Chapter Six

Lisa

 

The door to my classroom was thrust open, banging against the wall and startling me and my students. We were only fifteen minutes into the day and I was just going over the day’s lesson plan. When my daughter stood in the opened doorway with a tear-stained face and fury in her eyes, a chorus of “Ooh’s” went up. I told them to calm down and crossed the room to see about my child. I didn’t care how mad she called herself being, she was not going to come act a fool in my classroom. I pulled the door closed and grabbed her upper arm, taking her to the end of the hall and out of earshot.

“Have you lost your mind? Why would you enter my classroom like that?”

Ja’mya narrowed her eyes at me, and I had to pray for the strength of God to keep me from laying hands on her in that hallway. My question had now become rhetorical because it became quite clear that she had, indeed, lost her mind.

“You lied to me!”

Both of my eyebrows launched toward the ceiling. Thankfully, she had the wisdom to keep her voice at a reasonable level, but no matter how quiet she was, her words were about to have her meeting both of my parents in Heaven.

“Excuse you?” I was feeling benevolent and decided to give her an opportunity to fix her mistake.

Apparently, her mind wasn’t all gone. Her accusatory tone became a whine as her face crumpled. “Mommy, you said were just going to Auntie T’s to help her with a project, but that’s not true! You left Daddy and you left me!”

My mouth hung open as I searched for words to say. I had trusted that Jeremiah meant he would wait for me to talk to Ja’mya when he declared that yesterday wasn’t a good day. I assumed the arrival of his brother meant they had other things to worry about than our break up. I guess I was wrong on all accounts. Considering everything, he didn’t owe me the truth, but he had never been a liar before.

Had I caused that to change?

Swallowing hard, I stepped closer to my daughter. “Is that what Daddy told you?” I needed to get a clear understanding of what he had said so I knew how to proceed but Ja’mya shook her head, confusing me.

“He said you didn’t leave us, that you only left him, but that’s not true! You haven’t been home since Monday, Mommy! Please come home! I need you and Daddy needs you. Mommy, please. Daddy loves you so much and if it’s about getting married, he’ll do it! He said he would marry you in a heartbeat when I asked him. You just have to come home and everything will be okay.”

Seeing my child like this gutted me. She was pleading with me to undo the damage I had done but little did she know, she was asking the impossible. If I didn’t hold fast to this breakup, she wouldn’t have a daddy to wipe her tears when she got home. I could see now that I’d handled this wrong. I should have taken Ja’mya with me when I left. I should have explained everything to her—well, explained that I was leaving—from the jump. Instead, I’d attempted to avoid what was looking me right in the face. The truth was, there was no way to wash my hands of Jeremiah without hurting his miniature. She was his twin in every way possible, and whether I left her with him or took her with me, she would be devastated.

I wrapped my arms around her with intentions to pull her in for a hug but she jerked away from me.

“Are you coming home?”

My head felt like lead as I shook it. “No, baby. I—”

Her head dropped in between her shoulders and I could see the tears fall from her face to the floor.

“Mya, baby. No matter what happens between me and your Daddy, I’ll always be here for you. You know that right?”

Instead of a nod, she responded with a shrug. Her face was still toward the ground. I grabbed her hands and bent my knees as I leaned to the side and tried to make eye contact. She turned her face to the wall, preventing me from my goal.

“Ja’mya.”

Finally, she gave me her attention. I cupped her chin and pulled her into my embrace. “I love you, babygirl. Okay?” After a moment, she nodded and I exhaled my relief. “How about you come with me to Auntie T’s after school and I can answer all of your questions then, okay?” I received another nod followed by silence, but I would take it. I hugged her tight and walked her down the hallway to her classroom.

A couple of hours later there was a knock on my door followed by Candice poking her head in the room.

“Ms. Sutton, may I speak to you for a moment?”

I instructed my students to continue reading to the end of the chapter and stepped into the hallway.

“What’s going on?”

Candice grabbed my elbow and led me to the end of the hall, similar to the way I’d pulled Ja’mya only hours earlier.

“That’s what I was going to ask you.”

I frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Ja’mya just went home. Her grandfather picked her up.”

“What?!”

Candice glanced around me to see if any heads were peeking out of their classrooms.

“Yes, ma’am. About fifteen minutes ago. I came straight here after I finished my report. What is going on?”

I shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know. She was relatively fine when I spoke to her this morning.”

Candice’s shrewd eyes bored into me. “Relatively?”

I sigh and massaged my forehead. “Yes. I mean….” I pushed out a heavy breath. I might as well get used to saying it aloud. “I left Jeremiah and Ja’mya is…not taking it well, for lack of a better phrase.”

Candice’s hazel eyes ballooned and she took a step back. “You what?”

“I left him. I broke things off with him and moved out and didn’t tell Ja’mya the truth about it. I think Jeremiah just told her last night, though.”

I could envision Candice’s mind moving a mile a minute as she probably tried to figure out why I hadn’t told her sooner.

“That explains a lot, actually.”

“What does?”

“Karen brought Ja’mya to my office because she was, to quote Karen directly, catatonic. When she got there, she stared into space with a blank expression on her face without saying one word for ten whole minutes until she finally acknowledged me. When I asked her if everything was okay, she burst into tears and didn’t stop crying, not even when her grandfather arrived. He basically had to carry her out of here.”

I gaped at her in horror. “Why didn’t anyone come get me?” I was enraged, my baby had a breakdown and no one thought to inform me? What kind of nonsense was that?

She wrung her fingers as she looked at me. I could already see the sympathy in her eyes. “I asked Ja’mya if she wanted me to call you and she said no.” I started to speak but Candice cut me off. “Her actual words were ‘Don’t call my mommy, I don’t want to see her’.”

My hands flew to my chest over my heart which, even after everything, was still able to break beneath my ribs. My eyes flooded with tears and I tried unsuccessfully to hold back a sob.

“So you called James?”

Candice shook her head. “I called Jeremiah. He said he was in Little Rock, but was headed back immediately, and to let her go with his father who could get here sooner. Since Mr. Hawkins is on the emergency list, we were able to release her to him.”

I hated to ask my next question but I needed to know. “Did you—did he say—”

“I had to tell him what she said, Lisa. I didn’t ask any questions but all he offered was that you guys were having some issues at home. He said that Ja’mya wasn’t taking things too well.”

I cried into my hands. This was my doing. I did this to my family. Candice enveloped me into a tight hug and I was so grateful for her steady strength. She rubbed my back until I got myself under control and stepped back.

“Thanks, Candice, for letting me know what happened. I know it’s well outside of your job description to do so and—”

She held up a hand, shaking her head. “Let me stop you right there. I’m not talking to you right now as your daughter’s counselor. I came to you as your friend. I was concerned for you and came to check on you. None of those platitudes are necessary.”

I nodded and stepped around her to enter the adult restroom where I blew my nose and wiped my face with a damp paper towel. After washing my hands I rejoined Candice in the hallway.

“Are we still on for lunch?”

I shook my head. “Not today. Since my kids have music right after lunch, I’m going to stop by the house and check on my baby.”

Candice nodded. “Okay, keep me posted, okay?”

“Of course.” She squeezed my hand then headed back down the hallway.

I returned to my classroom to find my students surprisingly quiet. Maybe they picked up on my mood because they behaved themselves for the next two hours as well as during the walk down to the cafeteria. After a firm instruction for them to behave themselves, I power-walked through the building and peeled out of the parking lot. My foot was to the floor and the normally fifteen-minute drive only took me eight. Instead of pulling into the garage, I parked alongside Jeremiah’s truck and walked up the path to the front door.

Then, I just stood there. Should I use my key? Should I knock? Ring the doorbell? I had no idea what was proper protocol after walking out on my family. Finally, I knocked on the door and waited. It swung open and Jeremiah stood there looking deliciously rumpled with his brows furrowed. His polo shirt was wrinkled and untucked, and his eyes were obviously tired underneath the confusion.

“Why did you knock on the door?”

I sighed. “It didn’t feel right to walk on in, not after…everything.”

He stepped back, allowing me room to enter, and closed the door behind me. “This is your house too, man. Your name is on the deed, right beside mine. If you want to use your key to come check on our daughter or even to come tell me that you changed your mind, you can do that.”

I inhaled sharply. All I wanted to do was tell him that I didn’t mean a word of what I’d said. That I wanted to come home and forget the whole thing even happened. But that wasn’t going to happen and I told him as much. I had to avert my eyes from his when they clouded with pain.

“She’s upstairs?”

“Yeah.” His voice sounded so hollow compared to a minute ago. “But she’s asleep. Pops gave her a hot toddy when he brought her home.”

“He drugged my baby?!”

The corners of his mouth curved up at my fake outrage and I felt my blood heat at the sight of his thick lips stretched into a grin. “You know that’s the deacon’s go-to for everything.”

I smiled briefly. But only briefly because I shouldn’t have been there smiling and giggling with him and the reason I was there, wasn’t a good one. “Let me go check on her.”

He nodded. “Alright. I’ll be in the living room.” He walked off and I headed upstairs.

The door to Ja’mya’s room was open and the room was dark and empty. Looking into the other three bedrooms, I found her in the master bedroom, curled into a ball on my side of the bed. The skin around her eyes was puffy and I could see dried puddles of tears on my pillow. Her hands were flattened under her cheek and her mouth hung open slightly as she snored. My baby was knocked out and had apparently cried herself to sleep. My throat burned with tears. It hadn’t even been a week. How would I be able to keep this up and how would I know when it was okay to reclaim my family?

Knowing that I wouldn’t find my answer while staring at her sleeping form, I ran a hand over my daughter’s hair and pressed a kiss to her forehead. Downstairs, I entered the living room to find Jeremiah hunched over his laptop, so focused on the screen that he didn’t notice me across the room. I had purposefully avoided seeing him in person since his appearance at the school on Tuesday because just the sight of him weakened me. My greedy eyes devoured his lean frame in the business casual attire he wore, and all I wanted to do was climb onto the couch and straddle his thighs as I apologized with my body. Unbidden, a whimper escaped my lips and the sound caught Jeremiah’s attention. He looked up from his computer.

“You okay?”

Not at all. “Yeah.” I cleared my throat and leaned against the back of the chair. “What happened?”

Jeremiah moved his computer from his lap to the coffee table and scooted to the edge of the seat cushion. “I was going to ask you the same thing. When I dropped her off at school this morning, everything was fine, so something must have happened at school.”

The guilt churning in my belly warred with the indignation I felt at the accusation hidden in his words. I gripped the couch and I fixed my unwavering gaze on his.

“Ja’mya stormed her little self to my classroom, causing a disturbance and, surely, rumors because of a conversation she had with her father.” I noticed a tick appear in his jaw as he tightened it, more than likely in an attempt to hold his tongue. “A conversation that you told me needed to wait. It’s ironic that you apparently talked to her right after telling me not to.”

He shook his head. “That’s not what happened. I had no intentions of having that conversation with her, as I told you. However, our child is nosy—like her mama—and happened upon a conversation taking place between two adults where she proceeded to misunderstand what she heard and had to be corrected.”

I opened my mouth to rebut his jab but he stood up and continued talking.

“Now, I’m not going to argue with you about it and outside of telling you exactly what I said to her, I have nothing else to say on the matter. If you want to be mad that she’s angry with you, you’ll have to take that up with someone else because I’m not the one who told her you hadn’t been home because you were helping Trisha with a project. I didn’t make any disparaging comments about you, even though you were lying to her, one: because I would never do some juvenile bullshit like that, and two: because it would be counter-productive to my end goal.” As he spoke, he stalked over to me until we were only separated by the couch. Head tilted back, I watched his lips part. “How would I get you to come back to me if I was talking shit about you to our daughter? And I will get you back. I told you we weren’t over and I meant that. Whatever you have going on that made you leave, you might as well reconcile that shit because your time to be mad is up.”

His words stung; first, because they turned me on something fierce, and second because my desire to believe in them was so intense. Jeremiah had never been one to wait for things to happen. If I gave him the slightest indication that we had a chance to reconnect, he would attack me with everything he had. That was one of the millions of things I loved about the man that stood in front of me. I dropped my eyes to my hands and shook my head. I shouldn’t still be here. After I checked on my baby, I should have left without saying a word. Standing here conversing with him like this was dangerous. I was a few words from falling to my knees in front of him, and an afternoon delight wouldn’t help me leave him, even if it was urgent. I backed away from the couch.

“I’m leaving, J.”

His eyes widened. “Damn, again?”

I winced. “I have to get back to work. I’m on my lunch break and I only came to see how Ja’mya was doing. Besides, I need to go have a conversation with Karen and find out why she didn’t come down the hall and let me know something was wrong with Ja’mya.” I was pissed about that. Ja’mya’s homeroom is only three doors down from mine in the fifth-grade hallway, yet her teacher, Karen, decided I didn’t need to know what was going on with my own child. I had some words for her.

“Baby, please—” He walked around the couch, approaching me cautiously with pleading eyes. I took another step back and held up a hand.

“Don’t, J.”

His forward momentum halted immediately and I had to turn my head so that I wouldn’t see the pain I had, once again, caused to darken his brow. Without saying another word, he nodded.

I grabbed my purse and keys and turned to the front door. Just before turning the knob, I hesitated then turned to face Jeremiah.

“Would you—I’d like for Ja’mya to spend the weekend with me. Will you bring her over, or do I need to come pick her up?”

“Oh.” He looked both surprised and disappointed by my question. “We’ll be in Houston this weekend. It’s All-Star weekend and we are going to support Hawk, remember?

I snapped my fingers. “That’s right.” With everything going on, I had completely forgotten about that. Jeremiah and Ja’mya had been planning this trip for months, even before the players were announced. With her turning thirteen this year, Jeremiah and I had agreed that she was old enough to go. It was an event that Jeremiah had attended every year that his brother played and the last couple of years, I had accompanied him. This year, Trisha was participating in a half marathon on the same day, and I had signed on as her one-woman support system. “Okay, well…I’ll just see her at school on Monday.”

“Uh…not quite. We’re staying down there until Wednesday.”

“What?! Why?”

“The livestock show and rodeo are starting, and Pops wants to catch a couple of the private events happening. Hawk got him tickets to some barbecue cook-off and a whiskey tasting.”

I couldn’t stop my eye-roll if I had wanted to. He couldn’t have been too broken up about me if he was getting hype behind some dang barbecue. “Seriously, Jeremiah? You’re going to make her miss school so you and your father can go to the rodeo?”

“See, you’re only saying it like that because you wish you could go.” His voice was light and teasing.

I frowned. “I have no desire to do anything like that.” I had apparently done an excellent job of infusing disgust into my voice because the small smile on Jeremiah’s face melted away and he straightened.

“I miss you so much, Lee. Don’t you miss me?”

I hesitated, the word “No” halfway out of my throat, the lie sticking to my tongue, unwilling to be said. And he saw that. Like I said, all he needed was the slightest indication and I unwittingly gave it to him. He moved so quickly; I blinked and he was right in front of me, framing my face with his hands as his lips descended upon mine. My heart begged me to lean into him, to allow him to put me out of my misery and let him love on me. I almost listened, my eyes started to close and I could feel his breath on my lips when my mind snapped me back to reality. I brought my hands up in between us and shoved him back.

“I said don’t, J!”

His groan was that of a wounded animal, filled with pain and frustration. He linked his hands behind his head as he paced back and forth behind the couch. “Come the fuck on! Why are you doing this?! What are you punishing me for?!”

“I’m not! I told you, this isn’t about you; it’s about me and what I want.”

He stopped pacing and turned to face me, his chestnut eyes blazing with fury. “You’re not being honest with me, Lisa!” He stared at me for a moment, his eyes searching my own. “Did something happen? Do you think something happened?”

I tried to mask my sigh of relief with an annoyed huff. I could have sworn he was about to ask me if something had happened in Houston. The universe was on my side at the moment and I needed to skedaddle before I tempted fate even further. I stepped backward until my foot hit the front door. Reaching behind me to grip the doorknob, I stepped to the side and pulled it open before walking out.

Jeremiah followed me outside but stopped at the edge of the porch. “You’re not gon’ say anything? You’re just gon’ leave like this?”

“There’s nothing left to say, you should have listened to me the first time!” I didn’t even break my stride to my car. Within minutes, I was inside and backing out of the driveway, my tires nearly screeching as I stomped the pedal to the floor and sped back to work.

♥♥♥♥

“Do you think I’m doing the right thing?” I looked over at Trisha who was stretched out on the ground next to me with her face currently pressed to her right knee. We were amongst hundreds of other people occupying the field at the university stadium to get in some final stretches before the start of the marathon at eight.

Trisha rolled her spine in one smooth motion until she was sitting up. She gave me a blank look. “Does it even matter what I think?”

Affronted, I gasped. “Of course it does! That’s why I asked you!”

She rolled her eyes and folded her right leg to her side while straightening the left out in front of her. I mirrored her movements. Although I wasn’t running, part of my support was training alongside my friend in solidarity.

“You asked me because you want reassurance.”

I twisted my lips. “That too…”

I grunted. My nose was about a foot above my knee and I felt the stretch in my hamstrings and in my back. I might have trained with her, but I definitely wasn’t as dedicated, and it showed.

“I was right there with you, Lee. I heard what she told you. You’re doing what she instructed. Insisted, really.”

I sat upright and looked down at my friend. “But is it the right thing?”

Ten seconds passed before Trisha rolled upward. As she moved into her next stretch, she gave me a sympathetic smile. “I can’t tell you that, boo.”

Frowning, I twisted one arm across my chest and turned my head in the opposite direction, just as she was doing. “What happened to all of that ‘Jesus is my homeboy’ stuff,” I muttered.

Her chuckle sounded effortless and not at all strained like my words had been. “Nothing happened to it. It’s still true and I still took my reading to heart.”

My head snapped in her direction so quickly, I knocked my chin on my shoulder. After wiggling my jaw back and forth a few times, I spoke.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m saying that I believed what Mama Sari said to me and I’m altering my path to avoid ending up a gnarled, sexless, spinster.”

I sputtered with laughter. “Girl! You are not going to end up a gnarled, sexless, spinster. That’s crazy!”

Trisha inhaled deeply and exhaled as she released her pose. “I will if I continue to live in the closet.”

My frown returned. “You are not living in the closet.”

Her words hit me right in the gut. Many times over the years, I had been witness to Trisha bemoaning her ability to live as freely as she wanted. Even after the ruling on same-sex marriage was passed, most people didn’t magically become more accepting, and Trisha didn’t alter her life in any way because of it. Honestly, though, I didn’t see what she would have done differently. As long as I’d known her, she’d been a low-key and private person. Mostly, I just didn’t like the phrase “in the closet”. It made me think of hiding, and since Tisha was the most fearless person I knew, I didn’t like to associate that phrase with her.

“Lisa, I appreciate that you think that, but let’s just agree that I would know whether or not I am, and leave it at that, okay? I have an actual soul mate. An honest-to-God, real, live woman out there who is meant for me. If I continue with how I’ve been living, I’ll miss out on experiencing the joy that she brings, and I can’t let that happen. After everything I’ve been through, I deserve to have her. I deserve to be loved.”

“Of course, you do! I agree wholeheartedly; I’m just saying, all good things happen in their due time.”

A beat of silence passed before Trisha stood, dropping her hands to her hips and fixing me with a hard look. “You know, Lisa, you call yourself a progressive—a liberal—but sometimes I wonder if you aren’t a secret homophobe.”

Shocked, I scrambled to my feet. “I can’t believe you would say that! I’ve supported you from the moment you told me you were gay!”

“Right. Yet every single time I bring up the topic of me finding love, you curb me with talk of ‘Let things happen the way they should’ and ‘Everything happens for a reason’. I can’t help but feel like the idea of me being in an actual romantic relationship with another woman just might make you uncomfortable.”

My mouth hung open as I gaped at her. “That’s—that’s not true!”

She raised her eyebrows. “Which part isn’t true? The words I clearly remember leaving your mouth, or the feelings they invoked?”

She had me. I, too, remember saying those words but my intent was not as she was painting it and it would be ridiculous for me to try and dispute her feelings since that was impossible.

“I want you to find love, Tee, I just don’t want you to force it and end up heartbroken.”

A crass snort sounded and her top lip curled. “I’d say that’s a pretty irrational concern. I don’t have women knocking down my door, trying to get a piece of this ass. As a matter of fact, if I want any type of intimacy, I have to drive all the way to Little Rock, just so that I won’t run into a close-minded church mother while trying to mack. So tell me, Lisa, what exactly am I forcing?”

As I stood there silently, the both of us knew there was nothing for me to say. The blinds had been lifted on our friendship and things on my end had begun to look a little ugly in the light. I knew in my heart that I wasn’t homophobic, but in my desire to keep my friend from being hurt, that was exactly how I had come across.

Oh.

But…wasn’t my automatic assumption that she would end up hurt, a problem in itself? I mean, it wasn’t like I thought that she would have a hard enough time trying to find someone in a place that had more churches than restaurants, so she shouldn’t try at all…did I?

Someone spoke into a bullhorn, announcing a five-minute countdown to the start of the marathon. All participating runners were instructed to make their way to the starting line. Trisha sighed.

“Look. I apologize if what I said is hard for you to accept.”

I tilted my head. Trisha had always had a way with words and today was no excuse. “But you don’t apologize for saying it?”

She rolled her shoulders back and shook her head. “Not at all, it needed to be said. If you are too offended to stay because of it, then, I’ll accept that.”

I narrowed my eyes at her. “I’m here because I said that I would support you. I meant that and whether you believe it or not, it’s true. I’m staying here and cheering you until the end.”

“I appreciate that.” She hugged me quickly and whispered, “Thank you.” Then she walked away, following behind the other runners.

The next four hours saw me cheer outwardly for Trisha as I drove around the city and posted up at the different mile markers, while inwardly reexamining many conversations we’d had over the years. Apparently, one of my favorite phrases to recite at Trisha rang true for me as well. Everything truly did happen for a reason. If we hadn’t received those readings, who knows if she and I would have had this conversation, but now that we had, I realized that I had things I needed to work on in other parts of my life. My unintentional missteps with Trisha were at the forefront of my mind, but now I considered whether or not, and where, I had gone wrong with Candice, and Deena as well. Was I actually a crappy friend?

Although Deena and I hadn’t been particularly close growing up, when she relocated up here from the southwest Houston suburb that we were from—in an attempt to lock down Dion’s father—I had welcomed her with open arms. Or so I thought. And because Candice never said anything about her desire for a partner, I made assumptions about her orientation, instead of just asking questions the way a person who claimed to be a friend would do.

While I had been wrapped up in my love cocoon, cushioned by Jeremiah and Ja’mya, had I unknowingly been ignoring the plights of my tribe? Or worse, had I unconsciously looked down on them as they tried to master their own chrysalis?

We didn’t revisit the conversation over the next few days, choosing to leave things where they lay. It was a blessing and a curse. On one hand, it pulled my mind from the pit of despair of having to leave my family—a reprieve that I was immensely grateful for—but on the other hand, it made me question my morals and the way I thought about things.

By Friday, I was emotionally spent. Ja’mya was back in school on Thursday and seemed to be back to her normal self, but when I attempted to talk to her, her only response was to ask me if I was coming home. It killed me to let her down, but I had no choice but to tell her no. In response, she shut down on me and refused to acknowledge anything else I had to say. It was both infuriating and depressing. Trisha took pity on me and dragged me across town for dinner where she spent the hour and a half filling—what otherwise would have been silence—with information about some group she’d joined online. It was created for—and by—like-minded women who just wanted a safe space to talk and connect. Trisha had apparently made a few connections, even being invited by a woman named Mel to an upcoming festival in a city a couple of hours north of Houston.

I listened intently and commented appropriately, but even though I tried my hardest to be engaged, Trisha could tell that my heart wasn’t in it. I felt awful about it, and it didn’t help with my image as a caring, thoughtful, friend, but no matter what, Ja’mya’s blank expression was what kept running through my mind. We left the restaurant and drove to the nearest gas station. Trisha had driven her car, but I offered to pay for the gas since she had covered dinner. As I came out of the station, I came face to face with Jeremiah.

“Lisa.”

My heart leaped at the sight of him and an unbidden smile crept to my face. He was dressed casually in a white, long-sleeved, henley shirt and blue jeans. With dark brown boots on his feet and a fitted cap on his head, he looked entirely too fine to be anywhere but in the bed, underneath me. The quickening of my blood and subtle moistening at the juncture of my thighs reminded me of all of the time that had passed since he was last between them. The smile disappeared from my face. My thoughts were heading into the danger zone. To distract myself from my obvious staring, I glanced behind him and saw his truck at the pump next to Trisha’s; the nozzle was already in the tank.

“Hey, J.” I moved to walk around him and was surprised when he moved to the side to let me by instead of blocking me in and trying to talk. Did that mean he was getting over me already? My brief moment of joy at seeing him dissipated with that thought. I felt his eyes on me as I hustled past him.

“You’re looking good, Lee.”

Instead of responding, I nodded quickly and made my way to Trisha who was standing at the pump.

“You’re good to go, T.”

She lifted the nozzle and inserted it into the tank, then turned to face me.

“Did you see J?”

I nodded. “Mmhmm.”

“Did he speak to you?”

I pursed my lips. “You know he did.”

She quirked an eyebrow. “What did you say?”

“What do you mean ‘What did I say’?! What could I have said, Trisha? Please be so kind as to give me my options here!”

Trisha’s eyes narrowed and I could see her run her tongue over her teeth, something she did when she was trying to calm herself down. I could almost hear her count down from ten as she stared me in my face. When she spoke, her voice was deceptively calm.

“Lisa, I know you’re unhappy with your current situation, but let’s make this the last time you yell at me behind this shit. I’m not at fault here, and you won’t take your frustration out on me as if I am. Okay?”

“Tris—”

“Lisa?”

I sucked in a breath and released it slowly. If only I had some way to recreate that intense, all-encompassing calm from that day in that candy shop back in Houston. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to place any blame or fault at your feet and I swear it’s not my intention to take my frustrations out on you. You don’t de—you don’t deserve…” I trailed off as her eyes shifted to something to my left, it occurred to me immediately that Jeremiah must have been standing there.

I spun to face him, a protest already forming on my lips. It died the moment I saw the look in his eyes. At the door of the station, I had avoided observing him too closely, but standing at such an intimate distance didn’t allow me that luxury. I could clearly see the dark circles around his eyes and the redness that surrounded the chestnut brown. It all screamed of his exhaustion. I wanted to fuss at him about not getting enough sleep; no matter the situation, he should be taking better care of himself. None of that could come out of my mouth, though. Those were the thoughts of a woman who cared, and I couldn’t really say that I had “turned my back” on him if I was concerned about how much sleep he got at night. All I could do was release a defeated sigh.

“What do you want, J?”

He pushed the bill of his cap up some then shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “I just want a few minutes of your time, Lee. That’s not too much to ask, is it?”

I kept my expression blank while internally I pulled at the roots of my hair and screamed in indignation. Of course, it was too much to ask! Every moment I spent with him made me want to crawl into his arms and never let him go again. To make matters worse, not once had Jeremiah picked a fight with me. After the way I had left him abruptly, I would expect any man to take that hurt and anger and use it to fuel their rage, but not my J. All he did was beg me to come back, and as much as I loved him for it, it wasn’t helping me to stay away from him.

“Just say what you need to say so that I can go home.”

His jaw ticked. “To Trisha’s.”

I squinted, confused. “What?”

I watched as his Adam’s apple bobbed. “You want me to hurry up, so you can go to Trisha’s.”

I nodded slowly. “That’s what I said.”

“Nah, you said you want to go home, but that isn’t where you’re going. Your home is at 11 Poplar Grove, but Trisha lives on Pine street. So, are you coming home, or are you going to Trisha’s?”

I swallowed thickly. “I’m going to Trisha’s.” My words came out on a whisper. I hadn’t even realized what I had said, but he was right. Trisha’s rental wasn’t my home, nor did it feel like it.

Jeremiah nodded, seemingly satisfied with my answer. “Lisa, I love you.”

Oh no, we weren’t doing this tonight, not here. I started to interrupt him. “Jer—”

“Come on, man. Let me finish. You haven’t given me time to talk to you and that shit ain’t right. Just…just let me say this, and if you still want to leave me afterward, I won’t stop you. Okay?”

His declaration made me nervous but I didn’t hesitate to nod. He continued.

“I’ve loved you since I was twenty-one years old, and the only way my love for you has changed since then is those feelings have become deeper, more mature.” He stepped closer to me and pulled his hands out of his pockets, grabbing my hand with his right while leaving his left balled into a fist. “We may not be married, but I’m a firm believer in not letting all of the time we’ve put in go to waste. When people have been together as long as we have, they can’t just give up at the first sign of trouble. They have to figure out the root of the issues and work through them to get to the other side. No one said building a life together would be easy, but they did say it would be worth it.

What I’m saying, Lisa, is that we never sat down and discussed what the root of our issues is. One day, everything seemed like it was fine, and the next day, you were leaving. It happened so fast; I was so caught off guard that we didn’t get to talk. All you told me was that you met someone and accepted their proposal. I can admit that swung me for a loop, but now that I’ve had time to really think about it, I can see that the problem is that your desires changed but you didn’t feel comfortable letting me know. For that, I apologize. I’m sorry that I made you feel like you couldn’t come to me with that, but I’m telling you right now, with Trisha as my witness, that that is in the past.

I don’t know who this new dude is, and I don’t want to know; he doesn’t matter. What I’ll tell you is that he could never love you half as much as I do, and there is no way I can stand by and let you give your hand and your heart to some random ass dude when I’ve wanted to make you my wife since I first laid eyes on you.”

He released my hand, took a step back, and lowered to one knee. When he opened his left hand and presented a velvet ring box to me, the emotions I’d just barely been able to hold on to, came spilling out of my eyes. Jeremiah peered up at me with an open expression and I saw all of the love I’d become some comfortable with staring me in the face. I brought my hands up to my mouth to catch and muffle my cries.

“Marry me, Lisa. Become, legally, what I’ve always felt you were in my heart. Be my wife and take my name.”

Full on sobs began to choke me, and all I could do was shake my head. How in the world was this my life? The man I loved more than life itself was on his knees proposing to me but I had to say no or he would die soon. And of course, I couldn’t tell him any of it, because if he knew why I’d left him, that I didn’t truly want to, then he never would have let me leave the house.

“Lisa?” Confusion rang loudly as my name fell from his lips. Body-wrecking sobs surely weren’t the expected response to a marriage proposal.

“No!” I cried. “I don’t want to marry you! Please, just leave me alone!” I stood there, boo-hooing into my hands while Jeremiah physically shrunk in front of me. His shoulders dropped, his face fell, and the light in his eyes died. I’m sure he was only moments from joining me in tears, and if I had to watch him cry at my rejection, I might perish where I stood.

“Please, J. Just—just go.”

I felt Trisha’s arms wrap around my shoulders. She pulled me backward and pushed me into the open door on the passenger side of the car. When she closed the door, I watched as her lips formed the words “I’m sorry” as she turned away from me to face Jeremiah. In seconds, she was behind the wheel and speeding away from the gas station where I could see through my side mirror that Jeremiah was still on his knees next to his truck before my eyes blurred with a fresh round of tears.

To think, I had believed that the day I walked out on Jeremiah was the worst day of my life. I had no idea a whole new level of hell would lie in wait for me.