Sexual Orientation and Sex Addiction
As I have stated repeatedly throughout this book, sexual addiction has nothing whatsoever to do with who or what turns a person on. Instead, it is based on the same three factors as every other form of addiction:
1) Ongoing obsession/preoccupation with the drug/behavior of choice
2) Loss of control over use
3) Directly related negative life consequences
This means that gay and lesbian sex addicts are not compulsively sexual because of their sexual orientation. Rather, they are compulsively sexual as a way to self-soothe stress, emotional discomfort, and the pain of underlying psychological issues like anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, shame, attachment deficits, unresolved childhood and/or severe-adult trauma, etc. In this respect, gay and lesbian sex addicts are exactly like heterosexual sex addicts. They are also exactly like gambling addicts, alcoholics, drug addicts, compulsive spenders, and the like. However, as with any repressed minority culture, there are differences that do require some investigation here.
Gay Men and Promiscuity
There is a widely held misperception that all gay men are, by nature, compulsively sexual. And in truth, gay male Western culture has traditionally held fewer formal and defined “rules” about monogamy then, let’s say, any average heterosexual married couple. But the reasons have more to do with the fact that it is men seeking out men for sex, rather than the fact that gay men are simply promiscuous (not true). It is true that if you are a man looking to have sex with a man in our culture it is easier to find a partner than if you are looking for a woman. The reasons may seem obvious (more about healthy female sexuality versus healthy male sexuality in a later chapter), but the simple fact is that most men are more willing (due to the way we are built psychologically) to have objectified, non-relational sexual experiences than are most women. Many men are “ready to go” for sex with the right person if they look hot, the time is available, and they both want to make it happen. Healthy women seeking sex tend to look not only for hot bodies but also for an emotional connection to that person (or at least a perceived emotional connection), before being sexual. That might mean dinner and a movie before having sex, all of which takes time, but finding a man for sex often doesn’t always mean having to emotionally connect to him to “get some.”
Anonymous sex doesn’t involve getting to know someone, taking them to dinner, meeting before sex; sometimes words are not even exchanged. This is not a typical scenario that most women would join—and good for them because women are clearly more at risk in a variety of ways in these kinds of sexual encounters. Many men are okay with no dinner, no meet and greet, no love, no flowers or candy—just the sex, thank you very much. The bottom line is that it is more difficult and takes more time for straight men to find a woman for casual sex (unless they are paying for it—think strip clubs, adult clubs, etc). Whereas gay men seeking out other men for causal sex have more opportunity to “get some” than do their straight brethren.
In days of yore (a mere ten or fifteen years ago), men who were interested in being sexual with other men searched for sex in bars, in adult bookstores and theaters, in sex clubs and bathhouses, in the steam room at their local gym, in public parks and restrooms, and on notorious street corners late at night. These choices were adaptive ways of finding men with similar needs and desires in a culture of profound cultural repression, but none of these sex-seeking venues were ideal. And sometimes they were downright dangerous. In fact, many older gay men vividly remember the days when gay cruising spots were routinely raided by police, with denizens hauled off in paddy wagons and jailed for the night—with their names and “crimes” published in the next morning’s paper. This was actually commonplace from the 1950s through the 1970s, and even into the 1980s in some locales. And because many people’s exposure to homosexuals (and homosexuality) was limited to newspaper narrations of the local police blotter, the common perception of gay and bisexual men was understandably skewed toward the “sex-crazed” label.
Happily, this is changing. Homosexuality is no longer illegal or looked upon by the mental health community as pathological. Gay and lesbian community today seek sex in much safer (i.e., less public) venues, primarily through online dating and hookup websites and apps like Adam4Adam, Grindr, Bear411, Manhunt, Dattch, PinkCupid, and the like. Today, even mainstream dating sites like Match.com have specialized sections for gay and bisexual men and women. And marriage, rather than “getting laid,” is increasingly the “go to” goal for many young gay men.
Nevertheless, living in a counterculture in which unfettered sexual activity is expected and even celebrated can enable compulsive sexual behaviors. This relatively open expectation/celebration of “alternative sexuality” (i.e., “no one is going to tell me how to live my sex life!”) is in many ways a natural and healthy reaction to the ubiquitous ongoing repression and abuse of gay and lesbian men and women. On the plus side, this assertive response to living in a shame-based, homophobic culture has helped many gays and lesbians to “come out” and live honestly, developing healthy intimate relationships with the partner(s) of their choice. On the other hand, this tacit community approval of unrestrained sexual expression has enabled the sexual addictions of countless gay and lesbian people.
Consider alcohol as an analogy for this. An alcoholic who spends all of his free time in bars will likely find it very easy to rationalize, minimize, and justify (to deny) his drinking problem since everyone else around him is also drinking. Thus the gay sex addict who is hanging out in sex focused venues (online or real world) where everyone else is also being highly sexual (gay bars, bathhouses, Grindr, porn sites, etc.), has a background against which he can or she can rationalize, minimize, and justify the sex that he or she is having—even if his or her sexual behaviors spiral out of control.
Lesbian Women, Sex, and Love Addiction
Sadly, there is little to no research on lesbian women who sexually act out in addictive and compulsive ways. This doesn’t mean there isn’t such a population; certainly there are lesbians who go from bar to bar and woman to woman, using these people more as objects than as lovers and partners. But, in fact, fewer lesbian women present for sexual addiction treatment than do straight women (more on women and sex addiction in chapters to come).
The challenge for intimacy disordered lesbians, women who have endured the kinds of early abuse, trauma, and neglect referenced in the chapter, “why me,” seems to show up more as a problematic pattern of intimacy or relationship-disordered behaviors (discussed in later love/relationship chapters). In these cases, most typically a gay woman (often feeling desperately lonely when single, and struggling to simply enjoy her time when single) will very quickly “fall in love” with another attractive woman, often having sex right away with great intensity—but also seeking to live with this woman and/or get very close very quickly (often without enough time to fully know each other). In these situations she will repeatedly find herself distancing herself over time (on many levels), from the very person who was so fascinating to her just a few months before. Some will distance emotionally with walls and silence, some sexually, others by gaining a great deal of weight and thus literally creating a physical barrier to sex and intimacy. When single, this woman will then often lose the weight and go back out on “the hunt” for a new spouse. This pattern of “serial monogamy” seems to fit many intimacy challenged women in general and lesbians in particular.
The first book to scientifically examine this pattern is very recent and is called The Urge to Merge by Lauren Costine, PhD. Dr. Costine discusses this issue at length and it is well worth a read for lesbian women concerned that they may be struggling with an intimacy disorder.
Recognizing and Dealing with
Internalized Homophobia
For many gay and lesbian sex addicts, negative self-beliefs are an integral component of the addictive process, helping to support a shame-based sense of self. These negative self-hating views often manifest as internalized homophobia, which is nearly always magnified and intensified by social and familial nonacceptance and nonsupport. Then, if addictive patterns of same-sex sexuality enter the picture, preexisting shame and self-hatred are compounded, with the only relief being a temporary escape through still more addictive sex. This is the crux of the sexually addictive cycle for many gays and lesbians: layering shame upon shame and perpetually reinforcing an already badly distorted self-image.
Knowing this, it is unsurprising that some gay and lesbian sex addicts also present in treatment with ego-dystonic (i.e., self-loathing) feelings related to their sexual orientation. In other words, they desperately wish that they were not attracted to members of the same sex. Ultimately these addicts must be treated for their negative feelings related to their sexual orientation, as well as their problematic patterns of sexual acting out. That said, containment of addictive sexual behaviors should always be the initial intervention and treatment focus.
1 American Psychological Association Help Center. Sexual orientation and homosexuality. Retrieved Feb 6, 2015 from apa.org/helpcenter/; and American Psychiatric Association. Therapies Focused on Attempts to Change Sexual Orientation (Reparative or Conversion Therapies). Retrieved Feb 6, 2015 from psychiatry.org/.
2 American Psychological Association Help Center. Sexual orientation and homosexuality. Retrieved Feb 6, 2015 from apa.org/helpcenter/.
Sadly, in addition to being a waste of time and money, attempts to change a person’s sexual orientation are actually quite harmful, especially to young people (some of whom are involuntarily subjected to these “treatments”). For the most part, this damage is caused by gay conversion therapy’s reinforcement of societal prejudices against homosexuality. In one study looking at the effects of social and familial rejection on gay and lesbian youth, researchers found that gay and lesbian kids who experience significant feelings of rejection because of their sexual orientation—such as what occurs with gay conversion therapy—are three times as likely to use illicit drugs, six times as likely to report high levels of depression, and eight times as likely to attempt suicide.3 Recognizing these dangers, two states, California and New Jersey, have passed laws outlawing the practice of so called “gay conversion” therapy on minors, while virtually every major medical and psychotherapeutic professional organization has issued a statement condemning it.
Sex and Drug Abuse Combined
As discussed in detail in Chapter 8, cross and co-occurring addictions are quite common among sex addicts. And given that gay and lesbian men and women generally have higher rates of addiction across the board,4 it is reasonable to assume that the rates of sexual addiction might also be higher. One study found that 69 percent of heterosexual male sex addicts versus 80 percent of homosexual male sex addicts admitted to a cross or co-occurring addiction or some other similarly problematic behavior.5 Further, as with sex addicts in general, stimulant drugs like cocaine and methamphetamine seem most often to be the co-occurring drug of choice. And when that is the case, the two addictions often fuse, becoming so tightly paired that engaging in one behavior inevitably leads to the other. And, as mentioned later in this book, this is double trouble in terms of both potential consequences and risk for relapse, making the healing process that much more challenging to achieve.
