My grandmother wasn’t going to celebrate my fifteenth birthday at all differently from any of my previous birthdays. There were never any presents and never any cake and candles. For years, I didn’t even know when my birthday was. Eventually, the day, June 25, was acknowledged reluctantly, almost as a passing thought. Until then, my grandmother simply announced that I was eight or nine, whatever, dropping the fact in the middle of some sentence such as, “You should know better for a six-year-old.”
I never had any doubts that she viewed it as a day of infamy as bad as December 7 or September 11. My birthing was like a bomb dropped on their otherwise happy home, not that I could imagine it ever being a house of much happiness. All I knew during those years was that my mother regretted my birth and deserted both me and my grandparents, and they never really wanted me and the responsibility for me. I supposed I should be grateful that eventually they began to see me differently, differently enough by the time I reached my fifteenth birthday that my grandfather that morning after breakfast talked her into celebrating it.
“She’s been a very good girl, Myra. It’s good to make people aware of what awaits them when and if they favor Satan and sin, but there is also a time to reward,” he said. “She is doing well with her school-work, she keeps her room as clean as she can, and she says her prayers regularly. All of this also means you’ve done a very good job with her. You can take a deep breath and rejoice.”
My grandmother thought a moment and nodded. “We can take her to dinner,” she said.
My eyes popped open. Take me to dinner? I knew my grandparents were frugal people. Having money never meant spending it. People who were not cautious and conservative when it came to that were usually “ripe fruit for the devil’s picking,” Grandmother Myra told me. One of the items topping her list of wasteful spending was going out to eat and paying five times the cost for the same food made at home. “And that doesn’t include the tip!”
“Well, the Marxes are always talking about the good value at Chipper’s,” my grandfather said.
Sam Marx and his wife, Trudy, were my grandparents’ closest friends, in that they were practically the only couple ever invited to dinner at our house and the only couple I knew who invited them. Sam had been my grandfather’s factory manager. They had no children. Trudy dressed a little nicer than my grandmother, but as far as makeup went, she used nothing more than some lipstick. Whenever they came to our house, she looked as if she had barely brushed her lips with it. I had the sense that the Marxes were still treating my grandparents with the same deference and respect shown by employees. I never heard them disagree about anything.
When they were here for dinner and I was helping out, serving and cleaning up like some hired maid, I could feel Trudy’s gaze on me. It was creepy; I sensed she was looking for some evidence to indicate that I would do something or be someone evil. I had no idea what my grandmother had told her about me over the years, but sometimes, when I glanced at her while she stared at me, I felt she was looking at me with delight. I felt confident that if I were her granddaughter, I’d be treated far better.
“Well, then, choose something clean to wear. Pin up your hair better, and make sure your nails are clean, missy,” Grandmother Myra told me.
I nodded, trying not to look too excited about it. I sensed a long time ago that if I showed too much enthusiasm for something, she would become suspicious and then forbid it following another one of her credos, “Better safe than sorry.”
I said nothing. I also knew that if I spent too much time thinking about what I would wear and too much time on my hair, she would reconsider. I went through the day as if it were no different from any other, completing my homework, reading what I had to read, washing clothes, polishing furniture, and, since it was Wednesday and the schedule she had set up required it, washing the kitchen floor.
Because I had something to look forward to, I wasn’t as tired in the late afternoon as I usually was. I had picked out my newest dress. It did nothing for my figure, but I chose it because it was at least a brighter color than anything else I had, a sharp light blue. I had nothing like matching shoes and no jewelry, not even a wristwatch. She had permitted me to have some colorful ribbons to use to tie up my hair.
Whenever she relented and bought me something new to wear, she always seemed deliberately to choose a size too big. Any curves that had developed in my body were well hidden. I hated my shoes. They were so dull now, a worn black. She insisted on my having flats: “You’re springing up too fast. People are quick to mistake height for age, and I don’t need anyone who sees you thinking you’re older than you are, especially men.”
The very thought of a grown man being interested in me was so foreign to my thinking that it became intriguing after she had told me that. Whenever my mind drifted to thoughts about boys, and now men, it was always to draw them up as rescuers, handsome, strong men who could swoop in and take me away. Of course, Grandmother Myra equated physical beauty with some form of danger. Either the woman who possessed it would become too conceited and therefore vulnerable to sin, or she was in danger of attracting the wrong set of eyes.
I suppose it would be impossible for someone like me living in this house not to grow up with these fears embedded so deeply in her that she believed in them herself. I was very self-conscious about how long I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror. Whenever they took me anywhere, I did keep my eyes down and avoided looking at boys especially. Every sexual thought I had I immediately subdued. My grandmother had convinced me that I was more vulnerable than other girls. I was on constant guard, waiting for that evil seed inside me to start sprouting.
She inspected my hands immediately when I came into the living room. I had taken great care with my nails. It satisfied her. She looked at me in my oversize dress, fixed a strand of my hair that had escaped the knot, and then nodded approval.
“You look very nice,” Grandfather Prescott told me. He looked at Grandmother Myra.
She reached for a box on the sofa side table beside her and handed it to me. She said nothing.
Grandfather Prescott said, “Happy birthday, Elle.”
I was shocked. What could be in a box like that? Slowly, I opened it and saw the silver cross. It was a good six inches long and four inches wide, at least, and it was on a silver chain. How could I wear something so big around my neck? I plucked it out carefully, stunned.
“I’ll put it on you,” Grandmother Myra said. She took it from me and went behind me. I stood there while she fastened the chain. The cross fell over the crests of my breasts.
“Isn’t it . . . too big?” I asked, trying not to sound ungrateful.
“It’s so you’ll never forget,” she said. “You can put it inside your dress.”
I did so quickly.
“Thank you,” I said.
“Take your sweater,” she told me. “There’s a chill in the air tonight.”
It was late June, but nights could be cool in Lake Hurley. It was why people from New York City bought and rented summer homes there. We didn’t live on the lake, but we were only about a half mile from it if we went through the woods right behind the house. I had done that only once with my grandfather, who wanted me to see it at twilight. We didn’t see much of it. It was as if we were gazing at something forbidden. He wasn’t a fisherman and never suggested we go for a boat ride. The only way my grandmother acknowledged the lake’s existence was to comment about a breeze that came off it. Many times, I was tempted to go there on my own when I was outside at the rear of the house, which was where my grandmother preferred me to be. But I was afraid of walking off our property without specific permission to do so. It was as if we had an invisible electric fence, and if I crossed the line, I would suffer a stinging shock.
“You stay in the backyard, missy. No need to be attracting the curious eyes of those city people who come up here and drive past our house,” she told me. “A young girl just standing around or even sitting and reading will bring unwanted attention.”
Maybe it was unwanted to her, I thought, but not to me. I craved any attention.
Nevertheless, I avoided the front of the house, afraid that she would further restrict my going out alone. Our house was on a good-size lot, but what made it private was the fact that the land to our right was in some family dispute for as long as I could remember, so no one could build on it, and the land to our left was owned by someone who was waiting forever, it seemed, for its value to go up. The nearest house to ours was a good half mile away on both sides. The sense of isolation was just fine for my grandmother, who wasn’t the type who would walk over to a neighbor’s house to borrow a cup of sugar anyway.
I loved this time of the year, because the trees were so full and, maybe because of the moisture coming off the lake, so richly green. No matter how bright the day, the inside of the woods looked dark and cool. From time to time, I would spot a buck or a doe and its fawn. Of course, there were too many rabbits and not enough foxes to control their population. No matter how hard my grandfather tried to protect whatever vegetable garden he had created, the rabbits had the best of it. All sorts of birds brought the woods to life with melodies. I could distinguish a robin from a blue jay just by the sounds they made. I knew there were wild ducks on the lake in the summer. I could see them fly in, but except for the one time my grandfather took me there, I never saw them floating on the water.
My grandfather kept a nice patch of grass in the rear of the house. Occasionally, he would permit me to cut the lawn, but only in the rear. Sometimes, when I sat in the backyard and thought about all this, I imagined I was truly some sort of nature child, so alien to the world around me that I’d be considered as wild as an aborigine or some girl in a lost African tribe. If my grandmother stepped out to see what I was up to, she almost always warned me about thinking too much.
“Idle hands are the devil’s workshop,” she would say. “Find something useful to do instead of just sitting there thinking.”
Why did that frighten her? I wondered. Should it frighten me?
I imagined that despite my good deeds and my obedience, my grandmother never stopped believing that somehow, for some reason, I would let the devil into their lives. It was as if he was just biding his time. He knew where I lived. After all, he didn’t create evil progeny and just let them drift away, did he? When the time was right, he would call on me. It got so I began to watch for him myself. Maybe he would just come walking out of the dark forest one day, smiling, his arms out.
“You’re ready,” he would say, and the actions and thoughts my grandmother always expected would begin.
My grandfather slapped his hands together, shaking me out of my reverie. “Well, then,” he said. “Let’s set out. I’m getting hungry.”
I put on my sweater, and the three of us walked out to their car in the driveway. The cross was cold and heavy on my chest, but I said nothing. I’ll get used to it, I thought. I kept my head down and tried desperately not to look too excited, but this was going to be my first time in a restaurant.
I got into the rear of the car and sat back with my hands folded on my lap. Grandmother Myra looked at me, and for a moment, I saw her face soften in a way I hadn’t seen.
“She’s getting to look more like Deborah,” she said.
My grandfather turned to look back, as if he hadn’t ever looked at me. “Yep,” he said.
“Thank God for that,” Grandmother Myra said.
I had to agree but not for the same reason she was thinking. I thought my mother was a very pretty woman in the pictures I had been permitted to see.
Because of the relaxed atmosphere, I thought I might risk asking a question or two about my mother.
“What college did my mother attend?”
“She went to the state university at Albany,” my grandfather said before my grandmother could object to our talking about her. He started to back out, turning around to see, and added, “She could have gone to a few colleges. She had decent school grades, thanks to your grandmother making sure she did her work properly.”
Grandmother Myra grunted. “That wasn’t an easy task. If I didn’t ride herd on that girl . . . besides, her grades weren’t that good, Prescott. She was barely above average.”
“She couldn’t finish college, then?” I asked.
She spun on me this time. “Of course not! How could she even contemplate such a thing? All that was ruined. All the college tuition lost. Why do you think you’re here?”
“I just wondered,” I said.
“She might have gone back to school,” my grandfather offered.
“Believe that, and I’ll offer you a bridge in Brooklyn for sale,” Grandmother Myra muttered. “Where would she have gotten the money?”
Even then, without yet meeting her, I thought perhaps she got it from Uncle Brett, the mysterious, handsome, and adventurous Uncle Brett. My grandfather might have suspected that possibility, too, but wouldn’t dare suggest it.
I wondered if I should push on with another question, but I was terrified that she would get enraged at my continued curiosity and make my grandfather turn back. Instead, I looked out the window and remained silent. Less than twenty minutes later, we pulled into the parking lot of Chipper’s restaurant. I knew what an old-time diner was and thought that was what it looked like. It was certainly not what anyone would call an elegant or expensive restaurant. There were two large windows in the front, and the building was rectangular. It had a dark brown front and a flat roof. It was well lit inside. I thought it was too bright, but when we entered, I was surprised at how crowded it was. Almost every table and booth was taken.
“Mr. Edwards,” my grandfather said to the hostess.
I could tell from the way my grandmother was smirking at her that she didn’t approve of her short skirt and tight bodice, with just a little too much of her bosom revealed in the V-neck collar. Grandmother Myra looked at me and nodded as if to say, “See what happens when young girls are given too much freedom, missy?”
The hostess led us to one of the booths. I sat across from my grandparents and could view most of the restaurant. I couldn’t help but be fascinated with all of it, the activity of the waiters and waitresses, the vibrant conversations being held at the various tables, some of which seemed to be occupied by families. I saw a few young couples, one of whom appeared involved in a very serious, intimate discussion. For me, it was a bigger visual feast than the food I would enjoy.
The waiter brought us our menus and took orders for our drinks. My grandmother ordered mine, a lemonade, before I could even look at the choices, which included sodas I had never tasted.
“These prices aren’t that reasonable,” my grandmother told my grandfather.
“Compared with what is being charged in other places, they are.”
“What do you know about it?”
“I remember going out to eat, Myra, and Sam tells me about places he and Trudy go.”
“They were always careless with a dollar,” she replied. “Just lucky you were paying him that good salary.”
“He was worth it.”
She grunted and looked at me. “You should have the chicken dish,” she said. “You’re not used to eating rich meats or these Italian foods. We’ll get you a salad, of course. Twelve dollars for mixed greens and tomatoes,” she added, shaking her head.
The waiter returned with our drinks and took our orders. My grandfather looked as if he wanted the steak, mumbling about it, but he chose the chicken dish instead. My grandmother did the same.
“I never enjoyed eating with all this noise around me,” my grandmother told me. “Even when I was as young as you. It’s not good for digestion. People eat too quickly in restaurants, because the waiters are told to rush them along so they can get someone else to sit at the table and the restaurant can make more money.”
“Really?”
“Of course, really. Would I tell you something that was untrue?”
“Why do people put up with it?” I asked, looking at the other customers, none of whom seemed particularly unhappy being there.
“They’re too stupid to realize it, that’s why,” she replied. She began to examine the silverware.
“I’m sure everything is clean, Myra,” my grandfather said. “They have an A in the window for their inspection.”
She pursed her lips and looked at the fake flowers in the vase disdainfully.
My attention was drawn to a couple coming in with two children, the older one a boy who was probably eighteen or nineteen. He had wavy, long light brown hair and reminded me of an illustration in one of the biblical storybooks my grandmother had given me. He looked like a young Judah Maccabee pictured in my book. Although I was intrigued with him, I was also very interested in his sister, who looked about the same age. She had the same light brown hair and features so similar that I wondered if they could be twins.
Although I was drawn to watch every move they made, I was very aware of the way my grandmother was studying me, probably trying to determine if what I saw and heard was influencing me badly. That was always her concern whenever I went anywhere with her and my grandfather. What effect would it have on me? It was as if she believed I could look at something for only a few moments or overhear some conversation and immediately turn into some evil creature.
So I shifted my gaze back to the fake flowers and then sipped my lemonade. My grandfather started to talk about some of the nicer restaurants he had gone to when he was a young man in business college. He described foods I’d never heard of, much less tasted. We never had lobster or clams or oysters. Grandmother Myra was always very careful about her food budget. I think the truth was that she didn’t know how to prepare seafood.
The waiter brought us our salads, and we began to eat.
“How you could afford to go to a restaurant while you were attending college is a mystery to me,” Grandmother Myra told him.
“It wasn’t easy,” he said, smiling. She looked at him with such disapproval he stopped smiling immediately and changed the subject to the new development he saw being done in the area.
“All this modernizing,” Grandmother Myra said. “For what? Things were good as they were. All it’s doing is bringing in too many people.”
“Have to improve and build your economy,” Grandfather Prescott said. On this, he wasn’t going to back down. Whenever she saw there was a topic he wouldn’t avoid, she simply grew quiet or directed her attention elsewhere. Right now, she was criticizing the way some of the waiters and waitresses served food.
“I see how their fingers touch the potatoes or the pasta,” she said.
I looked again at the family who had drawn my attention when they entered. They were waiting for a table, and the one they were brought to was only two tables from us. When they were seated, the young man was facing me. After their waiter took their drink orders, he looked at the menu, but then his gaze shifted toward me, and I quickly looked away.
Our food was brought to our table, and I tried to concentrate only on that while Grandmother Myra went through her litany of complaints about it all. Nothing was made the way it should be, the way she would have made it. She couldn’t believe it was clean enough. There was dust under the table. Eating out never was worth the money.
“It’s Elle’s birthday celebration,” my grandfather said softly.
“I could have made her a better dinner.”
“Tomorrow night,” he replied.
She pursed her lips the way she always did when her thoughts bounced around in her head and were shut down before getting to her tongue. I thought my food tasted better than what she would do with a chicken dish, but I kept that to myself and even tried not to look as if I was enjoying it so much. When I ventured to gaze toward the young man again, I saw he was still looking at me, with a small smile on his lips as if something about me amused him. Despite my attempts to avoid any response, I could feel my face heat up.
“What’s wrong?” Grandmother Myra asked immediately. “You look flushed.”
I shook my head. “I think there’s something too spicy in mine,” I offered.
“See?” she said, turning on my grandfather. “They’re sloppy about how they prepare. They put in too much salt, for sure.”
He didn’t say anything. I kept my eyes locked on my food. Even though I was really enjoying it, my excuse for the blush that had come over me forced me to leave the remaining portion. There were tears in my eyes, but they weren’t from any hot spice.
“Maybe we should order her something else,” my grandfather said. He started to raise his hand to catch our waiter’s attention, but she stopped him.
“She’s eaten enough,” she said.
“Elle?” he asked.
“I’m fine, Grandfather.”
“Okay,” he said. “We’re going to get her a piece of cake with a candle anyway,” he said. “I made sure of that.”
“Oh, how ridiculous. One piece of cake and one candle for a girl this age.”
“It’s symbolic. I didn’t want fifteen candles on it,” he said, smiling.
She shook her head, but she didn’t put up any resistance. When the waiter returned, my grandfather ordered a cup of coffee and told him it was my birthday. Grandmother Myra said she was fine with her water, even though it tasted as if it had come out of someone’s pool. I sat back, actually trembling. They were going to bring me a piece of cake with a candle. For something like this to happen in a public place with so many people around us made me very nervous. I glanced at the young man.
He was talking to his father, who wore a light blue lightweight sports jacket with a dark blue shirt opened at the collar. They seemed to be in a very serious conversation. I thought the young man’s good looks were even more highlighted when he was serious. His eyes, which I could see now were a bit lighter than sea blue, brightened with his intensity. I wished I could hear what they were saying. He looked so serious, so intelligent. It intrigued me. What did other people talk about? Certainly not hell and damnation, I thought.
When the young man and his family had entered, I hadn’t looked very much at the parents, but I thought the young man’s father was as good-looking as anyone I had seen on television. I didn’t get a close enough look at the young man’s mother, but now that she was seated next to her son, I could see she had the same shade of light brown hair, styled beautifully around her face. Her eyes were more of a gray-blue. She had soft, exquisitely small facial features, with lips that looked a little puffed. Her daughter’s hair was as long as mine but brushed freely around her shoulders. I always wanted to wear my hair like that and couldn’t wait to untie it before going to bed.
Not only our waiter but two others came with my piece of birthday cake, the candle lit. They stood by our table and sang “Happy Birthday” when I blew out the candle. I felt like crawling under the table. My grandmother didn’t look as upset as I thought she would, however, and my grandfather was smiling brightly. After they finished singing, it seemed the whole restaurant applauded. I gazed at some of the other customers and saw them smiling and nodding at me. I didn’t know how to react, so I just swallowed hard, forced a smile, and lifted my fork. The waiters clapped. One handed my grandfather his cup of coffee, and I gingerly put my fork into the cake. Would anyone here realize I had never had a piece of cake, only a practically sugarless piece of pie?
“Don’t eat it too fast,” my grandmother warned. “It will give you a bellyache.”
I took the smallest piece I could. Anyone watching would think I was afraid the cake might be poison.
“Well?” Grandfather Prescott asked.
“It’s delicious,” I said.
“You make sure you brush your teeth well when we get home,” Grandmother Myra told me. “Sugar will rot your teeth.”
I nodded but cut a bigger piece. Then I looked at the young man again. His smile was wider and brighter. He nodded at me. What do I do? If I acknowledged him, my grandmother might see, but if I didn’t, I would look snobby, I thought. I took a chance with a very small nod and a flash of a smile. Fortunately, my grandmother’s attention was elsewhere. She was complaining about some woman wearing a dress that was so revealing she should be naked and get finished with it. My grandfather said nothing, but the moment I finished my cake, he signaled the waiter for the check.
“You don’t leave more than fifteen percent,” my grandmother told him, “and that’s based on the net with the tax removed.”
“I think I know how to leave a tip properly,” he replied, which stunned me, because it was one of the first times I had heard him snap back at her so aggressively. “And if the service is very good, you should leave twenty percent.”
“Ridiculous. There was nothing particularly good about the service anyway.”
She pulled herself in and looked at the wall as if she couldn’t stand looking at the bill when the waiter brought it to us. Grandfather Prescott studied it and put down the cash. Grandmother Myra was against having credit cards. She said it only encouraged reckless spending, and the interest rate, should you forget to pay on time, was downright legalized theft.
“Well, shall we go?”
“You’ll have no argument from me,” Grandmother Myra said.
“Thank you,” I told them.
Grandmother Myra just sighed, but Grandfather Prescott nodded and smiled. “You’re very welcome, Elle.”
I waited for them to get up. I thought that if they walked ahead of me, Grandmother Myra would not see me look at the young man. There was no way I could walk out and ignore him. As we passed their table, he leaned toward us and said, “Happy birthday.”
I smiled at him but said nothing. Grandmother Myra hadn’t heard it. When we reached the door, I looked back. He was talking with his father again. I was disappointed. I wanted one more smile.
My first thought as we walked out was, was that an evil thing to want? Was this the beginning?