A fool finds no pleasure in understanding, but delights in airing his own opinions.
—Proverbs 18:2 NIV
MANY WOMEN ERRONEOUSLY LOOK TOWARD MARRIAGE as the place where all their hopes and dreams will be fulfilled. Instead, we need to look at marriage as a context through which we grow more as a person. As we mature, we become less selfish and more giving. Those who have experienced motherhood have had to become less selfish about something even as simple as sleeping eight hours a night. When we get married, we have the opportunity to sacrificially love another adult. The immature adult thinks, “What can I get?” and the mature adult thinks, “What can I give?”
The Bible says a man is to love his wife as Christ loves the church, willing to sacrifice his life for her. Women are called to respect their husbands. While we don’t often think of it this way, choosing respect can be a sacrificial decision too.
Terry, just finishing a long phone conversation with her mother, noticed that she still didn’t have the breakfast or lunch dishes cleaned up. Now it was nearly time to make dinner. The baby had been sick, and after finally getting her down for a nap, Terry had spent an hour watching her soap opera, trying to catch up on laundry, and talking with her mom.
The phone was ringing again, and it threatened to wake the baby, so she grabbed it. Her husband, Brian, needed her to run the tax folder up to his office fifteen minutes away.
“I’m not going to do that. Yes, I know the appointment’s tonight. No, I just don’t have the time to do that—I haven’t even brushed my hair or teeth yet today, so I wasn’t even planning on coming. You don’t know what it’s like to stay home with a crabby, sick baby all day. I’m busy beyond belief and exhausted. And my mother’s having trouble with her landlord again, and I need to help her figure that out.” On and on she went, and finally, weary from the conversation, her husband let her know he needed to go, and hung up.
Unaware of their financial situation and how long it took to reschedule tax appointments, Terry was surprised when Brian walked through the door to pick up the documents. Had he really left work early to come home and get them? What she also didn’t know was that Brian’s boss had called him on the carpet earlier that same day for coming in late and leaving early. “Terry’s having some difficulties adjusting to the new baby,” he had told him. Unsympathetic to their family situation, his boss had simply replied, “I understand, but I recommend you figure it out because it is becoming a performance issue.”
Brian longed for the companionship he and his wife had enjoyed when she was working full time. She listened then. She seemed to have it together then. Now the entire universe revolved around the baby and Terry’s emotional state at the moment. Too much drama filled his world now, and he simply didn’t know what to do. But like a man, he squared his shoulders and just did the next thing. Unbeknownst to his wife, he was tired and just needed a friend. He loved five-month-old Jackie and wouldn’t trade her for anything, but he really wished he hadn’t become invisible as a result of her arrival. He had friends who had three and four kids—how did their wives do it? Yet another day passed without his feeling like he was needed for anything but the paycheck.
BOTTOM LINE: Don’t be so caught up in your own life that you forget to make your husband feel important today.
1. How often do you let your husband know how much you value his going to work every day? What do you do to communicate this?
2. How good a job are you doing to make your husband feel important? What is the most recent thing you’ve done to help him feel important?
3. Feeling brave? Ask your husband if he feels more important to you than anyone else (including kids, if you have them). What does he say?
4. Does most of your communication revolve around you and your activities, or is it balanced with your husband’s?
5. What one thing can you do today to help your husband feel important?
Think about this statement for a few moments: Marriage is a context through which we have the opportunity to become more holy, not necessarily happier.
God is more concerned with our holiness than our happiness. How does that concept fit into your thinking?
Your dare today is very simple. Make a list of things that are important to your husband. If you don’t know what they are, ask him. Keep this list where you will see it every day, and make a concerted effort to accomplish the list each week. Some of the items on your list might include, for example, keeping the van clean, having underwear in his drawer, doing something with him he enjoys, initiating sex, or making his favorite meal.
Pray God helps you accomplish this dare and gives you the energy and tenacity to achieve it weekly.