EPISODE 12 EPISODE 12Did this thing shrink? I wondered, while stuffing the relevant bits and pieces into my sports bra. I had resolved to drop a few excess pounds after the holidays, and putting on workout clothes was half the battle.
“Now I have to exercise today,” I mumbled before trudging to the kitchen for coffee.
After driving the kids to school in our dirty white minivan, I headed home, fully intending to jog directly to the base gym and lift weights. Pulling into my driveway, I noticed the messy interior of the van and decided I had to vacuum the van before my run.
There’s something about Shop-Vacs, leaf blowers, and power washers. Once I get the tool going, I can’t seem to put the thing down. It’s exhilarating to cleanse one’s life of debris and clutter, and I never want that feeling to end.
Two hours later, I had not only vacuumed the van, I had also sucked the cobwebs out of the garage, the sand off the screened porch, the dog hair off the living room floor, the peanuts from under the couch cushions, and the crumbs out of the utensil drawers.
I breathed a huge sigh of cleansed relief, and then noticed the time. “Criminy!” I blurted, “I need to get on that jog!” I decided to save the weight lifting for the following day, and just get the run in. But before I go, I thought, I’d better hit the bathroom.
My middle-aged bladder no longer cooperates. I was always one of those girls who could hold it forever like some kind of Arabian camel. But once I hit age forty, my bladder got fed up and took my urethra hostage. Essentially, when the urge strikes, I’d better find the bathroom pronto, or my bladder will open the release valve on my own little Hoover Dam.
While doing my business, I noticed an interesting article on space exploration in the latest National Geographic.
Amidst a resounding flush, I emerged from the bathroom with an empty bladder and a brain full of newfound information on space exploration, scatology, airborne microbes, and Ecuadorian parakeets.
“Fascinating,” I muttered while tying up the string on my workout pants.
It was on the early side of lunchtime according to the clock. I couldn’t go on a run with an empty stomach, of course. Ever a multitasker, I ate lunch at the computer while checking emails.
Computers can be evil. Just like I can’t just buy one thing at Target, I find it nearly impossible to just “check email.” Somehow, tabs get opened, links get clicked, and next thing you know, I’ve told someone what I ate for lunch on Facebook, bid on a set of vintage Pyrex nesting bowls on eBay, and watched three YouTube videos of babies laughing.
Suddenly my watch alarm beeped, signaling it was time to get back in the minivan to pick up the kids from school. “Well, darn it,” I huffed, “I guess I’ll have to power walk later this afternoon.”
A couple of hours later, I was ready for that walk, but first decided I’d better fluff and fold the laundry real quick so Francis’s uniforms wouldn’t wrinkle. Since folding laundry is about as fun as watching paint dry, I flipped on the TV.
I must say, those shows about hoarders are riveting. Like a train wreck, they’re awful and tragic, but you can’t stop watching.
An hour later, I had to defrost the chicken; I had to take Lilly to her tennis lesson; I had to load the dishwasher; I had to scratch the dog’s belly; I had to watch that new episode of Modern Family.
At 10:00 p.m., Francis woke me on the couch to lead me to bed. My workout clothes were quite cozy, so in a Flashdance-inspired move, I took off my sports bra and climbed right into bed.
My workout clothes will already be on when I wake up in the morning, I thought to myself before dropping off to sleep, so I’ll have to exercise tomorrow, for sure.