part0010

The chaos and frenzy of the week’s preparations came to a close as “regular life” started to take over. Within days of the funeral, the aunts and uncles, cousins, and friends returned to their homes and the two older boys returned to their military obligations. Jenny was the last to leave and I had a hard time letting her go. She willingly flew back to school in Idaho, but I knew she would rather stay home with me. I felt so bad that Lou had died right before her birthday. How could he have done that? He didn’t ask me if he could die that week – Jenny was his baby girl and I know if he could have chosen a day to die it wouldn’t have been the week of her 19th birthday. She will remember that week her whole life and probably not with fond memories. I contacted her friends and advisors to let them know she would be returning and anything they could do to comfort her would be appreciated. This is one time that I wish she had gone to school closer to home. So much with “Go away from Florida for school. There is so much more to life than the Sunshine State!” I knew she would be home for the summer in a month or so, so I felt confident all would be okay going back to her friends.

I put on the “I’m fine” mask as we drove 45 minutes to the airport in Ft. Lauderdale then I cried when I wrapped my arms around her at the airport - that’s not unusual for me as I cry each and every time a family member leaves after a visit. The kids know that I’d tear up and they usually have a tissue ready for me -”Oh Mom, what a mush.” I get choked up, can’t talk for a moment, and shed a tear or two. I guess I get this from my mom because she does it too!

WHY DO WE PUT ON THE MASK of appearing in control when we really want to just let our emotions out to the people we love. Do we think it will make them uncomfortable? Do we think it will make THEM sad? Sometimes we just need a hug to get us through our saddest times, but we won’t get that hug if we don’t ask for it.

I always could count on hugs from the kids. Although Lou and I didn’t hug as much anymore, with the kids gone and the house basically empty, I knew I wasn’t going to get many more hugs and I was feeling starved for that close loving.

I went on autopilot for the next six months. I was thrust into the role of working single mom of four, with a company that belonged to my husband and no idea how to run it.

My parents stayed on for a while to support me emotionally and to help me focus on running Lou’s company, Benfotiamine.Net, Inc. I realized that I had to run the company now because orders kept coming in and unless my dad told customers when they called that Lou had died, they obviously would have no idea that the President of the company had suddenly passed away. Customers were sad when they found out, but they still wanted their products shipped immediately and someone had to do that.

Lou had been asked one day by our largest wholesale customer “What happens if you die suddenly? Who would run your company then?” and I heard him say, “Oh, Debby will do that, and if she needs help, an associate of mine will be around to assist her.” Lou told me at that point to make sure I took care of that wholesale customer first and foremost as the income from that account paid most of our bills! I asked him to write down instructions on what I should do and he did, but it consisted of a four-page document he called “Business Continuity Plan” and it only contained the basics, so I would have to call on customers, vendors, suppliers, and even Lou to help me figure out exactly how to run the company. I was bound and determined to honor his legacy and to make the most of a very viable business.

Inside, though, I was dying. I was mad that he didn’t leave specific instructions on how to do the daily jobs. I had to go through emails to figure out how to order the raw products needed for production. We had no inventory tracker so I had to figure out how long my supply of finished product would last and when I needed to start another production run. I didn’t want to deal with running out of product, because I knew people would be kind but wouldn’t want to have their orders held up due to a shortage in the home office. I did run short once during that first year after Lou died, and I determined that I would NEVER do that again. My customers were appreciative that we didn’t make them wait too long, but what stress it put on me because customer service is of upmost importance to me and I didn’t want anyone mad at us!

I was frustrated that Lou didn’t leave a list of passwords for his accounts. Thank goodness he was pretty consistent on which passwords he did use because I was able to figure out most of them when needed. But some days I sat at my desk and just looked at his picture and said, “Are you kidding? So, what is the darn password to this one?” He never responded directly, but I did get prompted to what might work.

My dad was a phenomenal assistant. Although he was 80 years old and a retired dentist, he took to the business and to helping me with purpose and ease. He answered sales calls and told the customers one by one what had happened to Lou…he established a rapport with the customers and made them feel like one of the family. To this day he does the same thing. That’s a special quality he possesses, and outstanding customer service is what Benfotiamine.Net, Inc., is known for. Some days I feel bad for my mom because she became a “work widow” when dad was answering phone calls for me. Many days I hear her in the background because she sits in dad’s office while he works. Maybe one day she’ll take on the customer service position!!

For the next year I worked two jobs, 18 hours a day. I stayed on as Treasurer in the Palm Beach county school system for six hours/day mostly for the social interaction with my teacher friends but also for the medical benefits associated with that position. I worked directly for the Principal and took care of all school expenses and teacher requests. I was good at my job, but there wasn’t enough work to keep me busy and I got very frustrated when I had to sit and wait for the six hours to end. I needed to be busy and sitting around just because drove me crazy, especially since I knew I was needed more at home with the company. I would walk the school hallways looking for teacher friends and always asked if I could help them. I even volunteered for lunch duty and that was a noisy job that nobody ever enjoyed !

When school was out for the summer, I earned more income in one month from Benfotiamine.Net, Inc., than I did from a whole year of working at the school, so I finally took a huge leap of faith and left the school district to run the company exclusively. I knew I would miss the social part of working at the school, because now I was a “solopreneur” and, except for the cats, there would be no one at home to chat with. I also had to pay for private medical insurance and the $6,000 deductible and the $700 a month premium had me stunned. My yearly visit to the doctor couldn’t possibly be more than $200, but I couldn’t take the chance of not having insurance and something catastrophic happen to either Matt or me, as that would wipe me out financially.

Reflections: Never look back and take that leap of faith! I put up the mask here because I thought I knew enough about running the company. I pretended to know everything, but I was really scared that I couldn’t make things work. I relied on others around me and that was a very good thing, but it left me feeling more alone than before. If you are going to “fake it” just make sure you do it with a smile on your face. No one will know how unsure you really are!

I need to have control over things in my life – not in a freaky way, but in a practical, organized way. Why? I’m not exactly sure, but I like routine and routine means safety and order. Even when I was in the Air Force and was told by senior officers that I needed to change up my daily routines lest “the enemy” could track me, I basically stuck to my routines. When we lived in West Germany before the Berlin Wall went down in 1989, my friends and I, all Intelligence Officers with security clearances, felt a little paranoid sometimes when thinking we were being followed. I remember going into communist-controlled East Berlin to go shopping when the city was guarded by the Russians. We had to wear our Air Force uniforms while visiting, and we stuck out like a sore thumb. I knew we were being watched everywhere we went and that scared me. When I got back home, although I knew there weren’t any Russians around, I drove the same way to work, to the gym and to shopping places in spite of being told to “change it up!” Oh, well! It’s hard to change an “old dog”!

After Lou died, I found some control in my life on a daily basis when I went to the YMCA to swim laps. I’d go to work at the school from 6:30 a.m. until about 1:30 p.m. and I’d drive directly to the Y. At around 1:45 p.m., there wouldn’t be too many people in the pool area. I guess here in South Florida the middle of the day was late lunch/early bird dinner or nap time for most of the elderly patrons of the Y, and the younger folks were still at work. This was a perfect time for me to do the ½ mile of laps that I felt I needed to stay in shape. Swimming was a regimen…a compulsive routine wherein I swam in the same lane, at the same time of day and tried to keep to myself except in my thoughts as I would “talk” to Lou as I went lap by lap. I, obviously, was talking to myself in my thoughts and to keep track of how many laps I was swimming, I made sure to do 10 laps of breast stroke, 10 laps of freestyle, 10 laps of back stroke and then some leg work laps. I’d do the exact same regimen day after day. Many days I’d cry while swimming in the pool because no one would know how heartbroken I really was an d how terribly lonely I felt. I had my goggles so tight to keep the water out of my eyes that after swimming it would take an hour or two before the “scar” of the goggles went away and by then my red eyes would clear. I could put the “I’m fine” mask back on and go on my merry way without anyone knowing otherwise.

In spite of losing a lot of weight after Lou died, I still felt I was overweight, and there was no one around to make me eat, or make me do anything, as a matter of fact. There were days when I couldn’t tell you if I ate breakfast or not. Some days I’d eat a handful of peanut M&Ms and figure that I had my protein so I was eating a balanced meal!

But my past started to haunt me. When I was a teenager and up through my college days, I was very heavy. My weight was always an issue and an emotional one at that. I hated going shopping for clothes with my mom because we had to shop in the women’s section (for the larger size), and those clothes were so old fashioned. No matter what anyone said about polyester being easy to wash, elastic waists and stretchy pants were not what I wanted to wear.

I was told, “You’re just big boned” or “Wow, you’re such a strong young woman” or “You’re so athletic”, all of which I was, but I was really just heavy, and I hated that. I just wanted to be like my friends…skinny with long blond hair, clear skin and straight white teeth! Looking back I’m not sure any of my friends were skinny, blond or had clear skin or straight teeth, but that’s what I thought the cool boys wanted so that’s what I wanted!!

And now, 40 years later I looked in the mirror and I still felt heavy in spite of a very skinny body. One time a very close friend of Lou’s came to visit and told me that I looked gaunt, and I was really offended. For the first time in my life I was down to 128 pounds, and at 5’8” I felt slim enough to wear skinny jeans. Lou’s friend didn’t see it that way and he let me know it.

I could never win at the weight game though because in my mind I was always too heavy, but in reality I got too skinny, and I’d get chastised for both. I did, however, finally see the need to take care of myself so that I could take care of my family. I had to stay in control, and swimming brought me the control I needed. I still have the same bones that I had back then, but I guess they’re just not “as big” as before!

In addition to my daily routines, my nighttime routines were pretty regular, too. I’d work until the late hours of the night because I didn’t like going to bed by myself. I’d crawl

into bed around 1:00 a.m. and I’d only sleep on a quarter of our king-sized bed. I unfolded the covers only a quarter of the way, and Lou’s side of the bed never changed except for when I changed the sheets on Saturdays. His side was always neatly made – military corners on the sheets included! In the middle of the night, my three cats found their way to Lou’s side of the bed. At least there was something alive and warm lying beside me.

I found that nighttime brought the tears. It was the only time of the day that I couldn’t stay distracted, and my thoughts turned to my life and how things weren’t as they were supposed to be. I was sad because the future wouldn’t be what we had planned. I was worried that I couldn’t run the company like Lou would have. I struggled internally with the thought that after 25 years I wasn’t married anymore, and I certainly didn’t think of myself as single and I hated the word “widow” and all it meant. I hated when other widows would tell me I was part of the “Club”…a club of single women left behind by men who died. Wow, not my idea of a great club to belong to.

I also realized that I loved the idea of being married. And being married for 25 years was truly a success, but it wasn’t always that great. For many years, Lou and I were roommates living in the same house for extended periods of time. We had developed different hobbies, different friends, and different interests, which I knew would leave us feeling apart when the kids all left the nest. I felt I had to put on the illusion that married life was “perfect” and that I was “FINE” at all times because that’s what we girls do! Most couples do not want to admit they are not always happy with each other.

We weren’t having marital issues serious enough to do anything about, but we could have done more to try to connect with each other. I missed the hugs and the little touches that made me feel close to him, and many times I felt like I was being left behind as he raced ahead of me and the kids when we went out. Perhaps he just walked fast because he had long legs, but I would have liked him to slow down and walk beside me instead of in front of me.

Look at Facebook and other social media and what do you see? Cranky couples celebrating their 25th wedding anniversaries in separate bedrooms or on separate vacations? Heck, NO!! Everyone is getting flowers or edible bouquets and chocolates! As a widow, I felt that people expected me to fall apart because, after all, my husband had died suddenly at age 55. I had no one to vent my frustrations to, to hug, or even look cross-eyed at, and so I had every excuse to fall apart. But, I NEEDED to be fine. I needed to put the mask up so that others would leave me alone. I needed them to leave me alone because I didn’t want to appear weak or emotional. I’d be fine until someone asked me how I was doing, and then I’d start to tear up and for me that showed weakness. How could I tell others facing difficulties to “man up” if I, myself, fell apart at the simplest question: “How are you?”

I needed comfort, companionship, and love again because it had been years since Lou and I had really been “all love and roses!” I’m sure every married person can relate to this feeling. Marriage takes work and it’s got to be more selfless than selfish. Unfortunately Lou had gotten involved with someone else for a brief time about 10 years before and, of course, no one knew about that because I needed to protect the family name and the kids. When he told me about it, many years later, I blamed myself for not taking care of him. I blamed myself because I spent so much time running the kids all around town for their sports and school events. I blamed myself for being too busy to be the best wife I could have been. After all, I did have four children within eight years (and two miscarriages in between.) I was a Cub Scout Den Mother. I had my mortgage license and attempted to help bring in some money to help out with bills. I took care of my mother-in-law for 9 years; I volunteered at the kids’ schools and was VERY active in the ladies auxiliary at church. I thought I was the perfect wife and couldn’t understand WHY anyone would want anything else. I tried my hardest to forgive and to not blame myself anymore; however, my trust in our marriage and in intimacy had taken a huge hit and when he started to put weight back on in a huge way, I felt like I wasn’t that important to him anymore. I think he put the weight back on to protect himself from temptation again but he didn’t realize that it made me feel like “chopped liver” and I HATE chopped liver.

When friends said I needed to get back into life only six months after Lou’s passing…to venture into dating again, all of my insecurities about dating when I was 16 came flooding back. I didn’t like dating when I was young, and I knew I didn’t want to do it now, but I wanted to show everyone that I could move on. In the deepest part of my heart and mind though, I still had a poor self-image. Remember I had been athletic but “solid” when I was a young woman, and when I looked in the mirror, I still saw that body – that 40 extra pounds hanging on my “big bones.” When am I ever going to see my true self? In spite of being very thin now, I had to recreate myself to feel truly lovable physically. Can you see that this woman behind the smile has been in my life for a very long time?

I didn’t fit into the married couples groups anymore…can you believe there were some wives, friends of mine, who got funny when I was around their husbands – even though we had been friends for 20 years and all I wanted to do was talk to a grown up human MAN once in a while! I certainly wasn’t interested in someone they had complained about for 20 years!! I didn’t consider myself single now since I had been married for so long and had my married name longer than my maiden name. I didn’t drink alcohol or go to bars so the idea of that was out and the thought of dating again was not even a thought in my mind, although it was on my friends’ minds constantly! What was I to do? I needed more to life than sitting behind a computer screen!

As a concession to my girlfriends, I looked into online dating. I felt it was a safer way to go rather than dating in person– at least for starters. At least with online dating I didn’t have to worry about how my hair looked, or what I was wearing. I didn’t have to compare myself to skinny blonds in the restaurant or be humiliated because my date looked at every 20-something that walked into the room. I looked at several dating sites for a week or so until I felt brave enough to set up an online profile. Of course I wanted to put my best foot forward and to create the best self that I could. I knew I was a “catch” but I came with lots of history, baggage as some might call it, including four children and three cats! At least three of the children were grown and living away from home so I hoped family was as important to the gentlemen as it was to me.

I couldn’t believe how awful some of the eligible men were on the web. I found myself wondering if some of the guys who listed Master’s Degrees on their profiles had actually finished elementary school – their writing skills were awful. Some of their profile pictures were very interesting, too…they showed up hugging other women and dressed in dirty clothes! What happened to civility, chivalry, and clean cut American men with good grammar? Wow, I guess I’d been isolated from the real world of men and dating for a long time, THANK GOODNESS, but my high expectations were not initially being met. I could have lowered those ex pectations, given up on dating, or just been patient and trolled along for a bit longer. My friends encouraged me to do the latter.

“Try online dating!” was the call to action. So I did, and I took the path of least resistance and checked it out. I had seen the advertisements on TV and thought it would be a safe way to ease back into the “dating world.” Well-meaning friends directed me to Match.Com, PlentyOfFish.com and some others, but I ended up setting up my profile on LDSPlanet.com, a Christian-based dating site. I knew other women who found their soul mates on this site and married them, so I thought it was safe and worth a try. I wanted to first find a special friend. I wanted to be loved again, but I was scared to put myself out there, subject to criticism or at least comparison. For over 25 years I had a big diamond on my finger and usually felt secure in my relationship. Now with knees shaking, I put up a very professional profile and made sure I looked “perfect”. At least as perfect as a widowed mother of four with three cats and a dog could be. Wow, what baggage came along with my package, but I knew someone would love it!

Before I go on with my story, there are five facts about online dating that I’d like to visit. I found this research, written by Aaron Smith and Monica Anderson, on the Pew Research Center website, www.pewresearch.orgfact-tank , and find it quite interesting. I wish I had done more extensive research BEFORE I launched myself into the online dating world, but over the last five years so much more has been examined.

Do any of these facts surprise you? I know I was very quiet about my online adventures. If someone asked me, “Are you dating yet?” I’d almost whisper, “Kind of…I have a profile on XYZ site” but I was a little shy unless I knew that the person asking was familiar with online dating. Then I could say, “Well, yes, and I’m having fun looking at all of the available men!”

When Aaron Smith and Monica Anderson first studied online dating habits in 2005, most Americans had little exposure to online dating or to the people who used it, and they tended to view it as a subpar way of meeting people. Today, nearly half of the public knows someone who uses online dating or who has met a spouse or partner via online dating – and attitudes toward online dating have grown progressively more positive.

It’s funny to think about the family reactions. My parents were the first to hear about it. Mom and I were in the Tampa airport when I first mentioned dating again and she got all giddy. She wanted me to be happy again and not alone. She knew I had loads of friends, but she knew the value of having a sweetheart to have and to hold. She and Dad had been married over 50 years at that point, and I wanted a relationship like they had.

However, I still thought my mother would be the most horrified, the one that would say, “This is ridiculous,” but Mom had some girlfriends that were in their 70s and 80s who had actually done some online dating and found some wonderful men, so mom became my greatest supporter.

My brothers were told next, and they made me feel like I was standing in front of a firing line. I remember sitting in the living room of my younger brother’s home, and the “boys” were on one side of the room and the “girls” were on the other. The seating arrangement turned out to be the support that I got! My brothers, two who were former Air Force Officers, and one, a large company president, sat me down and asked, “Who is this man? What do you know about him? We need to do a background check – we need to check out his financials.” I looked over to the boys and thought, “Are you guys kidding? This is only dating!”

My sisters-in-law thought it was great! They thought it would be a fun adventure. I think they were going to live vicariously through me because they all had been married for over 15 years. They wanted me to be happy, but they knew it might not be easy starting over after so many years. I was grateful the girls were there to hold my hand going forward.

My children…they were hemming and hawing. The kids were very protective of me, and I’m not sure they were really ready for me to start seeing somebody other than their dad. They didn’t want me to be alone, especially my youngest since he was going away to college, yet the possibility of my being with anyone but Dad was unsettling. I kept things quiet from the three oldest kids for a while since they weren’t living at home anymore. The youngest, Matt, was still here, but he was very busy with football and school, and I’m sure he was happy that I was preoccupied with things other than him.

I went out to dinner with Matt each week and we used the “date” as training for when he was ready to officially date. I loved those date nights because we discussed so many topics, and it was the only time we got to sit and talk without others distracting us. I think the best dating advice I gave Matt was to leave his cell phone in the car or turned off in his pocket. There is nothing more disrespectful than your date pulling out a phone during dinner. What could possibly be more important than you at that moment (except for your mom calling!?) We usually practiced what I preached, but it can be challenging, even for the youngest of “US!”

Among my single women friends, aged 50 plus, almost ALL of them have ventured a little into the world of online dating. Some have had more success than others, but they all continue to at least look at the possibilities. I now act as their “gatekeeper” and make sure I play devil’s advocate on this subject. I guess it takes one to know one, and on this subject, I’m the EXPERT!

Why would you NOT meet in person when you finally decide to start dating again? This was a no-brainer for me, at least at first. It’s scary to go on a date!! All of the insecurities that you’ve kept hidden inside start to surface when you’re asked to meet someone for the first time. Now, at age 50-plus, I started to question the gray hairs that started popping up – even though I earned every one of those grays. I thought maybe I’d have to pull out the hair color before going out on a date UNLESS you don’t meet in person! I never had to worry about my hair, or makeup, or what I was wearing. I hadn’t learned to Skype and the guys can’t see anything over the phone or through the computer…it’s perfect when “hiding behind the mask” and we’re always beautiful when we’re in the eyes of the beholder or in the imagination of the magical, handsome, perfect-for-me man on the other end of cyberspace!

You should NEVER do your own profile. I built a dating profile by myself and I went out there on faith. I wanted to be completely honest because that’s what I thought online dating was about. I wanted to put my best foot forward, and I expected the men to do the same. I put up some nice pictures – all with me in them but some with the family. I was completely transparent because I didn’t want to scare anyone off. I came with four children, a business, a good education, and good career experiences, and I was a widow, my badge of courage .

My girlfriends came in and gave me a different perspective when they edited my profile. They added things that sounded better than I could have written. Why do we think less of ourselves than others do? Perhaps we don’t think we are enough - pretty enough, smart enough, healthy enough, honest enough! Thank goodness for a little help from my friends and positive reinforcement!

Several of my friends met and married the men they found online and they are very, very happy! But they rarely tell anyone the real story of how they met. We all want validation that we “did good” but going rogue with unconventional dating may not get you pats on the back. I wanted the same great outcome that my girlfriends had so I kept an open mind and an open heart. But I’d venture to guess though that this fact #5 is slightly low because I believe that there is still a stigma associated to the fact that you met your spouse or significant other through online dating!