FIFTEEN

It didn't take long for word to get around but it really wasn’t a surprise. Jun was never one to keep anything from his aunt and of course it was only natural that if Mrs. Lee knew such a thing then so would her mom as the two spoke with each other everyday. Abby didn’t know which was worse, her parents thinking she was dating or Cain having received the text from her mom that next morning.

<Hey. I heard I'll be getting a son-in-law soon, that handsome boy you said was only your "friend". I knew something was going on between you two. I don't know why you wanted to hide such a thing. Were you perhaps worried we would scare the boy off by bringing up marriage? Well it's something that will have to be brought up sooner or later dear so you might as well sooner. You wouldn't want to end up wasting your time on someone that isn't even ready to get married and start a family. It isn’t like you’re getting any younger. You don’t have time to waste. Unless, have you considered getting your eggs frozen? That would give you a few more years to find prince charming.>

Her mom had the habit of saying too much in her texts so the moment Abby received the forwarded text from Cain she felt like she could die from embarrassment. All she could think was that Cain most likely thought of her as a loser who couldn't even get someone to marry her. She had after all failed at it once and if Jun hadn't wanted her, she didn't think anyone else would. It was part of the reason why she gave up on dating, there was just no point for her to chase after the impossible. Nothing had even changed with her as she hadn’t gotten better but only worse. At least before she was actually able to sleep around with a guy but now she couldn't even have a guy touch her without having the urge to wash away every trace of that touch.

Cain had been waiting for Abby to tell him what to reply to her mom. It had been over an hour since he sent the text and she usually replied within minutes even if she was busy. He thought perhaps she just didn’t know what to tell her mom so he decided to text her a suggestion.

He didn’t mind such a thing as it would help her out.

It was so typical for parents to be that way. Yet when she got engaged with Jun at the age of 22, they thought she was too young to get married. But as soon as she hit 25 they started pushing her to date just so she could get married and it wasn't just marriage they expected but grandchildren as well. She was the only one out of her siblings that was still single and with no kids.

<Who? Me or you?>

<You. My mom knows I'm straight. Just say that (YOU) my guy friend is gay.>

<We’ve basically been lying to everyone this whole time, what’s one more lie going to do? Besides, it's not like my parents thinking you’re gay will affect you in any way. You can even send them photos of you and Josiah together and they'll believe you if you tell them he's your boyfriend. Just check my phone’s gallery, I have lots of photos of you two together.>

She had photos of all her favorite ships, even some that were edited by fans.

<I'll just tell them I'm an idol and that I'm not allowed to date yet.>

It was true that two people thinking he was gay wouldn’t affect him. But when those two people happened to be the parents of the girl he wished to date, that wasn't a good thing. It would only affect his chances of being able to date her later on, that is if he did manage to get her to see him that way as he still had to change her opinion on dating first. The problem was that she didn't even know how he felt about her and he feared being rejected if he told her too soon. He had never cared much about dating before but ever since he met Abby he had basically started to count down the days till his dating ban was lifted and he could ask her out.

<You're supposed to be an Agoraphobe that is also a Germaphobe, how are they supposed to believe you're an idol that goes on world tours and has hi-touch events with fans?>

<Fine. Do whatever you want.>

She knew he wouldn’t give up and would only keep on persisting by trying to come up with other reasons. It was better to just give in and save them both time. So long as her mom didn't think she was dating Cain it didn't really matter what he told her.

Abby noticed just then that the members had started to head out and knew she needed to do the same.

"You don't have to go with them today since you'll be skipping practice." The manager stopped her just as she was about to step in the van. He was tall and muscular just like Cain told her but at the same time he was handsome. He even looked like he could be an idol himself if he were only five or eight years younger and didn’t have his arms covered with tattoos.

She found it odd that she would be the only one excused as all the other members were already in the two vans. It made her wonder if perhaps they'd figured she was useless at practices with the ankle brace. She knew she would have to take it off eventually but still planned to wear it as long as she could. "Does this mean I'll get to stay at the dorms for the day?" Her eyes sparkled just thinking about all the cleaning she would be able to do.

As the door to the van was still open, Abby saw when Abel started to laugh. It almost seemed as if he were laughing because of what she had said and yet she hadn't said anything funny.

"Either you didn't get the memo or you're starting to get memory loss on top of your recent personality change." Being Cain’s roommate, Abel had noticed things the others hadn't. At first he thought he was just imagining it but then he saw how Cain had been looking at him differently, even staring at him for too long that it almost seemed as if he were checking him out. The idea had first seemed crazy to Abel as he had always thought of Cain as straight but now he wasn't so sure.

"Recording for Music Beat has been moved a day earlier this week. I thought I texted you to let you know but I must have forgotten. Your van will be here to take you shortly."

Thinking she heard wrong, she needed the manager to repeat himself. "Excuse me?"

"You're an MC or have you forgotten that?" Abel stuck his head out of the van.

"Get your ass back into your seat boy and close that door. Driver, start the van. This one here is staying behind today." The manager pushed Abel's head back in the van and took out his phone to make a call.

Cain hadn’t told her about being an MC for a music show. He was supposed to tell her those kinds of things. She didn't think she could call him as he was most likely already at work but she could still text him.

<Today? That's supposed to be tomorrow.>

She couldn't argue with him as she knew he was right. For anyone without anxiety or panic disorder, knowing about things ahead of time was good as it would give them more time to prepare but for her it was the complete opposite. The less time she knew about something, the better. It was just like the evening she had to go to her parents restaurant. Had she not given herself as much time to think things through and just gone right ahead, her panic attack would have most likely not been as bad. But just because she barely found out about having to do such a thing as being an MC on that same day it didn't mean it was any less scary for her. The only difference was that she had less time to panic.

One of the things that always caused Abby to panic was being in situations she couldn’t get out of and that moment was one of them. It was why she fumbled for the only help she could get in such instances. In her little black bag were pills for pretty much every symptom that came with a panic attack but she didn’t think any of them would be of much help. All she really needed was one pill, one that would do what four of them would and even more. It was however a medication she didn’t have on her but one she kept in her ever-growing stash.

She excused herself with the manager and ran back to the dorms. No matter how shaky she was feeling at that moment it would all go away once she took that one pill. Out of all the medications she had been prescribed, Propranolol was the one that seemed to have an effect the fastest. It made sense considering how it would almost immediately lower her heart rate which then stopped her shakiness and feeling of dizziness but those weren’t the only things the medication did. The reason why her doctor told her to stop taking it was because it lowered her blood pressure which was already a problem she had. But desperation made her sometimes do things she shouldn’t.

She had just taken the pill when she received another text from Cain.

As he hadn’t received a reply from her, he wondered if perhaps she was mad at him for not having told her about such a thing.

<It’s not really all that hard, all you have to do is follow the script you are given while trying to sound as natural as possible. Have you ever watched Music Beat before?>

Despite being busy with work she always made time to watch the music show just so she could see him.

She had almost forgotten Cain wasn’t the only MC but that two other of her favorite idols worked alongside him. Not only that but she also remembered a lot of her favorite groups were having comebacks at the time and it meant she would get the chance to interview one of them. At that moment she wasn’t sure which emotion was stronger, her anxiety or her excitement.

As she was never able to go to either a concert or fanmeeting, seeing her favorite groups up close and even talking with them was like a dream come true. The only problem was the setting. If it weren’t for the fact that many fans went to music shows like Music Beat, meeting those groups would be no problem for her. She could after all handle a room with 10 or even 20 people but such numbers didn’t match with the amount of fans she was certain would be there. Some of those fans would even just go to see Cain and it meant that not only would she be in a place full of people but of people that would be watching her every move. Just knowing that brought back some of her initial anxiety.

Upon her arrival at the location, Abby was able to see what she had only ever seen in photos and videos. She had never imagined a day would come when she would be by all the plastic blue fences that kept fans only a few feet away from their idols and yet she was there. But there was a huge difference between her and the other fans and that was that she wasn’t an onlooker like them but was instead the one being looked at. She wasn’t sure how many people were there but could tell they were a lot considering how many voices yelled out Cain’s name. Normally in such instances the idol would be expected to smile and wave back at the fans but she instead kept her head down as she walked all the way to the entrance of the tall building.

"Are you feeling okay?" It seemed the manager had noticed the difference in attitude.

She had tried to act as much as she could as Cain but it wasn't always easy, they were both just so different from each other. "Just a bit of stomach pain is all." Abby grabbed at her stomach just to try to prove her point. Lying was all she could really do to try and cover up her odd behavior.

"You need me to get you any medicine? There's a pharmacy nearby."

She liked that the manager was caring enough to make such an offer but the last thing she needed was more medicine. "I think just drinking some water will help. Thanks though." Another thing she liked was that he had been keeping his distance the whole time. He had been walking next to her but with probably enough room for a ruler to be in between them. It wasn't like being with the members who always seemed to be crowding around each other.

The first place Abby was taken to was a room to get her hair and makeup done. She always imagined Music Beat had their own people that did such things for the idols, at least for their MC's but it turned out they didn't. EVE had to have their own hair and makeup artists for Cain. It made her feel special in a way to have two people there just for her, it was like getting a royal treatment. She was however not comfortable with the fact they had to touch her but there was no way around it as touching was necessary to get both hair and makeup done. It did however alleviate her when she saw both the hair stylist and makeup artist wash their hands along with all their supplies before they went to her.

Once done with her hair and makeup, she was told to go into a room where she was to meet with the other two MC's. Cain was supposed to be familiar with them as they were basically colleagues so Abby wasn’t sure how she should act around them. She knew Junho was the same age as Cain and that Jinah was a year younger so she supposed they didn't have to act formal around one another. They were also all from groups that debuted around the same time so not one of them were either a sunbae or hoobae.

She was the second one in the room as Junho was already there. Jinah was however not but she presumed she was still getting her hair and makeup done. Being bored with nothing to do, Abby wanted to approach Junho who sat while looking at his phone but wasn’t sure if she should as she felt she would only end up asking for his autograph.

Sad that she couldn’t talk to him, she decided to do the next best thing and took a selfie with him in the background. She would have taken a photo of just him but was too afraid he would notice. Just having such a photo excited her so much that she sent it to Cain.

<Look! I'm in the same room as Junho! Don’t you just love his new hair?! You can’t really see it in the photo well but if you zoom in on him you can see that it’s jet black with blue highlights.>

Cain wasn't sure why he was even advising Abby to go up to another guy and talk with him but he figured it couldn't hurt as she was supposed to be him.

<Yea, I’m a fan of his group. He's on his phone though. I think he's texting someone, do you think it could be Minki?>

<Minki? Is he your bias?>

He remembered her telling him she liked dancers and Minki was one of the main dancers of the group just as Junho was.

<Yup! And Junho is my bias wrecker!>

Abby noticed Jinah walk in just as she sent the text.

<Omg! Jinah just got here! Her outfit is so cute! It’s a baby pink mini dress with ruffles and the shoes she’s wearing make the outfit look even better! They’re white Louboutin heels! Want me to take a photo so you could see? It would have to be a selfie with her in the background just like with Junho though.>

<Nah. I’m fine. I’m not really into woman’s fashion. But let me guess, you're also a fan of hers?>

He had no idea she was such a multifandom stan. It seemed like he was learning more about her everyday. He was just glad the MC's were able to distract her as he had been worried she would end up having a panic attack even before she got up on stage. But he knew that even though she seemed fine at that moment, it didn't necessarily mean she would be once it came time to take on her role as an MC.

Cain had typed out the words yet he couldn't believe he had actually sent them.

<Pfft. I think you need to get your eyes checked. She's a visual of a Kpop group, how can I even compete with her?>

He was in the middle of typing a response when Abby sent him another text.

<GTG! TTYL!>

Cain took this as his queue, it was time for him to get in position but getting through the crowd was no easy feat. There were screaming fans all around him yet instead of their screams being directed at him like he was used to, they were being directed at the idols that were up on stage. Having never been part of an audience, he had no idea it would be so hard just to get to a spot where he wanted to be. Even though he felt bad doing such a thing, he had to push and shove people. It was his only choice if he wanted to do what it was he had gone there for.

Just getting in had been hard for him as tickets were required but having worked there as an MC, he knew a way around. All he had to do was sneak in through the back while pretending to be part of the staff. Carrying boxes and props was all it took and no one questioned him. The good thing was that he had known which people to avoid and only approached the interns to offer them help. Had he been caught, he could have gotten in huge trouble for sneaking in and impersonating a staff member.

His only hope at that moment was that Abby would remember what he told her to do the day before, to imagine herself in front of only one person and to keep her eyes on just that person. It was the reason why he was there. He had even asked to switch shifts with a coworker so he could be that one person for her. Just to make sure he got her attention, Cain had taken a big sign with him that had Abby’s name written on it.

As soon as he saw her walk up on stage he raised the sign up higher. He had no doubt the bright neon green color would be enough to get her attention. As he had made it at the last minute, it didn’t come out as good as he would’ve liked but figured it was better than nothing.

To Abby’s surprise it wasn’t the audience that bothered her as much as she thought it would but instead it was the blinding bright lights that were aimed directly at the MC’s that did. She started to feel lightheaded the moment they were turned on. Just keeping her balance felt like a hard thing to do as she almost felt like she would faint. Seeing that the lights didn’t seem to bother either Junho or Jinah, she didn’t think feeling that way was normal. It also wasn’t a symptom of a panic attack as she had oddly enough not felt as anxious as she expected and it was all thanks to the pill.

It was when Abby was handed the microphone that she realized her hands were clammy. Such a thing would have been normal if she was having a panic attack but she wasn’t, her heart rate had been as calm as could be. Still she was having other symptoms, one of them being her blurred vision. At that moment the lights no longer seemed so bright to her, instead they looked as if they were dimming.

Cain saw as it happened, she fainted. Luckily for her Junho had been there to catch her. He remembered the time she fainted the day they met and wondered if it was because of her anxiety. Feeling the urge to see Abby, he had to push and shove once more just so he could get backstage where he was certain they had taken her.

If only he would have gotten the job at EVE seeing her would have been no problem at all but they had not yet called him. The good thing was that he was familiar with the place and had become good at acting. With a walkie talkie in one hand and a makeup box in another, Cain looked just like any other employee there. All that was left for him to do was to act the part of a worried makeup artist.

“How are you feeling?” He had to kneel just so he could take a better look at Abby as she was laying on a chaise.

“Dirty.”

With a pout on her face, Cain couldn’t help but laugh. He was just glad she was well enough to answer him in such a way.

“Hey! Why are you laughing?! And what are you even doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be working?” As much as Abby was glad to see him, it did worry her that he would get in trouble for being there. She knew only artists and staff were allowed backstage and he was neither, at least not at that moment.

“I’m working, can’t you see?” He raised the makeup box he had so she could see it.

“Ahhh. I see what you did. Very clever of you. But won’t people start to suspect you if you don’t start doing my makeup?”

“Who said I wasn’t?”

“So you are?” Abby perked up at the idea. She knew he would wash his hands and supplies just as well as the makeup artists had so it didn't worry her.

“If you’ll let me...” He looked down at the opened makeup box and saw just the perfect colors. She had gray contacts on so for the eyeliner it would be black and dark brown while the eye shadow would be charcoal, purple and light brown.

“Of course! On one condition though.” The mischievous look she had at that moment only made Cain waver.

“Relax. It’s not a weird request. All I want is for you to help me get off this dirty chaise. That and a few tips for the interview I’m about to do with NineTeen.”

“Oh? So you still plan on doing an interview despite just having fainted?” He was surprised she was still willing to do such a thing.

“Of course! It’s NineTeen after all! Plus the interview will be done here backstage so it’s not like I’m going to be in front of an audience.” She was sure it would be her only chance to interview one of her favorite groups and she didn’t want to let such an opportunity go to waste.

“There’s something different about you...” Cain lowered his face to study her. He had noticed Abby hadn’t acted as timid as she usually did when she was out and that she also didn’t seem as anxious.

"It’s probably because of the pill I took earlier. I don’t know why my doctor told me to stop taking it when it’s the only medication that really helps me.” It was the reason why she hadn't thrown them out but instead kept them. As she could no longer get refills, she had to make them last and only take them during extreme situations.

“You took a medication your doctor told you to stop taking?” He couldn’t believe she would do such a thing.

“Well it helped me.” She pushed herself to sit up and crossed her arms. “You saw me up on stage. Without it I wouldn’t have even been able to get inside the building.”

“It might have helped you but you fainted, don’t you think it could have been because of that pill?” He looked down at his hands and curled them inwards. “Why did your doctor tell you not to take it?” It concerned him that she was willing to take such risks and in a way it made him feel like he was the one to blame.

“I have low blood pressure” She shifted and pulled her arms and legs in toward her core “the medication is supposed to lower blood pressure...but it also lowers my heart rate which is something I need in order to feel more calm." It was a constant dilemma for her, having to weigh the benefits and risks of every medication. No matter how effective some of them could be, they were always risks and side effects. It was part of the reason why she needed to get therapy like CBT alongside the pills she took, so she wouldn't become so dependent on them but instead be able to change her cognitive behavior.

"Please don't take them anymore. I understand why you took them but you doing such a thing only makes me blame myself. Today it was just fainting and I thank God it was nothing more but you won't always be so lucky. I would rather you just tell the manager you can't do something than for you to push yourself in such a way."

"But—" Abby wanted to argue with Cain but wasn't sure it was an argument she could win. They had agreed on taking over each other's roles and part of that meant to fulfill his duties as an idol. She not only felt she needed to do them but she also wanted to, at least for him.

"Do you want me to blame myself if something were to happen to you?"

"Of course not." She shook her head.

"Then don't make me do so."

"Fine.” She let out a low sigh. “I'll throw out the pills once I get back to the dorms."

"That's a good girl. I'll be good too now by helping you get up this chaise, redoing your makeup and giving you those tips you wanted for the interview with NineTeen." He got up and grabbed Abby by the sleeves of her jacket, all the while making sure not to touch her directly.

"So how did you get the makeup box and walkie talkie? And what are you going to do if someone ends up calling it?" As they had found an empty room in the older parts of the building where not many people went, they were able to speak with more liberty.

“I got the makeup box from a room where makeup artists leave their stuff. I had to sneak in and was almost caught but it was worth it.” He gave her a smile. “As for the walkie talkie, it doesn’t actually work. I got it from a box of tech supplies that need to be fixed. I just thought since all of the staff members seem to have one it would make me look more like one of them.”

“Well you almost fooled me. I almost thought for a second you got a job here but then remembered you work at a cafe. But hey, did you know EVE is looking to hire makeup artists? If you’re any good at doing makeup you should apply.”

“If I’m any good? Ha! I don’t usually like to brag but the members do tell me I’m better at applying makeup than our own makeup artists.” He didn’t want to tell her he had already applied for the job when he hadn’t even been called for an interview. The chances of him actually getting hired were slim as they tended to hire people with either an education or experience in the field. Rarely were makeup artists hired out of pure talent, for that he really needed to stand out. He was however confident in his skills and was hoping that would be enough to get him the job.

“Oh really?” She wiggled her eyebrows. “Prove it then. Make me as pretty as you can for Wooseok.”

“Wooseok? He’s a dancer in NineTeen, right? I don’t really follow the group but they do have some good songs. I don’t know why you want me to make you pretty for him when you’re really just me, a guy. So don’t forget that when you’re interviewing the group. I don’t want to later see you were making googly eyes at him.”

“What would you do if I asked him out?” Abby gave Cain a teasing smile but it didn’t seem like he catched onto it.

“You better not! If you do then I’m getting you back together with your ex!”

“Please don't! I was just kidding!”

“I’m serious about the googly eyes though. I wouldn’t want people to get the wrong idea about me.”

“Fine. I’ll try not to.” She slumped in her chair.

“Hey. Jinah and I have been looking for you. We wanted to know if you were still doing the interview or if one of us should do it.” Despite the room they were in being far from where the MC’s hanged out, Junho had still managed to find them.

“I’ll be out in a bit! Let me just get my makeup touched-up!”

At that moment Cain was able to see one of Abby’s rare smiles, the ones that truly showed she was happy and not just pretending to be and that smile alone made him happy.