Chapter Ten

Jeremiah

 

The day after the memorial, less than 24 hours later, I was shrouded in confusion about what went down in that bathroom during the repast. Obviously, the act itself wasn’t confusing; It might have been a few months, but I remember what sex is and clearly, my body remembered how to do it with Lisa. It had taken every ounce of willpower I possessed not to sit her on the countertop and show her everything she had been missing. I had to remind myself that she was missing it by choice, that she’d left on purpose. But I was a work in progress because while I could keep myself from participating too much, I couldn’t make myself remove her from my lap and walk out of that bathroom.

Despite the way she’d treated me, Lisa still had a strong hold on me. I still loved her and I didn’t know when or if that would change. When she reached into my pants and grabbed my dick, my eyes nearly rolled into the back of my head. It had been so damn long since that last night we were together like that and while part of me was ringing an alarm, another, dominant, part was begging for that release.

It wasn’t a hard decision to make. Yeah, I got the release, but as soon as I did, all of the space that had been filled with desire and want was overrun by disgust. Once again I’d let her use me. She took her orgasm and I had nothing to show for it. That’s when the questions flooded in, questions that I didn’t want to stick around for her to answer.

Why are you here?

What does this mean?

Are you coming home?

Why did you leave?

Did you ever love me?

That last one really fucked me up. Once upon a time, I thought I knew what love looked like on Lisa. Now I wasn’t so sure what I’d been seeing all of these years, because I saw that same look clear and in high definition on her face yesterday. I felt like that classic Geto Boys cut, because if she could gaze at me like a woman in love, mere weeks after screaming at me to leave her alone and let her live her life, without me, then surely my mind was playing tricks on me.

I was grateful that it was Sunday, and Ja’mya had stayed the night with Lisa so that Lisa could take Ja’mya to her morning basketball practice. I had the house to myself which was perfect for quiet contemplation. My brain was stuck on the fact that Lisa had even shown up to the service, to begin with, because to my knowledge, she hadn’t known Donny or any of the others. Before I could fall too far down that rabbit hole, the doorbell rang. A glance at the Texas-shaped clock told me it was just after eleven.

It was too early for Ja’mya to be home from practice and even so, she wouldn’t have rung the bell. Whoever it was, was a surprise visitor. I muted the TV that had been watching me and walked over to the entrance. On the other side of the door was Lisa’s friend, Candice. If I had hair, my eyebrows would have been in it.

“Hi, Jeremiah!” Her bright, friendly smile eased some of my surprise, and made me remember my manners. Stepping aside, I gestured for her to come in and closed the door behind her.

“Hey, Candice. Uh, I’m not gon’ lie, I’m surprised to see you. I’m sure you know that Lisa isn’t here, so what brings you by?”

“Oh! Ja’mya asked me to stop by and check on you.”

I chuckled. That girl was something else. “She did, did she?”

Candice’s laugh was light and airy. Her straight, red hair swung around her face as she tilted her head back to laugh at the sarcasm in my voice. “She did. I tried to explain to her that it wasn’t in my job description to do such a thing, and she reminded me that I had a degree in psychiatry before getting my master’s in family counseling. That’s an extremely smart young lady you’re raising. You should be very proud.”

As with any time someone praised my babygirl, my chest swelled with pride. “Proud doesn’t even begin to describe it.”

Candice lifted one shoulder, and that’s when I realized that she held a covered dish in her hand.

“Oh! Let me take that from you. What is it?” She handed me the dish and shook her hands out.

“It’s a pan of crawfish etouffee.”

My mouth started to water as I carried the warm dish into the kitchen and placed it on the island countertop. “You made this for me?”

She nodded, following me through the house. “Yes, you. And Ja’mya, of course.” She set her purse on one of the barstools and washed her hands in the sink before pulling two bowls out of the cabinet and two spoons out of the drawer. I was momentarily startled by her knowledge of the layout of my kitchen, but then I remembered that Lisa had often hosted game night for her and her girlfriends at the house. Candice had definitely been in this kitchen enough times to know where everything was. I took a seat at one of the bar stools and watched her work. More than anything I was grateful for the distraction from my thoughts.

Candice uncovered the dish and I saw that it was a square, glass dish that was divided into two triangular sections. One side contained the tomato-based stew and the other white rice. The smells that hit me as soon as she uncovered the dish made my stomach grumble, causing both of us to laugh again.

“Are you hungry, Jeremiah?”

Still laughing, I shrugged. “Shit, I am now.”

Candice placed a heaping bowl of the still steaming food in front of me before moving to the refrigerator. She stared at the contents for a moment before grabbing a bottle of water, twisting the cap off, and setting it next to my bowl.

I shook my head in awe. “Damn, Candice! Did Ja’mya tell you that I’m easier to handle on a full stomach or something?”

Her tawny cheeks flushed a rosy pink and I felt a stirring in my groin. I dropped my eyes to my bowl of food and shifted in my seat. What the fuck was that? Candice carried her food over to my side of the island and sat on the stool next to me.

“Not at all. Her instructions were to come and ‘get you to talk about your feelings’ but that’s not what I’m here for. I remember very clearly, Ja’mya’s breakdown a couple of months ago, and how the only person she wanted at that moment was you.” Candice swung her gaze from her bowl up to me. As I stared back, I observed the green-speckled hazel. I’d never noticed how wide and pretty her eyes were. “I’m not here in a business capacity. I’m here as a friend.”

I smirked at that. “But you’re not my friend, you’re Lisa’s.”

She nodded, returning her attention to her bowl. “That’s true, and as her friend, I know that she’d want to make sure that you were healthy. Not just physically, but mentally as well.”

We’d have to agree to disagree on that one. The previous day’s encounter couldn’t even make me believe that she’d changed her mind about me. Especially considering how she’d made love to me two days in a row, all the while knowing she was going to leave me. I guess Candice wasn’t privy to that information.

I studied her profile. “So, does she know you’re here right now?”

Her cheeks lifted and she shook her head, but she didn’t look at me. “I’m not trying to creep on my friend’s man, Jeremiah.”

Her words caused my appetite to lessen. I pushed my bowl away from me and folded my arms on the counter while tilting my head so I could eye her suspiciously. “Now I know damn well that you know she and I aren’t together anymore.”

She spooned some of the stew in her mouth and took her time chewing before giving me an answer. “As far as I’m concerned, you’ll always be Lisa’s man.”

Well, that fucking sucked. While I genuinely had no intentions of moving myself out of Candice’s friendzone—the thought never even crossed my mind—it was upsetting to hear that I’d been forever pegged as “belonging” to someone who didn’t give a fuck about me. What kind of shit was that?

“Damn! So does that mean I have to be single forever? She doesn’t want me, but no one else can either, huh?”

I was laughing, but there was a kernel of truth hidden in there. Before Lisa, I never used to wonder if I was desirable. I was a Hawkins man, and we were known throughout Jefferson county, and not just because Hawk played basketball. Years of being denied by who I considered to be my ideal mate—my soul mate—planted seeds of insecurity, and being dropped without so much as a backward glance watered those seeds. My ego had taken a bruising and I wasn’t ashamed to say that I could use a little reassurance. Plus, I’d be lying if I said that I hadn’t noticed how fine Candice was, but that was truly all it was. Shit, none of the women in Lisa’s circle were anything other than gorgeous. It was one of the things that attracted me to her; she wasn’t so insecure that she had to surround herself with a gang of ugly ducks.

Candice ignored me, continuing to eat, and though I wanted to say something further, I let it go and pulled my bowl back to me. I sighed, and just as I lifted my spoon into the air, she spoke.

“If a woman has only known you to be in a relationship with one woman, how can you blame her for continuing to associate you with that woman, in her mind.”

I lowered my spoon. “We’re a little old for hypotheticals, aren’t we?”

“Not at all. I use them regularly. Especially at work.”

“Oh. I thought you weren’t here in a business capacity. Was that a lie, Candice? Is that what’s we’re doing now?” I shook my head in mock disgust and knocked my shoulder against hers.

“Touche.” She giggled and I joined in with a light chuckle. “Is that something you’re truly worried about?”

I nodded. “Of course. Every adult should be confident enough in their self to speak freely. Hypothetical questions are for the uncertain.”

She shook her head. “Jeremiah, seriously?”

I laughed at the expression on her face. “Seriously.”

She twisted in her seat to face me. “Do you think that Lisa leaving you means that no one else will want you?”

My eyes fell to the counter and I rubbed a hand over my head. “Logically—”

Her hand came to my knee and she leaned forward. “I’m not asking you for logic, Jeremiah. I’m asking for what you think?”

“Well, yeah, that’s how I’m feeling right now. I know it’s probably not true, but it feels true.”

She squeezed my knee. “Well, let me be the first to tell you that, that is far from the truth. Your desirability is not tied to another person. Least of all, the woman who decided to walk away from you.”

I nodded as her words washed over me like a balm. The heat from her hand on my leg got my attention.

“You sure you ain’t tryna cop a field on ya boy, Candice? I’m really vulnerable right now, are you trying to take advantage of me?” I teased her because it was fun. Seeing her cheeks pink brought a smile to my face. She swatted me on the arm and laughed. I joined in and one minute we were laughing at my stupid joke, the next, Candice’s lips were on mine and we were kissing. Despite my teasing, I was genuinely surprised by her actions, and for the first few seconds, I sat motionless. Then she started to pull away and that’s when I snapped into focus. I leaned forward and cupped the back of her head, pulling her closer to me to return her kiss full force. Just as I started to turn my body toward her to deepen the connection, she jerked back, nearly falling off of the bar stool.

She stared at me wide-eyed as she raised her fingers to her mouth and rubbed her lips. I didn’t say a word; I simply waited for her to either explain herself or continue. Her lids dropped closed and she shook her head.

“I can’t believe I did that.”

My eyebrows shot up and I rubbed my chin. I couldn’t believe it either, but I wasn’t going to complain. For those fifteen seconds, I had thought about something other than Lisa and yesterday’s bullshit, and it had felt great. I chuckled.

“Tell me again how you aren’t creeping on your friend’s man.”

Her hands flew to her face and she groaned. “Oh my god!” She dropped them to her lap and straightened her back, giving me her full attention. “Jeremiah, I had no intentions of kissing you when I agreed to come by. I meant what I said.”

I nodded. Candice had never given me the impression that she was harboring feelings for me, or that she was just waiting for Lisa to fuck up and leave an opening for her to slide on in. That’s why I was as surprised as I was. I would never have expected this from her.

“I know that, Candice. I’m just fucking with you. Look, it’s all good. We can just forget this ever happened. Alright?”

The corner of her mouth curved up and she blinked slowly. “That’s easier said than done.”

We sat there, staring at one another, each waiting for the other to say something else, to speak first when I heard the front door open.

“Daddy!”

Candice started to raise from the stool, but I motioned for her to remain seated. If she didn’t do anything wrong, there was no reason for her to rush off. I went into the living room and was greeted by the sight of Ja’mya slipping out of her basketball shoes and dropping her duffel bag on the floor by the stairs. I pulled her into a hug and kissed her temple.

“Welcome home, babygirl. How was practice?”

She hugged me back and followed me as I returned to the kitchen.

“It was good, Coach had me demonstrate that one crossover move that Unc showe—Ms. Candice!”

At the sight of the woman, Ja’mya stopped mid-sentence and rushed over to her. Candice stood and enveloped Ja’mya in a hug.

“I’m so glad you came!”

My shoulders dropped. Not that I thought Candice had lied to me, but I was relieved to know that Ja’mya had indeed sent her over and that this really wasn’t some ploy to get with me.

Candice giggled and shook her head. “Of course I came. I told you I would. Although, now, I’m going to head home.”

A quirked a brow. “You don’t have to leave. We didn’t even finish eating.” I gestured to the counter and glanced down. My eyes widened when I noticed that although my bowl was still full, Candice’s was empty.

She laughed. “You didn’t finish; I guess I kept you too distracted.”

My eyes swung over to her in time to catch the reddening of her cheeks. She must have just realized how that sounded and thought of that kiss. I chuckled once more. Feeling heat on the side of my face, I looked over to see Ja’mya giving me a curious look. I winked at her.

“Fix yourself a plate of etoufee, babygirl. I’m going to walk Ms. Candice out to her car.”

Ja’mya walked around the island to peer into the covered dish. She looked up at me. “You cooked, Daddy?”

“Nope, Ms. Candice made that for us. Show your manners.”

Immediately she issued a small smile in Candice’s direction.

“Thank you for preparing this, Ms. Candice. It smells mouthwatering, and I’m sure it tastes utterly scrumptious.”

I narrowed my eyes at her. She was laying it on thick, which was suspicious. Turning to Candice, I nodded toward the food.

“What about your dish?”

Ja’mya spoke quickly. “Oh, I’ll bring it with me to school and return it first thing in the morning.”

Candice smiled. “Thank you, Ja’mya. There is no rush, but I appreciate you exhibiting your responsibility.”

Ja’mya nodded and I shot her one more glance before leading Candice through the house and out the front door. She pressed a button on her keys to unlock the doors and I reached around her to open the door on the driver’s side. Instead of getting right in, she stood there with her back to me for a moment before turning around to face me.

“Jeremiah…”

I looked at her expectantly.

“What can I do for you, Ms. Candice?”

I looked down into those green-flecked eyes and saw regret staring up at me. A wry smile twisted my lips. I know what that look meant.

“Look—” My attempt at curving any pity was cut off by her lips meeting mine. Her hands cupped my face as she surprised me once more by initiating, but just as quickly as it began, it was over as she pulled away from me and used her thumbs to wipe all traces of her taste from my lips even as she licked her own.

“I’m not sorry for that first kiss, but I do apologize for this one. I needed a second taste of those lips. My god, Jeremiah, why do you taste so good?”

My mouth dropped open, but I was rendered speechless. How do you respond to something like that when you’re still recovering from the shock of being kissed by one of your ex’s friends? Luckily, Candice seemed to mean it as a rhetorical question.

“Nevermind.” Her hands fell from my face to her side. “I can’t pursue anything with you. I would be haunted.”

My brows furrowed in confusion. “Because of Lisa?”

She nodded slowly, her eyes still on mine. “Yes.”

I huffed. “But we aren’t even together. She doesn’t want me!”

“Whether or not she wants you is to be determined, but that is beside the point. You still love her, and although I completely understand that those emotions aren’t so easily disposed of, I would be doing myself—and you—a disservice by attempting to slide into a spot that isn’t completely unoccupied. You know that I’m right.”

I didn’t say anything; I couldn’t. There was nothing for me to refute, and if I were being honest, I knew it was too soon for me to even think of moving on. Glancing over at the house, I nodded.

“But,” I brought my gaze back to Candice as she continued. “I hope you know that’s the only reason I’m saying no.” Her lids fluttered and I couldn’t help but grin knowingly. Those two kisses she laid on me definitely helped heal my bruised ego.

I stepped back to put some space between us. “I got you. No hard feelings, I promise.”

“Thank you, Jeremiah.”

She looked at me like she wanted to say something else, but instead, she shook her head and climbed into her car. I closed the door and watched her back out of the driveway and drive down the street. Once she turned the corner, I walked up the path and went back inside. As I headed to the kitchen, the sound of running water hit me. Ja’mya was standing at the sink with her back to me. I walked up to her and peeked over her shoulder.

“What are you doing, babygirl?”

“Washing dishes.” Her reply was short but the waver in her voice was concerning.

I moved to her side and tilted my head. In her hands was Candice’s dish. It was empty and covered in suds. I looked behind me to see the island was empty; both mine and Candice’s bowls were gone, along with our drinks. Turning back around, I searched with my eyes until I spotted both bowls propped up in the drying rack on Ja’mya’s left. I backed up and went over to the refrigerator. When I didn’t see any new containers inside, I closed it and stared at my daughter’s back. Something wasn’t right. I stood there for a second, trying to figure out what it was when a lightbulb clicked on in my head. I went over to the trash can and stepped on the peddle to lift the top. Right on top was all of the etoufee. My jaw dropped and I spun around.

“Ja’mya! Just what the hell do you call yourself doing?! Why did you throw that food away?!”

She jumped in place when I spoke but didn’t turn around or answer me. She continued to rinse the dishes in her hands and place them on the rack with the others. My blood boiled.

“If you don’t turn your lil’ self around and answer me, we are going to have a problem!”

Immediately she spun around, face full of attitude. “I saw you!”

“Saw me what?”

“I saw you outside! I saw her kiss you! And you didn’t stop her!”

Aww shit. The tension in my shoulders loosened and they dropped down as I deflated, anger gone. I moved across the room and the guilt I didn’t feel at the time of the kiss, hit me like a freight train at the tears in my baby’s eyes.

“Mya…”

She buried her face in my chest and burst into tears. I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed her to me, once again angry with Lisa for putting me in this position. Even though nothing would happen between me and Candice, is this something I’m going to have to deal with any time a woman shows some interest in me? My daughter is going to be pissed at me and act out. I let her cry it out but as soon as her sniffles grew quiet, I spoke.

“You still shouldn’t have thrown the food away.”

She stepped back and looked up at me. “I had already thrown it away before I saw you.”

“But…why?”

“Because, Daddy, I asked her to come over here and talk to you, not to put voodoo on you.”

I sputtered with laughter. “Wha—what?”

Ja’mya’s face was earnest. “Daddy, everyone knows you can’t eat red sauce made by a woman from Louisiana. She was probably trying to make you fall in love with her!”

I laughed hard at that. That was something that DB had told me and my brother’s when we were growing up but I had no idea that it was something still mentioned today. Regardless, I couldn’t let her off the hook that easy.

“Although I appreciate you looking out for me, that was still unacceptable for you to do. You should have talked to me about it,” when she opened her mouth, I cut her off, “first. Not after you’d already done it.”

Her eyes fell to the middle of my chest. “I couldn’t take that chance.”

“And what chance is that, Ja’mya?”

Those, still damp, chestnut browns met mine. “That you might still eat it.”

“Why would you think I’d do that? I don’t want to be forced into having romantic feelings for someone.”

With a tilt of her head, she acknowledged me. “Yes, but you need love, Daddy. What if you can’t wait for Mommy to come back? You might want it from someone else, and Ms. Candice is really pretty. You might want it from her.”

I swallowed around the lump that formed in my throat. “I think you are overestimating my appeal.” I hedged, uncomfortable with having this conversation with her. “I’m not the kind of man that women would use magic on.”

She scoffed and rolled her eyes, her hands coming to a fold across her chest. “Daddy, please! You’re a very handsome man, you’re successful and a wonderful daddy. Ms. Candice would be lucky for you to even sneeze in her direction!”

I felt my face heat. This was not the way I expected this conversation to go. “Mya, please!”

She shrugged. “I’m just saying, Daddy. I love Ms. Candice, but I bet she wants you to be her daddy, too.”

I nearly choked on my saliva. “Ja’mya! That is enough!”

“Okay, okay! Maybe that was too, much. I’m sorry, Daddy.”

“You think? Shit!” I turned my back and grabbed a new beer from the fridge since my first one was in the garbage. As I took a healthy pull from the bottle, Ja’mya’s voice sounded from behind me.

“I just didn’t want her to steal you from us.”

My eyes dropped closed and my head fell forward, sinking between my shoulders. I turned to my daughter.

“Do you think I would ever let someone take me away from you?”

Relief flooded me when she shook her head but it was quickly replaced with amusement at her words.

“No, but if you were under the influence of voodoo, nothing would be able to stop you.”

I chuckled. “Not even voodoo could keep me away from my favorite girl in the world.”

A contemplative looked came across her face. “What about mommy? Could voodoo keep you away from her?”

I sighed. “The only thing able to keep me away from Lisa is Lisa. Which is why we aren’t together anymore.”

Ja’mya’s head dropped. “Okay, Daddy. I’m gonna go shower.” She left the room quickly and I cursed under my breath.

Despite my reservations, it looked like the three of us were going to have to sit down and have an honest conversation about what was going on. The first step was for me to stop ignoring all of Lisa’s calls and messages.