Jeremy is a single, thirty-nine-year-old police officer, now in recovery for sexual addiction. For years he put instant sexual gratification ahead of everything except work—even though he wasn’t having much actual sex. Instead, when not working, he would “find himself” abusing porn, masturbating on webcam, or playing virtual sex games on his laptop. Nevertheless, he wanted a true relationship, and he occasionally tried to date in real life, but without success. “When I was on dates, all I was really thinking about was going home and getting off. Even if a date ended in sex, I would rush home afterward and masturbate to porn.” Over the years, Jeremy grew lonely, isolated, and depressed. He went to multiple therapists to work on his depression, and at one point feeling utterly alone, hopeless, and ashamed of himself he even considered ending his life. Finally, in desperation he found a therapist who knew about sexual addiction, asked in detail about his sexual life, and thus identified his primary problem. Working with this therapist, Jeremy crafted a plan for change and healing. Today he is sexually sober for fifteen months and his depression has lifted. He says that despite his past, he now feels hopeful for the first time in many years about himself, his life, and his sense of being a good man. On the advice of his therapist and friends in recovery, he has not yet started dating, but he feels increasingly ready to begin that process and is preparing guidelines with his therapist to begin doing just that.
Getting Started
Like any addict who is mired in a problem of his own making, when a sex addict is ready to heal, he or she will nearly always require outside support and assistance. After all, if they could change their behaviors on their own (without help), they would do so, but they cannot. And this is not surprising when you understand the factors that drive the problem: primarily an unbroken cycle of triggers, acting out, and denial, plus a big dollop of lies, secrecy, shame, and self-loathing. To overcome these dynamics, addicts nearly always need the insight and the accountability that only an objective outsider can provide. In short, shame and remorse about compulsive sexual behaviors and even the worst related consequences are not enough to keep a sex addict from backsliding when challenged by emotional and/or psychological discomfort. Without external support, willpower alone just doesn’t seem enough, and sex addicts’ endless promises to change—made to themselves and others—almost inevitably fall by the wayside at some point.
The good news is that with proper guidance and support, lasting behavior change and a healthier life are absolutely possible. Before beginning this journey toward emotional healing and sexual recovery, it is important that sex addicts understand they will need to keep an open mind and become honest about their sexual thoughts and behaviors. This is never easy, of course, but it is always well worth the effort, as long-term healing from sexual addiction can foster a rediscovery of self and a much more rewarding creative and connected life.
If sex addicts are married or in an otherwise committed relationship and a committed partner (despite their anger and hurt) is open to staying around and joining in the healing process, couple’s recovery can bring a deeper understanding of both their own and their partner’s emotional needs and desires, while encouraging and allowing both parties to become more emotionally intimate with each other. If sex addicts are not in a romantic relationship, recovery builds self-esteem and enables them to make healthier choices about dating, sexuality, and (if they so desire) the formation of a long-term intimate partnership.
As sex addicts heal from active addiction, honesty, integrity, self-knowledge, and a desire to be vulnerable and known for who they truly are, warts and all, slowly but steadily replaces the double life they’ve been living. Secrets, lies, and superficial connections fall away, as they begin to feel better about their behavior and their self-identity. When taken on actively and honestly, sexual recovery can bring about unexpected levels of emotional maturity and hope for a future filled with loving, life-affirming friendships and romantic relationships. Admittedly, working toward change is not easy, especially when dealing with a deeply rooted addiction, and/or a betrayed spouse, but it pays big dividends over time.
Initial Steps Toward Healing
Interestingly, even though sex addicts nearly always require outside assistance if they hope to heal, the first step on their healing journey is an internal one: deciding that they actually want help with their addiction. Typically, this willingness to enter into the often difficult process of recovery arises because the addict has experienced negative consequences related to his or her sexual behaviors. Often the addict’s marriage or primary relationship, job, standing in the community, or freedom is threatened. Sometimes motivation is also internal, with the addict simply not liking the person that he or she has become and wanting to change. It doesn’t really matter where the initial impetus comes from—even superficial remorse (the desire to not get in anymore trouble), can get the ball rolling—as long as there is genuine motivation for change.
Once a sex addict is motivated to change and willing to accept outside assistance, it’s time to get to work. This process starts with finding an accountability partner. An accountability partner is a person who holds the addict accountable for the work that must be done, often providing feedback as it happens. This supportive guide is typically a therapist, a twelve-step sexual recovery sponsor, a non-shaming clergy member, or a close friend who is also healing from sexual addiction. (For addicts not yet willing or ready to seek in-person assistance, certain websites and twelve-step groups offer online and/or phone support.* But it is best to seek face-to-face help if/when available.) It is not advised for sex addicts to use a spouse or any other romantic partner as their accountability partner because those individuals are nearly always too close to the situation—and often too injured by the situation—to provide the objective input that is needed. This is true even when a spouse wishes to help.
*See resources section for more details.
Ultimately, the job of an accountability partner is to assist and guide the sex addict—in person, by phone, or even online—with identifying what his or her recovery-related commitments and priorities actually are, and ways in which those commitments toward change can be met and maintained. Accountability partners are also there for support when sex addicts experience moments of weakness. As such, establishing and developing this connection is an essential element of growing and maintaining sexual recovery and healing.
A few of the more common and highly useful early-recovery commitments that an accountability partner might ask a sex addict to make include the following:**
**These tasks are often required with or without the use of an accountability partner.
√ Promise to reach out immediately if you feel triggered to act out sexually. (Feeling triggered is inevitable, and there is nothing wrong with it, so long as addicts start dealing with their triggers in a healthy, nonaddictive way and not acting out their triggers.)
√ Promise to reach out immediately if you actually do act out sexually. (Slips and relapse are common in early recovery from sexual addiction.) They must be honestly admitted and gleaned for insight.
√ Throw away all physical material related to the problem. (For instance, porn addicts need to throw out all books, magazines, VHS tapes, DVDs, flash drives, and other storage devices that contain pornographic imagery or stories, along with any related paraphernalia such as lubricants and sex toys. It is best to throw this material into a commercial Dumpster at least a mile from home. Sometimes accountability partners will supervise this process to make sure the addict does not enjoy the material one last time.)
√ Go through your computer, laptop, tablet, smartphone, etc., deleting any and all files, emails, texts, sexts, bookmarks, profiles, apps, and contact information related to your addiction. Use the search capabilities built into your digital devices to look for these items. In other words, search for .gif, .tif, .jpeg, .wmv, .mpg, .mpeg, .mp4, .avi, and .mov files, among others. If possible, and if it won’t disrupt other areas of your life, disable the webcams on these devices. (Again, accountability partners often supervise this process to make sure the addict does not “enjoy the material just one last time.”)
√ Cancel any sex addiction-related memberships to websites, apps, and/or bricks-and-mortar establishments, along with any credit cards you’ve used to pay for these memberships to make sure they don’t automatically renew. (If addicts don’t want to cancel these cards, they can call the credit card company and report the card as lost. Credit card companies will gladly send replacement cards with different numbers, and this serves the same purpose as cancellation.)
√ Commit that you will stay away from “gray area” activities. (In the same way that alcoholics new to recovery should not hang out in bars, sex addicts shouldn’t leave the Victoria’s Secret catalog on the coffee table, frequent NC-17 movies, or get massages from strangers. People who are not sexually addicted can handle these things without becoming triggered; sex addicts cannot. So it is best to stay away from them.)
√ Commit to only using digital devices where others can see you. At work and at home, orient computers and other digital devices so the screens are publicly visible. With portable digital devices, use them only in public places when others are around. (Recovering sex addicts need to understand that using these devices in private, even for a legitimate nonsexual purpose, is a gray area activity that could easily trigger the desire to act out.)
√ Create reminders of why you want to change your behavior. Use pictures of your spouse or kids as background imagery on your digital devices. Use your wedding song or your spouse’s voice as your ringtone, etc. (Visual and auditory reminders of what sex addicts stand to lose can be powerful motivation for change.)
√ Purchase and install “parental control software.” (These filtering, blocking, tracking, and accountability software products prevent access to problematic online venues and monitor a person’s overall use of digital devices, typically providing reports to an accountability partner. See the Resources chapter for more information on these products.)
√ Create and implement a plan for sexual sobriety. (This plan is best developed working in conjunction with the accountability partner. It will likely take the form of a sexual boundary plan. Sexual boundary plans are discussed at length as this chapter progresses.)
Sexual Sobriety Versus Sexual Abstinence
Sexual addicts in the early stages of recovery and healing typically have little to no idea what the term “sexual sobriety” actually means. Many worry that sexual sobriety mirrors chemical sobriety, where permanent abstinence from all mood altering substances is required. In fact, sex addicts new to treatment often pose some form of the following question: “Will I still get to have a regular sex life?” or “Do I have to give up sex forever?” This question is usually followed by a statement like: “If I have to give up sex permanently, then you can forget about me staying in recovery.” And who would fault them for this as sex is, after all, a natural life affirming activity?
Fortunately, unlike sobriety for alcoholism and drug addiction, sexual sobriety is not defined by long-term abstinence. Instead, sexual addiction treatment addresses sobriety much as it is handled with eating disorders, another area in which long-term abstinence is simply not feasible. Essentially, instead of permanently abstaining from all sexual activity, recovering sex addicts learn to define and avoid being compulsive, problematic, objectified sexual behavior.
That said, sex addicts new to treatment and recovery are often asked to take a short timeout (usually thirty days or so) from all sexual behaviors, including masturbation during which they begin the process of healing. This brief period of total sexual abstinence is suggested because most have lost touch with reality when it comes to sexual behavior, and they therefore can find it incredibly difficult to distinguish between healthy and problematic attractions, flirtations, and, of course, sex. This period of temporary celibacy provides recovering sex addicts, working with a therapist or some other accountability partner, a chance to develop some clarity about which of their sexual behaviors are addictive and which are not. Sex addicts can also use this time to dismantle denial, to learn what their triggers are, and to develop healthy coping skills that they can turn to instead of acting out.
In much the same way that drug detox is a first step toward recovery from a substance addiction, this short period of complete sexual abstinence—a “detox” from addictive sex—is a first step toward recovery from sexual addiction. This time away from sex (along with flirting, porn, cruising, emotional affairs, etc.), interrupts long-established patterns of compulsive sexual behavior while clarity, ego strength, social skills, support networks, and new coping skills are developed. Again, celibacy is not a long-term goal. In truth, the heavy lifting of sex addiction recovery is not this period of self-restraint; but rather it’s the slow (re)introduction of healthy sexuality and intimacy into the addict’s life that takes the most work. In other words, the true goal of sexual recovery and sexual sobriety is not sexual celibacy; it’s learning to meet one’s emotional and physical needs without having to run to problematic sexual behavior as a quick fix for deeper issues.
Crafting a Personalized Definition
of Sexual Sobriety
When George, a thirty-seven-year-old musician, first sought help for sexual addiction, he didn’t actually know what his goals were, or how he wanted his future life to look. He knew that his nightly ritual of hiring a prostitute after performing at a local club was problematic and that his secrecy around this behavior was driving a wedge between him and his wife. He admitted in treatment that he’d tried numerous times to stop seeing prostitutes, but he could never seem to manage for more than a week. George started his work by writing a non-graphic, but nonetheless fearless and complete sexual history, which he then read it to his accountability partner. This offered him objective insight into the reality of his problem. Thus, he was then more clear about what sexual behaviors needed to be entered onto his sobriety plan when he was asked to create one. And by then crafting (and being accountable to) this plan—writing down his problem activities, agreeing to abstain from those behaviors and finding someone to whom he would be accountable about his future sexual choices—that he was able to establish a foothold in recovery.
Many sex addicts new to the healing process openly wonder: “If sexual sobriety doesn’t require priest-like celibacy what does it require?” Interestingly, there is no cut-and-dried answer to this question. Each sex addict arrives in recovery with a unique life history and set of problems, along with highly individualized goals for his or her future life. Thus, each sex addict, with the help of his or her therapist or some other accountability partner, must craft a personalized version of sexual sobriety.
To create a personalized version of sexual sobriety, sex addicts must first delineate the sexual behaviors that do and do not compromise and/or destroy their values (fidelity, not hurting others, etc.), life circumstances (keeping a job, not getting arrested, etc.), and relationships. Sex addicts then commit in a written sexual sobriety contract*** to only engage in sexual behaviors that are nonproblematic (for them). As long as their sexual behavior does not violate these highly individualized boundaries, they are sexually sober. It is important that these plans be put in writing, and that they clearly define the addict’s bottom-line problem behaviors. Murky plans lead to murky recovery as does lack of accountability.
***A sample can be found at the end of this chapter.
Once again, the definition of sexual sobriety, because it takes into account each person’s values, beliefs, goals, and life circumstances, is different for every sex addict. For instance, sexual sobriety for twenty-eight-year-old single gay men will probably look very different than sexual sobriety for a forty-eight-year-old married father of three. The goal is not conformity; the goal is a non-compulsive, non-secretive, non-shaming sexual life.
Crafting a Sexual Boundary Plan
Written sexual sobriety contracts often take the form of sexual boundary plans. These plans define and set limits on which sexual behaviors are and not acceptable for each individual sex addict. Typically, the process of crafting a sexual boundary plan begins with a statement of goals. Essentially, sex addicts list the primary reasons they want to change their sexual behavior. A few commonly stated goals include:
√ I want to spend my free time having fun with friends and family.
√ I don’t want to cheat on or keep secrets from my spouse.
√ I want to be present in the real world and find a loving relationship instead of living my life online.
√ I don’t want to abuse pornography ever again.
√ I don’t want to break the law anymore (prostitutes, viewing illicit images).
√ I want to feel like a whole, integrated, healthy person, living my life with integrity, not lies and manipulations.
√ I don’t want to worry about STD’s anymore.
Once an addict’s goals for recovery are clearly stated, he or she can move forward with the creation of a personalized sexual sobriety plan, utilizing these preestablished goals as an overall guide. Sometimes sexual sobriety plans are simple, straightforward statements like, “I will not engage in sexual infidelity no matter what,” or, “I will not view pornography of any kind.” More often, though, sex addicts require a more elaborate set of guidelines, typically a three-tiered plan, constructed as follows:
The Inner Boundary: This is the addict’s bottom-line definition of sexual sobriety. Here a sex addict lists specific sexual behaviors (not thoughts or fantasies) that are causing problems in his or her life and that he or she therefore needs to stop. In other words, this boundary lists the damaging and troublesome acts that have created negative life consequences and incomprehensible demoralization for the addict. If the addict engages in inner boundary behaviors, he or she has “slipped” and will need to reset his or her sobriety clock (while also doing a thorough examination of what led to the slip). A few common inner boundary behaviors are:
• Paying for sex
• Calling an ex for sex
• Going online for porn at work, home, or on my phone
• Engaging in webcam sex (paid or free)
• Getting sensual massages or hiring prostitutes
• Hooking up for casual and/or anonymous sex
• Having affairs
• Exhibiting oneself (online and/or real world)
• Using apps to hook-up with strangers
The Middle Boundary: This boundary lists warning signs and slippery situations that might lead a sex addict back to inner boundary activities (acting out). Here the addict lists the people, places, thoughts/fantasies, events, and experiences that might trigger his or her desire to act out sexually. In addition to obvious potential triggers (logging on to the Internet when alone, driving through a neighborhood where prostitutes hang out, downloading a hookup app, etc.), this list should include things that might indirectly trigger a desire to act out (working long hours, arguing with a spouse or boss, keeping secrets, worrying about finances, family holidays, etc.). A few common middle boundary items are:
• Skipping therapy and/or a support group meeting
• Lying (about anything), especially to a loved one
• Poor self-care (lack of sleep, eating poorly, forgoing exercise, etc.)
• Working more hours than usual or more intensely than usual
• Spending time with family of origin (holidays, reunions, etc.)
• Finding myself pushing those close to me away (irritability, fighting, creating unnecessary drama)
• Fighting and/or arguing with anyone, especially with loved ones
• Unstructured time alone
• Traveling alone (for any reason) without a plan to remain accountable
• Feeling lonely and unloved
• Feeling bored and restless
The Outer Boundary: This boundary lists healthy behaviors and activities that can and hopefully will lead a sex addict toward his or her life goals, including things not at all limited to having a healthy, nondestructive sex life. These healthy pleasures are what the addict can turn to as a replacement for sexual acting out. Outer boundary activities may be immediate and concrete, such as “working on my house,” or long-term and less tangible, such as “redefining my career goals.” In all cases, the list should reflect a healthy combination of work community, recovery, and play. If going to a support group three or more times per week, exercising daily, and seeing a therapist one or more times per week are on the list, then spending time with friends, enjoying a hobby, and just plain relaxing should also be on the list. A few common (sample) outer boundary behaviors are:
• Spending more time with family, especially kids
• Reconnecting with old friends
• Rekindling an old hobby (or developing a new one)
• Getting in shape (exercise)—especially joining a team or group activity
• Getting regular sleep
• Working no more than eight hours per day
• Rejoining and becoming active in church/temple, etc.
• Going back to school
• Working on the house and yard—catching up on delayed plans
• Doing volunteer work
Once again, and I can’t stress this enough, every sex addict is different. Each addict has a unique life history, singular goals, and specific problematic sexual behaviors. Therefore, every sexual boundary plan is different. Behaviors that are deeply troubling for one sex addict may be perfectly acceptable for another, and vice versa. As such, there is no set formula for defining and living sexual sobriety. The key is for each addict to be totally, completely, and brutally honest when formulating his or her boundary plan.
It is important to also state that sexual boundary plans are about much more than staying away from inner boundary items (problem behaviors).Yes, eliminating problem behaviors is a primary and ongoing goal of recovery, but as the plan itself suggests,there is much more involved with the healing process than simply eliminating problem behaviors. That part should be considered a given. Over the long term, recovering from sexual addiction is much more about truly learning how to enjoy your life, while healthfully coping with its daily ups and downs. After all, the outer boundary (above) defines the way in which the addict wants to live his or her life. Put simply, no addict ever fully recovers simply by not doing certain things. The flip side is equally important. The more positive things a person does to feel good about his or herself and life, the better their life will be.
When first crafted, sexual boundary plans typically look airtight. However, they usually are not. And even when they are, many sex addicts find ways to manipulate and work around their plans. Knowing this, it is wise to keep the following tips in mind when constructing and implementing a sexual sobriety plan.
√ Be clear and specific. Boundary plans are intended to define sexual sobriety and to provide a plan for a healthier, happier life. They are written and signed as contracts as a way to hold sex addicts accountable to their commitments, particularly in the face of challenging circumstances. When sex addicts lack clearly written boundaries, they are vulnerable to deciding in the moment that certain activities are okay for now even though they’ve been wildly problematic in the past. Remember, impulsive sexual decisions made without clear guidelines are what dragged the addict down in the first place, so it’s best to not leave any wiggle room in sobriety, especially in the first year.
√ Be flexible (over time). Boundary plans are not set in stone. In fact, recovering sex addicts often spend a month or two (or a year or two) with a particular set of boundaries and then realize that their plan needs adjustment. (Recent developments in digital technology have forced many long-sober sex addicts to revise their boundary plans.) That said, changing a boundary plan is never something an addict should do on his or her own. Making changes should always involve input from the addict’s therapist, twelve-step sponsor, and/or accountability partner. Changes to boundary plans are not made just because some “special situation” presents itself and the addict decides, in the moment, to make a change. Such behavior is not called “changing the plan,” it’s called “acting out.”
√ Be honest. Creating effective boundary plans requires complete and brutal honesty on the part of not just the addict, but his or her advisors. Let’s face it, if an addict is looking to justify the continuation of a particular behavior, even though he or she knows that it no longer serves a healthy purpose, that person can nearly always find someone to sign off on it (or at least to agree that it’s not a big deal). It is important to remember here that the purpose of creating a sexual boundary plan is not to justify and rationalize problematic behaviors (or even watered-down versions of those activities), the purpose is to end sexual acting out and the incomprehensible demoralization it brings.
√ Consider others. Sex addicts who develop their boundary plans while single often find that they need to revise their plans if/when they enter into a serious relationship. Sex addicts already in long-term relationships need to consider how their new boundaries will affect their partner. Explaining to that person the reasons for these seemingly sudden changes in intimate relating will usually soften the impact.
Do Sex Addicts Experience Withdrawal?
It is common knowledge that alcoholics and drug addicts, when they suddenly go “cold turkey,” often experience withdrawal, things like: delirium tremens (the DTs), chills, fevers, insomnia, night sweats, headaches, nausea, diarrhea, tachycardia (elevated heart rate), hypertension, depression, agitation, anxiety, hallucinations, irritability, and the like. Withdrawal from some substances is worse than withdrawal from others. Opiate addiction (including addiction to heroin) and alcoholism tend to produce the worst physical symptoms. Sometimes these symptoms can actually be life-threatening if not medically managed.1
Typically, substance addicts dealing with severe physical withdrawal symptoms are “titrated” off their drug of choice, meaning they are given a medication that “manages” their withdrawal by temporarily replacing their addictive drug of choice, and then they are slowly but steadily weaned off of that medication. Usually this process takes anywhere from a few days to a few weeks.
But what about sexual addiction. Do sex addicts get the DTs and hallucinate the same as alcoholics and heroin addicts? Typically they do not. This does not, however, mean that a sudden stoppage of addictive sexual fantasy and activity does not produce withdrawal. In fact, it nearly always does to some degree. Most often withdrawal from sexual addiction manifests as one or more of the following:
√ Irritability, anxiety, agitation, depression, etc.: Most sex addicts experience extreme emotional discomfort in early sobriety. And why not? After all, addictive sexuality has been their primary way of coping with any and all discomfort—including feelings as seemingly benign as boredom—for years on end. When the addiction is taken away, they no longer have this easy means of numbing out and escaping. And without that, they must face their emotions head-on. For people who’ve been trying to “not feel” for years or even decades, this can be an incredibly uncomfortable experience both for them and those around them.
√ A desire to explore other potential addictions: Many sex addicts new to recovery find themselves replacing (or longing to replace) their sexual addiction with some other compulsive (and highly distracting) activity. Sometimes this manifests as a cross-addiction. For instance, a sex addict who suddenly stops acting out experiences a corresponding flood of uncomfortable emotions (as discussed above), and without compulsive sexuality to stem the tide, he or she may turn to drinking, drugging, smoking, eating, gambling, spending, or any other pleasurable substance or behavior. Knowing this, it is incredibly important that recovering sex addicts keep a watchful eye on other pleasure inducing behaviors, especially in the first few months of the recovery process.
√ Loneliness and longing for connection: For most sex addicts, sexual acting out masks not only day-to-day stress and emotional discomfort, but underlying issues related to a longing for intimacy. Without the constant distraction of sexual fantasy and activity, this longer-term condition can rise to the surface and cause intense feelings of loneliness, fear, isolation, and unhappiness. These feelings are perfectly normal and to be expected. After all, sex addicts are grieving the loss of their primary long-term relationship (their addiction), and they naturally feel a need to replace it.
In the Beginning—It Takes Work
In early sexual sobriety, even the smallest annoyance can feel like a major issue. Without their go-to coping mechanism, recovering sex addicts have a tendency to overreact and blow up. They get angry with themselves and others, they cry, get defensive, they’re afraid, they’re lonely, etc. As such, sex addicts in early recovery are not always fun to be around. This is their emotional withdrawal.
Conversely, some sex addicts experience the opposite of withdrawal in early recovery. This is known as the honeymoon or the pink cloud. These lucky individuals find that when they embark on the path of healing, they suddenly lose all desire to act out sexually. They are fascinated by the insight they are developing, and thrilled to have finally found a solution to their deepest problem and someone to help.
This temporary phase of early recovery is great while it lasts. However, sex addicts who are riding the pink cloud should be aware that their desire to sexually act out will return, and it may be stronger than ever when it does. If this eventuality is not anticipated and prepared for, it is easy to either relapse or to think that something has gone wrong in the healing process. In reality, there is no need for relapse, and nothing is amiss with recovery. Instead, this is a normal part of the process and the addict is simply experiencing a delayed form of withdrawal.
Any sex addict who recognizes that he or she is experiencing symptoms of withdrawal should talk about those feelings with a supportive person who is knowledgeable about the sex addiction cycle. Most often this person will be a therapist, a twelve-step sponsor, or a friend in recovery. It is often useful to be evaluated for depression or anxiety by a medical professional. Close friends not in recovery and family members can also be helpful. If symptoms of withdrawal are extreme (especially depression, dissociation, and/or anxiety), a licensed mental health professional should be consulted as soon as possible. Severe unchecked withdrawal symptoms can lead not only to sex addiction relapse but to other forms of serious self-harm.
