thought fuck it and said, ‘Rachel, where were you? Where the fuck were you?’

Rachel stood up and walked away from her, running her hands through her hair.

‘I knew it. I fucking knew it.’

‘What did you expect, Rach? You disappeared! Our mum was dying and you just up and left!’

‘It’s not that simple—’

‘Oh, but it is, sis . She got sick, you couldn’t handle it and you left me there. You left me there to deal with it by myself.’

‘Deal with it? You make it sound like a spider in the bath.’

‘Mum needed you.’ Ana felt the trickle of warm tears down her face.

Rachel just stood, silhouetted against the setting sun. It was for the best. Ana didn’t want to see her face.

‘I was there for her through the chemo. I went with her to every appointment, listened to the doctors’ diagnoses. I watched her give up, Rach. Give up on life, give up on hope. You know she asked me to kill her? She wanted me to unplug the equipment while the doctor was out the room. Can you believe that? I was by her side when she died. I held her hand. I was there when she asked for you! What was I supposed to say? That you were off getting high somewhere? That you were out fucking some random? I couldn’t answer, because I didn’t know. I didn’t…know…’

Rachel was silent. Her head ached. ‘Look Ana, let’s talk about this tomorrow. We’re in a stressful situation, we’re not feeling well—’

‘BECAUSE OF YOU!’ Ana exploded. ‘Because you drugged me, you fucking cowardly bitch! ’

‘Oh don’t act innocent, I know it was you. You fucking drugged me…your own sister. You know I hate that shit.’

‘Well you didn’t seem to hate it last night,’ said Rachel, her words cutting through Ana like a butcher knife.

Ana curled up, retreating into herself. ‘Fuck you.’

‘So that’s what you think of me, huh? Fascinating. You know what Ana…I hate you. You’re so perfect, the perfect daughter. Well, she still died, didn’t she? You couldn’t help that , could you?’

Ana got to her feet and stormed over to Rachel.

‘Look, Ana, I’m—’

Ana struck her hard across the face as Ricky emerged from below deck.

‘Guys, what’s going on?’ he said, the dictionary definition of poor timing.

The two girls faced each other. Rachel put a hand to her reddening cheek. Ana drew back her left hand and slapped the other side of Rachel’s shocked face. Rachel turned on her heels and ran to the ladder, stopping as she reached it.

‘I was there for you, Ana,’ she said without turning round. ‘I was there for you when you gave up and slit your fucking wrists. Or don’t you remember?’

She clambered down into the sea and swam towards the shore.

‘Wait, Rachel, come back,’ called Ricky. ‘It’s getting dark, come on, we can work this out!’

‘Leave it Ricky. Let her do what she wants. It’s what she’s best at.’

‘Are you serious Ana? We don’t know what’s in that jungle! Darren and the others aren’t back, and we’ve not seen Josh and Lil for hours!’

Ana slumped down onto the deck .

‘I don’t care. I’ve finally realised that I just…don’t…care.’

Ricky didn’t understand. He saw Rachel arrive at the shore, the dying light casting a warm orange glow on the water. She stepped onto the sand, following the footsteps of the Aussies. The only sound was Ana sobbing. As Rachel vanished into the trees, Ricky cursed his luck.

There goes the best looking one , he thought.

Still, he supposed, Ana would have to do for now. She was upset and emotional. She needed comfort, a shoulder to cry on. A warm embrace.

Rachel found it easy to follow the trail of destruction Darren had left in his wake. Leaves and ferns coated the ground as she carefully stepped over fallen branches. She wished for some clothes. A comfortable pair of shoes, some jeans and a long-sleeve top. The essentials for trekking in the Thai jungle. Instead, she was wearing nothing but her bra and panties. She felt tiny wings fluttering against her skin, and the sharp pain of stingers piercing her flesh. She tried to swipe the insects away, but it was a losing battle.

She was furious. With Ana, but also with herself. Shame commonly manifests itself in anger. She had lashed out at her sister, when it was herself that was to blame. Partly at least. On the boat, she had felt that old familiar guilt rise to the surface. Instead of acknowledging it, she had forced it back down. And when Ana had brought up the drugs, it was the perfect excuse to attack her. It hurt Rachel to know that her own sister thought she would secretly drug her. But then, they hardly even knew each other anymore. Why would Ana suspect anyone else?

‘I’m sorry,’ she said to herself. She stopped and sighed, letting the last of the tears fall, unaware of the eyes that tracked her as she walked.