THREE

My Mama, Your Mama

I BEEN INSIDE ME to the place I ain’t never wanted to know. That’s what I was thinking to tell Bett-Bett when she asked me why I wasn’t in school this past week. I say to her I been sick. Which is good enough for her to know about my business. I don’t need her digging up some bone and passing it around. Last thing she need to know is the truth. That I missed school because of him.

I ain’t saying his name. I ain’t never, ever going to say it. I won’t ever put it in my mouth. I don’t even want it in my mind, because it’s all connected to his face. And the day I seen his face in the cafeteria three weeks ago, I thought I was going to die right there, holding a tray of tacos and fruit cocktail. I seen him coming right at me from the snack line where you pay with money, not lunch tickets. He had a whole tray of fries and he ain’t even see me. But I seen him and dropped my tray on the floor and run out the cafeteria. I ain’t stop running until I got to the lavatory, even though this security guard started chasing me, screaming, Where you think you going? What you done did?

But he couldn’t come in the lavatory. Wasn’t nothing but these girls in there combing they heads and looking at theyselves in the mirror. I went in a stall and locked the door and I had to shit real bad. I usually can’t go in a public place, but I couldn’t hold it and I even sat down on the seat. Then this lady security guard come banging on the door of the stall I was in. Who in there? she ask.

I say, I’m sick. Can you just leave me alone? I ain’t done nothing. I’m sick, is all.

She sick, I hear one them girls say. Hell, she smell like she dying. Then they laughed and I heard them leave. I was so embarrassed.

The security say, What you was running for? You know you ain’t supposed to be running in the building.

And I’m thinking, Why she standing out there smelling my shit and asking me stupid questions? But I just say, I had to go.

She say, All right. I’ll let you off this time. Next time you getting detention.

Then she left, too, and it was just me there with that boy name inside my head. With that boy name inside my mouth so nasty-tasting that I hocked and spit right on the floor. My knees was shaking like before. Like then. That night. I wished Eboni was with me but she ain’t even in school now. She having two twins and her doctor say she need to be home in bed. She already know they girls, and she done picked out names. Asia and Aisha. I wanted to cry but it seem like my tears is all dried up in me and they left some craziness behind like salt. I could taste it in my mouth when I spit.

All I could think to do was get out of school, and I went right straight to the nurse to get me a excuse. The nurse a white man here at Lincoln. Who ever heard of a man a nurse? He act like he ain’t want to let me go home.

I’m sick, I say.

Is that so? he say. He was reading a book and snapping gum like a girl. Then he ask, What time does your soap opera come on, girl? One or two?

I say, Excuse me. I’m for real. It’s my stomach. I got my period and I got some bad cramps. I done bled through three straight pads this morning.

He looked at me like he done heard that excuse a thousand times before and say, I don’t care if you go home or not. It’s no skin off my nose, hon.

Static. Static. Static. That’s the thing be getting to me about school. Elementary school. Middle school. High school. Ain’t no difference. It’s all the time some teacher nem act like they know you. Act like they can shine a light inside your head and see what you thinking.

I ain’t say nothing to that nurse. I let him think that my head was so empty that all I want to do was fill it watching some stupid-ass soaps about a bunch of skinny white women wearing expensive clothes and living in fancy houses even if they supposed to be poor and having a bunch of make-believe problems. Black women too. They lives be just like the white women’s. Fake. I got real problems. So I kept my mouth all shut up and got my excuse.

Then I got Imani from the nursery. She was sleeping, looking just like me. Even though I can’t say I know what I really look like when I sleep, because I be sleeping and can’t see myself. But it’s got to be just like Imani. My eyes shut real tight like I’m studying on something. Like there be something in my dreams I especially want to see.

Mrs. Poole say babies dream. She say don’t nobody know what they dream about. Sometime Imani be laughing in her sleep. If it’s night, she be waking me up. I jump up thinking that girl wake. But she ain’t, and I stand over her crib looking at her. I know Imani got to be dreaming about something. I be hoping it’s me. Wishing there was a way I could climb down inside her dream and shine a light on me holding her in my arms. Seeing me rocking her in my arms strong like the branches of the tree outside my bedroom window. And her laughing because I’m rocking her higher and higher, past all the soft leaves and into the dark where the moon rising over us and she know she safe because I’m holding her and won’t never ever let her fall.

When I was little, sometime I would wake up laughing. I never could remember exactly about what. I like to think it was Mama and me I was laughing about. That she was holding me with love all in her arms.

 

There wasn’t no way I was going home that time of day. Mama would just have some more static for me, so I went over to Eboni. Miss Lovey wasn’t there. Eboni was, and she wasn’t even in bed like she was supposed to be. She was in the kitchen, making Buffalo wings. Her school tutor was already gone for the day. She ask me, Girl, what’s the matter?

I was wondering if I looked so bad. If I looked so crazy. If that boy name was wrote right across my face. I say, I had to cut out early because I wasn’t feeling good. Eboni know me real good. I know she could tell that wasn’t all. But she say, Have lunch with me.

Imani was still sleep and I put her down in Eboni room and finished up making the chicken while Eboni sat down. I told her, You know you shouldn’t even be on your feet.

Eboni say, Shoot, I’m hungry and I’m eating for three people.

I say, You should have wait until your mama come home. Miss Lovey a good cook.

Eboni say, She don’t cook like I want. The doctor got me off salt and I ain’t supposed to be eating fried foods. I done gained seventy-five pounds.

I ain’t say nothing to Eboni about her weight. Because it wouldn’t be nothing but the pot calling the kettle black. I’d already dumped almost a half block of some government butter in the skillet to melt over the wings. I got the hot sauce and had poured on a half of a big bottle, and Eboni say, Put on more.

You crazy, I say. They hot enough and that sauce full of salt.

She say, Then add some cayenne.

I put in a whole heap and Eboni took the plate of wings I fixed up for her with blue cheese and celery. She was eating them wings and slinging bones like she was starving. I sat there all quiet like, just watching the pile of empty bones grow on her plate.

She say, I know something really wrong with you if you ain’t eating nothing. What happened at school?

I seen him, I say with my voice as flat as I could make it, trying to sound like I was feeling real normal and had some sense. Like the craziness ain’t take me all over.

Who? Peanut? she ask.

I say, Not no Peanut. I don’t care nothing about no Peanut. I seen him. You know who I mean. For a few seconds I think Eboni didn’t know who I was talking about until she looked at me real hard in the face and I just know she seen that boy name wrote there.

Oooh, she say, sucking grease off her fingers. No, you ain’t even seen him.

I did, I say. Right in the cafeteria. I guess he been there all the time. Ain’t no way I would’ve ever come to Lincoln if I know that’s where he go.

Eboni say, You should transfer. When I have the twins, I ain’t coming back to Lincoln. I’m going to East. It’s closer. Come with me.

Soon as Eboni say that, I got a pain right in my stomach like I needed to go to the bathroom again. I was thinking, How I’m going to tell Mama I want to switch schools? If I ain’t want to after the shooting last month, ain’t no way she was going to believe I want to do it now.

Lincoln ain’t that kind of school where there be shootings and stabbings like it’s a regular way of life. It ain’t locked down like a prison and you got to be passing through metal detectors and getting patted down. Wasn’t never even no shooting there until that day.

We was just being dismissed. I had got Imani from the nursery and had her in her stroller. We was in the main hall, where there was like two hundred to three hundred kids, when all these other kids come busting back in the main doors, running and screaming. They shooting. They shooting outside, they was screaming. And they kept on running right up the hall, pushing past people. Teachers. Kids. They even knocked down a security guard. Then all the kids already in the hall started running. I swear my heart wasn’t even beating I was so scared. I thought they was going to run right over me and Imani. I snatched my baby out her stroller. Her leg got caught in the strap. I jerked her hard and got her loose just as I got smashed into some lockers. But I bounced off. I ain’t have to think about where to go. The crowd carried me into the front office, where the principal and secretaries nem be. I got pushed behind the main desk where the secretaries was already on the floor. Everybody kept on pushing and screaming and I almost fell. Then I heard the principal, Mr. Diaz, yelling for us to all lay down. Get down, he say. Get down. Stay down!

I fell right where I was and landed on some girl who ain’t say nothing. Then this boy landed right on top of me and Imani. And Imani started screaming. My baby, I say. You squashing my baby. Get off!

He was crying. Big old boy too, with hair on his face. I wasn’t crying. But I could feel my heart then going like crazy. Imani wasn’t hurt. She was scared. Her eyes was all big like she want me to tell her what was going on. But I ain’t know. I just held her tight to me.

Mr. Diaz jumped over the main desk like he was Superman or something. One of the secretaries was screaming, Mr. Diaz don’t go out there. But he kept right on going. I could hear him in the halls telling kids to get down.

I ain’t hear no gunshots. But all I could think was somebody was dead right outside the school and if I’d stepped out them doors a few minutes earlier it could’ve been me or Imani. Or whoever was shooting could run right on in the building and kill us where we was laying. I started shaking then. Thinking, Who would ever want to die like this? On some regular old schoolday. At some regular old school laying under a desk too scared to move. I wanted to go home.

Mr. Diaz come back in a few minutes and say for us all to return to homeroom. Don’t go out the building until I say to. After the police come. Then he got on the intercom. Saying for everybody to stay calm and if they was hurt, to come to the nurse office.

I was still shaking when I left the office. The halls was packed and some kids was crying and others was laughing. These boys was saying that some dude got shot in the butt, that was all. They was laughing and other kids was laughing. Even some who was crying started laughing. Books and papers and backpacks everywhere. There was sneakers laying right where kids had run out of them. Half of the lockers open. I seen my stroller. It wasn’t bad off. It was real dirty where it got stepped on, and one of the arms was bent, but I could still push it.

Me and Mama and Miss Odetta watched the news that night, and the shooting was on every channel. The boy was really only shot in the butt and they didn’t keep him at the hospital. They say his wound was superficial. Mr. Diaz come on the news, looking all smooth. Like nothing happened. He say our school a good school and they ain’t never had no problem like this. The boy that was shot didn’t go to our school. It’s outside agitators. All the while he saying this, some kids was jumping up and down in the background and making faces, laughing. Then they interviewed this girl and boy who say they seen a jeep. It started going slow and pulled up in front of a bus. Then pow pow pow pow pow. Like it’s the Wild Wild West. That’s all they seen, because they ran back inside. The newsman say it’s a miracle nobody else got hurt or killed.

Miss Odetta say, They ain’t going to catch nobody. You wait and see.

Mama say, Ain’t this some shit? In front a school. They could’ve killed a bunch of kids. Them the kind of niggers don’t care about nobody. I’m telling you. You ain’t safe no goddamn place no more.

I say, They was probably all some drug dealers coming by our school messing things up.

Miss Odetta say, That ain’t got to be true. Why it got to be about drugs? She pulled a cigarette out her bra and lighted it. Then she say, Shit. Niggers was getting shot before there ever was drug dealers.

Mama give me a look and smile behind Miss Odetta back. Me and her knew not to say nothing else. We know Miss Odetta just say that because of June Bug. Miss Odetta know we know that June Bug dealing. Miss Odetta the one act like what he do is all right. Living on the down low in her basement. You can’t say nothing having to do with drugs without Miss Odetta throwing her two cent in. And what I really want to be doing when she do is throw her back a penny in change.

Mama say, They need to catch them and throw they asses under the jail.

Miss Odetta say, Don’t hold your breath.

Mama asked if I want to go to another school. I told her I didn’t. I got my daycare and everything all set up at Lincoln.

Mr. Diaz had a assembly the next day to tell us everything was safe. Even though I was thinking he can’t stop some fool from shooting. I mean, damn, if he can do that, he need to come around my way. Because they still be shooting around here. If there’s some shooting when me and Imani is up late, she don’t look at me like she done the first time she heard it. Like she got a question. Seem like she done already figured out the answer.

So things just settled back down to regular at Lincoln. The only trouble was that mess girls keep going. There some jealous girls go to our school. A group of bitches who roam in packs. They don’t like you if you pretty, so I don’t have no problems with them. They don’t even see me. They hunt girls like Coco. Two of them bitches beat Coco up in a lavatory. Ain’t no way skinny little Coco stand a chance against no two girls. They ripped five extensions out her head right from the root. Tore her shirt and bra right off her. Scratched up her face. Coco say they told her she wasn’t nothing. She wasn’t shit. Coco ain’t tell who it was. She too scared.

I know how she feel about not telling. Even though she know who them girls is. She got to see them every day. But she keep right on going like they ain’t even there. With a secret. Ever since she was jumped, Coco carry a knife. Not no little one neither. She showed it to me. It’s a butcher knife like your mama keep in the kitchen drawer and be chopping on meat with. She have it right in her backpack inside one of her notebooks. She keep the pack half zipped so she can get to it easy.

 

He say he had a knife. That night. He ain’t never show it to me. He say if he had to show it to me, he was going to have to use it on me. So he kept it like a secret.

When I was talking to Eboni that day after I seen him at school, I was thinking maybe that was what I need. A secret to keep me safe. Maybe I could sneak a knife out the house without Mama knowing, or go down to the Woolworth and buy one down in they basement. I’d be like Coco, have it where I could get to it easy. If he was to say something to me, he’d know all about it. I’d stab his ass right in the broad daylight in the cafeteria. But that was just that dried-up craziness in me. There ain’t no way I could do something like that. Not having Imani. I don’t know what she’d do if I was took from her or she was took from me.

Greasing on her chicken wings Eboni say to me, You should do like you should of done in the first place, Tasha. Tell your mama.

I got me another pain in my stomach. I say, My mama ain’t your mama. If Miss Lovey was my mama, I would’ve told her straight off.

Eboni say, My mother. Your mother. Live across the way. Fifteen. Sixteen. East Broadway. It was a song we’d sing when we was picking sides for kickball. We’d be lining ourselves up so we could end up on the same side. Eboni knew I’d give her the next lines of the song. Every night they have a fight and this is what they say. Icka Bicka Backa Soda Cracker. Out. Go. She. We finished up together.

But I say to her, I’m for real, Eboni. You know I can’t tell my mama. And don’t you be even telling Miss Lovey. Eboni was sucking on a bone and making no promises to me.

When Imani woke up, I took her on home. It was still light out. Before I unlocked the front door, I stood on the porch and erased my face. I closed my eyes and wrote on it that I just come from another boring day of school, because I knew the first thing I would see was Mama sitting on the couch looking me dead in the mouth when I walked in. But she wasn’t sitting there. The house ain’t had no smell like some dinner had been cooking, neither. It smelled like perfume. I knew right then Mama was going out.

She done met some man I ain’t even seen yet. He call sometime. All he say is can he speak to Earlene. Then she take the call up in her room. The thing is, he been calling for over a month and ain’t never been to our house. Mama meet him of if somewhere. That make me think he ain’t got no car. Or she don’t want me meeting him.

 

I went upstairs with Imani and peeked in Mama room. It was a mess. Her dresser top was covered with all kinds of makeup and brushes and sponges. Her shoes was all in a heap on the floor, and it looked like she throwed all her outfits across her bed. All it seem she decided on to wear was her nice bra and drawers. The kind men be liking. All black and made from lace.

Mama was sitting on the end of the bed with her face all made up, looking all pretty and soft, putting lotion on her legs. Her body all skinny like she ain’t never had a baby. Even her stomach flat. It got only a few thin stretch marks that circle her belly button like the petals on a flower. They so tiny you can’t hardly even see them. It’s like I was in her but barely left no sign I was there.

She say, Come on in here, Tasha.

I could only get the door part open. I squeezed in with Imani on my hip.

Mama say, I was fenna to leave you a note. But you here now. I’m going out. There’s a food stamp on the kitchen table if you want to go up to the Arabian store and get yourself something for dinner.

I ask, Where you going, Mama?

She say, Out. And smile like a girl going on a date. I don’t know. Maybe she feel like a girl. Mama ain’t nothing but thirty-two.

I ask, Well, when you coming back?

When I feel like it, Mama say. Girl, I’m grown. I know my way home. Why you in my business? Do I be in your business?

I say, Yeah, Mama, you do be.

And Mama laugh and snap the bottle of lotion shut. You damn straight I be in your business. Because I’m the mama and you the child. It’s my job to know your business. Did you take your pill today, Tasha?

I say, I did. I always take it, Mama. You going out with Royster? I ask. Even though I know it ain’t been him calling. Mama busted out laughing, and me too. Even Imani laughed like she knew who we was talking about.

Child, Mama say, I ain’t even going out with the Jherri Curl King no more.

Mama was dating Royster before Imani was born. I never did like him. Royster old enough to be Mama daddy. He all the time had a plastic bag on his head that stuck to his bald spot in the middle. Mostly I ain’t like him because he married. What Mama want with a married man, I don’t know. Miss Odetta got her this married man Simpkin she been going out with ever since I can remember. He give Miss Odetta money. Maybe Mama thought Royster going to give her money. But he never gave her none I ever seen.

Mama got up from the bed and I sat down behind her with Imani. Imani started squirming and whining to get down. I ain’t want to let her down in all that mess. She wasn’t going to do nothing but put something in her mouth. These days she be putting all kinds of things in her mouth she find on the floor. I bounced her on my lap. Imani liked that.

Mama say, If you go up to the store, get some more bread. She was pulling on a pair of tight jeans.

I say, I don’t think I’m going. I don’t feel so good.

Mama put on a red blouse and left the top three buttons open. Then she come over to me, kicking shoes out the way. She put the back of her hand to my head. It was all cool, and I smelled her perfume sweet like some candy. I could see right down her shirt to her titties.

Mama say, You cool as a cucumber, girl.

I say, It’s my stomach.

Mama say, Tasha, you just need to sit on the toilet. You probably constipated. Seem like you trying to get me to stay home with you tonight like you some baby.

I ain’t say nothing. I looked at Imani. She got hold of Mama housedress and was chewing on a button. Mama went over to the mirror, brushing her hair. I did want Mama to stay home. But I ain’t want to say it.

Mama say, Miss Odetta right next door if you need something. She was still looking in the mirror.

Imani need changing, I say. When I took the button out her mouth, she start crying, so I knew it was time for me to leave. I went to my room. Maybe I was being a baby. But I ain’t want to see Mama go out. I turned my radio up all loud so I wouldn’t have to hear the front door shut.

That evening I went on with the routine of feeding Imani and getting her ready for bed. When I put her in the tub, she kept on saying, Dada. Dada. She been saying that for a while now, but when she say it that night, it made me think of him. I washed off her tongue with the washcloth. Trying to wash that word right out her mouth. Don’t you be saying that, I say. You say Mama. Mama.

Imani wasn’t even stutting me. She kept right on saying Dada like she been saying. When I went to wipe out her mouth again, she grabbed hold of the rag and sucked on it like it was a bottle. My baby probably thought I was crazy. Which I ain’t. I was just on my way.

She went right to sleep after I give her a bottle, so I ain’t had no excuse for not doing homework. I left Imani in her crib, went on downstairs, and turned on the TV. I had a Latin test coming up on Friday. But I couldn’t even keep my mind on my work. I wanted to talk to somebody. I thought about calling Eboni. But she had already told me what she thought I should do. So I picked up the phone and called Peanut. I ain’t even let it ring one whole time before I hung up. I knew he ain’t want me calling him.

Like the nut he is, Peanut done left Lincoln. He transferred to South Park High. We don’t mess around no more. I don’t know. I think he done changed. He act like he don’t want to be with me now. Maybe he sick of doing it with me. If I call him, he act like I’m bothering him. He always got some excuse to get off the phone real quick. He tired. He on the other line. He doing homework. Like he do homework! He made the basketball team there. J.V. He say that keep him busy. But I know he ain’t just getting busy with no basketball. I know he seeing another girl.

Coco the one brung me that bone. Her cousin go to South Park too, and Coco say her cousin say Peanut be with this mixed girl. He be kissing her on the bus. It’s not like I love him or nothing. I miss being with Peanut. Kissing him. I don’t really miss doing it with him. He do it so fast. I always just wanted to get back to the kissing. I be dreaming about him sometime. That his long eyelashes is tickling my neck and I wake up laughing, and then be mad because it was only a dream.

It seem like after you been with somebody, after they done been all up inside you, that you could call them up. That you could say anything to them. Like, Hey, there’s something that’s bothering me. I don’t want you to do nothing but listen to me talk. To let me get this boy name out my mind. To get his name out my mouth. Off my face. You think a person could do that. But I ain’t even try it with Peanut. If I would’ve called him up and he had rushed me off the phone like I wasn’t nothing to him. Like he was so great and I was just some stupid bitch he was throwing table scraps to by actually talking to me for two minutes on the phone. I would’ve gone all the way to crazy.

 

I ain’t had nobody to talk to. I couldn’t tell Mama about him. I couldn’t tell her about that night. How stupid I was that night, the summer before Imani was born. Thinking he really liked me. As fat as I am. As black as I am. As much as my body look like it ain’t never supposed to be loved by no boy. Touched by no boy. That’s why I went from Skate-A-Rama with him instead of staying there like I should have. Because he say he liked me! I was smiling back too. Eboni wasn’t there, because she was home on punishment. I wasn’t skating much, because I’d rented a smaller size skate than what I really take. I was wearing a nine then, and I ain’t want that big red number blazing out from the back of my skate, telling the world how big my feet was. So I got me a size seven. They was real cute on my feet while I was sitting down on a bench looking at them. He come up to me while I was sitting down judging my feet. He ain’t even have on no skates. He ain’t say nothing at first. Just sat there. I pretended like I was watching everybody skate so I could sneak a look at him. I can’t say he looked fine to me. Because he didn’t. He was big. Bigger than me and he had good hair. It wasn’t no curl neither he was trying to fake up to look like good hair. His hair wasn’t at all greasy, and he had it just long enough so you could see it had a natural curl to it. When I turned my head away, he say something to me. I ain’t hear what he say because the music was so loud. So he slid up next to me and screamed loud in my ear his name. He ask me my name and I told him. The music was so loud, I couldn’t hardly hear nothing he say. I did hear his name real clear and I heard him say he like me. We ended up going outside, because it was too loud to talk in there.

I turned in my skates and got my hand stamped so I could come back inside. You can’t get no skates again, the lady behind the counter say. This session end in a half hour. You done for the night. I told her that was all right. Then I went out with him. Just to the parking lot, where we can talk, he say. There was some kids hanging out there. They was talking all loud. I wasn’t stutting them. But he took hold of my hand and kept on walking. Where we going? I ask. Around the back, he say. Where it’s more quieter. We can talk back there. You ain’t scared of the dark, is you? No, I say. I ain’t scared of no dark. And me, like a stupid stupid fool, walked right on with him. Like we was some couple just walking in love. I wasn’t really thinking about no love with him. I was thinking about him saying, I like you, Tasha. Like he mean it. Like I was someone special to him. Like I was someone special to somebody even if it was a lie.

 

It was cool out even though it was August. Soon as we went around back, I could smell him. I don’t know why I ain’t smell him inside. But out in the dark quiet he smelled like smoke. Me and him went up this little hill into these trees and he took off his jacket for me to sit on. I don’t even remember what we talked about, because we only talked a couple minutes. I know he never did say again that he liked me. I would’ve remembered that. He never said I was pretty or nothing before he kissed me right in the mouth. It wasn’t like I never kissed a boy before. I did kiss this Puerto Rican boy two times around Eboni house and let him touch me outside my clothes. But when he was kissing me that night, I ain’t like it. His mouth tasted real nasty. I tasted dirt before, when I was little, and his mouth tasted worse than dirt. I guess his mouth was like that from smoking. Like some nasty little animal had done crawled inside his mouth and built a nest.

All the while he steady kissing me and I’m steady trying not to breathe. Trying not to swallow so I wouldn’t taste him while he was laying me back to the cold ground. I pulled my mouth away and say, Get on up off me. I don’t know what you trying to do.

He say, What you want me to do. And he steady pushing me down harder. I could feel it then. His thing. It was pressing up inside my legs. All hard and mad inside his jeans. I tried to sit up. But he pressed his whole weight on me, squashing my titties so hard they hurt.

Hey, I screamed, leave me alone! Get up off of me! He put one of his big hands across my nose and mouth. I was screaming and kicking and trying to peel his hand off. But my screams wasn’t doing no good. They was so tiny they never even escaped the trees. That’s all I could hear, even though that boy talking to me real low with his face right in mine.

I don’t know how many times he say, I got a knife. I got a knife. Before I heard it. But when I heard that, I stopped trying to scream. I stopped trying to fight.

Then he say, If I got to show it to you, I’m going to have to use it on you. Now shut up, you fat bitch, and take down your fucking pants. I had already shut up. He took his hand off my face and raised up off of me some. But I ain’t move. So he pulled at my sweat pants. That’s when I started helping him, because I was thinking he going to tear them, and how was I going to explain that to Mama?

It was the both of us that got them halfway down when he say for me to turn over and get on my knees. He raised up some more to let me turn over and I could see the lights of the Skate-A-Rama coming through the tops of the trees. When I turned over, he pushed my head down to the ground and I couldn’t see nothing no more. I ain’t hear nothing until he pushed his naked self up against me and started doing it. And my hands grabbed for something to hold.

Hanging on to the grass, I swear I could hear them screams of mine quieter and quieter sinking into the ground. All the time I’m thinking, This ain’t real. This got to be a dream. Not my dream. His dream. He done thought this all up in his mind. Had this all up in his mind. When I was thinking about him liking me, he was thinking about this. I’m all embarrassed with my butt all tooted up in the air and him sticking his thing in me harder and harder. Faster and faster. It seem like to me his thing was a knife. Mad with me. Cutting me. My insides was burning a little bit more. A little bit more. A little bit more. I couldn’t stop my knees from shaking, and I was holding my breath in me to stop the pain.

He put his face right up next to mine and his breath come right in my ear. It was so strong I could taste it in my mouth. You know you like it, you stupid cunt, he say. Tell me you like it. Tell me to fuck you some more.

I ain’t say nothing. He grabbed me by the hair. My breath come out in a moan.

He say, Yeah, that’s right. That’s right. He pushed my face back to the ground and got up off me. You can tell anybody you want, he say. I don’t give a goddamn. Ain’t nobody going to believe your dumb ass no way. He yanked his jacket up from under me. I heard him take off out them trees.

It was a while before I even moved. I don’t know how long I stayed just like he left me, still burning inside. When I figured he was gone, really gone, I rolled over on my side and touched myself quick down there to see if I was bleeding. I was all wet. I ain’t know if it was blood. The night was so dark, even with the yellow lights shining above me in the leaves. So I pulled my pants up and brushed myself off. My knees wouldn’t stop shaking. But I got up. I ain’t even went back in the Skate-A-Rama. I ain’t even went back through the parking lot the way I came. I was shamed. I went around the other side and waited for the bus home. Spitting. Spitting. Spitting all the time I was waiting.

Mama was sitting on the couch when I got home. Watching TV with the lights out. She ain’t even look up when I come in. It was a Friday night and she like to watch a cop show that come on. Mama say, Lock the door behind you. Which I did, and went right straight upstairs into the bathroom and pulled down my pants and panties. There wasn’t no whole bunch of blood like I was expecting to see. Only a little spot, already turning dark like a old penny. That made me feel better. Like things wasn’t so bad. Like I wasn’t going to have to tell Mama about it because it was just a bad dream anyway.

I took me a shower and brushed my teeth with the water running all over me. I kept brushing them and brushing them, squirting out long white worms of toothpaste until my mouth tasted fresh and clean like mouths be on commercials. Like mint. Then I washed myself. I ain’t even want to touch myself down there in my private parts. But I squatted down, with my knees still shaking, and washed off real gentle but real good two times. I wasn’t burning like I was before.

When I laid down in bed that night, with the moon shining through the tree outside my window, with the moon shining down on me, I wanted to get up and go downstairs and tell Mama. I should have told her right then. I was so shamed. Even though my mouth was clean, seem like when I just thought of that boy, I got that nasty taste in my mouth again, and I wiped off my tongue with the back of my hand. I ain’t want Mama to think it was me that was the nasty one. But I wanted her to come to me in my room that night because I was quiet. Because I had come in and gone straight upstairs. Which I never did. Showered without being told and got right into bed with no radio playing. No light on. No nothing. How come Mama ain’t know that wasn’t even me acting like that? What was she thinking about if she wasn’t thinking about me? Royster, the Jherri Curl King?

When I was a little girl, if I was out of her sight and quiet for a minute, it seem like Mama would come to me. I would look up to see her face over me. Full and shining like the moon. Mama would watch me until she was satisfied I was all right and then she would slip away quiet. Quiet as the setting of the moon. I wouldn’t even know she was gone until I looked up and seen she wasn’t there.

I hid in the dark of my room that night like I was some little girl too shamed to tell on myself for doing something so stupid. Mama always been the one thinking I’m so smart. I’m so special. That I’m the one who has got a brain that’s going to take me somewhere in my life. Maybe Mama think I got a brain that will take her somewhere too one day. Put her in a fine house. But that night I wasn’t none of the things Mama say about me. I was what he say I was. All them nasty words he called me. Words Mama never would let me put in my mouth to say. Fat bitch. Stupid cunt. How I was going to open my mouth and say them words? Just thinking about them set me off crying. Not like I was crazy. I ain’t make nam sound. And why ain’t Mama come? She could’ve pushed the door to my room open and when the light of the hall fell on me she would’ve seen my face. Telling her what my two lips couldn’t.

But Mama ain’t come to me that night, and after then it was just easier to keep my mouth shut and let Mama think I was good and not nasty. So I opened up this place inside to leave everything he done and said to me. Not like it never happened. Because it did happen. But I found a place where I could close it off, and I really did think like some child, like some girl, like some fool, I wasn’t never going to have to go inside it again.

 

After seeing him in the cafeteria, I knew that wasn’t true. No matter how it looked to anybody, for the next two days after I seen him, I went back to that place. I was in it each night, curled up inside like some big old baby waiting to be born.

Instead of going to school, J went to Eboni’s. Miss Lovey was home, looking after her state kids. She ain’t say nothing to me about nothing when me and Imani went back in Eboni room and stayed until the tutor left. She ain’t ask why I was there. I knew Eboni had told her. But I knew she wouldn’t say nothing to my mama. Out in the kitchen, she made me one of her big meals. I could smell a chicken baking, greens boiling away with vinegar and hot pepper. Yams roasting with they sweet juice dripping in the stove. My stomach was making all kinds of noise just smelling how good that food was going to taste. But when it came time to eat it, I really ain’t had no appetite.

I sat down with Eboni and Miss Lovey and them state kids in the kitchen. Miss Lovey made her and the oldest state kid a plate. He about three and he don’t eat so much. His mama was on crack when she had him. Miss Lovey get WIC and food stamps. She be getting government cheese and butter, and he still so skinny he look like he could fall over if you blow on him. All he was eating was a teaspoon of food. Eboni, shoot, she was eating like food was going out of style at the end of the day. I ate me a plate just to be polite to Miss Lovey.

I went around Eboni house the next day, too, but on the third day Eboni wasn’t there. Miss Lovey was all out of breath and sweating when she come to the door. She say, Come on in the kitchen. And I went. Miss Lovey was making grits and frying up some fish. She say, Eboni had her girls early this morning. I’m telling you, it was a easy labor. They were a minute apart. It seems like they were racing to get in the world. They’re both healthy thank God and so pretty with good hair swirled around their heads. I say, Oooh, I want to go see her and the babies. Miss Lovey say, I’m sure Eboni wants to see you, too. You can leave Imani next door where I left the kids and we can go up to the hospital later. She made herself a plate and one for me.

I say, I ain’t really hungry. I already ate.

Miss Lovey wasn’t even stutting me. She opened up the stove and took out a pan of biscuits and put two on my plate. For a while she ain’t say nothing. She ate. Sprinkling hot sauce on her fish. Slurping from a big cup of juice. Putting jelly and butter on her biscuits. I cracked open one of them hot biscuits and buttered and jellied it for Imani, who was sitting in her stroller whining because she knew there was food but wasn’t none of it coming to her mouth. I fed some to her and tasted it for myself. It was good. I could tell it wasn’t from no can popped open on the counter. Then I looked up at Miss Lovey and stopped eating. She had that I-know-you-got-a-secret look on her face. Right then I knew Eboni must have told.

You know, Miss Lovey say, I been meaning to talk to you.

I cut her right off. Not in a mean way. But I say, I know what you fenna say, Miss Lovey.

Miss Lovey say, Is that so? If you know what I’m going to say, you need to be on one of those psychic telephones making some money for yourself, child.

I bust out laughing, even though I ain’t want to.

Miss Lovey put one of her hands on top of one of mines. It was warm and soft.

She say, Child, you have to go back to school. Shooting the hook won’t solve your problems.

I say, I know that, Miss Lovey.

She say, You don’t act like it. I know you’re scared of that boy who raped you.

I looked down at the table. That was the first time that word been said.

Then Miss Lovey said it again. She say, I believe he did rape you.

I ain’t say nothing. Miss Lovey reached over with her other hand and started rubbing my back. Round and round in circles like you rub a baby back to get them to sleep. Like I rub Imani. She say, It’s all right to talk to me about it.

I couldn’t say nothing. I just found my hand that was on the table squeezing her hand tight tight. Miss Lovey ain’t ask me to say nothing else. She moved up close to me and put my head down on her shoulder and kept rubbing my back with her hand all warm. Pulling me back from inside myself. She was pulling me back every time she made a circle. Made a circle. Made a circle. It was like she was looking for the place I was. Reaching down inside that cold dark with her warm hand. Picking me up from that ground. Pulling me out into the world where I opened my eyes into the soft light.

It was a while before I lifted up my face. When Imani saw it she started crying. Miss Lovey picked her up and put her on her lap to rock her. She fed some grits to Imani right off her plate. Miss Lovey say, Go back to Lincoln on Monday and see how you feel. If you want to get out, I’ll help you.

I say, Only my mama can do that.

Miss Lovey say, I’ll talk to your mother then.

I just shook my head.

Miss Lovey say, I won’t tell her nothing you haven’t. It’s up to you to tell her about the rape. She needs to hear that from your lips. But you need to be in school. What kind of future can you make for this child with no education? I looked at my little greedy baby and she put out her arms to come to me and I took her in my arms. I was holding her all close feeling her heart beating up next to mines. Miss Lovey say for me not be worrying about going to another school. She say I would only have to cross that bridge if I come to it.

I made myself go back to Lincoln the next Monday. I was real nervous. About running into him. But I had so much schoolwork to catch up on, I spent most of my time with my mind on that. In the cafeteria I was looking for him and not looking for him, thinking maybe I wouldn’t have to come to that bridge at all. It was the middle of the week before I seen him. Me and Coco was sitting together at lunch. I wasn’t hardly eating. I was studying for a Latin test. When the bell rung we was rushing to take our trays up. That’s when I seen him, just ahead of us at the dish room, putting his dirty tray on the belt. There I was at the bridge. I wasn’t even thinking about crossing it. I wanted to jump off. Kids was pushing up behind me to take they trays back. My feet took on a mind of they own and ain’t even move when he turned around to leave.

Coco stepped up right next to me and took my tray. What’s wrong with you, Tasha? she asked. Making us late?

That boy looked up then. I got a pain in my stomach, thinking he heard my name. But he ain’t even look at me. He was looking at Coco. Smiling at her. She sucked her teeth and rolled her eyes at him, and the smile he had on his face slid right off. He walked off without saying nothing.

I seen him the next day in the cafeteria, and he walked right on by me without noticing me. I knew I wasn’t going to cross no bridge after all. I could feel it in my heart that he ain’t know who I was. I was some girl with no name. I was some girl with no face. I was just some girl in a dream he ain’t even remember.