Chapter-16

Recovery Resources, Support, and Education

Features to Look for in Filtering and Monitoring (Parental Control) Software Products

As mentioned repeatedly throughout this book, modern-day sexual addiction is a digitally driven endeavor. A decade or so ago, it was reasonable to suggest to sex addicts that they either stay away from computers altogether, or use them only in very limited circumstances. But that was then and this is now. In today’s world, digital technology is an increasingly essential part of healthy human interaction and connection, and the vast majority of recovering sex addicts can’t simply abstain or even significantly limit their use of it. The good news is that sex addicts can now fight fire with fire, installing “parental-control software” on their digital devices.

As the parental-control label suggests, these products were initially developed to protect children from unwanted online content and contacts. However, as the products have become more sophisticated over time, they have also become more versatile, and many are now quite useful to adults who struggle with online behaviors, including sexual behaviors.

Generally speaking, parental-control software products offer a combination of filtering/blocking and monitoring/accountability. The filtering portions of these programs offer variations of the following:

√ Customizable website filtering and blocking

√ Online search filtering and blocking

√ App filtering and blocking

√ Social media blocking

√ Instant message/chat blocking

√ File transfer blocking (preventing the sending and/or receiving of pictures, videos, and the like)

√ Video game filtering

√ Profanity blocking

The accountability features of these products typically include variations of the following:

√ Regular and on-demand reports (for the accountability partner)

√ Real-time alerts if the sex addict uses or attempts to use a digital device in a prohibited way

√ Log of websites visited

√ Log of online searches

√ Log of social networking sites utilized

√ Log of usernames and passwords

√ Log and/or transcript of IM and chat activity

√ Log and/or transcript of email activity

√ Screenshot playbacks

It is important to state that filtering and accountability products are not guarantees of sexual sobriety. In truth, a persistent and/or tech-savvy sex addict can nearly always find ways to circumvent even the best of these products. And if an addict is stumped by the software, he or she can just go out and buy a new digital device and then use it in secret. As such, filtering and accountability products should not be viewed as enforcers of recovery; instead they should be looked at as a tool of recovery that can help sex addicts maintain sobriety by reducing impulsive online behavior (through the filtering and blocking features), and rebuild trust (through the accountability and reporting features). Unsurprisingly, some of these products are better than others; annually updated reviews are posted on the website of the Sexual Recovery Institute at: sexualrecovery.com/online
-controls-for-sex-romance-addicts/.

Twelve-Step Sexual Recovery Groups Q&A

Q: I am concerned about being seen at these meetings and people talking about me because I have been there. How private is a twelve-step, sexual-recovery meeting?

A: While it is true that the meetings are not bound to the same level of confidentiality as a therapy group, all participants of twelve-step programs are committed to anonymity as a part of their own healing process. Many sex and love addiction recovery meetings are “closed,” meaning they are available only to sex and love addicts, which adds an extra layer of safety. In almost every case, the benefits of attending a meeting far outweigh the possible negative consequences. And remember, people who see you there don’t want to be talked about outside the meeting any more than you do.

Q: I don’t want to have to talk about myself publicly. Will they make me do this?

A: Other than introducing yourself by your first name only, participation in twelve-step meetings is entirely voluntary. No one will make you talk about anything that you don’t wish to divulge.

Q: I have heard that a lot of freaks and sex offenders go to these meetings. Is that true? My problems haven’t really hurt anybody other than myself, and I don’t think I will feel comfortable around a bunch of sex offenders.

A: A wide range of people attend sex and love addiction twelve-step recovery meetings, from those who are court-mandated to those whose behaviors harm no one but themselves. Believe it or not, there is something to be gained from hearing almost everyone’s story at the meetings. At the end of each meeting, you can decide whom you would like to get to know better and whose example you want to follow.

Q: I have heard that there is a lot of emphasis in these meetings on religion. I don’t feel comfortable with all that God stuff, and I certainly don’t want to trade my sexual problems for being involved in a cult. What’s the deal with this?

A: Twelve-step groups are definitely not cults. They do, however, use phrases like “higher power,” and “a power greater than ourselves,” to help addicts put their faith in something beyond their own best thinking. The word “God” is used as well, usually followed by the words “as we understand God,” creating a lot of leeway for those who struggle with organized religion and the “God of their childhood.” The reference to “God” in the Twelve Steps is not in any way directed toward a specific religion or belief system.

Q: I hear that more people get picked up for sex in those meetings than actually get well. Is that true?

A: If your goal is finding sex, you probably know by now that you can pretty much find it anywhere. If you go to a twelve-step meeting looking for the support of people who have long periods of sexual healing—people who can and will lend you a helping hand—then that is what you will find. If you go to a twelve-step meeting in hookup mode, you may be able to persuade someone to be sexual with you. In general, however, the meetings are safe, supportive places. That said, it is always best to get together with new members only in public, staying at the meeting places or perhaps a coffee shop. It is also best to avoid getting too involved with one member too quickly, as intense relationships are often a hallmark of sexual and romantic addiction.

Q: What is a sponsor and how do I choose one?

A: Sponsors are personal guides to healing and staying sober, usually not friends to begin with and never lovers. Typically, a sponsor is someone of the same gender who has been in recovery long enough to have achieved some success. He or she should be active in the recovery meetings and have worked through the Twelve Steps. In addition, a sponsor’s personal situation should somewhat match your own so that he or she can help guide you more individually. For example, if you are married with kids, a sponsor who is also married with kids might be preferable. If you are HIV-positive, it might be helpful to have an HIV-positive sponsor. You choose a sponsor by listening to various people at meetings until you hear someone whose message resonates with you. When you find someone you connect with, you simply approach that person before or after a meeting and ask, “Are you available to be a sponsor and, if so, would you like to have coffee and hear my story?” This is the best way to start. If that person says no, don’t take it personally or give up (you don’t know where they are on their recovery journey); just ask someone else.

Faith-Based Support Groups

Twelve-step groups are spiritual programs, but not religious. For people to whom a specific religion is important, there are multiple faith-based resources and strategies for healing. These can be used in conjunction with or separate from individual therapy, group therapy, and twelve-step programs. (Twelve-step programs are compatible with any religion.) Happily, there are many well-constructed and well-run faith-based recovery groups for sex and love addicts. The best of these programs focus on shame reduction, peer support, accountability, and hope.

I do not recommend faith-based programs that attempt to alter a sex addict’s behavior by shaming the person, or by insisting that prayer and spiritual study, in and of themselves, will fix the problem and eliminate the sexual acting out. Fortunately, many faith-based programs today are non-shaming, accountability-based, and highly supportive—recognizing that sex and love addicts are not “morally challenged people” who lack the willpower needed to control their sexual and romantic behaviors, but people dealing with serious emotional and psychological pain who need empathetic support and direction.

Basic Information About Interventionists

Once upon a time, interventionists focused almost completely on getting an addict into inpatient treatment. Little thought was given to the needs of the addict’s family, or to the addict’s post-rehab care. In recent years, however, intervention specialists have learned two very important lessons:

1) Addiction is a family disease, and if the entire family is not educated and (if/when necessary) treated, then the addict’s odds of relapse increase significantly. In other words, if the addict returns from inpatient treatment to the same exact environment that triggered and enabled his or her addiction in the first place, relapse is likely.

2) There is no cure for addiction. Instead, like other chronic diseases, remission involves a lifelong effort. People with diabetes must watch what they eat, monitor their insulin levels, and perhaps take medication for life. If they fail to do so, their disease will get worse. And usually that occurs relatively rapidly. Sex addiction is the same. Recovery is a lifelong process.

Recognizing these facts, interventionists have become much more expansive in terms of the services they offer, with family care and long-term follow-up generally a part of the package. Many interventionists will also travel to the inpatient treatment facility with the addict, ensuring that he or she actually arrives and checks in. And nearly all interventionists are active in the addict’s aftercare planning, helping to pick a proper outpatient therapist for continued treatment, and even advising about which twelve-step meetings to attend.

Unsurprisingly, given the comprehensive nature of the modern-day intervention process, these services can be expensive. Generally, a proper intervention costs at least $2,000, and usually the price is closer to $5,000. That said, for those who can afford it, interventionists can be very helpful. To find a good sexual-addiction interventionist, seek referrals from any CSAT-certified therapist. (CSATs can be located via the website of the International Institute for Trauma and Addictions Professionals, based on your town/zip code, at: www.sexhelp.com and www.iitap.com. More info about these sites to follow.)

Twelve-Step Groups

Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), 800-477-8191; 713-869-4902, saa-recovery.org

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), 210-828-7900, slaafws.org

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), 866-424-8777, sa.org

Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA), 800-977-HEAL, sca-recovery.org

Sexual Recovery Anonymous (SRA), sexualrecovery.org

General Information

Websites for general support and information include:

The Relativity Website (sexualrecovery.com) has extensive information about dealing with and healing from sexual addiction, love addiction, and other intimacy disorders.

The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists website (aasect.org) offers a great deal of useful information for cybersex addicts.

The Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers website (atsa.com) offers useful information about sexual abuse.

The Ben Franklin Institute offers, live, online and DVD trainings that can be accessed via their website (bfisummit.com). Much of author Rob Weiss’s material has been recorded by them and is available for purchase.

The International Institute for Trauma & Addiction Professionals (iitap.com) has contact information for therapists, listed by state, who are certified as CSATs (Certified Sex Addiction Therapists).

Robert Weiss’s website (robertweissmsw.com) has extensive information about dealing with and healing from sexual addiction, love addiction, and other intimacy disorders.

The Safer Society Foundation website (safersociety.org) offers useful information on sexual abuse.

Dr. Patrick Carnes’ website (sexhelp.com) offers a great deal of useful information for sex addicts.

The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health website (sash.net) provides contact information for knowledgeable therapists, listed by city and state, as well as information about upcoming sex-addiction conferences and training events.