IF YOU CAN’T SAY SOMETHING NICE . . .
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
—Ephesians 4:29 NIV
SOME OF THE FRIENDS WE HAVE IN OUR LIVES REALLY should be regarded with more caution. A good question for us to ask ourselves is, “Is my behavior influencing them, or is their behavior influencing me?” We have the opportunity to be leaders in all of our relationships by whether or not we choose to be gossips, encouragers, or complainers.
Denise met Sharise and Janda, her two friends from the neighborhood, one recent Saturday morning at a nearby coffee shop. They hadn’t seen each other in a while, and as the women chatted around the table, the verse she had read that morning was fresh in her mind. It was as though she were seeing both of them in a new light.
“I can’t believe your husband still gets the newspaper in his boxer shorts! I saw him out there in all his glory last Sunday,” Sharise exclaimed to Janda.
Janda rolled her eyes. “Yeah, it’s downright embarrassing. I thought for sure that getting that huge pair at the neighborhood Christmas party would have made him think twice about it, but I guess he’s a slow learner. He certainly won’t listen to me.”
Sharise leaned forward and said, “You know, I hate to tell you this, Janda, but it’s not like I want to see Rob half-dressed, anyway.” She quickly added, “Not that my husband, Mark, is any better of a physical specimen.”
Janda shook her head and chuckled, “I understand.” Her eyes widened, “Hey, have you seen that guy that just moved into the house on Ridge Road? He goes running every day at about 5:00 a.m. Now there is someone I would love to see in his boxer shorts!”
They laughed together over that, but Denise thought, “How would Sharise and Janda’s husbands feel if they heard this? It occurred to her at that moment this was one of the first times she wasn’t joining in with them in the husband-bashing.
“Did you know Rob works out every night for over an hour,” Janda continued. “Not that it really does much good. You’d think by now maybe he could get rid of that gut. You should see him—he primps and preens like he’s some kind of bodybuilder. Maybe his arms and legs are better, but ugh! He still needs to lose about fifteen pounds!”
Denise thought it was great that he was making the effort to work out and stay in shape, but no one said anything about that. When she mentioned it, they both looked at her like she had three heads. Denise realized she needed to lower her expectations of these two women—to view their friendship in a different light. Lately, she found her attitude turning negative after spending time with them. She decided she could not have intimate female friendships with women who criticized their husbands and, for that matter, were critical of just about everything else. She would be careful not to speak about her husband in that regard, either. Whether her spouse was in her presence or not, Denise committed to respectful communication.
BOTTOM LINE: If you are going to speak, at the very least be respectful, and you will impact your husband’s reputation whether he is present or not!
1. How do you talk about your husband with your girlfriends, sister, or mother?
2. How do you think you are doing in this area?
3. Are you feeling brave? Can you take a risk? Ask your husband if he ever feels diminished by you and the way you communicate with him. Write out what you asked and how he responded. Or if you choose to stay blind in this area, explain why.
4. Regarding question 3, is there a difference between what you thought and how he thought you were doing?
5. Pray for God to help you change in this area.
Many of our words tear down our spouses. We are not even aware of coming off as critical or disrespectful. In an effort to communicate respect today, only speak words that will encourage your husband and refrain from communicating with him or about him in a way that diminishes him.
