Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.
—Luke 6:37 NIV
WE CAN BE WOMEN OF INFLUENCE IF WE CHOOSE first to be good listeners and fully understand what our husbands are telling us. The following story connects us to Nicole, a self-proclaimed “former criticizer,” who shows us one way to be a positive influence in our marriages.
Nicole listened carefully as her husband described his work situation. He had been asked to lead a series of meetings but did not view the time investment as necessary, yet his boss was really pushing him. He confided to his wife that he was uncomfortable with running these meetings and was tempted to find a way out of it. His boss had suggested a promotion might be on the horizon for him but that he needed to be seen by the senior staff more.
“I just don’t see the point in it all. Having meetings for ‘exposure’ makes no sense to me. Why would I waste everyone’s time like that?” he asked.
“I can understand why you feel that way. I don’t like to waste anyone’s time, either. What did your boss say about inviting the senior staff to the meetings?” Nicole inquired.
“He said he wanted to promote me but that he needed the executives to meet me, get to know me a little bit better, and see me in action. My work hardly comes into contact with their areas, so I don’t know why that matters.”
Nicole smiled. Her husband, while brilliant as an architect and admired greatly by his peers for his technical abilities, wasted little time on office politics or promoting his achievements. She actually admired him for this because he cared more for the work and the outcome of his projects than his own gain. At the same time, she also knew he stood under-rewarded for his talents because he didn’t promote himself and didn’t make the effort to play the networking game at the large company. She had also seen several people where she worked get passed over for promotions in lieu of other people who networked better. Nicole was aware that part of her job as her husband’s wife was to be a “helper” to him, so she chose to be encouraging.
“I can understand why you feel that way,” she began, “but I think you should do it. You’re great at what you do. And your boss is probably right—he can do a better job selling a promotion if the people he has to sell it to have seen what he’s seen in you. Even though you are uncomfortable with it, you know you are great at presentations and facilitating groups.”
She looked at him and could see him chewing on what she had suggested. “I’ll think about that. I never considered it that way,” he said.
Three years ago, this conversation would have never even occurred. She would have been too busy interrupting him in order to criticize him or his boss. Nicole smiled at yet another benefit gained from actively respecting her husband.
BOTTOM LINE: Do not judge, criticize, or condemn others, but instead be a woman who speaks carefully in wisdom and encourages her husband—you will find yourself listened to more often and have a greater influence on those around you.
SO WHAT ABOUT YOU?
1. How often does your husband confide in you? Is it more or less than during your engagement period and first years of marriage?
2. When your husband tells you about his work situation, are you encouraging, or judgmental and critical? Ask him for feedback and just listen; do not justify any actions you’ve taken in the past. Write down what you learn.
3. When do you choose to give your husband advice? Is it frequently, or is it only about important matters when he brings them up? How do you typically like to receive advice?
4. When you give advice, are you forceful and bossy, or are you gentle in suggestions? Do you use phrases like “something you might consider,” “an idea that might fit with that,” “something others have found beneficial is,” or do you say things like, “why can’t you,” “what you need to do is,” or “I think you need to”?
5. What can you do to become a wife who is held in high esteem and respected by your husband as being a safe confidante?
Recognizing that most wives yearn for emotional intimacy with their husbands, it is truly amazing how many of us miss the opportunities to create emotional intimacy by our own words.
A good listener knows when to speak.
Many times people just want to be heard, not be offered advice. Some of us have become people no one listens to because we are always offering suggestions, criticism, or judgment.
We think we are helping, but what we are communicating is an attitude of superiority over the other person.
Today, be aware of your own advising nature. Your challenge is twofold:
• Resist the temptation to offer advice. Instead, evaluate the situation, perhaps asking the person if he or she wants advice or wants to talk.
• Ask your husband if he considers you a safe person to talk to about his challenges. If he indicates you could be better in that area, ask him how you can improve. Make him aware of your sincere desire to change.
Pray for guidance, wisdom, and for God’s help in becoming the woman God desires you to be.