Mac appeared in the doorway of his study as Anna opened the front door of the house. He was frowning.
‘Where have you been?’
‘I’ve been to Dee Why to visit the queen,’ Anna chanted.
‘What?’
‘I’ve been to see your girlfriend,’ she said, sailing past him down the hallway.
‘What?’
Anna walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge. Mac stormed in after her, slamming the door so the fridge shuddered. He grabbed her by the shoulders.
‘What did you do?’
‘Settle down, Mac, I just talked to her.’
‘I told you she doesn’t know anything!’
‘I believe you may be right, she didn’t seem to have a clue. Not real bright, is she?’
Mac looked as though his head was going to explode. He released Anna’s shoulders and turned away. ‘Did you tell her?’ he said, his voice grim.
‘She’s going to find out some time–’
He spun around. ‘Anna! She hasn’t done anything.’ His voice was breaking now. He was trembling and his eyes were glassy. ‘She’s not to blame, there’s nothing to be gained hurting her.’
Anna glared at him. ‘I don’t believe you, Mac, you’re defending her to me?’
He stood there, breathing heavily, apparently unable to speak.
‘I didn’t say anything,’ Anna said eventually. ‘I’m not crazy.’
Mac looked directly into her eyes. She could never remember seeing such disdain there.
‘I’m not the crazy one, Mac. You are, if you think she’s not going to get hurt. And if you think the blame lies with anyone but yourself.’
He clenched his jaw. ‘I’m going out,’ he said, turning on his heel.
Anna leaned against the doorjamb as he strode up the hall into the study. He came out a moment later, clutching his keys.
‘I suppose I don’t have to ask where you’re going?’ she said.
He glared at her, before turning around and walking out the front door, slamming it behind him.
Mac deliberately loosened his grip on the steering wheel. He had to calm down. He’d been speeding, he was going to get picked up at this rate. He took a few deep breaths as he watched the speedometer drop, consciously relaxing his shoulders.
He was just so anxious to get to Georgie. Anna claimed she hadn’t said anything, but how the hell could he be sure? He had to talk to Georgie now anyway, he couldn’t trust what Anna would do next. And this was going to be hard enough without Georgie finding out from someone else, least of all his wife.
He felt a knot in his gut the size of a football. Today had been unbearable. He’d desperately wanted to go to Georgie, but the situation was so fragile, he had to handle it the right way or the whole thing was likely to blow up in his face and he would lose her for good. He’d planned to have it all out this weekend, tell her everything, that his marriage was falling apart, that he didn’t want to hide any more. He wanted to do the right thing, settle things with his wife fairly and reasonably, and then build a life with her.
That was before the shit hit the fan.
He knew Georgie would be upset, he knew this would be hard for her to hear. But he also knew she loved him. He could feel her love even when he was away from her. It was such a pure, trusting, generous love, rarely asking for anything in return. She didn’t deserve to be hurt like this. He had never meant to hurt her. If he told her that, if he told her he’d been miserable in his marriage, that when he met her she was like a brilliant light and he was like a moth . . . Oh fuck! That was pathetic. She’d laugh at him. But he didn’t know how else to describe it. Georgie was all sweetness and light and warmth, she never made demands, she didn’t expect anything of him. He didn’t have to do anything special, or be anything special, she just loved him.
But he knew it was wrong. He knew sleeping with another woman was wrong; no matter how many excuses he came up with, it was wrong. So he didn’t sleep with her, though he could barely keep his hands off her, though thoughts of her filled his every waking moment, still he restrained himself. If they didn’t actually sleep together, he wasn’t actually cheating. That’s what he had convinced himself. He’d also convinced himself that he wasn’t in love with her. They had a close bond, they were good for each other, he cared deeply for her, which was different to loving her. He could keep it under control. It wouldn’t go any further.
But then it did, and all his resolve went out the window. He couldn’t recall ever feeling like this. He adored her. No actually, that was not quite true. It was Anna he’d always adored, revered, put on a pedestal. She was the perfect accompaniment to the life he had mapped out for himself. But he hadn’t realised till now that he had never been on fire for Anna. He hadn’t even realised you could feel this way. He loved Georgie passionately, she pulsed through his veins, she brought him to life, and now he couldn’t imagine a life without her.
Mac’s heart was pounding hard and his mouth was dry. He was having trouble catching his breath. He pulled over to the side of the road and looked around. He was outside Georgie’s block and he didn’t even remember driving into her street. He gazed up towards her apartment. She loved him, he could do this. He opened the door and stepped out of the car.