Sera
Carols night was looking like it was going to be a success. Despite the early rain the sun had broken through the clouds mid morning and by the time early evening had arrived there wasn’t a hint of a cloud in the sky.
Over the last few days Sera had successfully avoided seeing Patrick. After Catherine had left, he called and told her the reason for her visit, how Catherine and Jeffrey were moving to LA for a year and how Levi was going to be spending the majority of the time in Ellesmere with him.
Sera was thrilled for him, she really was, but it only made the voice in her head louder.
You need to end it. Pull away slowly before you get hurt.
Levi was going on Christmas Eve and wasn’t due back in Ellesmere until the Summer Fair. She would wait until he left then she would talk to Patrick about slowing things down. There really wasn’t any point in letting things get more serious, especially since she knew that by June, she would be heading to New York. But even if Broadway wasn’t on the agenda it wasn’t like she would be still in Ellesmere come winter, right?
‘You ready to go?’ Anna peeked into the bathroom where she was putting the finishing touches to her make-up.
‘Give me a couple of minutes.’
‘Juliette and Noah are saving us a spot and Jack should be there soon too. Is Patrick meeting you there?’
‘Umm, yeah, he’s going straight from work.’ Sera tried to keep her voice light and even. She hadn’t told Anna about her plans to slow things down with Patrick. Their friendship renewal was still fresh and they were still working on adjusting to being friends again. She applied a light coat of gloss on her pink lipstick, which was ironically called ‘Summer Fling’, and exhaled as she examined herself in the mirror.
‘What’s wrong?’ Anna asked. Her concerned look reflected back at Sera in the mirror.
‘Nothing.’ Sera shook her head and tried to change the subject. ‘I can’t believe we made it to Christmas.’ She felt terrible using Juliette as an out, but at least it wasn’t a lie. Christmas was two days away and she was grateful her friend was around to enjoy it.
‘I know, it’s wonderful, isn’t it? Now enough beautifying, we need to go before we miss the whole night.’
By the time Sera and Anna arrived at the Seniors Centre it looked like the whole of Ellesmere had turned up. Juliette spotted them and waved madly. Noah sat next to her, his arm protectively snaked around her waist even as he engaged in conversation with Jack. The St Andrew’s Church Choir members were already starting to take their places on the stage and someone was passing around candles.
Sera searched for Patrick. It was habit, one that she would need to break. She spotted him with Levi, standing to the side of the stage talking to Dave. It was Levi who saw her, and even with the distance between them she could feel his excitement as he demanded his father’s attention then pointed in her direction. Sera watched Patrick nod then look up and wave at her before Levi ran towards them.
She knew he was busy and secretly she was a little relieved that he didn’t follow Levi.
‘I’ve missed you, Sera!’ Levi all but threw himself at her and she couldn’t help but feel her mood improve slightly. He was finally calling her Sera.
‘Missed you too, Levi,’ she said as she hugged him tight as he wriggled and settled into her lap.
Patrick came on stage and welcomed everyone, thanking the town for their wonderful turn out. He made a small speech about the Seniors Centre and how the council was proud to be able to have contributed to the refurbishment. Then, when it was officially opened, Patrick introduced the choir and within minutes the parkland surrounding the centre was alight with candles and the air was filled with music and singing.
About halfway thought the carols night, the choir from Ellesmere Primary took the stage. ‘That’s my school, I’m going there next year,’ Levi excitedly pointed out, pride in his voice. ‘You’ll have to come and hear me sing next year.’ Levi gave an almighty yawn and snuggled closer into Sera.
She couldn’t answer. How could she when the answer would break Levi’s heart? Not to mention her own. She needed to end this. But as she hugged the sleepy little boy, his head resting against her chest, her heart beat rapidly and Sera knew that it was too late. She was already in over her head and her heart belonged to two men. One was falling asleep in her arms and the other was walking towards her. She was in love and it scared her shitless.
* * *
With his formal mayoral duties completed for the night, Patrick made his way to join Sera and Levi. He tentatively called the event a success, and looking around he saw toddlers dancing, mothers and fathers singing along with their kids and people having fun. He’d even spotted Maurice’s lips curve upwards at one point, even if it was a small and brief moment.
‘Hi.’ He sat himself down next to Sera and reached for her hand.
‘Hi yourself,’ she smiled back, but the smile didn’t reach her eyes and when he wrapped his arm around her shoulders he swore he felt her body stiffen slightly.
Something wasn’t right. He sensed something was off the other night when she left so quickly after Catherine arrived. Was she still upset that it had slipped his mind to warn her?
Somewhere between ‘Rocking Around the Christmas Tree’ and ‘Silent Night’, Levi fell asleep.
‘I’ll take him home,’ Sera whispered.
‘Stay, we’ll take him home together,’ he said, but Sera was already making the move to leave, even though there was no need to. Levi was fine to sleep and they could leave together in about half an hour.
‘No, you stay.’ She stood and Levi stirred. ‘I’ll see you in a little bit.’
As he watched her manoeuvre Levi’s tiny frame through the crowd Patrick couldn’t shake the feeling that he had, and he wasn’t going to sit around and wait. He needed to get to the bottom of what was bothering her.
‘Sera, wait!’ He stood and jogged to catch up with her. A slight flicker of annoyance seemed to cross her face, but the light wasn’t great and he couldn’t be certain.
He relieved Sera from carrying Levi and silently, if not a little awkwardly, they made the trip home. He carried his little man, tucked him in and as he made his way downstairs, he expected to find Sera sitting on the couch. Instead he found her standing or, more precisely, pacing the room.
Her eyes found his. ‘We need to talk.’
‘Sounds ominous,’ he joked. ‘Do I need to be worried?’
By the look on her face, Patrick gathered the answer was yes.
‘The other night…’ Sera began and realised she hadn’t the slightest clue what she was going to say. She could hardly tell him the truth. That she was breaking up with him because she loved him and it would only make it harder for her to leave.
‘I’m sorry that I forgot to mention Catherine was bringing Levi, but it was chaos at work with last-minute prep for the—’
‘No, it’s not Catherine,’ she said, stopping him.
‘Then what is it, Sera?’ Patrick closed the gap between them and placed his hands on her shoulders. Sera wished he wouldn’t touch her. It only made it harder.
‘Something is obviously wrong, otherwise you wouldn’t have avoided me for three days.’
‘It’s this, us…it’s not working,’ Sera managed to spill out.
‘Not working?’ He repeated slowly, pinning her with a looked of indignation. ‘Since when? Was it not working three days ago when we were on my kitchen bench about to—’
‘Fuck?’
The word seemed to hit Patrick like a slap in the face.
‘Don’t cheapen it, Sera. It’s not like that and you know it,’ Patrick said quietly as anger crept into his tiger eyes. He folded his arms and glared at her, ready to head into battle.
‘Then what is it?’ She folded her arms and lifted up her chin. ‘I was under the impression it was a bit of casual fun.’
‘Casual fun?’ he spat out. ‘Is that what the last two months have been to you? Casual fun?’
Sera shrugged and did her best to appear nonchalant, but the truth was that inside she was falling apart. ‘We both knew that it wouldn’t last forever, right? I have a job to go back to.’
‘No one said it was forever, Sera, and I know that you have a job, but I was under the impression that for the time being, at least, we were involved. Hell, if I remember correctly, it’s a term you used to describe us. Isn’t that right?’
His voice barely rose beyond normal conversational level, yet everything he said made her flinch. He was angry and normally when someone displayed anger towards her, she fought back, she defended herself until the end.
But this was different. She’d never been in a situation before where she was ending a relationship with a man she loved. When things were ending with Kyle, and she knew it was well and truly over, she had lost her cool – she had cut the crotch out of all his Hermes trousers and even went so far as to fill the boot of his Maserati with rotten fish. Kyle had threatened legal action, but dropped it promptly. Sera knew too much about him and he knew she wouldn’t hesitate to use it.
In the days that followed Kyle’s departure, after one too many bottles of wine, she was cleaning out the rest of her ex-boyfriend’s things and found a photo of them. It’d been taken at some awards night, both of them dolled up to the nines, posing with matching model smiles. And that’s when it hit her – they were posing. It was all an act. Kyle was with her because they looked good and as much as she wanted to believe that she was with him because she loved him, he was a safe choice. Why? Because from the outset she knew she could never fall in love with him. Which meant he could never hurt her.
Unlike Patrick. That’s why she needed to end it with him now, before it was too late.
‘Yes,’ she said as she cleared her throat and straightened her back. ‘I did say we were involved and we both agreed that the majority of our…involvement would be while Levi was out of town. You didn’t want him to get too attached, right?’ She felt like a total bitch throwing his own words back at him, and doubly so because she had drawn Levi into it.
Patrick shook his head in disbelief. ‘So this is all about not hurting Levi, is it?
‘Yes, it’s what we both want, isn’t it?’ Sera blinked, wishing Patrick would stop holding her gaze. All this lying would be so much easier if she didn’t have to look him in the eyes.
‘It doesn’t have to be like this, Sera. Levi knows you need to go back to Sydney, nothing needs to change.’
Except it did. The longer it went on, the harder it would be to walk away. She knew what would happen, how every day, every moment she spent with them, would only make her love them more. It would only hurt her more. So she did the only thing she could do – she was an actor, so damn it, she needed to act!
‘There really isn’t any point in continuing with this, Patrick.’ She pulled her lips into a thin line as she breathed out the words. Her tone was devoid of any warmth or emotion. It was an Oscar- worthy performance. ‘Juliette will be needing me more in the coming months so it’s best that I focus on her.’
God! Now she’d dragged Juliette into it – she was going to burn in hell.
Patrick considered her coldly. Disbelief and dismay had given way to anger. They stood there in the middle of the living room, staring at each other for what seemed like an age before he finally spoke.
‘And this is how you really feel? That ending what we have is for the best?’
She could hardly tell Patrick the truth, that inside she was crumbling, her heart was about to shatter into a million pieces. But she needed to hold it together for just a few more minutes. She needed to finish breaking Patrick’s heart in order to save hers.
She took a step back before answering, as if distance was going to make the words she was about to say easier. ‘I…I do.’
It didn’t.
‘Well then, I guess this is goodbye.’
She swallowed hard; her throat felt thick, her chest felt heavy. She’d been pushing him to accept it was over and now that he had, she was so, so close to coming undone.
‘Goodbye, Patrick.’ Sera turned and walked away without another word, without looking back.
She waited until she was at the end of the driveway before allowing the tears she had held back to fall. Eventually Patrick would see that it was all for the best.
And Levi? He’d be fine. The kid was strong. They all would move on. Patrick had Levi and she had her career, she was going to New York. It was time for her to move on, too.
Better I break your heart and break my own in the process before you break mine. And maybe, just maybe by the time she got to New York her heart wouldn’t feel so broken, shattered and bruised. This is what happens when you let someone see the real Sera.
Lesson learned. And don’t let it happen again.
She wouldn’t. She couldn’t. Her poor heart wouldn’t be able to cope.