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Feeling shaky and out of breath, Abby could tell she was starting to have another panic attack. Calling her mom usually helped her in such situations but that was something she could no longer do as her voice wasn’t the same. Instead she did the next best thing and hugged her body pillow as hard as she could while crying. She had locked herself in her room instead of going to her office to work but her job was the last thing on her mind at that moment.
She wished it were also possible to lock herself out from the situation she was now in but as that wasn’t possible, facing her new reality was her only choice. She would have to do it eventually either way and it was better to do it sooner rather than later. Two weeks was all they had after all. That meant she only had two weeks to try and work on her issues. Realizing this made her want to talk to her psychologist but that was another thing she could no longer do, at least not through a phone call or video chat.
The good thing about her psychologist was that she could be contacted easily not only by phone or video but also through email. She had never done so before but as it was the only way, she took out her phone and started to compose the email. Something she had to do was ask about the therapy she had previously refused for her Germaphobia.
***Hello Dr. Bae, I’m emailing you today due to a sudden situation that I’m in. It’s something I never thought would happen so it was unexpected but it cannot be avoided and I would like some advice. The thing is that I’m now living with someone and in two weeks I might have to live with seven other people. These things alone have caused me great distress and even panic. But I’ve come to realize that working on my OCD is something that I’ll have to do. I don’t however feel like I’m completely ready to take such a step but I would like to at least attempt to make some changes if only just a few as I believe it could end up helping me immensely. Please do let me know more about the therapy you’ve mentioned to me before...the one I rejected to do.
~ Hoping to hear from you soon, Abby H.***
It didn’t take long for her psychologist to reply back. She only got around to watching a few music videos when she received the email notification.
***Hello Abby. It’s nice to hear that you would like to attempt such a thing. Just that alone is already a big step and I congratulate you for that. As we often find ourselves in all kinds of situations, it’s always best to be prepared for them. But as such a thing is not always possible, just being willing to somehow deal with such things is also good. It’s like the saying goes, “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” And I believe the situation you are in now fits this saying perfectly.
Living with other people may seem like a terrible thing and I understand that but at the same time you have to take advantage of the situation and make the best of it. Because truly such a setting is the most perfect for you to be able to work on your OCD. I know it will be hard but just remember that things will get better if you keep working on them. You already progressed so much with your Agoraphobia in the past that I’m sure you’ll be able to do the same with your Germaphobia.
Therapy for both things are actually very similar as all you have to do is expose yourself to those fears. And the best way to do that is to do it gradually. Don’t force yourself by going all out, I neither ask that of you or expect it. Just like with your Agoraphobia, you’ll have to take things one step at a time. Slow and steady wins the race after all.
As for advice, I would recommend letting those around you do the cleaning instead of doing it yourself. Of course you don’t have to let them do ALL the cleaning but as much as you can would be best. The most important thing is that you’ll let them clean as they normally would without interfering and trying to clean again right after them. I know you’ll get the urge to do so but try to hold back as much as you can and don’t give into that urge if possible.
Another thing, stay dirty longer! You don’t have to wash your hands as often or take as many showers! So try to go as long as you can without doing such things! It’s okay if you end up giving in every once in a while so long as you keep trying to work on it! Best of luck! Hwaiting!
~ Dr. Bae***
Abby reread the email a second time. She didn’t like the things her psychologist suggested but part of therapy was doing things she didn’t like so instead of focusing on that, she needed to see the big picture. What was most important was not the process itself but the end result. And the end result she needed was to be more like Cain and less like herself. Since he wasn’t a Germaphobe, she also couldn’t be one or at least not appear to be one as much. She made up her mind just then, her first step would be to let Cain clean like he wanted to but she also needed to apologize to him.
He was in the living room and looking at his phone when she came out of her room. She took a seat on the other end from him. It was the furthest she could be and since the sectional was big, the distance between them was also big. “I’m sorry.” She lowered her head.
“Huh? You say something?” He had been playing a game and had airpods on but once he saw Abby there, he took one out.
"I said I'm sorry...for the way I acted. I shouldn't have acted the way I did. You were only trying to be nice and I was rude to you. But I wanted to tell you that it's fine if you sweep but you have to do so like you normally would. You don't have to do it a second, third or fourth time. Just spend the normal amount of time and effort you usually would. All I ask is for you not to touch me again. It's nothing against you, it's something I would ask of anyone. I don't even let my own mom hug me. I just—" It was hard to explain things to someone that didn't understand what she was going through. Most people just thought of Germaphobes as weirdos and even made fun of them. Abby had been one of those people herself but that was before she knew how having such a condition was like.
"You don't want any chances of germs getting on you. It's fine. I understand. And it's why I'm even more grateful that you are allowing me to stay here with you. I know it must be really hard for you to have to live with someone else but I promise I will do my best to keep things clean so that you won't feel uneasy."
"Thanks for understanding." She got up and was about to head to her office when Cain stopped her.
"Wait. Can I get the password to your wifi? I'm running low on data and I'll need something to do after I'm done sweeping."
"The password?" Abby's face reddened. Her password was something she didn't want Cain to know, not because it was a password but because of what her password was. But she knew that when entering letters one by one each letter became dots so she decided to spell it out to him instead of saying it and hoped he wouldn't catch on. "The password is S—E—X—Y—C—A—I—N." She said each letter as fast as she could so he wouldn't catch on but then he asked her to slow down and repeat herself.
"Sexy Cain? Is that your password?" He smirked at her.
Instead of answering his question, she turned around and proceeded to walk to her office. She didn’t want him to see how red her face had gotten. It was stupid of her to think he wouldn't figure it out. The first three letters already gave it away and of course he would know how to spell his own name.
The first thing Abby did once in her office was bang her head on the desk. If only she would have changed the wifi password the night before such embarrassment could have been avoided. It was obvious he would ask for the password at some point, it was the first thing people usually asked when at someone else’s house. It wouldn't have been as embarrassing if it had been another member's name but it was his. Such an incident only made it hard for her to face him but she couldn’t avoid him. She had after all promised to teach him Spanish that night.
By the time Cain was finished sweeping he was drenched in sweat. The apartment was just so big and the Summer weather was just so hot. Both things combined made him want to shower. But as he still thought of the body he was in as Abby’s, it didn’t seem right to shower without her permission. He needed to ask her first but considering how she was working in her office, it was best for him to wait. In the meanwhile he settled with wiping off his sweat with wet napkins.
Instead of sitting on the sectional to rest, he laid down on the floor. It was his way of preventing getting the furniture stinky. He had heard of covers for sofas so he wondered why Abby didn’t have one. Since she was a Germaphobe it made sense to have such a thing but as she lived alone, he could also understand why she wouldn’t. That was however no longer the case so getting her one seemed like a good idea. As a cover could be taken off and washed, neither of them would have to worry about getting her sectional dirty.
He browsed through various sites for sofa covers but there were just so many colors to choose from and he didn’t know what Abby’s favorite color was. Since it was going to be for her, he wanted to get one she would like. He looked around the living room and the kitchen but mostly everything was neutral colored. The colors just didn’t really seem like her. He remembered she had a neon green phone case, it had stood out to him as it was very bright. But there were no neon green sofa covers. The closest thing he found was a lime green, it was less vibrant but still close enough so he placed in his cart and thought of what else he could get her.
By the time he was ready to check out, his cart was full of green things. Not only was there the lime green sofa cover but he was also getting neon green bed sheets, lime green curtains, a lime green rug, a neon green trash can and a few other things for himself such as a pillow, toothbrush, deodorant and cologne. The total came out to be the same amount as his allowance that month. He only hoped he wouldn't need more money anytime soon and if he did, he would have to ask either his parents or group members to let him borrow some. He would however have to do it by text and ask them to wire it. Asking Abby to meet with people so he could borrow money was just too embarrassing for him.
Abby looked like someone that was doing well for her age. She hadn't told him how old she was, he only assumed they were both the same age. But if he thought about it, her career required at least 4 years of higher education. He had looked it up shortly after she told him what her job was. And as she lived in the US where they usually graduated high school the year they turned 18, if he added 4 years it equaled 22 and it meant she was his noona by at least two years. He didn't think she could be much older than him but asking for her age was something he would have to do so he could know how to refer to her as.
"Noona". Cain tried saying the word out loud for the first time while they both ate lunch. He thought it was the perfect time to confirm whether she was his noona or if he was her oppa. "Would you be my noona or would I be your oppa?" He picked at his food which was grilled chicken and a mix of vegetables. The chicken he liked, vegetables not so much.
Abby almost dropped her fork at hearing Cain say the last word, he had said it so casually. Not only was the word oppa used to call older guys but it was also what girls called their boyfriends. "Uhh...Are you asking because you want to know how you should refer to me? Because if that’s the case, I'm fine with you just calling me by my name. You can also feel free to talk to me casually." She was 8 years older than him and knew he would start to act differently with her if he knew. She never saw what the big deal was with the different titles Koreans used. Neither Americans or Mexicans had different words to call people based on their age and gender, it was for that reason she had never gotten used to using the titles despite living in Seoul for six years.
"So does that mean I'm your oppa?" He titled his head to the side. Older people usually didn’t like younger people talking to them casually, at least not in Korea.
"What do you think?" She could already guess what his answer would be. Everyone she met always thought she was younger than her age, usually around 8 years.
"Hmm.” He turned to look at a mirror that was hung on the wall behind him. “I would say you look my age. But if you don't tell me how old you really are then I'm going to want you to call me oppa."
There was no way she would do such a thing, not when she knew their big age difference. It would feel wrong to do so and she just refused to call someone that much younger than her "oppa". As she didn't want to be stuck calling him such a thing for the next two weeks, she had no other choice but to tell him her age. "I'll tell you my age but you have to promise you won't start acting any differently. We can use the proper titles if you really prefer it over using names but other than that I want everything to stay the same between us. I just don’t like such a system of hierarchy."
"Fine. I promise."
"I'm 28."
“I’m sorry, what did you just say?” He put a finger to his ear and wiggled it. He couldn’t have heard right, she didn’t look like someone that was approaching their 30’s but more like someone that had just turned 20. Usually Asians looked younger than their age but she wasn't Asian.
"I was born in 1992."
He did the math in his head. He was born in 2000 and he was 20 so that meant she was 28. He gasped. “You’re 8 years older than me?”
She nodded.
“You look so young though!”
"Everyone always tells me that. It’s why I still have to show my ID just to buy alcohol. Yet some cashiers still think my ID is a fake. It's ridiculous really. I have to wear makeup just to make myself look older and I'm not much of a makeup person."
"I thought women liked looking younger."
"We do but it can get annoying at times, especially when we actually want to look our age."
"So does this mean I should call you noona now? I was sort of starting to get used to calling you by your name as I thought we were both the same age." He had never called anyone older than him by their first name but he had gotten comfortable with Abby.
“Well if you already got used to calling me by my name then just keep doing so. I actually prefer it if you do.”
“Cool. I’ll do that then. And there’s something else I wanted to ask.”
"Go ahead.” She grabbed both their empty plates and headed to the sink to wash them.
"Are you good at either dancing, rapping or singing?"
Abby stopped mid scrub. She knew why he was asking such a question and she had been meaning to tell him that she couldn’t do any of the three things. "I'm not.” She sighed and looked down at the running water. “I basically have two left feet and my voice is not good for singing. I've tried rapping before since I like to listen to Italian rap but I don't think I'm any good at it. I have no talent whatsoever. This is bad, isn't it? You should have at least switched bodies with someone that could actually do the same things you can. This is what makes our body switch even more ridiculous." She didn't want to end up ruining his career because of her poor dancing and rapping skills. And it wasn't like such things could be learned as easily as learning a language.
"Well that's weird because I actually had a dream last night that—"
Abby waited for Cain to finish his sentence but he didn't. He was about to tell her about the dream he had that night but then realized it would be weird to tell her he dreamt about her.
"You had a dream that...?"
"That I was performing at our comeback stage. So I just assumed that perhaps it meant you could dance and rap." It was the only thing he could come up with to say to her.
"Or you had that dream because you're actually going to be able to perform at your comeback stage meaning that our bodies would have switched by then!" She clapped her hands together and smiled.
Cain hated to burst Abby's bubble but knew they had to be realistic rather than hopeful. It was only a dream after all. They didn’t even have a clue as to how to switch back and it would most likely take a while for it to happen. There was even the possibility of them not returning to their own bodies until after his group’s comeback. "I hate to break it to you but dreams aren't predictions. They’re just dreams. It's actually said that dreams are a wish your heart makes so really it's just me wishing to perform on stage again."
"You're right. I shouldn't have gotten so excited."
Cain wanted to switch back just as much as Abby but at the same time he didn't want it to happen so soon since that only meant they would no longer have a reason to see each other. So he really didn't mind all that much if they stayed as they were a while longer. The only thing he didn't like was that she would have to act as him and that by doing so it would only cause her anxiety. "I have a theory though. Since you're in my body which is basically a dancer's body, perhaps my muscles still have that kind of memory as to how to dance. And if I'm right and you can dance then perhaps you can also rap. You do have my voice after all. So how about trying to dance? That way we’ll know if you actually can."
“I’m not sure about this.” She was pretty sure things didn't work that way. She basically thought of their body switch as her brain and consciousness being in Cain's body while his brain and consciousness were in hers. He wanted her to try dancing but she didn't even know any steps to begin with.
"Having trouble? You can watch me and try to follow along."
Cain started to dance but one thing he didn’t notice that Abby did was that he was just as good as always. It was weird for her to see her own body moving in such a way when in reality she could never dance like he was at that moment. She didn't even have to try to follow along because if he was able to dance in her body like he normally did, it only meant she wouldn't be able to.
He turned around to see if she was following along but saw that she wasn’t. "Why aren't you dancing? Don't you want to find out if you can dance?"
"I can't. You were able to dance just like you always do so that only means that I'll dance the same as always even if I'm in your body."
"Well I can teach you!" Cain was about to grab Abby's hand when he remembered she told him not to touch her.
"Let's not waste our time doing something futile. How about we spend that time doing things we can actually achieve like teaching you Spanish, are you ready for your first lesson?" She pulled out a chair for him.
“Fine. But I want to make a deal.”
The deal was that Abby would attempt to learn how to dance and rap if Cain was able to name at least 20 things in her apartment in Spanish by the end of a week. He knew it meant he would only have a week to try to teach her but he needed at least a week if he wanted to learn and memorize that many words in another language. He was however determined to achieve such a thing as he really wanted Abby to give dancing and rapping a shot.
