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Carrying someone the size of Joel was no easy feat for Cain. He had barely carried Abby halfway up the staircase to their dorms when she started to kick him, she wanted him to let her go. His back had already hurt from all the weight it carried but her kicks only made it worse as he had to bend down even more just to avoid them. He was near the top when he could no longer carry her. Had it not been for Abel that was there to catch them, they would have most likely fallen down the stairs and because of this Cain felt grateful.
"How much did she drink?" Abel who had been staring out the window all night had seen when two figures came out of a taxi. As soon as he realized it was Abby and Cain, he hurried out with a blanket in hand.
"Four cans of soju and one shot of tequila. Although I suspect she might have drank that last shot she grabbed from a table on our way out." Cain hadn’t noticed the glass in Abby's hand until they were near the door, it was empty by the time he did but for all he knew she could have drank it.
Abel covered Abby with the blanket before he grabbed onto her and placed her on his back. "Well I don't know how good Joel's body is with handling tequila but I do know he's usually good with drinking soju."
"Tequila is stronger. And as you can see, she’s drunk." Although he no longer carried her, Cain still had a hold on Abby who seemed to want to get down from Abel's back as she started to squirm and even kick.
"Don't worry. I got her." Abel lifted her higher on his back and went ahead to take the few steps that were left to reach their dorms.
"Wait. Before you go I have something to ask."
"Go ahead." Abel turned his head back to look at Cain.
"Are Abby and Joel dating?" She hadn’t answered his question when he asked her.
"Where you get that crazy idea from?"
"Abby said so herself."
"Did she say this while she was drunk or did she say it while she was sober?" It made a difference after all as it was well known drunks tended to tell truths.
"Sober."
"Then I would say she was lying." Abel said it with such certainty although he wasn’t really sure. He had seen Abby getting along well with the leader that morning but for them to start dating out of nowhere didn't seem like something either of them would do. Even if Joel had somewhat flirted with her on more than one occasion, he was just too responsible to do something that was not yet allowed for them to do. Then there was the fact Abby seemed so adamant on not dating.
"Oh. Well ok. I was just curious. Please take care of her." They were Cain's last words before he parted.
Even though Abel wasn’t sure when the body switch would occur, he laid Abby down in their room and stayed by her bedside until she fell asleep that night. Knowing she would most likely wake up confused and wanting to be there the moment she did, he woke up earlier than usual that next morning.
With a bowl of soup in hand, he walked to the room that was shared by three of his group members. Not knowing if it would be Abby or Joel to wake up with a hangover, he prepared a second bowl and left it in his room for Joel when he woke up. He even prepared and cooked everything in a cleaner than usual manner in case it was Abby that would need the soup.
Knowing she didn't like to eat food made by others, the first thing he did was wash his hands with more soap than usual. After that, he put on a mask and once having taken out the ingredients, he washed them all along with the utensils. So as to keep his hands clean, he even washed them a second time before he started to cut the ingredients. It was the most he had ever done for someone but he was willing to do even more for Abby.
"Dude what are you doing in our room so early in the morning? And why is Cain sleeping on Joel's bed?" Having woken up, Seth saw as Abel walked in and sat on the floor of the room.
"Just here to take care of my roommate. He came in here last night by mistake since he was drunk so Joel had to sleep on his bed instead." It was what him and Joel agreed on telling the members if they asked about the sudden switch of beds.
"And you even made him hangover soup?" Seth pointed at the bowl in his hand.
"Yeah..." Not knowing what else to say, Abel scratched the back of his head.
"I know Cain has a pretty face and all but he's not a girl, y'know?"
"Huh?"
"Both you and Joel have been acting differently towards Cain, it makes me wonder why."
Just as he was about to say something, Abel saw the covers on Joel’s bed move. Had it not been for Seth’s accusations, he would have rushed over.
"Uhhh...what am I doing here?" Looking around her surroundings, Abby recognized the familiar room. Seeing she was in the same bed as the previous morning made her come to one conclusion, she and Joel hadn't switched back. Freaked out, she started to touch herself, face, arms, abs, legs.
"Cain! How are you feeling? I made some hangover soup, here." Abel extended the bowl out to her.
She gave him a questioning look and pointed at herself. He nodded back in response. With a sigh of relief, she took a hold of the bowl and got up to walk to their room while Abel followed behind.
"I'm not hungover so I don't know why you made me this soup. Did Joel perhaps get drunk while he was in my body?" She didn't have a headache or nausea and neither felt thirsty or dizzy. They were all usually symptoms of a hangover yet she didn’t feel any. She however felt somewhat confused, almost like there was a part of the previous night she didn't remember.
"Nope.” He shook his head. “It was actually you that got drunk while you were in his body so considering how you're not hungover..." He pointed to where Joel was lying down.
She let out a gasp. "Oh no! Poor Joel!"
"Why is it so loud in here? And the light, why is it so bright? What time is it?" With an arm over his eyes, Joel tried to sit up but feeling dizzy, he plopped back down onto the bed.
Abby ran to his side and tried to sit him up as gently as she could. "I’m SO sorry. And about last night..." She had forgotten what happened while she was drunk but remembered telling her parents she was dating him. Just remembering such a thing made her feel more apologetic that she bowed at Joel.
"Hey, there's no need for that.” He reached out and patted her on the head. “It's no big deal so don’t feel bad. I'll be fine in a few hours. Besides, we're friends and it's what friends are for."
"Oh really? Friends? JUST FRIENDS? Because according to Abby—"
"Shut up Abel!" Realizing what he was about to say, Abby ran over to Abel and put her hand over his mouth. "This is something I have to tell him myself." Telling Joel such a thing was embarrassing but she knew she had to and it was better if he heard it from her than from someone else.
Once she was certain Abel wouldn’t say anything, she walked over to grab the bowl of hangover soup and a water bottle from the mini fridge in their room to give them to Joel. "Here. Drink some water first and then eat the soup. I'll tell you once you're done eating. And Abel, I would like to talk to you about something." It was something she had thought about for days but not sure if it was even possible to do, she hadn't known how to bring it up. However, having noticed her feelings had grown stronger, she could no longer sit back and do nothing. She wanted to run away from those feelings anyway she could and sharing a room with the one that caused them only made things harder. It was why she came to the conclusion that physical distance was needed in order for those feelings to go away.
"Yea. What is it?" Abel felt his hands sweat as Abby walked towards him.
"I want to switch rooms."
"What do you mean?" He swallowed.
"I don't care if I have to share a room with two others but I just can't be your roommate anymore."
"Why not? Did I do something wrong? If I did then I'm sorry." The only logical explanation he could come up with for her no longer wanting to share a room with him was that he had done something wrong.
"No. Please don't think that way. You have done nothing wrong. I just...I need space." Her voice came out shaky. The last thing she wanted was for him to blame himself. It was really her fault after all. If only she could be true to her feelings like he was to his then there wouldn’t be any problem. Had she not experienced what she did in the past, things would have most likely been different.
"Fine. I understand. But you're not moving out, I am.” He grabbed his backpack which had all of his electronics. “Joel, could you perhaps switch rooms with me?" He figured if Abby needed space it was because he had been too clingy. She might not have wanted him to blame himself but he did so it only made sense for him to be the one to change rooms. Joel being the only other member there that knew about Abby was the best roommate she could have as he at least knew about her conditions. Not only that but they got along well too. It made Abel think perhaps it was Joel that was meant to be with her and not him like he originally thought.
"Well I would hate to get in the middle of a lovers quarrel but if it's something she really wants then sure, I'll be her roommate. And now that I'm done eating my soup, what was it you wanted to tell me Abby? Or was it this?"
"First of all Abel and I are NOT lovers so obviously this isn’t a lovers quarrel. Secondly, I uhh...The thing I wanted to tell you was...Ugh.” She shook her head. “Please don't take this the wrong way, I just had no other choice at the moment—" It seemed that Joel was the kind to take things the wrong way just like he did when she asked him if he could go to her apartment, because of this she felt like she needed to clarify herself.
"Oh really? No other choice?” Abel crossed his arms and glared at her. “So when you think of the word boyfriend the only one that comes to mind is Joel?" Wanting to know what happened the previous night, he texted Cain earlier that morning to ask him. He told him about Jun proposing marriage and how Abby suddenly said Joel was her boyfriend. It made him jealous to think she would rather call a guy that barely knew who she was her boyfriend than him who liked her and had known about her longer.
"You have to understand that at the time I was in Joel's body so it's not like he's the first one that comes to my mind when I think of that word. Had I been in any other member’s body like say Lucas, I would have just said he was my boyfriend."
"Right. Bring Lucas up instead of me. The guy doesn't even know who you are!"
"It was only an example! And please don't make me any more angry than I already am! I told you I wanted to tell this to Joel myself!"
"And you said this wasn't a lovers quarrel?" Even though Joel wasn’t yet sure what they were talking about, he did know one thing and that was that not only did Abel like Abby but that she did too. It hadn't been obvious to him before as he had thought of her as Cain but knowing it was really Abby he started to notice things, one of those being the way she looked at Abel, it was the same way Abel looked at her.
"This isn't a lovers quarrel!" Both Abby and Abel yelled at the same time.
"See. You two are even in sync. So if you two aren't lovers, why aren't you?"
"It's none of your business Joel! Just start packing your stuff while I pack mine." Their rooms were only a few feet away from each other and they didn't have many things of their own but wanting to keep himself busy, Abel started to put his stuff in plastic bags.
Realizing he overstepped his boundaries, Joel went ahead and left.
"You really don't have to. I really am okay with moving." Abby grabbed a plastic bag to put her own stuff in. As the room change was something she wanted, she felt it was only right for her to be the one to move.
"I know but I want to.” Abel took the plastic bag from her and looked down at the floor. “About the things I said...I’m sorry. I really shouldn’t have said them and I shouldn’t have acted the way I did. Can we still be friends?”
"Of course." It was what she wanted him to be after all, a friend. For that was the only kind of relationship she could handle at that moment. "And as Joel said, friends help each other out so let me help you." She grabbed back the plastic bag from him and started to grab as many things she could recognize as his. With the two doing so they were able to finish in no time but seeing how the room no longer held any of his things made Abby feel a knot in her heart, he was her sunshine after all. She hadn't really wanted to go to such extremities but it was what she thought was best for both of them.
Not being able to explain her feelings to him aloud, the only thing she could do was write a letter to Abel. Too shy to give it to him herself, she put it in one of the plastic bags that held his things.
***Since I can't call you the words in English as I am not yet ready for such feelings, I'll call you my rayito de sol. It's Spanish for ray of sunshine. Because even though you sometimes irritate me just like the blinding light from the sun, it is more times you cause me to feel this warmness inside of me. It is a beautiful feeling and for that I thank you. For years I thought I had forgotten how to smile yet you have shown me I am still capable of doing so. And I want you to know that just like I don't want to end up being hurt, I don't want you to either. Me wanting this distance is really just my way of protecting us both from all that possible pain that comes with such feelings. I hope you understand.***
While helping Abel put his stuff away, Eli found Abby's letter. It didn't have a name on it but he immediately recognized the handwriting as Cain's. Having seen when Joel started to pack his stuff, Eli asked him why he was suddenly changing rooms. He responded by saying he needed a quieter space to compose songs but he hadn’t believed him. It had after all only been months since all of the group members pitched in to buy their leader noise cancelling headphones. The last lines of the letter however explained the real reason for the sudden room change between his group members. Feeling like he had read something private, he placed the letter inside the drawer of the nightstand that was to be Abel's.
Meanwhile, a few doors over Abby helped Joel with his things but the atmosphere had been awkward as she felt ashamed for both having used him to lie and for getting drunk while in his body. She wanted to apologize to him again and explain things. "I'm sorry once again, not only for putting you in the state you’re in now but also for having used you to lie. I know there is no excuse for what I did but if I could somehow make it up to you..."
"You can, with a date."
"Huh?" Taken aback by his response, she dropped the box of things she was holding. It was a box with notebooks and one in particular that fell open caught her attention as the page it was on were lyrics to a song.
Joel having seen this, rushed over to pick up the notebook but at the same time so did Abby and they ended up bumping heads. "Sorry.” They both apologized at the same time.
“Ah but it’s my fault.” He hugged the notebook to his stomach. “I shouldn’t have rushed over like that even though I saw you were going to pick it up. It's just that it's a song I'm working on. It's sort of embarrassing but I originally wrote it for this comeback, EVE however didn't like it. I was told I needed to rewrite it if I wanted it to be in our next album."
"Why didn't he like it?"
"He's usually picky and tends to want our songs to match the group's youthful image. Apparently to him the song just sounds too experienced." He placed the notebook under his new bed and sat atop it.
Feeling curious, Abby decided to make a proposal to Joel. Just by the looks of it she could tell the song meant a lot to him but if she wanted him to open up to her, she too had to open up to him. "I'll make you a deal. Earlier you wanted to know why Abel and I aren't lovers, I'll tell you if you tell me what the song is about. Perhaps I could even help you out as I too have written songs in the past." It wasn't an easy thing for her to propose but at the same time she felt like she needed to talk to someone about her feelings.
"Sounds like a fair deal. I'll go first.” He motioned for her to sit on the other bed as he felt it would take him a while. “Well uhh...how to explain this...I guess I could say it’s about sacrifice and love and how both things go hand in hand as you can’t really love without there being any sacrifice. Have you ever noticed that?”
She had. Not only had she noticed it but had experienced it as well. In the end her sacrifice had however been in vain. “I have although I think it’s sometimes better not to sacrifice at all.”
“Well in my case the sacrifice was worth it. I think you just have to weigh the importance of things but above all I believe you should always prioritize the one you love over your own happiness. Although if you think about it, wouldn’t the one you love being happy also make you happy? I know it may sound puzzling but I’m speaking from my own experience as that’s what my song is about.”
“Well tell me more. Perhaps your experience was different from mine.” Even though she couldn’t completely relate to him, he made her curious.
“Let me see.” He started to count with his fingers. “If I was 16 then, it was five years prior to my debut in Adam. At that time EVE planned to debut me with another group and I was supposed to be the maknae as I was the youngest out of the seven. Everything had already been planned and the contracts were even signed but due to special circumstances I was allowed to back out. I just couldn’t stay in Seoul because I had to go back to Australia.” He looked down and clutched his necklace, the one his mom had given him on his last birthday with her. “My mom...she was sick, she was in the hospital. It was Pancreatic Cancer and it was advanced...She was given three years at most...” He sniffled and wiped his nose.
"Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. I shouldn’t have made you tell me. I understand it must be hard to talk about.” Feeling bad she made Joel talk about such a thing, Abby went over to him and patted his back. She wished she could hug him but the most she could do was that small gesture.
"It's okay. It's good to let these kinds of things out sometimes, better than keeping it all inside.” He tried to smile if only just a bit to reassure her. “My mom might not have been as lucky but I was because as you can see, I'm here. My dream has been fulfilled and that was my mom's last wish to me. She wanted me to go on to become an artist. And when I say I’m lucky it’s because not only was I given a second chance but even a third."
"What do you mean?"
"Two years after my mom was diagnosed I was offered to debut with yet another group but as you can already guess, I turned them down. I wanted to be by my mom's side for as long as I could. And I'm glad I refused that offer because only 6 months later my mom passed away. It wasn't even the three years the doctors said she was going to live but only two and a half." It was the first time he ever told anyone about such a thing. None of the members even knew about him having been a trainee before his mom died. They all believed he was lucky to have debuted within 6 months of training when in reality he trained for much longer. In a way it was his biggest secret and he had just told it to Abby.
"Well EVE is stupid for having said your song is too experienced. You had to go through all this 8 years ago when you were only 16 and stuff like this can happen to anyone at any age. There’s no such thing as too experienced when it comes to things in life. Your story is actually very touching and I'm sure your song is too." She would have never even imagined he had such a tragic past. It just showed people weren't always as they appeared and that no one had a life without hardships no matter how happy they seemed.
"Thanks. Although I had to make a lot of changes to it so it's no longer really as touching as you might think. I basically had to change it so that it's a song about a boy that loses his favorite toy, a present that was given to him by his mom."
"Wow. That does sound like a big change. I'm sure it's still good though, just like every other song you’ve written. And hey, you could still upload the original on Soundcloud. I bet EVE will regret not letting you have it in the album once he sees all the praise it gets."
"I was actually thinking about doing that but I wasn't sure if people would like it. Would it be okay if I were to sing it to you? You know cuz you're a fan...if you end up liking the song it'll mean other Ebenezers will too."
"Of course! You don't even have to ask! It'll be an honor just to be able to hear it before other Ebenezers!"
Having finished singing the song and then uploading it on Soundcloud, Abby went on to tell Joel about her past with Jun. Feeling like he opened up to her a lot, she decided to even tell him about the accident and how it affected her. It was really only things she had told her psychologist but just like Joel said, it felt good to let things out.
"I understand now why you might not want to accept such feelings because I can tell that you really do like Abel. Having lost someone I loved, even though that person wasn't a romantic kind of love, I can tell you that you'll only end up regretting not telling that person you loved them. Luckily I was given that chance with my mom since I knew my time with her was limited but I do regret not having been there for her even before she was diagnosed. Had I been there with her before, it would have given me more chances to tell her and show her how much I loved her."
"I'm not sure if what I feel for Abel is love though.” She sighed. “I mean...I do know I like him and that my feelings for him are getting stronger but..." She didn't think there was any way to categorize her feelings into a single emotion because it really felt like several emotions bunched up together. Anxiety, confusion, frustration, insecurity, yearning, attraction, nervousness and fear were all things Abby felt amongst that premature feeling of love.
"I can tell it's hard enough for you just to admit that you like him. And I know you don't want to get hurt just like you also don’t want to hurt Abel but you're actually already doing that."
"How so?"
"Well it's a different kind of hurt but it's still hurting both of you because what you’re doing is basically denying both your happiness and his. You may think love can only bring pain as that is what you have experienced in the past and although that might be true at times, you have to remember that it can also bring happiness. It’s why love is a risk but you have to ask yourself if it's a risk worth taking. Consider how much you like him and how much you wish for that happiness. Do your feelings and desire for happiness outweigh your desire to avoid pain?"
Abby reflected on Joel's words and it made her realize he was right, about everything. "Ugh. I hate to admit it but you're right. It's still something I have to think about though as it really is no easy thing to decide on. Anyways, if you knew I like Abel and that he likes me why did you ask me for a date?"
"Ah. That. Don't worry, it wasn't an actual date I was looking for but just a friendly kind of date. You said if there was any way you could make it up to me and there is, do you remember telling me you would make me salmon with gochujang next week? Well how about tonight? I'm really craving it and I already bought the ingredients last night."
