Michael is a married, twenty-nine-year-old professional property manager who grew up in an alcoholic and occasionally abusive household. He started looking at porn at age twelve, usually for a few minutes at a time (staying online for as long as it took to “get off”). Over time, his sexual forays escalated in both time and intensity. By the end of high school, he had also begun sneaking off to the “bad parts of town” to visit prostitutes on weekends. After high-school graduation, he took a job with a local real estate manager and started dating the sister of a coworker. Because he really liked her, he stopped seeing prostitutes and simultaneously cut back on his porn usage. At the age of twenty-three, they were married, and “being in love” he quit porn altogether. Or so he thought. A year later, Michael’s wife was six months pregnant when he suddenly “found himself” online, compulsively masturbating to pornography. Before the baby was born, he was back to seeing prostitutes. Now, at age twenty-nine, he spends nearly all of his free time either looking at porn or hooking up with women he meets on apps like Ashley Madison and Tinder. (Some of these women are prostitutes, some not.) He says that his wife does not know what he does with his time—she just thinks that he works very long hours—but he feels terrible about his behavior. He says that the extramarital sex is not fun and that he desperately wants to stop, but he can never seem to manage that for more than a few days at a time. He also longs to spend more time with his young kids, but more often than not chooses to sexually act out only to later hate himself for it.
Understanding the World of a Sex Addict
For active sex addicts, sexually addictive activity takes place regardless of outward success, intelligence, physical attractiveness, existing intimate relationships, or anything else. Very often sex addicts, feeling shameful or fearful, will tell themselves, “This is the last time that I am going to behave in this way,” yet ultimately they are compelled to return to the same or a similar sexual situation, over and over again. Over time, they organize their lives around sexual fantasy and the behaviors that follow. They spend inordinate amounts of time thinking about, planning for, pursuing, and engaging in sexual activity (with themselves and/or others). Sex becomes an obsession to the point where important relationships (with spouses, kids, parents, friends, etc.), interests (exercise, hobbies, creativity, etc.), and responsibilities (work, finances, childcare, etc.) are ignored. Oftentimes sex addicts’ behaviors escalate to the point where they violate their inner values and moral code, which both creates and intensifies their shame. And because they feel so much shame about what they are doing, they nearly always find themselves leading a double life, keeping their sexual acting out hidden and a secret from family, friends, and everyone else who matters to them.
Admittedly, every sex addict’s story is different. Michael’s, however, is relatively common in many respects. He started young, using porn and masturbation to feel better, not merely to explore his sexuality. Over time, his sexual behaviors escalated, and eventually he found himself looking at porn for hours on end and seeing prostitutes whenever he could afford it. Furthermore, his actions from the start were designed to escape the sad realities of his young life—in his case, the emotional discomfort of living in an alcoholic and abusive household. On top of that, he wants to quit and has tried to quit, but can’t seem to manage it. Finally, and most tellingly, even though he has not yet been found out by his wife, he is nevertheless experiencing negative life consequences: primarily feelings of shame and remorse. This had led to his further emotionally distancing himself from his family leaving him even more isolated and depressed.
Another Man’s Story:
Sexual Addiction Is . . .
James is a twenty-two-year-old man who left school a few years back for a relationship that didn’t work out. He is feeling depressed, as if his life is going nowhere, and so lately he has started seeing a therapist. In his first therapy session, James says that he started looking at online pornography when he was thirteen, and by the time he finished high school he was using porn daily, often for several hours at a time, despite several attempts to cut back. He says that over time he has lost interest in nearly all of the activities he once enjoyed—sports, school, video games, and just plain hanging out with his friends—preferring instead to view porn and have webcam sex with anyone who’s willing. Once an excellent student, his grades dropped steadily throughout high school to the point where he was barely accepted into college. And he dropped out of college after his second semester because “dropping out” seemed like a better option than “failing out.” Since then, he has held several menial jobs, none for more than a few months. He now lives with his parents. James has not had a girlfriend since his sophomore year of high school, even though he wants one. He tells his therapist that he views cybersex as a solution to his problems, as it “makes him feel better,” not a potential cause. He says that he does not want to even discuss his sexual behavior, and that he only wants to treat his depression.
Defining Sexual Addiction
James appears to be a sad, isolated, and depressed young man whose single source of distraction and emotional excitement seems to be porn and nothing but porn. Despite his (understandable) insistence that sex is not part of his problem, it clearly is; in fact it is likely the primary source, if not primary symptom, of current problems and must be addressed early on. This is where skillful therapy with a well-trained sex addiction specialist could help him shift from “protecting his source/porn” (think of a heroin addict protecting his sources), to understanding the degree to which it is destroying his young life.
One—Preoccupation with Sexual Fantasy and Acting Out Those Fantasies to the Point of Obsession. Note how James’ life focus in the story above reflects a repositioning of his priorities. He reports having lost interest over time in sports, video games, hanging out with friends, etc. And (even though not openly stated) that he is putting all that time now into porn. He is not looking for a romantic partner, job, recreation, or connection. His daily priority is to access and engage porn.
Two—Loss of Control Over Stopping or Changing Sexual Behavior. James reports having tried on several occasions to “cut back” or “alter” his porn use—especially when he was younger—but failed. Note that in his story (above) he doesn’t even want to consider stopping at this point. By the time he gets to therapy, he sees the porn as the only thing that keeps him feeling good. While clearly depressed, he is likely afraid that he will only get more so—if he let’s go of the porn. He is also (as are many sex addicts early to the healing process), likely afraid of trying again (to stop) and failing. So he has not given up—he has given into the porn. He has lost control over his abuse of it.
Three—Negative Life Consequences (indirectly or directly) Related to Sexual Fantasy and Behaviors. Clearly James is depressed and stuck. On an emotional level he is, essentially, the same mixed-up adolescent who started abusing porn compulsively nine years ago. He is isolated, with not much of a social life and few prospects for future education/work that interests him. He has no goals, few friends, has apparently withdrawn from life. Overall he is feeling pretty hopeless—which, while an obvious symptom of depression—and he may well be depressed—he nonetheless has the energy and focus to lose himself to cybersex day after day—hour after hour—which is so out of balance with the rest of his life—no wonder he is depressed!
Am I Sexually Addicted?
Sexual addiction can be difficult to recognize, especially for those who are mired in it. Because of its highly secretive nature, sex addiction can also be difficult for outside observers (family members, friends, employers, and even therapists) to identify and diagnose. There are, however, tools designed to help determine who is sexually addicted and who is not. Before looking at these tools in depth, it is useful to understand the primary differences between casual, at-risk and addicted users of highly objectified, non-intimate sexuality.
√ Casual users are men and women who find non-intimate sexuality (online pornography, virtual sex, digital flirting, casual/anonymous hookups, affairs, and the like) to be fascinating or fun. They get involved in these pleasurable distractions occasionally. Much of the time their behavior is driven either by curiosity and novelty, or life-stage events like a divorce. For instance, they may engage in non-intimate sexual activities (online or real world) more in late adolescence or after a relationship breakup. Typically, casual users of sexual fantasy and activity find non-intimate sex to be an intermittent source of relaxation and fun, but ultimately not as meaningful and satisfying as deeper, more intimate connections. As such, their interest in non-intimate sex is not often sustained over time.
√ At-risk users are men and women who go through periods of intense objectified non-intimate sexuality, more often than not using it as a distraction from emotional discomfort and other life issues. They may have addiction-like periods, but they can (and usually do) limit or stop their behaviors if/when they start to experience (or even to see the possibility of experiencing) adverse consequences. Sometimes at-risk users may look a lot like addicted users, hiding the nature and extent of their sexual behaviors, temporarily ignoring potential and even actual consequences, even escalating the nature and extent of their use. What differentiates at-risk users from addicted users is this. At-risk users can stop on their own while addicted users cannot. In other words, at-risk users retain control and choice over their engagement with sexual fantasy and activity. Addicted users do not.
√ Addicted users are men and women who compulsively and repeatedly use objectified non-intimate sexual images and experiences as a means of emotional escape and dissociation, regardless of potential and/or actual consequences to themselves or others. In other words, addicted users repetitively use sexual fantasy and activity as a way to numb out, not feel stress, and other forms of emotional discomfort. Typically, they lead a double life, separating their charged sexual activity from their work and home life: keeping secrets, telling lies, manipulating, juggling, minimizing, justifying, etc. When active in their addiction they can lack empathy for those negatively affected by their addiction, including spouses and partners, kids, friends, neighbors, and employers. Sometimes they even blame their “need to escape” on the attitudes and actions of these other people.
Here are ten key signs of sexual addiction.1
1) A pattern of out-of-control sexual behavior
2) Severe or ongoing life consequences due to sexual behavior
3) An inability to stop sexual behavior despite adverse consequences and previous attempts to stop
4) Persistent pursuit of self-destructive or high-risk sexual behavior (to self or others)
5) Important social, recreational, or occupational activities are sacrificed or reduced because of sexual behavior
6) Ongoing desire for change or failed attempts to limit sexual behavior
7) Sexual obsession and fantasy are becoming primary emotional coping strategies
8) The amount of time spent in sexual activity or the intensity of sexual experiences increases because the current level is insufficient
9) Severe mood changes around sexual activity (before, during, or after)
10) Inordinate amounts of time spent in obtaining sex, being sexual, or recovering from sexual experiences
It is not necessary that all ten signs be present for a self-diagnosis of sexual addiction; as few as two or three may indicate the onset of a serious problem. That said, with sexual addiction, most if not all of the signs are usually present to some extent, and those that are not yet present are typically looming on the near horizon.
A more detailed evaluation is available online to help you if you have more questions. You can access it at hcibooks.com.