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457 sunrises and sunsets, all of which Abby saw only through the glass of her windows. 65 Friday’s her mom went to her apartment to take her food and other essentials. 32 video calls with her psychologist. 5 missed appointments with her Rheumatologist. All because of one thing and one thing only, the pandemic. She called it quarantine but deep down she knew it was Agoraphobia, the thing that had not so long ago stolen her life. But that with hard work she was able to overcome yet once again like a thief in the night, it had returned. She beat it once, surely she could do it twice. It was what she at least kept telling herself.
All she needed was a couple of things to protect her. The first of those being the most essential, a face mask. Not just any as not all masks were created equal but a KN95. They were the ones proven to be most effective against viruses. Covering her nose and mouth was however not enough, there were still her eyes that needed to be protected after all. For that she wore goggles and a face shield. But her face was not the only body part that needed protection, her hands which would need to touch things, they too were exposed to all those nasty little germs. It was why she put on latex gloves. With her light blue long sleeve shirt and pants that looked like scrubs, it wouldn’t be surprising if someone confused her for a surgeon.
Going out her apartment’s door all Abby had to hold onto was a small black leather bag which had all of her bottles of pills. She had heard of emotional support animals and oh how she wished she had one at that moment, a small brown poodle to cuddle with. She was more of a cat person but the bad thing about them was that you couldn’t really hug them, not like you could a dog. It was sad to think that her only comfort was an inanimate object but as it helped calm her somewhat, she was thankful for it nonetheless. At the news that she was going out that day, her mom had offered to be that comfort for her. But having already been enough of a bother to her 63 year old mother for the last 15 months, she refused. She was determined to go to that clinic all on her own.
Down the hall and around a corner were the flight of stairs. The elevators were under maintenance and it meant not only having to go down a flight of stairs but 5 of them as she lived on the 6th floor. Each step she took down came accompanied by a hard thump in her chest. And the closer she got to the lobby, the heavier her footsteps felt. It was as if two anchors were trying to hold her down and keep her from going any further. Even though she was barely 47kg, it felt as if she were dragging around a body at least twice as heavy. But once she saw she had taken the last step, she was able to catch her breath. She had done it, the first few steps to getting her life back. The corner of her lips had barely started to turn up when she realized that wasn’t all. There was still more to do, much more.
What came next was riding a taxi. Knowing she would have to ride a car that many others used made her heart start to race. It was as if it was trying to leap out and flee from her. She too wanted to flee, to go back inside her apartment, her safe place. But instead of fleeing, she started to pace. She was already in front of the big glass doors and she could already see the outside, “the real world”. It was only a few feet away from her. Looking around the lobby she saw how big it was but knew that outside was much bigger and that meant more dangers. All she could think about at that moment were the worst case scenarios, everything that could go wrong.
“Everything is going to be okay. Just breathe. Nothing bad is going to happen.” Did she believe what she muttered to herself? She didn’t but she had to at least try to fool herself. Dozens of eyes were already on her. Some of them whispered amongst themselves while they stared at her. They must have thought she had gone insane. She couldn’t blame them though. All people ever saw was the outside and could never really tell what was going on inside, all the turmoil.
Should she open the door with some of her tissues? Or should she wait until someone else did? They were two questions she pondered as she stared at the overused curved metal door handles. The tissues she had in her bag were her last, she tended to overuse them even when not completely necessary. In the end it wasn’t really all that hard of a choice. At least in a big apartment complex as the one she lived in there were chances of people opening the doors but no one would open a taxi door for her. It was why she decided to wait. Only a few minutes passed when a young mother carrying a crying toddler walked out. Taking the opportunity, Abby raced out the door before it closed on her.
The hot air hit her like a slap on the face. The last time she was out the air hadn’t been as hot but that was only because it was Winter then. As the weather was more warm than cold now, her clothes only made her stand out more as everyone outside wore shorts and short sleeve shirts. There was no one else that looked like her and not only because of her attire but also because she was a foreigner. It helped that she knew the language but she was still technically illegal there.
“You in my way. Move. Aish. You no speak English?”
She had been too awestruck by the big poster across the street to notice the tall high school boy that stood in front of her. It wasn’t until he let out a spit on the ground by her feet that she was startled and winced.
“Mianhae.” She apologized in Korean and bowed. She was pretty sure it wasn’t common for someone older to bow to someone younger but she wanted the boy to know that she at least knew their customs.
In a trance she walked over to where the poster was. On it was her favorite Kpop group, Adam. And in the middle of the eight members was her bias and bias wrecker. Of course they would be the ones in the center, they were too gorgeous not to be. Cain with his long legs, heart shaped face and plump lips looked like a Korean Ken doll if there ever was one. Abel with his sharp jawline and freckles was shorter but still a visual in his own right. What caught her attention most was however their new hair colors, Cain with long blonde hair that reached his shoulders and Abel with bright red hair. Just seeing the two made her forget all about her surroundings.
“Ahh. I saw you standing outside and thought perhaps you wanted to buy something but I see now, you were looking at the poster. Are you a fan of them?” An ajumma with a broom in hand looked up at her. Despite Abby only being 5’4, the woman was even shorter.
“Yes, mam. I’ve been their fan since predebut.”
“My daughter runs a fansite for them. I forgot for which member but I think it was one of the dancers. You should have seen how excited she was when we received the poster. She even told all her friends about it and ever since then they’ve all been coming to buy the sodas these boys are advertising.”
Strawberry, raspberry, watermelon, cherry, grape, orange, lime, root beer. In the poster each member of Adam held a different flavor soda in their hand.
“Lime and strawberry...Do you still have those flavors? I would like to buy some.” It was really smart of the advertisers to use popular idols as Abby who never even drank anything with caffeine was tempted to buy the drinks. With Cain holding the lime and Abel holding the strawberry, she just couldn’t resist.
“Oh. The most popular flavors. Those are actually the ones that sell out first but my daughter keeps a stash of them so I’ll just sell you some from there. She really shouldn’t be drinking as much soda anyhow.”
With both sodas in hand, Abby continued to walk further. She really didn’t want to take a taxi but it was inevitable as the clinic was too far to walk all the way. The heat also made it worse as she had already started to sweat. She wasn’t sure if it was because of her anxiety or the weather but at least the ice frozen soda cans helped cool her. With one of the cans at the back of her neck and the other in her waving outstretched hand, she had a taxi stop at the curbside.
To be able to open the door she had to place both sodas on top of the taxi’s roof. She planned to wipe the cans with disinfectant wipes afterwards but what she first needed were tissues. With a bunch in hand, she reached out for the door’s handle but then flinched at the strong smell of cigarettes. Either the driver was a smoker or had a recent passenger that was but seeing the yellowing teeth on the 40 something year old balding man, she wouldn’t doubt it was him. As it wasn’t already bad enough, looking at the time in her watch she saw she was running late. There was no time for her to wait for another taxi and that left her with no other choice but to put up with the smell. She only hoped her disinfectant wipes which were scented would at least mask some of it.
“What’s the hold up? Just so you know I already have the meter running.” The driver turned his head back to look at her while he tapped his fingers on the steering wheel.
No matter how late it was, there was just no way she would get in without disinfecting first. “Well as the meter is running I see no problem with me taking my time.” She didn’t want to be rude but she also wasn’t in the mood to put up with an irritated person when she herself was already irritated.
“So long as you pay down to the last Won.” The man let out a sigh and turned on the radio to an oldies station.
She nodded and with one last wipe, took her seat.
Lowering the window not only helped Abby with the smell but it also helped her get some of the fresh air she desperately needed. The feeling of needing air was something she often experienced but actually facing her fears only made that feeling stronger. And then there was the traffic which partly contributed to her shortness of breath. She should have known a traffic jam was unavoidable considering how Seoul was a city with busy people. It was no surprise Koreans had an expression such as “palli palli”, which translated to “hurry hurry” or “faster faster”.
Standing in front of the small brick building that was the clinic, she started to dig in both her bag and pant pockets while blowing out a series of short breaths. The doors to the clinic weren’t the automatic sliding ones they had at her Rheumatologist’s. Such a thing wouldn’t have been a problem if she still had tissues or even disinfectant wipes but she had used them all on the taxi. So much for being prepared.
One look around and her hands went limp, there was no one there that could open the door for her. She was the only one outside the brick building despite the many cars in the parking lot. There was nothing she could do but stare at the two handles, as if just by staring the glass doors would magically open. She had gloves but they were thin and she would still be able to feel the metal. Just the thought of feeling such a dirty thing made her shiver. Even the doorknobs at her own apartment had that effect on her despite her being the only one to ever touch them. It was why she always used gloves and a bunch of tissues, it was the only way she would dare open a door.
She looked around yet again but this time for something, anything that could help her open the door. But only bushes and a couple of flowers surrounded the entrance, none of which she could use. With slumped shoulders and dragging feet, she walked further to the side of the building and it was there that she saw a tree. She contemplated it a few moments and after taking in a deep breath and releasing it, she walked towards the tall tree. Being a part of nature it had to be clean, at least cleaner than most things outside.
On her tiptoes Abby was able to see the perfect twig but it was high up. She had been good at climbing trees as a child, at 28 she doubted she still had the skills. But as the twig was the only way for her to get inside and get her vaccination, she decided to do it. She had an advantage, her white sneakers but she also had a disadvantage, the latex gloves. With them her grip wouldn’t be as good but without them she wouldn’t even dare do such a thing.
It took her some time to find the perfect spot but once she did she took a hold of the tree. First was her right foot. After she felt steadied enough, she brought her left foot up. She continued the pattern until her fingertips touched the twig but touching it was not enough, she had to grasp it too.
With what must have been her hundredth deep breath that day, she pulled herself to grab a hold of the twig but the strength it took to do so had been so great she hadn't noticed only one of her hands held onto the tree. Or that the glove she was wearing on that hand had ripped. She however felt as something liquid ran down her palm, it was blood. The tree had cut her. At the sight of the injury, Abby let out a scream and fainted. When she opened her eyes she saw someone on top that looked just like her. "Who are you?”
