All the way home from Gabriel’s, Elden thought about what his uncle had said about the necessity of believing in himself—and believing in himself and Millie as a couple. He knew he loved her, and not in the same way he had loved Mary. With Mary, he’d been so thrilled when she expressed interest in him that his feelings had quickly become almost a worship of her. Which he could see, looking back, had been wrong on more than one level. It wasn’t an excuse, but he realized now that he’d been innocent of the love between a man and a woman. He’d gotten caught up in the thrill of the romance. He and Mary hadn’t had that much in common. Not like he and Millie. Millie thought like he did and laughed at the same silly things. Millie was so easy to be with, and he liked who he was when he was with her.
Gabriel was right. Elden and Millie needed to talk. He wanted to tell her that her desire to keep their betrothal a secret made him fear she wasn’t sure she wanted to marry him. He would admit to her that it brought back his insecurities concerning Mary, and even if that wasn’t fair, it was how he felt. He needed to confess that he wasn’t as confident a man as he appeared to be.
Gott must have been thinking the same thing, because as Elden approached his farm, he spotted Millie at the end of their driveway at the mailbox. She was as pretty as ever with a blue scarf over her head, and when she saw him, she gave him a smile that made him light-headed. Because her smile was for him alone.
He eased his buggy up next to her and slid open the window. “Need a ride?” he asked.
Samson wiggled his way under Elden’s feet and set his front paws on the windowsill to greet her.
Millie laughed. Her cheeks rosy from the cold, she stroked the bulldog’s head. There was a light dusting of snow on her scarf and a wisp of blond hair on her cheek that was damp. He ached to touch it.
“A ride where?” Millie asked. “I’ve only come to our mailbox to see if Dat’s copy of the Budget arrived. It should have been here yesterday and he’s in a bad way.”
“You don’t even have a coat on,” Elden pointed out.
She tugged at her sweater. “I didn’t think I needed it for such a short trip.” She looked up. “But then it started snowing again.”
Samson gave a little bark as if he agreed.
“All right, boy. Off,” Elden ordered, pointing at the floor. The dog obeyed, making his way to his favorite place on the passenger seat so he could look out the window.
“I could give you a ride back to your house,” Elden told Millie.
She held the mail against her so it wouldn’t get wet, laughing. “Elden, I don’t need a ride.”
“Oll recht.” He grinned. “It’s good to see you, Millie. I got so used to seeing you every day that missing a few days makes me feel...a bit lost,” he said.
She took a step closer and rested one hand on the windowsill. “I’ve missed you, too, Elden.”
When she said it, he knew it was true and silently chastised himself for questioning her feelings for him. Maybe he hadn’t been able to read Mary, but he felt like he was finding his way with Millie. “When can I see you?” he asked. “We need to talk.” He didn’t think this was the best place to have the conversation they needed to have. Besides, he told himself, he wanted to plan what he was going to say. He went on quickly before he lost his nerve. “Look, Millie, I know I probably should have waited to ask you to marry me until we’d been courting longer. But it just came out. You looked so beautiful that day and I’ve known for some time that I wanted to spend my life with you and—” He looked away, fearful he would tear up. What would she think of him, a grown man crying?
Her hand was on the sill beside his and she brushed his fingertips with his. “Ya, we should talk.” She exhaled. “Because either we’re betrothed or we’re not. It’s not something to hide.” Now she was the one who looked away.
“Don’t worry,” he whispered. “We’ll figure this out. Because I do love you, Millie.”
She lifted her lashes to look into his eyes. “And I love you, Elden,” she murmured.
“You do?” His heart fluttered and he broke into a grin. She loved him!
“Ya, Elden. I’ve loved you my whole life, I think.”
“Oh, Millie.” Tying up the reins, he opened the buggy door and stepped down and pulled her into his arms because he didn’t think he could live another moment without holding her. She fit perfectly against him, and they stood in the falling snow with her head on his chest, her armful of mail between them.
“This is nice,” she murmured.
Elden was too full of emotion to speak, so he just held her.
She was the one who came to her senses first. She gave a bubbly laugh and stepped back. “Enough of that.” She looked up at him shyly. “If your mother or my father sees us, we’ll both be in hot water.”
“Ya.” He couldn’t stop smiling, because everything really was going to be all right. Just as Gabriel had said. “When can I see you?”
“Ach.” She wiped at her face, which was wet from the snow. “We’ve so many projects to finish up before the Amish Christmas market on Saturday. And Jane and Beth have both caught terrible colds, so we’re not getting our items to sell ready as quickly as we thought. Will you be there?”
“Ya, I’m selling my fresh-cut Christmas trees and some of the wreath frames. Might make some wreaths if I have time. I reserved an outside booth. You know, because of the trees.” He slid his hands in his pockets, mostly so he wouldn’t be tempted to hug her again. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to see you until it’s over. JJ was going to help me but now he can’t.”
“We rented a table inside.” She looked up at him. “We could do something after. I could ride there with my family and then you and I could go somewhere afterward.”
“Good idea.” He raised his eyebrows. “I think it’s over at three. We could go out for an early supper. We’ve never eaten out together and we’ll already be in town. There’s this mint milkshake that’s only available this time of year at one of the fast-food places. Want to go?”
Her eyes lit up. “I love mint milkshakes!” Then she grimaced. “Oh, but what about your mother? If she’s going to the market? If you have to take her home first, I should go home with my family and we can leave from there.”
“She may be going, I’m not sure. Knowing her, she won’t want to miss it.” He chuckled. “But I’ll have someone else take her home. Don’t worry about it.” He looked into her eyes again and wished he could stand there forever with her. But she wasn’t dressed for the snow in her thin sweater, and she was getting wet. “You should go in. You sure you don’t want a ride?”
“No ride, Elden. I’ve two feet.” She ran her hand down his coat sleeve. “I’ll see you Saturday. Ya?”
“Saturday,” he agreed and got into his buggy. But he didn’t back out of her driveway right away. Instead, he sat there watching Millie walk up her lane, imagining what it would be like when her lane was his—theirs—and then when he walked in the door at the end of each day, she would be waiting for him.
By noon Saturday, the Amish Christmas market was packed. Spence’s Bazaar had rented out every available space inside the sprawling building as well as outside in a parking lot. Amish men and women were selling baked and canned goods, quilts, wooden toys and greenery. Englishers had also rented space and were selling all sorts of holiday frippery that was definitely not Plain. There were Christmas tree ornaments that flashed red, white and blue, plastic dolls in red velvet skirts, sweaters one could have their dog’s name embroidered on while they waited, and so many Christmas stockings that it made Millie’s head spin. There was Christmas music playing loudly from speakers and so many Englishers with their big voices that it was overwhelming.
Millie and her sisters were having a good sales day, which made up for all the chaos around them. Each of them had contributed in some way. They sold knitted hats, scarves and mittens, potpourri sachets from dry pine needles and jars of jam with pretty scraps of fabric and ribbons on the tops. Then they had baked goods: dozens of Christmas cookies as well as apple tarts and pecan sticky buns they’d made with the nuts they’d picked from their own trees.
At first it was fun, but as the day wore on, the Koffman sisters all began to look forward to returning home to their quieter, simpler lives. And Millie was looking forward to her date with Elden. A date with her betrothed. She had to keep reminding herself of that. She was engaged to be married. Unfortunately, she’d been so busy that she hadn’t had a chance to go outside to say hello to Elden. It seemed like their line of customers never got any shorter, and without Jane and Beth, home sick, they worked nonstop selling their goods.
It wasn’t until a few minutes before the market officially closed that Millie was finally able to catch her breath. She sat down on a metal chair and had a long drink of water. “My feet are so tired,” she muttered, wishing now that she’d worn her leather shoes that were sturdier than the sneakers she’d chosen. “I almost wish I hadn’t told Elden I’d go out with him tonight.”
“Want me to go out with him instead?” Willa teased.
Millie laughed. “I think not.”
“Are you leaving straight from here?” Eleanor tucked a handful of cash she’d counted into a tin box.
“I think so, but I’m not sure.” Millie took another sip of water and fished a piece of gingerbread cookie from a bag of broken ones they’d brought along for snacking. The crowds had thinned out so that few shoppers were passing their table now. “I haven’t gotten to talk to him yet. I saw him when I went to get our sandwiches and we waved to each other, but he was busy trimming branches off a tree for a woman carrying a dog in her pocketbook.”
“I saw Lavinia earlier,” Henry said. She was busy stacking empty wooden crates to take home. They’d sold nearly every single item they’d brought with them. The only items left were a few jars of pickled beets, a loaf of country white bread and a few bags of cookies. “She said something about going to the fabric store with Elsie and then home. I guess that means she’s catching a ride with Gabriel.”
“Why don’t you go see what your plans are, Millie?” Eleanor suggested, counting another stack of money. There was relief all over their big sister’s face. They had made a lot of money today.
“You sure?” Millie asked. “You don’t want me to help clean up?”
“Not much to clean up, is there?” Cora looked up from a paperback book on local plants that she’d bought from a stall nearby. “We sold most everything.”
The Christmas music that had been blasting for hours stopped suddenly in the middle of a song and they all seemed to sigh in unison. It felt like the sixth or seventh time they’d heard the song about a grandmother being trampled by a reindeer.
“Go on, Millie,” Eleanor encouraged. “Let us know what you’re doing once you know.” She glanced around. “It won’t take us long to finish up here. If we’re not here when you return, we’ll be at the buggy.”
Millie snugged her black bonnet over her organza kapp and reached for her cloak in the pile behind them. The building that was little more than a pole shed had been warm enough when it was packed with people, but it was cool now. “Be right back,” she said. She’d been so busy all day that she hadn’t had time to think about her date, but now she could feel her excitement bubbling inside her.
He had mentioned the other day when they saw each other that they needed to talk. She imagined he meant about when they were going to tell others they were engaged, and she had decided she was going to tell him she was ready now. And maybe this would be a good time to ask him about his breakup with Mary. And to talk about when they should make an appointment to speak with their bishops. There was also the matter of when they wanted to marry. It wasn’t the Amish way to have long courtships, but she wanted to know what he was thinking.
Millie tied her cloak as she walked away from the table, her gaze settling on an Amish woman she didn’t know, cuddling a baby on her shoulder. The infant’s head rested against its mother and Millie wondered what it would feel like to have her own baby. To have Elden’s baby. The thought was scary, but it made her heart ache in an unfamiliar way.
Passing the woman with her child, Millie wove her way through the building where everyone else was breaking down their makeshift shops. She passed through one of the exit doors and crossed the paved parking lot toward where Elden was set up. She could see that every one of his trees was gone and the only thing left was a freestanding post he’d used to hang wreaths on.
As she walked, her eyes scanned for him and then she saw him, his back to her. She’d know him anywhere: his slender build, broad shoulders and blond hair sticking out from beneath his beanie. As she drew closer, she saw him gesturing and realized he was talking to someone. She was just about to call out to him when he moved and she recognized who it was.
Her breath was knocked from her and she froze. It couldn’t be. Tears filled her eyes.
It was Mary. His betrothed. And even from this distance, she could hear Elden laughing. She saw him smiling down at the woman: the petite, beautiful Mary with her honey-colored hair and hazel eyes. And Mary was smiling at him the way a woman smiled at her beau. The way Millie smiled at him.
For a very brief time, Millie had thought Elden might really marry her. But, in her heart of hearts, she had known it would never happen. She had known that day when she had fallen over the fence that no matter how much she loved him, he would never be hers. She had known that men so perfect, so beautiful inside and out, didn’t marry girls like her. They married perfect girls like Mary.
Millie found it difficult to catch her breath. She closed her eyes, fearing she might faint, and she hung her head, taking in great gulps of cold air.
Mary had returned for Elden.
And there he was smiling at her. Welcoming her home.
What did Millie do now? Did she walk away? She certainly wasn’t going to make a scene. She cared too much for Elden to do that. And what would be the point, other than everyone talking later about how foolish Millie Koffman had been about a man who could never have been hers.
Nay, she was better than that. But she couldn’t just walk away, either.
Millie took a deep, shuddering breath and forced herself to put one foot in front of the other. She walked right over to Mary and Elden, and without looking at him, she smiled at Mary and her perfect teeth and her perfect slender little face and said, “Mary, I didn’t know you were back. Millie Koffman,” she introduced herself.
“Good to see you again,” Mary said in a melodic voice. Her eyes, however, suggested that she was trying to place Millie. She didn’t seem to remember her, even though she’d lived within miles of Millie for almost a year. Of course that was because skinny girls like Mary didn’t remember fat girls like Millie.
“Visiting for long?” Millie asked, afraid her face would crack from her smile.
“I—” Mary looked at Elden. “I’m not sure.”
Millie turned toward Elden but didn’t look at him because she couldn’t bear it. “Could I speak to you?” she asked, not recognizing her own voice. This had to be one of the hardest things she had ever done in her life. As hard, as terrible, as saying goodbye to her mother.
Before Elden could respond, Millie walked to the edge of the parking lot, the wet snow slushy at her feet. The horses and cars and foot traffic had made a muck of the pristine snow and now it was soiled with dirt and manure and discarded candy wrappers and soda pop cans.
Her back was to him when he approached.
“What’s wrong?”
He reached out to touch her shoulder as he walked around to face her and she pulled away. She couldn’t let him touch her because if he did, surely she would shatter. And then no one would be able to pick up the pieces, not even her family who loved her.
“I release you,” she said, her voice so soft that he leaned closer.
“What did you say?”
Still, she couldn’t look at him. Instead, she focused on a greasy bit of snow on the toe of her boot. “I release you,” she said louder. “From our betrothal agreement.”
“You what?” he asked.
“I won’t marry you,” she said. “I... I don’t want to marry you, Elden.”
He just stood there, his arms at his side, and said nothing.
What was there to say?
Millie made it all the way to her buggy before she burst into tears.