Jamie, a single, thirty-three-year-old chiropractor now in sexual recovery for almost two years, has gained significant clarity about his addiction. He says, “My cybersex problems didn’t come just because I had a laptop and an iPhone. I see now that I had issues with sex long before I discovered webcams and hookup apps. But once I got online, it got out of hand pretty quickly because suddenly I had access to the world’s biggest singles bar. Unfortunately, I got so caught up in my online fantasies that I slowly lost focus in things like my job, my friends, my family, and taking care of myself in general. Basically, my life came apart at the seams and I didn’t really see how bad it was until my brother and sister stepped in and forced me to get help. At first I was really angry with them, but now I feel incredibly grateful that they did this. Today I have a new job, a really nice apartment, and I’ve started dating. I haven’t found the right person yet, but that’s okay because I’m probably not ready for a long-term relationship anyway. But I will be someday, thanks to my recovery, and I’m really looking forward to that.
For most sex addicts in the process of healing, sexual recovery has distinct stages that are moved through in fits and starts. For instance, in the first few weeks and months of healing, sex addicts are typically focused on the basic steps of separating themselves from both their denial and problematic behaviors, defining what sexual sobriety means for them, developing and implementing a personalized sexual boundary plan, and finding useful therapeutic assistance. As recovery progresses and sex addicts become more comfortable living within the bounds of their personalized plan for sexual recovery, things like friendships and romantic relationships become more important.
As discussed throughout this book, sexual addiction, at its core, is little more than a maladaptive attempt to simply feel okay in an individual who struggles with shame, self-esteem, intimacy, and emotional self-regulation. When viewed this way, it is easy to understand that long-term recovery must address these issues in meaningful ways. In other words, the keys to lasting sexual sobriety lie beyond the formation of a sexual boundary plan. Long-term healing is a lot about creating and deepening the kinds of the relationships required for long-term accountability. As such, sex addicts who truly desire long-term sexual sobriety and a better life will agree to be fully honest with and take advice from other people. Sometimes they may be asked to implement constraints that irk them, that they may not see a need for, and becoming accountable for their actions to people they barely even know, all because they truly wish to heal from their addiction.
The good news is that even those who are merely going through the motions of sexual sobriety to appease others—a spouse, a boss, legal authorities, etc.—can benefit from the early machinations of recovery. Even if they continue to act out in secret, as many of these individuals choose to do, they still, at the very least, become aware that active sexual addiction becomes harder and harder to conceal, and that living a double life grows ever more stressful. They also tend to see that over time compulsive sexual behavior becomes less and less enjoyable, and less and less effective as a means of emotional self-soothing.
In Alcoholics Anonymous they sometimes say that nothing is worse than a belly full of booze and a head full of recovery. This is also true with sexual addiction. Once the addict knows that he or she has a problem, compulsive sexual behaviors lose their appeal. As soon as the addict’s denial begins to crack, sexually addictive behaviors can never again occur without at least a tiny understanding that “this is a very bad idea and I really need to stop.”
Eventually, of course, sex addicts must fully commit to a recovery process (like it or not) or they will continue sliding into the ever-deepening downward spiral of their addiction. Those who opt for the former nearly always find that by taking steady steps forward, their lives steadily get better. And those who opt for the latter nearly always experience a continuing and ever-escalating series of negative life consequences. If they are lucky, they may eventually return to the recovery and healing process with a true commitment to change.
Progress, Not Perfection:
Understanding Slips and Relapse
Jonathan, a forty-nine-year-old chemist, entered outpatient treatment and twelve-step recovery for sexual addiction after more than a decade of sexual acting out left him emotionally exhausted and borderline suicidal. In the beginning, he attended individual and group therapy every week, never missing a session, and twelve-step meetings on the days he was not in treatment. In addition to completing his therapy assignments and starting to work the twelve steps with his Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) sponsor, he began to journal pray and meditate on a regular basis. Over time, he started to view his sexual acting out as a symptom of a difficult time in his life that was now past, rather than something that he needed to deal with on a daily basis. After nine months away from compulsive sexual behaviors, he started to ease up on his program of recovery, not going to twelve-step meetings as often, skipping therapy sessions, and choosing not to check in with his sponsor when he was supposed to. Finally, one Saturday after a hectic workweek, he thought, I should really just relax today and take some time for me. I deserve it. So instead of going to his Saturday morning SAA meeting, he slept in. And when he finally rolled out of bed, he decided to go online just to “prove to himself” that he had things under control. Within minutes, he’d arranged to meet a stranger for sex.
What Went Wrong?
Sadly, slips and relapses are common, almost expected, in early recovery from sexual addiction. As such, it is important for sex addicts (and their loved ones) in the process of healing to understand that temporarily backsliding into the psychological pull of addiction, as Jonathan did, is not the end of the world, nor does it mean they’ve failed. Instead, it is a learning opportunity and a chance to reaffirm and hopefully strengthen their commitment to living differently in the future. Yes, some sex addicts are lucky. They create their boundary plans and stick to them right from the start. However, most experience at least a few bumps in the road, slipping or relapsing at least once or twice. Something no spouse ever wants to hear or accept, but nonetheless is important to acknowledge and accept provided the addict remains honest about their struggles. Either way, the process of recovery and healing is about progress rather than perfection. No addict ever recovers perfectly, nor should any sex addict ever expect to do so. Note that this statement is not an excuse to slip.
Sex addicts should also be aware that slips and relapses are not the same thing. Let’s take a look at the differences here:
Slip: This is a brief, mostly unintended return to addiction. Sometimes an unexpected stressor or a poorly constructed sexual-boundary plan that leads toward and not away from triggers can lead to a slip. A slip can be managed and contained by immediate and honest disclosure. After a slip, recovering sex addicts must tell others—therapists, twelve-step sponsors, accountability partners, spouses, and supportive friends in recovery (including their spouses!)—about the event if they hope to get back on track. Like it or not, honesty is absolutely key here to prevent progression of the disorder!
Relapse: By definition, a relapse is a series of slips that occur one after another, most often because an addict keeps that first one secret, choosing to minimize, rationalize, hide and/or justify his or her behavior over integrity and honesty. Their secrets and hiding then set the stage for a full range of relapse behaviors to occur with increasing frequency and intensity. Before long the addict is back where he or she started: struggling with full-blown, out-of-control sexual addiction.
Common warning signs for slips and relapse include:
√ Overconfidence: “This is going really well. Maybe I have the problem licked.”
√ Denial: “See, I can stop my sexual acting out without any trouble. Now that I’ve proved this, I can look at porn like a normal person, without worrying about consequences.”
√ Isolation: “I can handle this on my own. I don’t need to go to therapy or twelve-step meetings, and I don’t need to be in constant contact with other recovering sex addicts.”
√ Blaming: “If my spouse hadn’t gotten that new job that takes up so much of his/her time and energy, I wouldn’t feel like I need to go online to socialize.”
√ Making Excuses: “I know that being alone with my computer is a danger zone, but I need to stay late at the office to finish this important project.”
√ Setting Up Slippery Situations: “The buffet at that Chinese restaurant across the street from where the prostitutes hang out is really good, so I’m going to have lunch there alone today.”
√ Minimizing: “I’m only looking at a little porn. It’s not like I’ve gone back to having affairs with real people.”
√ Ignoring or Devaluing Feedback from Supportive Others: “The people in my therapy group and my twelve-step group just want to control me. The stuff they want me to do might work for them, but they really don’t understand me and my situation.”
√ Feeling Victimized: “I don’t understand why I have to deprive myself when everybody else can look at porn and have webcam sex without fear or problems.”
√ Rationalizing: “It’s okay for me to ‘step out’ when I’m traveling for work or on vacation. My ‘rules for sobriety’ don’t count when I’m in a different state and besides, no one will know.”
√ Ignoring Previously Agreed-Upon Guidelines: “I know that I promised my wife I wouldn’t look at porn or flirt with other women on hookup apps, but what she doesn’t know can’t hurt her.”
√ Feeling Entitled: “I’ve worked really hard in my recovery for six months, and I’ve been pulling double duty at work, and nobody seems to appreciate the effort I’m putting in. I deserve a little something just for me.”
As mentioned above, slips and relapse are not the end of the world, though they often feel like failures and feel shameful to discuss. Rather than looking at these events as disasters with no solution, recovering sex addicts (and their support networks) should view them as the growth opportunities that they truly are. In other words, setbacks should be treated as problems to be explored and solved rather than personal failures. As such, after a slip or relapse, addicts, working with knowledgeable others, can (step by step) explore the “stinking thinking” that led to their backslide, identify the trigger or triggers that pushed them over the edge, and devise ways in which they can handle themselves differently in the future if the same or a similar situation arises. They should also explore other situations in which they might relapse, planning for ways to cope there as well. If necessary, they can tighten up their sexual boundary plan.
No matter what, any recovering addict who finds himself or herself in the midst of a slip or relapse should immediately get honest about what’s going on, confessing to his or her therapist, spouse, twelve-step sponsor, and social support group. Recovering sex addicts establish these loving and empathetic connections for a reason; now is the time to use them. If a sex addict in the midst of a slip or relapse is unable or unwilling to ask for help, and full own up to their challenges, his or her downward slide will almost certainly continue. If, however, that person reaches out and asks for assistance, he or she can save his or her sexual sobriety, along with the good life that accompanies it.
Basic Tools of Sexual Recovery
(i.e., Coping Mechanisms)
Unfortunately for sex addicts, sexual triggers are unavoidable, as sex is so thoroughly baked into our consumer culture. In today’s world, anyone, anywhere, anytime can be triggered into sexual desire: driving past one sexy billboard after another, seeing someone showing just a bit too much skin at the mall, sitting in the stands at a kid’s soccer match, picking up a magazine at a friend’s house, hanging out at a neighborhood party, attending a work event, taking the dog for a walk, going to the movies, working out, sitting at home watching TV, picking up a cell phone, driving through a particular neighborhood, etc. Triggers are endless in number and variety, and there is quite literally nothing to be done about this beyond learning what it feels like to be triggered and how to implement healthier (i.e., nonaddictive) coping choices when needed.
When sex addicts are triggered, it is important that they have a “recovery toolbox” that they can reach into in their moment of crisis. After all, utilizing one or more healthy coping mechanisms (tools of recovery) is the only consistently effective way to short-circuit the addictive cycle. A few essential tools for recovering sex addicts include (but are not even remotely limited to) the following:
√ Utilizing a Recovery or Accountability Partner: Addiction is best chased into remission by honesty, vulnerability, and transparency with another person who is aware of the problem and utilized as a sounding board, support person, co-decision-maker (around sexual and romantic choices), etc. To go it alone most often means remaining addicted or trading one addiction for another. It takes practice and hard work to consistently reach out to another person for direction, especially when related to sexual decision-making (private, personal etc.). But it must be done and with the right person; someone who is non-shaming, but unafraid to give unfiltered, honest feedback. Addicts are far too good at convincing themselves that things are “okay” whereas a neutral, caring outsider would clearly not see them as “okay.” Therapists, sponsors, long-term friends, and clergy often can serve in this role. As stated, it is best to not give this task to a spouse or romantic partner, as they are too personally involved to be neutral and nonjudgmental when giving direction and advice.
√ The Sexual Boundary Plan: Sexual boundary plans are created for several reasons—helping addicts to understand the nature of their addiction and to define their personal version of sexual sobriety, identifying “slippery” areas to watch out for, and providing addicts with guidance when they are triggered and unsure of what to do next. Many sex addicts carry printed or digitized versions of their boundary plan with them at all times. That way, if/when addicts feel triggered, they can look at their inner boundary and see that a particular behavior is prohibited. More important, they can look at the outer boundary and find a handy list of alternative activities. For most sex addicts, even a quick glance at certain outer boundary items—“re-earn the respect and trust of my wife and kids,” for instance—is enough to halt the addictive cycle.
√ Twelve-Step Sexual Recovery Meetings: To maintain long-term recovery, sex addicts need places where they can talk openly and honestly, without fear of judgment, about their addiction, including when, where, why, and how they are sometimes triggered. This is doubly true after they’ve been triggered and then struggled to halt the addictive cycle. By far, the most readily available safe (empathetic, nonjudgmental, and relatively private) place to do this is before, during, and/or after group therapy and/or a twelve-step sexual recovery meeting. Put simply, one of the most powerful tools in the box is talking to another recovering sex addict. And if no meeting is taking place at that moment, addicts can turn to their group’s phone list and call anyone on it. Having this handy list of phone numbers of supportive friends in recovery is essential when addicts have an urge to act out, when they need immediate help in a crisis, or when they simply want support and guidance from someone who “speaks their language.”
√ HALT: This is an acronym for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. Any of these simple conditions can leave an addict more vulnerable than usual to acting out. Let’s face it, even healthy, non-addicted people tend to behave in ways they might later regret when their judgment is clouded by hunger, anger, loneliness, or exhaustion. The trick here is for addicts to recognize and address these needs when they arise, rather than simply lumping them in with every other form of emotional discomfort that they don’t want to experience (and once tried to avoid by acting out sexually). As such, especially when triggered in early recovery, sex addicts must learn to HALT and ask themselves: When is the last time I ate? Did I get enough sleep last night? Is there some conflict in my life that I need to resolve? Would a few minutes spent talking with someone who understands me help me feel better? More often than not, a catnap, a candy bar, or a five minute phone conversation will greatly diminish the desire to sexually act out.
√ Self-Care: It can be difficult to think of someone who is having a great deal of sex as being “deprived.” But it is a fact that most active addicts of all stripes can and will ignore even their most basic physical needs (eating, sleeping, daily showers, etc.) in order to remain engaged in their addiction of choice. Thus a defined routine of self-care that is inclusive of diet, exercise, medical check-ups, recreation, and fun (alone and with others) are as important to keeping an addiction in check as are all the don’ts and don’ts and can’ts that are in place to discourage problem behavior.
√ “Bookending” Difficult Events: Sometimes sex addicts are triggered unexpectedly. Other times, triggers can be anticipated long in advance. For instance, attending a social engagement where people will be looking their best and drinking alcohol is an obvious potential trigger for most sex addicts. Knowing this, addicts can arrange to “bookend” such an event with phone calls to their therapist, twelve-step sponsor, accountability partner, and/or another supportive person in recovery. During the “before” call, an addict commits to sobriety, and he or she may even discuss plans to avoid relapse in this particular situation. The “after” call provides an opportunity to discuss what happened, what feelings came up, and what the addict might need to do differently next time. (The practice of bookending also helps with the “lonely” portion of HALT.)
√ Practicing Gratitude: Sex addicts have typically used their sexual fantasies and behaviors to numb themselves for so long that they’ve forgotten how to experience emotions—especially uncomfortable ones like anxiety, depression, shame, fear, and the like—in a healthy way. Sometimes, especially early in the recovery process, sex addicts can become overwhelmed by those feelings and lose sight of what is going right in their lives. A great way to combat this is to create a gratitude list. Writing a ten-item gratitude list nearly always counteracts almost any trigger and halts the addictive cycle. For some sex addicts, every gratitude list begins the same way: “I am grateful to be sober at this moment.” A side benefit of gratitude is that it promotes happiness. As my colleague Brené Brown notes in her book, Daring Greatly, gratitude and joy are inextricably linked.1 After conducting quite literally thousands of in-depth interviews examining the causes and underlying factors of happiness, Dr. Brown found one primary difference between happy people and unhappy people: happy people are grateful for what they have. Period. People who are grateful for what they have tend to focus on their strengths rather than their weaknesses, and they are in general more hopeful, less stressed-out, less likely to wallow in shame and depression, and more likely to recover from an addiction.
The Three-Second Rule
Sex addicts (just like the rest of us) are not in control of the thoughts and ideas that pop into their minds at any given moment. What they can control, however, is how they act when they unexpectedly encounter problematic thoughts, triggers, or ideas. For instance, after recognizing that there is an unexpectedly attractive or seductively dressed person on the street, for example, they can train themselves to do the following, rather than allowing themselves to “get into” addiction thinking (try it, it works well).
1st Second—Take one second to acknowledge that this is an attractive person or situation that you find arousing and a turn on (sexual attraction is a natural part of being human that must be acknowledged, not shamed or avoided).
2nd Second—Look away. Look down or away, take this second to appreciate the sky, your surroundings, anything other than the object of your desire. Let yourself be aware that you are struggling; that you would rather keep staring at that person or get something (sexual) going with them or someone else. Allow the feeling, but instead of acting on it, take an opposite action by choosing to look away.
3rd Second—While still looking away, imagine in your mind that person as someone’s daughter, granddaughter, nephew, son, etc. See them (in your mind, not by looking at them a second time) as a genuine, spiritual, real person, worthy of love, who doesn’t deserve to be used sexually or romantically and then thrown away.
Then keep moving on. By allowing the feeling, choosing to turn away and then de-objectifying the person, you get to stay in the world and feel okay about yourself, as a healthy person with healthy sexual desires, who does not act on them every time you feel them, and as someone who appreciates that people are people, not objects. The more addicts practice this simple exercise the easier it becomes to “be” in the world with less temptation and more hope.
Obviously, the half-dozen tools listed above are hardly the full kit. Journaling, written twelve-step work, ongoing outreach to others in recovery, twelve-step sponsorship (both giving and receiving), reading recovery-related literature, changing old routines, developing healthy hobbies, prayer, meditation, and just plain “thinking it through” are just a few of the hundreds of other tools that sex addicts can use to combat their addictive patterns.
The “Recovery Value” of
Guilt and Shame
Harvey, a forty-year-old, soon-to-be divorced father of one, struggles with pornography, hookup apps, and prostitutes. Six months ago, Harvey contracted an STD, which he then passed to his wife. That’s how she found out about his behaviors. But even that didn’t stop him. And after his wife moved out, taking their daughter with her, Harvey’s behavior escalated even further to the point of his feeling suicidal. Now in treatment, he says, “I see that when my sexual problems started to take off I felt bad about what I was doing, but I still thought I was a decent person. As my behaviors progressed, though, my perception of myself changed. By the time I found out that I had given my wife a disease, I honestly felt like I was a bad person so there was no point in trying to change. I thought I deserved all the punishment and misery I was about to experience, and that belief made it easier for me to just keep digging a deeper hole.” Now that Harvey is several months sober, he is working on his self-image in addition to containing his sexual behaviors.
Sadly, sex addicts often feel shame (about who they are), rather than guilt (about what they have done). Meaning that they feel as if something within themselves is the cause and crux of their problem, as if they are flawed in some deeply meaningful way and therefore doomed to a life of misery, isolation, and regrettable behaviors. Oftentimes sex addicts in the process of healing need a great deal of time before they can even begin to understand that they are not inherently defective, that it was their maladaptive choices and not their true selves that caused their addiction and its related negative consequences. Time is also needed for them to gain insight and empathy into the pain they have caused others. The good news is that once recovering addicts finally begin to understand that they are good people who’ve behaved badly, rather than bad people who are just doing what bad people do, the process of healing begins to accelerate.
It is important to note, once again, that guilt and shame are very different, especially from the standpoint of recovery and healing. In fact, when a sex addict experiences guilt (rather than shame) after violating his or her core values—especially when the behavior has harmed not only the addict but other people—it shows that the addict does indeed have a moral compass. Even better, the supposedly negative emotion of guilt can be a catalyst for long-term behavior change and lasting sexual sobriety. Essentially, the desire to not experience the emotional pain wrought by guilt healthfully encourages all of us to not repeat past mistakes, while also helping us develop empathy for others and a desire to make amends to those who’ve been harmed.
Unfortunately, many sex addicts live with profound internalized feelings of shame and self-loathing that are tied more to their inherent sense of self than to any specific activities or behaviors. These individuals often feel like bad, unlovable people, and that their problematic sexual behavior simply serves as proof of this fact. When this occurs, a phenomenon generally referred to as a shame spiral or narcissistic withdrawal prevents sex addicts from seeing past their self loathing, thereby pulling them further into depression and isolation—both of which are serious obstacles to healing.
The prevalence of shame spirals among sex addicts is one of the (many) reasons that social support is such an important element of the healing process. Put simply, shame does not occur in a vacuum. Instead, it occurs between people, and it therefore heals best between people. In fact, numerous studies have shown that discussing a traumatic/shaming event with a supportive person or people greatly reduces its short- and long-term negative effects.2 Dr. John Briere, a long-time leader in the field of trauma/shame research and treatment, has consistently stressed that it is not any specific traumatic event that causes the most stress and damage, it’s how that event is handled within the family/community.3 Dr. Briere and many other clinicians have found that when traumatized and shamed people share their most difficult experiences—the events that leave them feeling defective, unworthy, and unlovable—even long after the fact, their stress levels decrease, and their overall mental and physical health improves.4
Of course, sharing about traumatic events and deep shame is, by nature, incredibly painful. As such, most people would “rather eat dirt” than talk about this stuff. Nevertheless, it is clear that shame, self-hatred, and self-loathing thrive in darkness but wither in sunlight. In other words, the best way to reduce the power of a shame-based self-image is to talk about shameful feelings and events with safe, supportive, empathetic others: the kinds of people that recovering sex addicts routinely encounter in sex-addiction-focused group therapy faith based and twelve-step sexual recovery groups.