Chapter Five

Jeremiah

 

I didn’t sleep at all that night. The hours counted down but I spent the time pacing the house, replaying the entire conversation with Lisa over and over trying to pinpoint the exact moment when things changed. Nothing had seemed odd or set off any red flags. She’d taken a longer than usual shower after she got home from work but even that wasn’t so uncommon as to make me suspicious. She spent her day dealing with moody preteens so I expected her to need to decompress every now and then. The scene in the kitchen had been fantastic and Lisa had responded to every touch. I knew from experience that if Lisa wasn’t feeling me at any particular moment, that she wouldn’t even let me kiss on her, let alone get in between her legs. She definitely wouldn’t have been relaxed enough to squirt.

No, something else was going on. I didn’t believe for one minute that she had cheated on me. Hell, she didn’t have the time. Between work, me, and Ja’mya, what free-time she had, she spent with her girls. Not to mention that Pine Bluff wasn’t too big for information to make its way around the city. I may not know everyone who lived here, but I knew enough and whoever I didn’t know, my parents and DB surely knew the rest. If she messed around on me with someone local, someone would’ve told me about it by now.

Unless it wasn’t someone local.

I sat on the couch, staring at the large, Texas-shaped analog clock that Lisa had commissioned in honor of her home state that was mounted on the wall above the fireplace mantel. The moment the short-hand hit the eight, I grabbed my keys and headed out to my truck. It took me all of ten minutes to pull up to the school and an additional two to get to her classroom. The school day didn’t begin until 8:45 a.m., and I knew she would be in her classroom preparing for her day. I found her sitting at her desk, hunched over her lesson plan and constantly blowing her nose into a box of tissues.

“Lisa.”

She looked up when I called her name, and her eyes widened like a deer caught in headlights as I stepped into the room and closed the door behind me.

She stood and quickly made her way around her desk, holding her hands up to stop me from coming too close. “Jeremiah, what are you doing here?”

I ran my tongue across the front of my teeth in an effort to calm myself down. Her eyes were swollen and red and from the look of the pile of used tissues on the corner of her desk, she felt just as shitty as I did. So, if she was hurting behind her decision to leave me, why did she do it?

“I told you I was coming for you.”

She blew out an exasperated breath and placed her closed fists on the hips that I had been intimately close to less than twelve hours ago. “Why would you bring your hard-headed self to my job? Didn’t you hear anything I told you last night? I don’t want you anymore, Jeremiah! What we had is over and you need to accept that! You coming up here is pathetic.”

I jerked back in surprise. The venom in her voice caught me off guard. Had I misread the situation?

“Lee—”

“No!” She cut me off with a slice of her hand through the air. “I feel terrible about hurting you, but right now you are making me regret trying to spare your feelings. You need to leave right now, Jeremiah. And don’t come back.” Her voice was even and controlled.

The hard set to her jaw and steely glare she aimed in my direction deflated the fight right out of me. What had I done to turn Lisa so cold toward me all of sudden?

“What happened to the love we had? Where did all of this come from?” I waved my hand at her.

She folded her arms across her chest and looked away from me. “I found something better. No offense to you, it just happens that way sometimes.”

“No offe—No offense to me? After saying some shit like that? You found something better than what we’d spent years building and you say ‘no offense’? How the fuck am I not supposed to be offended?!”

Her eyes flitted behind me to the door of her classroom then came back to me. “You need to keep your voice down. As a matter of fact, you need to just leave. I have to work and you will not scare my students or put all of my business in the street.” She started to brush past me but I grabbed her arm and pulled her against me, relishing in the feel of her familiar softness.

“I love you, Lisa. I’m in love with you. Can you honestly look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t feel the same?”

She stiffened but tilted her head back to face me. Her milk chocolate brown eyes met mine.

“I’m engaged.”

I released her, stumbling back as if being near her scorched me.

“You—what?” I couldn’t believe my ears.

She continued her stride to the door and gripped the handle. Back to me, shoulders straight and head facing forward, she said, “He asked me and I didn’t hesitate to say yes.”

I didn’t know if I was more enraged or devastated. After years of telling me no, she told another man yes. I wanted to find this man to both ask him for his secret and simultaneously snap his neck. Lisa wasn’t done ripping my heart. Her next words sealed my fate.

“You and I have been in limbo for some time now. He was my ticket to heaven.”

She opened the door and after a moment of staring at the woman who had just become a stranger to me, I walked through it and exited the school without looking back. Just like the night before, by asking questions, I gave Lisa the space to cut my heart out with a plastic spork. It didn’t matter whether I believed her or not, if she was telling me that she was done with me, there was nothing I could do. As I slid behind the wheel of my truck, I recalled the recent conversation I’d had with my mama.

What does Lisa do for you? What does she give you?

At the moment, Lisa was giving me a Costco-sized helping of heartache with a mountainous side of disbelief. I didn’t know what to do with this. Was this a permanent thing? Was Lisa truly done with me? Was our family torn apart irreparably?

Our family.

What about our family? Did Ja’mya know about this? Was Lisa planning on taking my baby girl away from me? Did Lisa have this mystery man around my daughter? So many questions were running through my mind, and I didn’t have the answer to any of them. I wouldn’t dare think about pulling Ja’mya out of school, but I definitely needed to talk to her. It was imperative that I get ahead of any toxic vitriol that Lisa might try to spew about me. Fuck, man! That had never been a concern before, had never even crossed my mind, but now, I didn’t know what to believe and had to protect myself and my relationship with my baby girl. I’d seen enough fellas—family and friends alike—complain about less than stellar co-parenting to know that it wasn’t a club I had ever wanted to join. Unfortunately, the choice was made for me without me even having a say about it. For now, there was nothing I could do about it and I still had work to do. I couldn’t let this sudden road bump with Lisa throw me off of my game.

I drove to the office in White Hall to gather some materials before heading to the Little Rock office, which is where I was supposed to be in the first place. Today was the first day of preparation on the home of my newest client. Donny was meeting me at the client’s house at ten o’clock so that we could conduct a walk through. I was going to allow him to give me his opinions so that I could gauge where he needed the most training. When I pulled up to the house, the clock on my dash had just flipped to ten, and Donny was already standing at the front door.

Damn. I hated arriving last. I hurried up the walkway and offered the agent my hand. He was a couple of feet shorter than my 6’2” but stockier, probably outweighing me by at least thirty pounds. His long, black hair was streaked with gray and gathered into five chunky cornrows.

“Hey, man. I hope you weren’t waiting too long.”

He shook his head, pumping my hand three times before letting go. “Not at all. I just walked up myself.”

“Excellent. Well, let’s get started.” I entered a five-digit code into the lock box hanging on the doorknob and retrieved the key to the house.

After stepping inside and locking the door behind us, I trailed Donny throughout the 3,500 square foot home and took notes as he called out his suggestions for getting the house market-ready. To my pleasure, his observations were nearly perfect. I only had to mention a couple of things that were often considered minor and overlooked but actually made a significant difference when it came time to show the house. I was pleasantly surprised and made a point to compliment him on a job well done. It was just after twelve when I locked the house back up and got ready to make the drive back south. Donny surprised me by suggesting that we grab lunch and I started to decline but something in his eyes made me accept. As I sat across from him fifteen minutes later while he told me his story as we waited on our waiter to deliver our drinks, I realized what that something was.

Donny had loosened his tie and tossed it over his shoulder as the waiter placed his coffee and my ice water on the table and took our orders. I cringed as Donny took a long sip of the steaming beverage without adding cream or sugar to it.

“Being laid off was a blessing. I would have kept going ‘til I passed out.”

I raised my eyebrows. “You were that determined, huh.”

He shook his head. “No, I was that stubborn. My kids had to grow up without their father at home because I was too busy chasing money. Now that I have all of the free time I could want, they don’t want anything to do with me. One is in college down at Franklin in Houston and the other is twenty-two and lives up here in Little Rock.”

“That’s not too bad. They are still young.”

He downed the rest of his cup of coffee and wiped his mouth on a paper napkin. “They might be young, but I spent nineteen years driving trucks out of Texarkana and out on the oilfield in the Gulf Coast and I missed getting to know them. I missed their childhood, I missed seeing them grow up.” He chuckled and idly shred the napkin into tiny pieces. “I wasn’t at birthday parties, and I don’t remember them losing their teeth. We don’t have a relationship outside of me paying for everything, and it’s my fault.”

All it took was me imagining Ja’mya not wanting anything to do with me, and I felt Donny’s pain as if it were my own. I prayed that me and Lisa splitting up wouldn’t be the catalyst for that.

“You were working to provide for them. That has to count for something.”

“All it counted for was a big house they couldn’t wait to escape and debt-free college degrees.”

I sat back in my seat. “That sure as hell sounds like something to me! In fact, it sounds like quite a lot.”

He waved me off as our waiter returned carrying our plates of food. Donny waited until the waiter left and I was digging into my seafood omelet before continuing.

“Look, J. I didn’t tell you all of that so that you could try and make me feel better. I know the good that I did but I’m also man enough to admit that I could have done some other things a hell of a lot better.” He stared down at his pancake breakfast platter and grabbed the boat of hot maple syrup to pour over his plate. “The reason I told you anything at all was because I needed you to understand where I’m coming from. I didn’t get into this business to become a hotshot realtor with billboards all across the state. I’m here because I need something flexible that will allow me to travel back and forth to see my kids. I chose real estate because I worked too hard for too long to do something as mundane as become a greeter at the grocery store. I needed a challenge and that’s what being a realtor represents to me.” He sliced into his food and begin to eat.

I contemplated what Donny had just said and held my fist out. “I have no choice to respect that, man. Salute.”

He knocked my fist with his own, nodded, and focused on his food. When he’d mowed halfway through the mountain of food in front of him, he paused mid-chew and looked up at me. Sensing his stare, I raised my eyebrows as I swallowed the last bit of lobster and shrimp from my omelet.

“I just want to say that I admire you, J. Whenever I come down, I see you leaving work to pick your daughter up from school or take her to her basketball games, and I just want you to know that you’re doing the right thing. You’re putting that girl first, and I have no doubt that if she doesn’t appreciate it now, she will appreciate it when she gets older. I just wanted to let you know that.”

I wiped my mouth and drained my glass of water. “I really appreciate that, Donny. I love my job, but nothing comes before my babygirl.”

“That’s the right attitude to have. I wish I’d had that wisdom twenty years ago.”

“You have it now, there’s no time like the present.”

He nodded absently and returned his attention to his food. I tried to do the same but my mind was elsewhere. Part of putting Ja’mya first meant refusing to drag her into this bullshit between me and her mother. Of course, some of it was unavoidable because we all lived together, but Ja’mya didn’t need to know the specific or even vague details. I would do what I could to make that a reality.

Then I had a thought. What if that had been the problem? Had I been too dedicated to my daughter? Had I inadvertently neglected Lisa in favor of putting Ja’mya first? Did I fail to give Lisa enough attention, enough affection, enough love? She was the only one who could answer that for me.

Once we finished our meal, Donny and I argued about it, but I got him to agree to let me put lunch on the company credit card. It absolutely qualified as a business lunch, and there was no need for him to come out of pocket on it, even if he could easily afford to. His words, not mine. I climbed into my truck and called Lisa. It was her free-period since her class was in with their math teacher, and we would often talk on the phone during this time. Unsurprisingly, she didn’t answer for me this time. I left a voice message, asking her to call me, then immediately sent her a text message with the same request. My phone chimed before I made it to the highway. I waited until I reached a red light before pulling it from the center console and checking it. My lips pursed with annoyance when I saw that while Lisa had ignored my call, she had no problem texting me back quickly.

Lady Lee: Why do I need to call you? Just tell me what you want right now.

I pressed the button to call her again, but this time she not only ignored my call, she sent me straight to voicemail. It took everything in me not to thrown my damn phone out the window.

Me: You won’t even answer the phone, Lisa?

Lady Lee: I’m busy, just text it to me.

Just that fast, the rage I’d felt when I left her classroom this morning had returned, and any questions about my shortcomings went out of the window.

Me: I wanted to talk about Ja’mya.

Lady Lee: What about her? I saw her at lunch and she’s fine.

Me: She’s fine now but she won’t be if you tell her what’s going on between us.

Lady Lee: …

Lady Lee: What do you mean if? She needs to know what’s going on so she won’t be confused.

Me: We need to discuss what we will tell her. I don’t want her negatively impacted by too many details. Not everything is her business.

Lady Lee: …

Lady Lee: …

Lady Lee: You’re right. I won’t tell her everything. Just that you and I aren’t together anymore.

Lady Lee: Is that fine?

No, that wasn’t fine. None of this was fine. This whole situation was anything but fine.

Me: I guess it has to be.

No other message came through, so I tossed the phone into the passenger seat and gripped the steering wheel with both hands. I didn’t know how to navigate life with this new Lisa. Yeah, she was new, because everything she was doing, the words she was saying, were all uncommon and I resented that she could switch up on me so easily.

All of our time together and she had no problem turning her back on me as if all we did was fuck over the years and had never built a bond. This new Lisa didn’t resemble the woman I’d longed to make my wife at all.

♥♥♥♥

Ma was in Dallas for business, and Pops had gone up to Jonesboro with DB, which is where DB was born and had lived before his family moved to Pine Bluff when he was a youngin’. According to Pops, they’d be there all day, not returning until late in the evening. Hawk was coming into town for a one-day stop and since both of my parents were indisposed, I’d be picking him up. His plane didn’t land until after midnight and I didn’t want Ja’mya at home by herself that late at night. I would just bring her with me, but she had basketball practice after school then she had homework. It made sense for Lisa to bring her home since she would already be at the school but that didn’t sit well with me. I had an ugly feeling in the pit of my stomach that said Lisa would try to take my baby girl away from me.

Lisa still hadn’t told her what was going on, so I kept my mouth closed about it as well, but the feeling was there all the same. Maybe the feeling was irrational considering how long we had been together. Maybe Lisa would never do anything to try and destroy the bond I had with my child. Maybe. Then again. I couldn’t base my assumptions on the Lisa I knew because that woman would be logical and wouldn’t harm her daughter to spite anyone else. This Lisa who had suddenly decided that she wanted nothing to do with me, might not operate in the same fashion.

Damn, how could so much change in so little time? This was only day two and if I was being honest I could admit that I was still holding out hope that she would change her mind and come home. I knew she had to be uncomfortable sleeping in Trisha’s guest bedroom. The twin-sized day bed didn’t compare to the memory foam mattress that Lisa had insisted we buy five years ago. I know, because I’m the one who put the bed together when Trisha moved into the house she was in now.

Just the fact that Lisa was staying with her friend and hadn’t gotten an apartment or worse, moved in with her mystery man, gave me a little comfort. I didn’t know what her plans were but the lack of putting down roots eased a minute amount of my pain. It couldn’t do much more than that since I had slept alone and without the promise of Lisa’s return for the first night in almost two decades, but it was enough for me to grasp and hold on to.

As I stood outside of the baggage claim, a feeling of deja vu came over me. Not even a week earlier I had been in this exact spot waiting on Lisa to come through those doors so I could wrap my arms around her and show her how much I missed her while she was gone. Unfortunately, while I had been eager to see her, she had apparently been plotting her exit from my life all while she kissed me like I was a cool glass of water in the desert. I still felt blindsided.

The moment my baby brother’s form appeared in my line of sight, a huge grin spread across my face and I fought to laugh. This nigga had on a coat! It was the end of February and he was bundled up like he was expecting a blizzard in Chi-town. That down-south weather had made him soft. I pushed off the column I was leaning against and spread my arms wide.

“Baby boy!” Seeing him instantly lifted my spirits. Due to his busy schedule, Hawk didn’t make it home as often as he would if he wasn’t a star for a championship NBA team. I didn’t trip about it, I was proud of my baby brother and all of his accomplishments. He returned my grin and we slapped hands as I pulled him toward me and thumped him on the back.

“What’s good, old man?” He—wisely—jumped out of my reach as soon as he said that, but I still faked like I was going to swing on him, bucking at him like he was still the shorter, scrawny little punk kid I used to tease just because he was three years my junior. He now stood an inch or so taller than me, and thanks to a consistent diet and work regime, had more muscle mass than I’d had in at least ten years. Despite that, I couldn’t let him get away with that barb.

“Oh, I’m old now, huh?”

He was yukking it up. “Gotta be if I’m a baby, and you’re the oldest.”

I nodded. “Whatever, nigga.”

Behind Hawk stood my favorite cousin, line brother, and Hawk’s one-man entourage. Boobie was also a sight for sore eyes. Hawk and Jereth might have been my only blood siblings, but Boobie was my motherfucking brother! We hugged, slapping each other on the back, then pulled away to execute the not-so-secret handshake that we had invented when we were six years old. This handshake had seen some things and managed to survive throughout our teens, college, pledging, and the current distance between us. We ended it by snapping our fingers and bumping chests. Damn. Boobie had been working out too. He’d always been bigger than the rest of us boys—our parents called it husky when we were little kids—but, while he was still broad, a lot of the softness in Boobie’s middle had turned to rock when I wasn’t paying attention. I surreptitiously rubbed my abdomen.

“You didn’t show me that much love, J, and I’m your brother.”

I chuckled. It never failed to amuse me that my baby brother, the celebrity whose face was recognized by millions, could be jealous of a handshake. I glanced back and smirked when I saw the fake glare on his face.

“You get enough love from everybody else with your attention-seeking ass.”

He had no choice but to laugh at that, and Boobie and I joined in as we traveled through the airport and out into the parking lot where my truck was parked. Boobie nabbed shotgun and Hawk stretched out in the backseat. I could see the exhaustion all over his face and knew he would be falling asleep on the drive down to our parents’ house where he was staying. As I predicted, he was out before I’d even got onto 530. I glanced to my right at my cousin. Boobie was engrossed in the screen of his cell phone.

“Say, bruh.” I kept my voice low as I got my cousin’s attention.

He looked over at me. “What’s up?”

With a tilt of my head to the back seat, I said, “How’s he holding up down there?”

Boobie dropped his phone into his lap and let off a heavy sigh. “On the court, he’s great. Everything is chill and he just does his thing, you know?” I nodded. Hawk was always at home when he was on a basketball court. “But when he’s off the court, that’s when I can tell that things aren’t as okay as he wants them to seem. He hardly leaves the house, and now he won’t even go grocery shopping anymore. Either Trina gotta go with his list or he orders them to be delivered. Shit, he don’t even like being recognized by fans anymore.”

“Damn.” It was a running suspicion in the media that Hawk was a hermit. Years of him declining to make public appearances that weren’t related to the team and lack of information about a woman in his life had fueled the rumors. Usually, it was something we joked about but now it sounded like he was internalizing it.

“That doesn’t sound too good at all. What is his plan?”

Boobie glanced at the back of the cab then leveled me with a look. “He’s thinking about retiring from the league.”

My jaw dropped. “Are you serious?”

“As a car wreck, my dude. If he goes again, next year will be it.” He gave me a knowing look. “But we never heard this shit, ya feel me?” He held his hand out, fingers together, palm facing the back of the cab. Sliding my left hand to the top of the steering wheel, I slid my right palm against his, curving up into an arch, then reversed the motion until the tips of our fingers were touching where we linked fingers for a second, then pulled away and snapped.

“You already know.”

“Bet.”

We spent the rest of the trip in silence. When I pulled up to my uncle Charles and aunt Sabrina’s house, a couple of streets over from where my parents lived, Boobie gave me a reverse nod and climbed out of the truck. Two minutes later, I pulled into the driveway of my parents’ house and cut the engine. The front door was open and I could see the well-lit living room through the glass screen door. I stepped down from the cab, followed by a sleepy Hawk, and turned just in time to see Ja’mya come running out of the house aimed right for her uncle. She jumped at him, and he lifted her into his arms. All I could do was laugh as I made my way to the front door to open it while I watched him awkwardly make his way to the front door with my long-legged preteen wrapped around him.

I pointed my keys at my truck and pressed the fob until it honked and the headlights flashed. When I turned back to the living room, I caught the tail end of my father calling Hawk his favorite son. I frowned and stepped over Ja’mya who was on the floor giggling.

“Awe, c’mon, Pops. Not that shit again.” I folded my arms across my chest as Hawk slapped a hand on my shoulder.

“Stop whining and let the truth be told, old man.” I glared at him and he jumped away before I could even decide if I wanted to swing on him. I found myself considering that often when Hawk was involved. Pops came over and roped his arm around my neck and pressed a placating kiss to my temple.

He lowered his chin and looked at me as if he was peering over the rim of a pair of glasses. “You know I love you, son.”

Both annoyed and amused, I sighed. My father had a few classic lines that he’d used on the three of us our entire childhood. I knew without a doubt that he was about to unleash one of my least favorite lines on me right then. In an attempt to soften the sting, I said the words myself.

“Yeah, I know. You just love him more.”

Pops smiled wide. “That’s it!”

My traitorous daughter and her punk-ass uncle laughed, and I couldn’t help but chuckle myself. I’d brought that line on my own self. The only reason Pops even started declaring that he loved Hawk more than me was because he’d caught me trying to convince Hawk that he was adopted when he was nine years old. Instead of spanking me, he reasoned that if Hawk was adopted, then he must have loved him more than me because he and my mama made the decision to bring Hawk into our family, whereas my existence wasn’t by choice but mere happenstance. Those words had confused the hell out of my twelve-year-old self. Nowadays I appreciated the logical discipline that my father had used. He wasn’t college educated but he was one of the smartest men I knew, and I respected the hell out of him.

Collectively, everyone began to sit down and I dropped into the reclining chair while the rest of my family settled on the leather sectional sofa. I stifled a yawn as Pops started to question Hawk about the length of his stay as if he hadn’t told us ahead of time that he only had one day in between his own game and the All-Star festivities. As if I’d summoned the topic, my father directed a question in my direction.

“We’ll be there, right J?”

I nodded. “Of course, Pops.”

With a grin, Hawk asked Ja’mya if she was going with me, Ma, and Pops to Houston to watch him play in the All-Star game on Sunday. Hawk had been selected to play every year since he was a rookie, which was before Ja’mya was born. This would be the first year we would let her attend with us, and when she said as much, Hawk gave her the enthusiasm she was looking for, just before yawning hard enough to cause the bones in his jaw to crack. That was our cue. I stood up and pulled Ja’mya’s jacket and hat off the arm of the couch and handed them to her.

“Alright, let’s head home, babygirl. Your uncle’s tired and needs to get some rest.”

She started to pout but got up and took her outwear from me. At the pace that she was moving, any slower, and she’d be moving backwards. I folded my arms across my chest, ready to light into her, but she was saved by Hawk grabbing her hand.

“It’s all good, J-Baby. I’ll see you later when ya’ll come over to kick it.”

“Yeah, but everybody will be taking your attention, and I won’t get to tell you about my basketball game yesterday.”

Her voice sounded so pitiful. I glanced at my father, but he held his hands up in surrender and chuckled silently. He was supposed to give me advice and instead, he was laughing at me. Ridiculous! Hawk glanced at me and I shrugged. There was a kernel of truth in Ja’mya’s dramatics. Whenever Hawk came home, the entire family swarmed him until Ma went off and got everyone straight. When Hawk raised his eyebrows at me, I realized that he was trying to communicate with me silently. I nodded and directed my next words to my daughter.

“We’ll come by a little early so you can talk to him.”

“Yes!” Her squeal of delight made me laugh. She hugged her uncle before wrapping her arms around me and squeezing tightly. “Thank you, Daddy!” I watched as she bounded across the room to hug my Pops’ neck. “Bye, PopPop; I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Both men smiled and waved us off and I called out that we would see them tomorrow. When we got home, I had a text message from Lisa and my good spirits instantly died.

Lady Lee: I’d like to talk to Ja’mya tomorrow night.

I’d been able to forget the bullshit for two hours straight but right here on my cell phone was a reminder that even if I pretended, the truth was waiting on me. I glanced over at my daughter with a heavy heart. Ja’mya had fallen asleep on the brief ride home, so I carried her upstairs to her bedroom and put her in bed. I didn’t give another thought to my phone until I was undressed and settled under the cool duvet.

Me: Tomorrow isn’t good. Hawk is in town and we’ll be over there with him.

If things were normal, Lisa would be going with us. Her presence was so natural that I’d started to type out that she should meet us over there. I caught myself before hitting send and deleted the wayward thoughts. I stared at my phone for a full minute before shutting it off completely and putting it on my nightstand. Never before did I have trouble thinking of what to say to Lisa. From the moment I met her, all I’d wanted to do was converse with her and watch her fix her luscious mouth to spout off about any and everything which, at the time, was much about feminism and misogyny, thanks to her women’s studies courses.

Now, I couldn’t even communicate with her nonverbally and I was like a fish out of water. This element was unknown and I was at a loss for how to navigate it. I was torn between rage for being blindsided and sorrow for the loss of something I never knew was in jeopardy, and the tug of war was exhausting. I just wanted things to go back to the way they were. I even regretted constantly asking for marriage instead of being satisfied with what I had. If Lisa would just come home to me, I would do whatever she wanted. Whatever she needed. If she would just tell me where I fucked up, I’d fix it instantly and make it so she wondered why she’d ever left me to begin with.

Although I fell asleep, I didn’t get a lick of rest. I’d tossed and turned until I was tangled up in the sheets and finally woke up just to watch the alarm clock on my radio count down the minutes until it was time for me to go wake Ja’mya. I expected her to be groggy and give me a hard time since we’d been out late the night before, but to my surprise, she was already wide awake when I lightly knocked on her bedroom door before opening it and peeking my head in. She sat fully dressed in the chair at her vanity, staring idly at her open closet door.

My brows furrowed in concern, I stepped into the room. “Are you alright, babygirl?”

She blinked out of her daze and instead of fussing about me polluting the vibe of her bedroom with my parental energy, she gave me a wan smile that only served to elevate my concern.

“I’m okay, Daddy.”

I crossed the room and knelt by her chair, cupping her face in my hands and tilting her head around while I examined for myself if she truly was just “okay”. She giggled lightly, sleep still heavy on her.

“Daddy!”

“What?” Satisfied with the lack of physical issues, I released her but stayed by her side.

Her eyes fell to the floor then rose to meet mine. “Is mommy really helping Auntie T with a project and that’s why she hasn’t been home?”

I felt the air whoosh out of my lungs and my heart fall into the pit of my stomach. This is the shit I had been dreading. Lisa had put me in a poor position and I was furious. For the sake of my baby girl, I had to school my features so she wouldn’t pick up on my rage.

“Is that what she told you?”

Ja’mya nodded and I wanted to shake some sense into Lisa. Our daughter was too smart to accept some bullshit like that. It wasn’t even a logical excuse. I sighed.

“I’m not sure—”

“Did you guys break up?” She interrupted my struggling with a question of her own. My eyes widened.

“Why do you ask that?” I was unprepared to answer that. It didn’t feel right to say yes even if that’s what Lisa had intended. Nah, we hadn’t broken up, we were just on a break.

The look Ja’mya gave me was a searing glare. I know she was displeased that I answered her question with a question but that was all I had for her at the moment.

“Because Daddy. You’ve been sad all week.”

I scrubbed a hand down my face. Either Ja’mya was extremely observant, or I was shit at masking my emotions. Hell, more than likely, it was both. In fact, she could probably tell how pissed I was right now. Might as well give her what truth I could spare. “Babygirl…Daddy is just going through some things right now—”

“Well, why isn’t she here then?” Her back was curved backward as she hunched over with her fingers entwined in her lap.

I had to close my eyes and gather my strength to answer her. There was no way in hell I was about to lie to my child, but I had to give her something.

“Only Mommy can tell you why she isn’t here, babygirl. If she told you that she is helping your Auntie T, then you have to accept that she told you that for a reason.”

A sob burst from her lips and she buried her face in her hands. “Oh my god! You are breaking up!”

I wrapped my arms around her and rocked her gently in an attempt to calm her down. “Hey, hey. I didn’t say that.”

“You didn’t say no either. You just circumvented the truth, which inadvertently gave me the real answer.”

Gotdamn, this girl was too smart for my own good. How was I supposed to protect her from the ugliness when she sniffed it out quicker than Scooby-Doo and the gang?

“Mya.”

My stern tone got her attention. Spreading her fingers, she peeked at me through the gap with one eye.

“If you don’t calm down, you’re going to make yourself sick. Are you listening to me?” I waited for her to nod before I continued. “Now, whatever you think is going on with me and Mommy is not important. The only thing you need to be focused on is acing your math and spelling tests today so you can make sure you still get to go with me and your grandparents to Houston this weekend. After that, nothing else matters. Do you understand me?”

She gave me no indication that she heard me until I leaned away from her then she nodded twice.

“Good.” I hugged her tightly then stood and kissed the top of her head. “Finish getting ready. I’m going to go make you some breakfast.”

I followed her out of the room and waited for her to step into her bathroom and close the door behind her before turning left in the hallway and going downstairs to do as I’d said. By the time I was placing a plate of grits, scrambled cheese-eggs, and toast on the island, Ja’mya breezed into the kitchen and hopped up on a barstool.

“Thanks, Daddy,” she managed to say before diving into her food.

I slid onto the stool next to her and dug into my own plate, relishing in the fact that I’d avoided a meltdown this morning. In no way did I think the crisis was permanently averted, but I was confident that I’d bought at least this weekend of reprieve. That was something, at least.

We finished eating and I washed the few dishes we’d used before we climbed into my truck. I dropped Ja’mya off at school with a reminder to focus on her schoolwork, then headed to the office for a conference call between me, Donny, and my mama who was in Dallas. After the conference call, I had a meeting with a couple who I’d been working with to purchase their first home. They had decided on one of the several that I’d taken them to over the past couple of weeks and wanted to put in an offer. I spent the next few hours going back and forth with negotiations with the selling agent before the offer was accepted and I was able to hand my clients their keys.

As they cried and hugged each other—and me—I took pictures for them then we all drove to see the house. As I watched their young children run through the house, claiming which room would be theirs, I couldn’t help but smile on. It was moments like these that brought me joy in my career. Helping a family become homeowners and seeing the unfiltered awe on their children’s faces; that was unmatched. They tried to invite me to dinner to celebrate, and as a thank you but I knew Ja’mya would be pissed if she didn’t get her uninterrupted time with her uncle, so I declined and went to pick up my baby girl from school before heading to parents house.

Hawk was in the living room chopping it up with Pops and DB when we got there. As usual, when it came to my daughter and her grandparents and uncles, all conversation halted when she ran into the room and everyone’s attention fell on her. She jumped right into telling Hawk about her basketball game the previous week, even instructing me to pull up the video that she just knew I had on my phone so that she could give play-by-play commentary of certain moves that she had learned from him. My brother gave her his undivided attention and gave constructive critique’s on what he observed while I caught my Pops up on my earlier victory. Ja’mya only had an hour of one-on-one time with Hawk before family started to pour into the house and she got caught up with talking to her cousins.

After turning down the offer of dinner earlier, I was definitely hungry, so I headed into the kitchen to make me a plate. I loved when my family got together, no matter the reason because they always threw down with the food. The icing on the cake was that they never expected my parents to foot the bill on anything just because of how much money they assumed Hawk had. My baby brother had done more than alright for himself, and I was as proud as I could be. Our parents had raised us with a clear understanding of how money worked, so when Hawk received his first check, a multi-million dollar bonus just for signing with the Clutch, he didn’t go out and do stupid shit like buy cars and jewelry. Instead, under the instruction of Pops and Ma, he handed it over to his newly acquired financial advisor and was given a small percentage to celebrate with. For Hawk, that meant taking the whole family on a week-long vacation to northern Europe.

I finished my food and disposed of my paper plate before making myself a drink with some of the liquor the family had brought. Lisa had gone with us on that trip. We had been together for three years by that time, and she was just like family at that point. I had also proposed to her twice by then, with no knowledge that Ja’mya was conceived while on that trip. Apparently, the powder white snow of the Swiss Alps was an aphrodisiac and the high altitude made us extremely fertile. We’d been through so much, had seen so much together, was it possible that all of our good memories could lead to Lisa leaving me?

Once my drink was gone, I grabbed a beer and headed outside where Ja’mya and her cousins were sitting around the fire pit, eating. Deena had dropped Deon off, and as if the past weekend had never happened, the two girls were joking and laughing like best friends again. Someone inside the house switched on some music and it poured out through the backyard speakers hidden inside of faux boulders dotted around the patio and yard. The music excited the kids, who all suspiciously finished their food at the same time so they could have a dance contest. I was crying laughing at some of the moves these kids were doing. Ja’mya did some mess that looked like a fighting move out of an anime cartoon then reached for the sky and pulled her fist down. The other kids started cheering loudly, and I took that to mean that my baby was winning.

Shit, I was old because I didn’t recognize any of the dances. Deon and Ja’mya launched into a round of choreographed moves that were actually pretty good. I wondered if they had come up with that the day of or before their fight. The music changed from the current tracks to something I recognized and to my surprise, the kids were digging New Edition. The boys started recreating the moves from videos I remember watching growing up and I was impressed and entertained. Whoever was the acting DJ cycled back a few decades and when Johnnie Taylor came on, the kids all booed and decided to go play in the yard. I chuckled and picked up the beer I had set next to my chair while I watched the show.

As I watched my daughter run around with her cousins in the yard, I couldn’t help but think about how Lisa was supposed to be here. Family gatherings

I was so lost in my thoughts that I hadn’t noticed Hawk step outside until he squeezed my shoulder. My mood had soured beyond the desire for company but since this shindig was in his honor, I tried to reel in my melancholy. It worked well enough until Hawk said the last two words I wanted to hear.

“Where’s Lisa?”

It was an honest enough question considering the surroundings but regardless, I snorted and took a mean swig from my beer. “She’s probably with her fiance.” Fuck! I hadn’t meant to say that but it had slipped right out. I hadn’t mentioned my current predicament to either of my parents because I didn’t know what to say and I was still hoping I wouldn’t have to. In fact, I hadn’t said anything to anyone about it. I’d just been holding this shit in with the hopes that it would fix itself. Hawk’s shocked expression contradicted that.

“What the fuck did you say?”

I glanced at him then over at the kids. Ja’mya was clear across the other side of the half-acre yard. I couldn’t risk her hearing this after that conversation we’d had this morning. “You heard what I said.”

Hawk shook his head slowly. His face was the picture of disbelief. “I heard you alright, but I think my hearing might be a little fucked up because it sounded like you said Lisa was with her fiance. I know that can’t be right since she ain’t here with you.”

I snorted again and tilted the bottle of my beer up. It was pointless. The beverage was flat and tasteless against my tongue. “Yeah, well…”

“What did you do?”

I frowned. Why would this fool assume I did anything? “Shit, I didn’t do anything.”

“Nah, that can’t be true. Lisa wouldn’t just leave you after sixteen years for nothing.”

That’s what the fuck I thought. It was nice to know I wasn’t alone in that line of thinking, but all it did was further dig in the knife in my chest. I looked at my baby brother.

“Think again, baby boy. Those were her exact words.” Verbatim. She told me, with a straight face, that she had said yes to someone after telling me no for so long.

His eyebrows furrowed. “Bruh, you lost me.”

I sighed. It still confused the hell out of me. “Lisa wanted to get married.” All of a sudden. And not to me. I wanted to add that last part, but since Hawk never knew that I had proposed to Lisa he wouldn’t understand that part. Hell, knowing what I knew now, I was surprised he hadn’t heard about it, the way my mama ran her mouth. A look of understanding came across Hawk’s face and I panicked for a moment, thinking back to see if I had accidentally let my unspoken words fall out of my mouth. Nah, I was good.

“I’ll be honest with you, man, I thought Lisa was ‘the one’ for you. You were so in love with her…”

“Am not were,” I interjected quickly before clearing my throat. My desire to make that clear almost made me miss my saving grace in that statement. He thought I was referencing the principles Pops had instilled in us and that I was saying that only Lisa wanted to get married. I fought the urge to correct his assumption by saying, “I love her but I don’t know if that makes her ‘the one’.”

And because he wouldn’t be my annoying ass little brother if he didn’t say some silly shit, he did. “Well, if she ain’t the one then what is all the drinking and tears for then?”

With one hand, I bulldozed it into his shoulder and although he almost fell over, he started laughing. I know I had misled him, but I couldn’t help the anger I felt over the situation.

“Fuck you, nigga! I’m not crying and shit. You asked where she was, and I told you.”

He gave a nonchalant shrug but moved over one seat. “You sound pretty heartbroken about it.”

I was, but still…“Nigga…”

“I’m just sharing my observations. But what’s the big deal? If you love her and you can’t stop crying now that she left you then hurry up and marry her before whoever this other nigga is does it first.”

I drank the last of my beer before tossing the empty bottle into a nearby barrel trashcan that was brought out of the shed specifically for this get-together. His idea had merit, but if it was that simple, then we wouldn’t be here in the first place. She would have married me way back when and this conversation wouldn’t even be taking place. Granted, I hadn’t asked her to marry me in years but shit, how many times did I have to put myself out there for her to see I meant it?

“Shit’s not that simple. She met someone and got close enough to him that she thought it was a good idea to accept his proposal.” Without even letting me know she was even in the mood to consider a proposal. That part fucked me up royally. I didn’t even get a chance to shoot my shot before finding out that I had lost the game. I wanted to laugh even though it wasn’t funny. Here I was using basketball references when Hawk was the ball player.

Hawk stroked his goatee, the only bit of hair he could grow on his head. “You know who this dude is?”

Hell no. I wish I did so I could put my foot on his neck for coming for a taken woman. “Nah, and I’m not even going to give Lisa the satisfaction of thinking that I care by asking anything about him.”

He nodded. “I get that. Not only lie to yourself but lie to her too. That’s a solid plan.”

I glared at him. I didn’t need his shit today. It was bad enough that I was in the position I was in.

“Nah, you’re right. Just let whatever happens, happen. When did all of this go down? Last I heard, you and Lisa were thinking of having another baby.”

I shook my head. There was the mama I knew and loved. A week hadn’t even passed since I’d told her about that, and already, Hawk knew. Boy, I tell you.

“We were. Ja’mya is about to be thirteen, and I want a son. Lisa was on board with it until she came back from a weekend trip with her girls. After that, she said she wasn’t going to continue being my ‘forever girlfriend’, whatever that means. I mean, she was more than my girlfriend and she knew it. She was my…” I trailed off. I didn’t know what to call Lisa’s position in my life. She didn’t want to be my wife but that’s what she had been to me. Until she wasn’t.

Hawk watched me rack through the dictionary in my brain before throwing me a line. “Life partner?”

I nodded vigorously, my finger in the air like I was Einstein making a discovery. “Yes! That’s it!”

He chuckled and I knew it was at my expense. “Bruh, you do know that most people who have a life partner do so because they aren’t able to get married? Not because they refuse to.”

I jerked to the side. I was the last person who would do that. “I’m not refusing to get married.” I fumbled over my words while I tried to think of another reason why I wouldn’t be married in this fake scenario. “I’m just being cautious.”

His nod was condescending. He didn’t believe me. “Okay bruh, if you say so.” He stood to leave and we slapped hands but I pulled him in close and looked him in the eye.

“I’m not refusing to get married.” It was imperative that he understood that.

When he laughed and pulled away I knew it didn’t matter what I said, nothing would convince him short of Lisa saying it herself. “Okay, nigga, damn! I believe you.”

He headed back into the house and I ran both of my hands down my face, groaning in frustration.

“You didn’t want to marry Mommy? That’s why she left?”

My head snapped up and I saw Ja’mya standing on the other side of the fire pit. My blood froze in my veins at the devastation on her face. Instead of scolding her for listening to an adult conversation, I immediately went into damage control mode.

“No, baby, that’s not it. Come here.” I waited with baited breath while she stood staring at me for a few beats before coming around the pit and occupying the seat her uncle had just abandoned. She buried her face in my shoulder and I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her tight against me so that I could speak directly into her ear.

“I love your mommy very much and would marry her in a heartbeat. Although I don’t know exactly what is going on, I know with one-hundred percent certainty that, that has nothing to do with it.”

Her small frame shook against me and I cursed Lisa for doing this to us. She took the cowards way out by leaving while Ja’mya was gone and she left me to handle the explosion when our incredibly intelligent daughter figured it out. When Ja’mya looked up at me, her eyes were glassy and red.

“Please just tell me the truth, Daddy. Is she really helping Auntie T with a project?”

I hesitated. “There is a possibility that she is help—”

“Daddy, please!”

I sighed. There was no way around this. I had to tell her something. “I had no knowledge of a project until you mentioned it to me this morning.”

Instantly, her face crumbled and she threw her arms around my neck muffling her sobs with my with my polo shirt.

“So she did leave us!”

I leaned back and lifted Ja’mya’s chin with my finger. I had to correct something immediately. “Let me stop you right there. She left me. She did not, and would never leave you. Do you understand me?”

She shook her head. “But she did leave me. She’s staying with Auntie T while she left you and me at the house. She left me too, Daddy!”

I closed my eyes against the emotion trying to escape them and pulled my daughter back against my chest. What could I say to that?