The End of Time

As soon as I saw Bettina, I knew that we belonged together. She stood with her back to me, wrapped up in a big jacket against the cold wind, twenty yards away on the touchline of a school football match. But across the distance between us I could feel our energies reach out and embrace. Indeed, as I approached I had to deliberately resist the instinct to go forward and put my arms around her! Later, she would tell me that she had felt the same instinct.

I’m no good at all at small talk or smart one-liners and knowing what to say when you’re attracted to someone. But this situation was different - somehow we already knew each other very well - so I just went up and said hello and we started talking. In the crowded tearoom after the game, she took the hood of her jacket off and I watched mesmerised from across the room: she was the woman who had run up the steps with me in my dream of five weeks earlier.

She then had to leave and there was no chance to talk further, but that night another powerful dream confirmed what was happening.

D 12th March 2003: I visited a fair and then went back to visit it again... Now I found myself going on a long and important journey abroad by car with a woman beside me. We approached a major crossroads and just as we had got to the other side I turned to see huge waves of seawater flooding across where we had just been. I said that “We were just in time” and “This is a strange place”.

Later I found myself alone travelling in a foreign country where I saw a sign indicating the South Pole ahead. I entered a small town and stopped to look at a plaque to the side of the road (when I awoke, I couldn’t remember what was on it). Some children watched me with interest. Then a large and dangerous spider jumped from its web on the plaque onto my shoulder; I brushed it off but then it jumped on me again and again I had to brush it off.

At this time I couldn’t understand the first element of the dream except as a pun on the word ‘affair’ - but why would I go twice? This only made sense much later. The ‘long journey abroad’ is a fairly obvious archetypal symbol for an important new path in life (‘a strange place’), and the ‘crossroads’ indicated a fundamentally decisive time (‘just in time’) of great emotional significance (the ‘flooding water’). Yes, I knew this.

But there was a stark warning here too. I could be heading for a cold and icy place... and I was going to have to distance myself decisively from Alice (the ‘spider’). Again, this would happen twice. In fact, I met Alice again the next day for a theatre visit arranged several weeks before.

S 13th March 2003: I felt ill at ease all evening and when I got home I found a very large spider on my bedroom wall!

S 16th March 2003: I decided to clean the windows of my house, inside and out. This was a normal spring-cleaning job, but I was acutely aware also of the symbolic ‘clarity of mind’ achieved in letting more light into my home. I was rewarded...

D 17th March 2003: I was in the Great Hall at my school at the beginning of a new term. Some architectural changes had been made, changing the shape of the place, and I wasn’t sure what to make of it. But then I looked up to see that a beautiful new vaulted ceiling had been built too, and now the changes seemed very good to me.

As I have said, the school represents emotional relationship for me (what I need to learn about most) and the Great Hall is its heart. I was being restructured! During this week Bettina and I talked on the `phone a couple of times, long and already very friendly conversations although she was also trying to ‘hold back’, saying that she was in another relationship at the moment. I could feel that this wasn’t true but in time came to understand her reticence - she had been most dreadfully hurt in the past. Yet neither of us could deny the energy between us; and when I drove to her house for the first time:

S 17th March 2003: I saw two different cars with registration ... JOY as I approached her road.

Things were happening very fast now and we were indeed in a strange place, already meeting deep feelings and strong hidden fears. Five days later we had lunch together but now there was somehow an undercurrent of tension; we agreed to meet again later for dinner.

S 22nd March 2003: On the way I saw two cars close together, ... RON (my father’s name) and M 679 ARK which refers to Jesus commissioning his disciples and warning them that they may not always “be received” well.

It was an awful evening of emotional upset when Bettina was clearly very troubled about the issue of letting go of the past - we even bumped into her previous boyfriend in a restaurant! She needed reassurance and a sense of security but (in the interest of honesty) I had been naive enough to tell her quite a bit already about my journey of the last few years. I assumed she would realise by this just how important she was to me. I am very stupid sometimes. We talked for hours at the very edge of risk and trust, and with a depth of understanding I suspect many couples take years to reach - but the forces of fear and pain were also very great.

S 22nd March 2003: When I got home I discovered a water leak in an almost inaccessible place in my bathroom. Water was running through the kitchen ceiling and I just couldn’t stop the flow completely. Already shaken up, I began to feel I was being overwhelmed - in its relatively small way, this was the ‘decisive flood’ of my dream on the night after we had met!

This was a perfect example of the synchronicity between ordinary life events and important developments in our inner lives. I knew this was a critical time, and there was much more to come. But next day I had no opportunity to deal with either problem since I was committed to taking a group of boys to an important sports tournament. I patched up the leak as best I could and set off.

S 23rd March 2003: On the way I saw together ... TAO (which means ‘the spiritual path’) and M 387 ARK, another reference to the commissioning of the disciples, who were given the power of healing.

In the middle of the tournament that afternoon, Bettina called me on my mobile `phone to say that we couldn’t continue our relationship because she was too afraid that I couldn’t let go of my past feelings for others. I can hardly remember ever having felt such desolate emptiness as in that moment. We were both in tears but she was determined. In a flash I remembered a dream of several weeks earlier, before meeting her, that hadn’t made sense then.

D 7th February 2003: I was watching the final set of a doubles tennis match, a very close fought thing. It was won by an Indian pair and I found myself calculating an ‘average score’ which turned out to be 7 - 52. One of the players then showed me exactly the same figures on a calculator.

I had realised that this concerned something decisive, probably to do with relationships (‘doubles’). For some reason, ‘tennis’ often seems to suggest argument in dreams (hitting back and forth?) while - and I have absolutely no idea why - in my own dream experience Indian people always represent difficulties. The numbers were a clear reference to a time period of seven weeks. I realised that we were now into the seventh week since this dream and at the end of that week was Bettina’s birthday.

On the way home, however, there seemed a glimmer of hope.

S 23rd March 2003: In close proximity I saw the registrations ... CLU and H ... ELP and ... RWP (my father’s initials).

Well, perhaps I was clutching at straws, but this made me feel that my father was in some sense present and reassuring me. At this crucial moment in my emotional life I wasn’t ‘being received’ yet there would be a ‘healing’. Nonetheless it was a horrible week ahead.

The leak got worse so that I had to call an emergency plumber, with the consequent expense and disruption I’m sure you’re familiar with. I had difficulties at work and began to feel exhausted. My car was clamped! Bettina didn’t want to talk. Perhaps all these things seem like fairly ordinary worldly events? It is difficult to convey the utter turmoil of my heart and mind just then, mirrored in everyday life. My entire spiritual path of nearly eight years had centred on issues of relationship, learning new ways of being, learning how to love... and I already knew with certainty that Bettina was the most important woman I had ever met. There was simply an undeniable destiny between us. This was my greatest ever challenge (perhaps hers too). We had profound things to teach each other. But within two weeks of meeting, all this seemed to be collapsing around us.

How shallow! How faithless! How feeble!

Had I not learned anything from these years? Given that I made a lot of mistakes, surely I knew at least not to give up or run away when life gets difficult. And I knew that I had received an inordinate amount, perhaps more than anyone deserves, of coherent ‘guidance’ that made sense and showed me the way forward. Yes, living with an open heart means being vulnerable to pain, to being tossed about by life’s waves and sometimes being overcome by emotion. So this was the time when I had to reach for a place of inner stillness, to listen for the current of the river beneath its surface, to persevere in belief.

I do not go to church, I do not chant, or meditate for hours at a time. But however bad I feel I start and end each day by lighting a candle and having a few minutes of silent prayer in a special place at home. Sometimes I will also practise Reiki healing. This does not lead to instant clarity but it is a gesture of faith that gives structure to the day and, little by little, helps me to become more mindful in the real world of inner, quieter levels of consciousness. Over time this has brought a measure of calmness concerning what is or is not really important. I also have the blessing of a certain strength gained from the overwhelming evidence of life’s purposefulness seen in the spiritual guidance described in this account. There have been so many clear and accurate precognitive dreams, for example; even if I cannot always interpret them fully at the time (since they often involve people or events not yet encountered) their intent is clear and one learns to trust the process (and improve one’s interpretation) as their meanings unfold in real events. Likewise, by paying attention to these things one develops a better intuition about the significance of events.

So at the time of great disturbance described above, I reached for the inner place of quiet and strength and asked for renewed guidance. I recalled February’s dream of huge promise (which certainly predicted a future for us beyond March!). I found faith. And perhaps even above all of this, I listened to the truth of the love in my heart.

I would need to call upon all of these resources again and in the most desperate circumstances in the months ahead.

S 30th March 2003: I saw ...835 JOB. “Appeal to God. Be honest and...he will help you now.” There is also a reference here to ‘learning from the past’.

Later that day I made a hopeful call to Bettina and we talked for nearly three hours, the longest telephone conversation I have ever had in my life. Next day she invited me over and again there was that beautiful peace between us; we could not hold back now, and kissed for the first time. Somewhere, the universe sighed with relief.

Next week, we both went away on holidays booked before we had met but in every other way we were still totally in contact. She came to meet me on my arrival home and we made love for the first time.

It was the 13th of April, just over one hundred days since the

New Year (see the dream of 5th February), just after ‘4.10’, and it was now a very ‘Good Life’.

We became very close and happy, talking on the `phone every day, seeing each other several times a week; I could simply not remember any time in my life when I awoke each morning so full of energy and optimism, so sure that I was on the right course. This is not to say, however, that everything was easy! In particular, Bettina was finding the speed of it all difficult to deal with and had very real, justified fears about intimacy and trust. Sometimes it seemed that whatever I tried to do to reassure her was not enough and she would retreat for a little while behind a protective wall. I had already had a presentiment, while on holiday, that this was going to be the most challenging issue for us.

D 11th April 2003: It was a Sunday evening just after six o’clock and I was outside the main gates of my school in a car with ‘my family’, about to leave on a journey. Then I received a telephone call and someone told me urgently “You must get out now!” Immediately, some Special Forces personnel arrived with cables and other equipment to make the place safe.

I recalled previous occasions when I had had warning dreams just as a relationship was properly beginning. In the context of what had happened two weeks before this dream, I knew exactly what it meant. The ‘family journey’ was my life ahead with Bettina, protected by ‘special forces’... But you will remember that the school had previously represented my relationship with Alice (before it was ‘restructured’ in the March dream) - I was being warned to be clear about letting go of her completely, for this is what Bettina needed. If I knew this, then I should have also realised that the dream contained a specific prediction that the issue would become critical in six weeks time.

Meanwhile, I did heed the dream and was encouraged by further signs.

S 14th April 2003: M 124 ARK (“be prepared”) was followed by H ... ERO (“be strong”).

S 15th April 2003: ... 115 JOB refers to ‘making sacrifices’.

The next weekend was Easter, a blessed and terrible festival signifying both death and new life, the triumph of spring over winter, and the true spiritual turning point of the year. This Good Friday was a black day. I went to see Alice, who was still a friend though we had had no contact since the theatre visit in March, to tell her about Bettina and to say a final goodbye. It was incredibly difficult to do, not because I had any doubts whatsoever about the new way but because I did still care for her; as I have said, love does not evaporate when life’s circumstances change. The relationship had been over for a long time, and I thought we were at peace with that. I certainly wasn’t prepared for her reaction of shock and upset. I didn’t know how to handle this and I probably seemed quite cruel towards her. She didn’t deserve that. Death.

Then on Easter Day Bettina came with me to meet my family, a happy and peaceful day all the more so because my family life had been so troubled in the past. It felt like a true and profound healing was taking place. Resurrection.

One further major event at the end of this month touched me very deeply:

S 28th April 2003: The major restoration work on my school was finally complete and a small ceremony was held to mark the achievement. It seemed very important to me that I should attend because this whole period had had such symbolic meaning for my own inner life. Minutes before it began, Bettina arrived completely unexpectedly to be with me having taken time off work simply because she understood the significance of the occasion for us. I could hardly believe how much I was being loved.

It is interesting that, despite all the renewed activity of my personal life, the frequency of dreams, signs and readings remained at the same reduced level of the previous year. In the first twenty- nine weeks of 2003 I had only eight memorable dreams and read the I Ching only six times (an average of around once every four weeks or so). I noted ninety-four car registrations and there were ten other important synchronicities (together an average of one every two days).

You may be thinking that in this account I am only referring to a selection of these that ‘made sense’ and ignoring many that didn’t, but it is not so. Certainly, a few of the dreams and readings were not fully understood (although virtually all were in the course of time) but there is no question of their meaningfulness and coherence. It is more true to say that a higher proportion, about a quarter, of the synchronicities such as car registrations held little or apparently no meaning for me and I think one would expect this to be the case: there are many car numbers that are potentially significant but it is unreasonable to expect every observation of them to be so. The moment and the life situation must be taken into account, and it will always be a subjective judgement whether a genuine synchronicity has occurred. In any case, is it not utterly remarkable that any of these events should be meaningful?! Finally, I am not of course listing every dream and reading and sign in this account because on the one hand that would be very boring and on the other hand many were concerned with matters (for example friends, career, finances) not relevant to the spiritual theme of the journey I am describing.

Perhaps the real reason for the ‘settling down’ of these phenomena is simply that I was by now well established along the path and if I often didn’t know quite where I was going at least I was confident of my direction. So I didn’t feel the need to read the I Ching, for example, and my unconscious mind needed to speak to me less often. This is certainly true of my relationship with Bettina - I may not have known how it would ‘work out in the end’ but I was totally certain that we belonged together. As you will read shortly, I didn’t even consult the I Ching about us until more than two months after our meeting.

It was already apparent, however, that there was great spiritual purpose in our relationship. She was undoubtedly the most challenging woman I had ever met, both intellectually very clever and also extraordinarily sensitive, with both tremendous strength in dealing with the world and also a deep vulnerability as a result of life’s wounds. (What challenges she has to meet in this life!) For me it was a matter of testing and developing further everything that I had tried to learn so far about relating to others more thoughtfully and lovingly.

Most of the time this wasn’t at all difficult - I was crazy about her! But as time passed and we became so close, some very difficult situations emerged. Many of these were essentially similar to others I had encountered before; there was a continuation of the pattern. For example, there was family resistance just as there had been with Alice. I recall the dream of 27th February 2001 in which there had been two separate ‘threats’ by young people, as well as the prediction of a meeting with a woman now recognised as Bettina. And she, just like Alice, would sometimes become nervous of our growing intimacy and withdraw (though fighting defiantly) behind security barriers.

As the eighth anniversary of my path approached, all hell broke loose. I had been warned in the April dream but had failed to recognise the predicted timing then. So I was reminded.

S 7th May 2003: M 124 ARK has been mentioned before and speaks of ‘being prepared’.

S 13th May 2003: First there was M 270 ARK followed by ... SAD and H ... ELL.

D 15th May 2003: My son was captain of a football team playing a cup final, a very tough and close match. The opposition scored but it was disallowed, then we scored through an accidental own goal. There were now ten minutes to hold out but I knew that our team would win.

The second car registration above refers to Jewish lawyers objecting to the way Jesus was speaking. Clearly, this was going to lead to big trouble. Hmm, Bettina is Jewish and a lawyer... As for the dream, I confess that I completely disregarded it at first because I had been watching football the previous evening and my own favourite team were indeed soon to play a final. But of course it is our everyday thoughts that are often used as the language of important dreams and the unusual features of this one should have alerted me. A goal being disallowed is ‘something that shouldn’t happen’, while an own goal is ‘a mistake’ - no matter that it was the other team scoring it, for any character in a dream may be representing an aspect of ourselves. My son, therefore, represents me (a spiritual youngster) and I am being urged to play the captain’s role, to be decisive and determined.

Just four days later, Bettina’s behaviour suddenly changed, becoming defensive and harsh; neither of us really knew why this was happening except that, despite all my reassurance, she felt threatened. Well, I have said that she is sensitive: she was clearly sensing events of a day later when out of the blue Alice contacted me and needed to see me, to say that she was in great pain and sorry for everything...This tore at my heart and I just didn’t know how to deal with it properly. It ‘shouldn’t have happened’ - after the warning dream in April I had told her that the parting was final, and I don’t know what else I could have done. But I made the mistake of not being clear and decisive enough now. This caused Bettina upset and sadness.

I was being asked the most serious questions now. Yes, I had

loved Alice but life had taken a new path and there was no doubt in my heart of my commitment to Bettina. On the other hand, she was now rejecting me! Who and what should I trust? The incredible irony of the situation was that it was through my relationship with Alice that I learned to trust my heart, never to give up when all seems lost, to risk everything and to bear pain. It was clearly time for a reading.

IC 21st May 2003: I asked what was God’s will for my relationship with Bettina. By this I was asking about our spiritual purpose together; perhaps we had met purely to challenge each other along the way rather than to form a lasting bond? But Hexagram 32 is “Duration” and concerns enduring union between people, in which one must change with the times while one’s inner being remains firm. There were two moving lines both warning that moving too fast or with anxiety will lead to misfortune; true duration can only be created gradually. This was a pretty good description of our relationship thus far. But “misfortune”? The outcome of the reading was one of the most favourable Hexagrams in the whole book, number 14 “Possession In Great Measure”, which name almost speaks for itself; it is described as a union of strength and clarity, a graceful powerfulness achieved through dedication to modesty. This too described beautifully the feelings that we had already shared at special moments.

Despite this accurate and deeply spiritual response, I was still confused and in pain. Bettina was not being at all nice or understanding! We had our first row and a very major one at that. Walking in the school gardens, I prayed despairingly and asked for ‘a sign’. I cringe now at my own foolishness, but in a moment of weakness I found myself suggesting to God that a white feather, like last summer, would mean that I was making a mistake with this relationship whereas a black one would mean that I was on the right course...

S 22nd May 2003: When I went to bed that night I picked up a magazine of stories that had lain untouched since its arrival weeks before. The first story I read described a character being covered from head to foot with black feathers.

We were in a very strange place, in love but hurting each other, afraid of being together and of being apart. We made up, and if anything our feeling was even deeper than before. But there were still warning signs.

S 6th June 2003: 629 DAN in which Daniel’s faith and belief is tested.

Then the walls came crashing down again, inadvertently toppled by Alice again. She called to say that her mother, with whom I had been friends and whom I used to visit, was seriously ill. Once more, Bettina felt threatened by the past relationship and wanted me to give up all contact, including with the old lady. The next fortnight was unimaginably horrible as Bettina turned away and I wrestled with morality, while everywhere around me I seemed to see references to the numbers ‘eight’ and ‘four plus four’. It was now my birthday, the eighth anniversary of the decision to leave my marriage, and as I reached the end of this cycle I felt that I had failed completely. I had taken great risks, lived and loved with all my heart, but it seemed that I had lost everything.

S 16th June 2003: For my birthday, a friend mentioned earlier did a Rune reading for me: “Strength and sacrifice will bring joy and victory. There are battles ahead but the outcome is good if you do not fight.” I was being told again to keep faith and trust with humility in the guidance of spirit.

S 17th June 2003: JOB 378 says that “the animals go back inside their dens”, meaning that the danger is over. This was followed by ... JOY.

D 18th June 2003: At first I found myself with a group of wild lions, moving among them and reaching into each one’s chest to touch the heart. As I did so they became peaceful. Then I was in a chapel, knowing that someone close to me had died. There was a feeling of sadness but of completion too. I arranged several small glass vases of blue flowers on an altar. As I woke up I could hear in my head the Barclay James Harvest song “We Will Survive Beyond The Grave”.

There was a clear link between the first part of this dream, the signs of the day before and that of the 6th June. I had to be brave, despite my sense of loss. And, all over again, I had to be very clear about letting go of Alice (the vases were reminiscent of some she owned) once and for all. Figuratively, I had to kill her. Again.

Hearing a song as I wake has been a fairly common experience that has always had a deep impact, reinforcing the message of dreams (as on the 5th of February) or sometimes replacing them. This time I had a strong conviction that it represented my father’s presence with me. The feeling stayed, and was very real, for several more days. It urged me to do some very extreme things and even now it rather shocks me that I was capable of them. First, I removed paintings connected with Alice from my walls and then I returned a birthday present she had given me. I threw away her letters. I told her again that there was to be no more contact between us. These things were unimaginably hard because I felt they were immoral and dishonest. I felt ashamed.

But, incredibly, things immediately started to change.

S 23rd June 2003: I turned on the car radio and heard a play entitled “My Dad Knows”, which was about people

sometimes having to do dishonest things for the sake of others. Further along the road I saw two cars, firstly M 57 ARK which refers to “breaking the chains” and then ... 88 JON where Jesus says “Let he who is without sin throw the first stone”.

So perhaps, I felt, I might be forgiven. That evening I wrote to Bettina telling her what I had done and that I loved her.

S 24th June 2003: I got up in the morning and walked in my garden, to find that the very murky pond water had completely cleared overnight. I have absolutely no idea how this happened. Then I went to deliver the letter and on the way saw 799 DAN which describes God’s glory and ultimate victory.

It was the reassurance she needed and she responded immediately and lovingly.

S 25th June 2003: The car ... 119 LEV refers (in Leviticus) to “the need to make sacrifices”.

S 26th June 2003: M 23 ARK tells of how the paralysed man was healed, while ...136 ACT tells of the resurrection and promises the blessing of the Holy Spirit.

IC 3rd July 2003: A belated birthday reading for “My year ahead?” yielded the simple response of Hexagram 43, “Breakthrough”. It describes a time of release from a long period of tension but counsels that one must still be very aware and resolute in developing one’s character.

At the time this seemed wonderfully simple, the signs together almost appearing to suggest that everything would now be fine... Oh no, the spiritual life just isn’t like that and I would later discover that the words held a double-edged meaning. After all, if a major cycle was now ending then a new one must be beginning. And when any growth cycle ends and another begins, there is a very critical period of hiatus in between.

For the moment, I couldn’t have cared less. However challenging the path, I had absolutely no doubt that we were on course together and the next two months were just extraordinarily happy. This most complex and fantastic of women did not become a soft pussycat overnight and there were still some very difficult days when she felt hurt or afraid. But little by little we were handling these moments better. She began to trust and open up more to me, and there was such a powerful love between us then. My parents’ anniversary this year - exactly one year after my first meeting with the medium Grace and my father’s healing message - was one of the happiest of my life, as for the first time we spent more than twenty- four hours together and totally at peace. The last day of our first holiday together in August simply was the happiest of my life as we touched an unimaginable depth of union.

Perhaps I hadn’t failed after all.