I once led a workshop on tapping into your deepest desires where a woman said, “I just wish I didn’t feel so afraid.” From across the room, another woman piped up, “You and me both, sister!” After that, the woman who had spoken up first went from having a face drawn with tension to one of laughter, and then the entire room was laughing together. It was the most ridiculous thing, wasn’t it? We all just wanted to not feel afraid when pursuing our dreams. Why can’t it be that simple?
It can’t be that simple because bypassing any one emotion is just not how humans are hardwired. As shame researcher and author Dr. Brené Brown puts it, “You can’t selectively shut down emotion.” Emotions are a package deal, which means that if you try to shut down just your fear, you’re also clamping down on your capacity to feel joy.
While it would certainly be easier if we could just do away with emotions that are more uncomfortable, fear (or self-doubt, stress, hesitation—fear goes by many names) is a normal part of taking a risk. There isn’t a single openhearted, curious, and emotionally available person who isn’t also able to acknowledge at least something that has a fearful, uncertain edge for them. Fearlessness is a myth. Admitting to having fears doesn’t mean that someone’s fundamentally insecure. Rather, admitting to experiencing fear or self-doubt is a healthy part of the process of change and going after the things that matter the most.
Trying to become fearless is a wasted effort on the path to making your deepest desires come to fruition. Paradoxically, it’s fully understanding and claiming your fear that stops it from having power over any part of your life. That’s exactly what we’ll be exploring in this chapter. You’ll get a clear picture of how fear and self-doubt operate by learning some of the science behind habit-formation. You’ll see why fear can feel so intense and why the impulse to back down usually feels so automatic, almost as if it can’t be helped. You’ll learn that, in fact, it can be helped. I’ll be offering you the same supportive guidance I offer the clients that I coach. In addition, I’ll be sharing the stories of others who have done this work so that you can see that you’re not alone.
Armed with information about the brain, as well as the cues, routines, and rewards that can fuel either patterns of fear or courage, you’ll be able to see exactly how you’ve become stuck in the past and will be able to chart a new path by making immediate choices about how you want to live your life. When the Courage Habit is practiced regularly, you’ll stop getting stuck in the old patterns of fear or self-doubt, and start seeing real change happen.
In Chapter 1, you defined your Primary Focus by identifying three things that you want to shift while you complete this book. If you haven’t already felt some doubt or hesitation arise, you’ll most likely experience those feelings once you start taking action toward your focus. If you already know that you’ll inevitably encounter fear and that you can’t bypass it, the question then becomes: How will you successfully work through it?
A desire for change and willpower alone isn’t enough. There are processes in the brain governing habit-formation that play a key role in how we respond to feelings of fear—something that most of us have never considered. First, let me give you a little run-down in how current science tells us that habits form. Habit-formation is predominantly a three-part process. (Prepare to geek out, because this gets pretty cool.) There’s a cue, which is like a trigger that sets things off. There’s a routine, which is a set of behaviors or responses to that trigger. Routines are designed to get to the reward, which is the relief you feel when the tension dies down.
We typically think of “habits” in terms of “doing” something—the habit of exercising, flossing, or checking your email after you arrive at work. We work through cue-routine-reward loops all day long when we interact with family and friends, at home and on the job, in line at the grocery store, or sitting in front of a computer. Some cues are quite benign, such as hearing your alarm clock in the morning and feeling the cue to begin waking yourself up. Other cues, of course, are more difficult to experience. For example, a coworker’s criticism or a partner’s drinking problem can cue feelings of fear or self-doubt. When working with cue-routine-reward loops, the question is: How do we interrupt the loops that aren’t helpful for our lives?
In The Power of Habit (2014), writer Charles Duhigg notes that it’s not just the things we want to do that are governed by the cue-routine-reward process. Many of our emotional experiences in life follow that same cue-routine-reward pathway, including how we experience fear and then respond to that fear.
That’s precisely what Yasmine noticed when she began taking action. As we worked together to define her Primary Focus, one item felt particularly bold: “Find a studio space.” After years of painting in a small corner of her kitchen, she wanted to rent professional studio space and start creating large-scale pieces, maybe even murals. At first, she felt nothing but excited, but the moment she stepped through the door of a large warehouse with artists’ spaces for a tour with the manager, she felt panic.
Standing there, faced with the cubicle dividers separating each artist’s station, she found herself suddenly feeling stupid. “I kept thinking, you’re not a real artist; it would be so stupid to waste money renting space,” she told me. “I got the hell out of there as quickly as I could. The manager probably thought I was crazy. Talking about this now, I know that I should have just given it a chance. But, in the moment, it felt like too much.”
The sensation of fear and discomfort was a cue in Yasmine’s body. For many years, she had responded to that cue with a routine to avoid the uncomfortable thing to get to the quickest possible reward that would bring about a release of tension. That’s the important connection to make with cue-routine-reward! In any given moment, when our self-doubt is loud and intense, we are hardwired to try to get to the fastest possible release of tension even when that option is counter to our larger life desires.
When I say “hardwired,” I’m talking about the process of cue-routine-reward as it originates in a part of the brain called the basal ganglia. Think of the basal ganglia as being like “command central” for behavior. The basal ganglia picks up what’s happening in your body and in your environment and determines what you should do to deal with it. When it feels fear or self-doubt, its mission becomes to release the tension those emotions cause. Based on what’s been effective in the past, it suggests routines that will get you to that release of tension the fastest. Those routines can take any number of forms, but the logic that leads the basal ganglia to choose them is the same—to avoid whatever fear-causing or self-doubt-causing thing you encountered.
Here’s an example of the cue-routine-reward process:
Every time we follow the basal ganglia’s impulses and act out those same routines, we reinforce the entire cycle. The brain learns that avoidance (or whatever the habitual fear-based routine is) is effective at relieving tension. The basal ganglia notes that and will turn to that impulse again.
Does that mean that we’re at the mercy of the cue-routine-reward loop? Thankfully, no! Ultimately, the basal ganglia’s automation of behavior through cue-routine-reward loops has a positive purpose: it keeps us from having to think so hard about every single little choice in order to save brain power throughout the day. Because you want to make life changes that involve taking bold actions, you need to understand how this loop functions and use it to reinforce courageous actions instead of fear-based routines.
Duhigg’s review of research on habit-formation indicates something very important for anyone who wants to change this cycle: if our emotional lives are influenced by cue-routine-reward and we want to change something, the most effective point of change is to change the routine. If you think about it, this makes sense. We can’t control all aspects of life to avoid the stressful circumstances that “cue” us. Bills will need to be paid, critical people will walk into our lives, and systemic oppression (the opportunities we’re denied because of gender, race, social class, or sexuality) is real. (This is why self-help programs that encourage you to pretend that challenges don’t exist or to ignore your fear don’t work—you’ll always be laboring to ignore the fear!) It would be contrary to human nature to expect that anyone will stop wanting that “reward” of relief from feelings of fear or stress, so it would never work to try to change behavior without a corresponding reward. The most effective point of change is to think differently about how you respond to the cues you encounter.
Now, let’s get to it! Let’s look more closely at the cue-routine-reward loop, starting with the cue (the sensation of fear in the body) that triggers all the rest.
When I first met Eliana, she got straight to brass tacks: “I just need coaching for some help with time management and accountability,” she told me briskly. I was working with her over the phone and had no clue what she looked like, but something about Eliana’s tone suggested a woman in a power suit, perhaps Olivia Pope in the television show Scandal.
Eliana explained that she was finishing her MBA and working full-time for a consulting firm that required her to travel one week every month. I asked her to share more about why she decided to start coaching. She explained, “I’ve taken time-management classes, alphabetized and color-coded all of my files, and set up a million reminders on my phone, but it’s not working. Basically, the reminders ding at me all day and as soon as I’m behind on just a few things, I stop even bothering to look at my phone. I don’t have a fear problem. I have a time-management problem. Can you help with that?”
“Maybe,” I said, adding, “As long as we’re remaining open to the possibility that fear problems and time-management problems might have something in common.”
Eliana laughed, “Sure, sure—I’m interested in whatever works. Just no psychoanalysis.”
“Not with me,” I said, smiling. “I’ve never been into Freud.”
Together we began trying to understand what was happening for Eliana around time management. As the weeks went by and Eliana grew more comfortable sharing with me, our discussions about her attempts to get organized revealed something just a bit deeper. While she had a lot of outward accomplishments that everyone was impressed with, she constantly took on too much so that her colleagues would see her as a “team player.” This made her feel overwhelmed, and was something she went to great lengths to hide. The feeling of being overwhelmed was exacerbated by her constantly checking and rechecking her work to make sure that she hadn’t dropped any balls that could be noticed by others.
When I asked her what would be wrong with other people seeing her make a mistake, she replied as though it was obvious: “Because it’s not professional and because then people wouldn’t think I could handle everything.” The trouble, of course, is that no one can handle everything. And if they try to? They experience overwhelm just like Eliana. I suspected that we were both aware of this, but I knew that the solutions weren’t going to be as simple as telling her to “just stop” taking on more than she could handle. I thought I’d see if we could go a little bit deeper.
“What would happen if your coworkers saw that you couldn’t handle everything?” I asked. There was a long silence on the phone.
“It would be embarrassing,” she finally said. “Of course, there are the practical consequences. I might get passed over for the good projects or promotions. And, I’m the woman on my team—the only woman. All the guys band together. So, really, it would be embarrassing to make that kind of mistake and feel like no one has my back.”
That was the first hint that there were dots to connect between what had appeared to be just a “time management problem” and fear. Eliana’s fear was legitimately based in her observations of how women are treated in the corporate business world. For too long, she had been taking on more than she could handle and hiding her stress and feelings of being overwhelmed because she didn’t want to be seen as “one of those emotional women” by her male colleagues.
“So, would it be safe to say that we’ve found where there’s some fear happening?” I asked.
“Okay, okay, you win,” she said, though I heard some shifting lightness in her voice and possibly a little relief. “So, maybe there’s some fear there!”
As I grew more acquainted with Eliana’s process, I kept noticing something interesting when we talked about the logistics of how she was getting things done. Out of her fear of missing something, Eliana often inserted extra steps into a process. For example, before she completed a homework assignment for one of her MBA classes, she decided that she had to update her computer’s operating system and the word-processing software that was installed. Then she noticed that the external hard drive used for backups was almost full, so she decided that before she’d start the homework, she’d run to the Apple store and buy a new backup hard drive. Once that had taken an entire Saturday afternoon, she realized that she had skipped lunch and now it was dinnertime. Then, after she ate dinner she felt too tired to concentrate on homework.
After we had talked about the ins and outs of Eliana’s day, I told her, “I wonder if fear is showing up differently than you would expect it to. You’ve shared that you don’t really experience fear, and that you think of fear as being like…a sensation that’s so overpowering that you wouldn’t take action if you felt it. But in your case, could it be that when you feel fear it shows up as a felt sense of urgency? I think I’m hearing that when you feel a sensation of urgency in your body, you respond in ways that end up throwing you off course. The urgency is an intense feeling, a sensation in the body that carries some anxiety. It becomes easier to respond to that feeling with some small task, like updating your computer’s software, rather than finishing the homework assignment. You’re driven to get something, anything done, even if that means losing the larger priority.”
When it was all laid out, Eliana confirmed that this is what was happening for her. This feeling of urgency that showed up anytime Eliana faced a task also brought anxiety, which made her feel these impulses to start proving herself. At the start, it always seemed like the logical option to respond to that feeling of urgency, to “just deal with it” so that it would go away. She didn’t identify that sensation of urgency as “fear” because she thought of fear as being like that elevator-dropping sensation that people get when watching a scary movie, something that would keep her from taking action, whereas she was all about action. These feelings of urgency were her fears, and she was responding to them without questioning whether they were prompting her to do anything helpful, which led her down the rabbit hole of getting lost in smaller tasks and kept her from feeling accomplished or satisfied with the work she’d done.
Eliana thought that because she was a go-getter who went after what she wanted that all she had was a time-management problem, not a fear problem. It surprised her to realize how the urgency (the fear) was underlying other issues in her life. Examining those feelings of urgency became the starting ground for change for Eliana. In the months that followed, I worked with her to learn how to recognize the different ways that fear was showing up in her life. We enacted a specific series of steps in response that would change the cycle she’d felt stuck in for far too long.
Your experience of fear might be completely different than Eliana’s, but like her, it may show up in ways that people wouldn’t label as “fear.” For instance, have you ever had trouble with chronic forgetting? That’s a common way that we experience fear, only we think we’re just “being forgetful.” Feeling inexplicably irritated? For some people faced with pressure to keep it all together, instead of feeling urgency and an impulse to do something, the fear shows up as irritation with others, blaming them for why things feel so stressful. (Most of us have had bosses who responded to their own fear and stress by taking things out on employees in this way.) Some of my clients experience fear that arises physically as sudden exhaustion or with symptoms such as headaches or a health crisis. Other people have felt a kind of numbness come over themselves that they would describe as walking through their lives on autopilot or a “checking out” feeling that isn’t clinical depression but that isn’t right, either. No matter how your fear is expressed in your life, the one constant is that the fear keeps you from acting in ways that are aligned with living the life you truly want to live or taking the necessary steps to make your dreams come to fruition.
Consider this for yourself: What’s your experience of fear like in the moment when you’re in it? Remember, you can substitute other words for “fear” if that feels more resonant. You can call it “urgency,” “self-doubt,” or “nagging worries” if those labels feel more accurate. Just try to describe what it’s like when you are in the real-time experience of fear. Do you tend to shut down, or, conversely, do you get hyperaware or push yourself harder? Do your thoughts come at you fast, or do you feel like you can’t quite articulate anything in your head?
To get clear on how you uniquely experience fear, think about the last time you were in a fear-inducing situation. Maybe you were telling someone the truth about how you really felt, you were pitching an idea or asking for a favor, or you were on the receiving end of criticism from a boss or family member. When you were putting yourself on the line or when someone was upset with you, what was happening in your body? On paper, describe the fear sensations that you remember. What fear sensations do you experience? Where do they show up in your body? What happens once you become aware of them?
Like Eliana, recognizing how you uniquely experience sensations of fear will help you to recognize fear sensations as the cues that they are. What is the sensation like? What impulses come up again and again? Recognizing these fear sensation cues makes all the difference when we start changing our routines and shifting the entire cue-routine-reward loop. The sensations of fear that cue us can also be clues about what it is we are afraid of. That’s what we’ll explore in the next section
Now that you’ve taken time to observe and clarify the way sensations of fear show up in your body, we’re going to get more specific. What are the specific fears, doubts, or worries that you’re dealing with? Maybe it’s being presented with situations where you don’t know how to respond, where you might fail, feel vulnerable, lose a relationship, or perhaps face rejection. Or, maybe it’s a fear that wanting more for your life will require giving up some of what you’ve currently got, and that could require too much sacrifice.
Clarifying Your Fears
Here are some questions to clarify some of your specific fears. Remember, everyone fears something. If your initial impulse is to think you don’t fear anything, consider if that response is unconscious fear-avoidance, which is a way of diminishing feelings of fear by pretending that they don’t exist or checking out from feeling them. If you remember, that was exactly how I handled my own fears for far too long and at great cost to my life and happiness. Even if you consider yourself to be an overachiever who seems to have no problem going after what she wants, dig a little deeper with the questions that follow. Odds are that no matter how much you’ve accomplished, there’s still some place where fear or self-doubt crops up.
Write out your answers or find some other way of documenting your experience. (We also have a worksheet for this exercise available to download at http://www.yourcourageouslife.com/courage-habit, where you’ll find a whole host of other resources that complement the work you’re doing in this book.) Another option is to discuss these questions with a friend, asking her to reflect to you what she’s noticed you doing in your life.
When you’re finished answering the questions, scan your answers and look for anything repetitive, such as things that you tend to think and say, or circumstances that are chronic. For instance, is there one thought that keeps coming up, over and over? (For example, “I’m always deciding that it’s not the right time.”) Is there something that you seem to always tell yourself? (For example, “Whether I’m psyching myself out or feeling like I’m not good enough, I always think: ‘Why bother trying?’”) Are there any circumstances that you can identify that seem to come up, again and again? (For example, “Each time that I’ve started and then not followed through, it was because I felt the pinch of not having enough money and decided that I had to stop going after my passion and start making more money.”)
Make sure that you identify three specific fears and write them down. As you complete different exercises in the chapters to come, you’ll apply the exercises to these specific fears, so that by the time you finish the book those fears don’t carry the same weight.
Please be gentle with yourself during this process. It’s tough to look so closely at what we fear. This process isn’t about getting rid of fear, since that’s impossible. You’re going to need to go into the fear and look at it clearly. You won’t make courage into a habit by flipping a switch. That’s just not how change happens. Gentleness with yourself and with your process is necessary and will get you where you want to go.
I’ve heard many people share about their experiences of fear, and almost everyone worries at least a little bit that their experiences are so unique they can’t be helped. However, I’ve found that there are four fear routines that are the most common: I call them the Perfectionist, the Saboteur, the Martyr, and the Pessimist. I break down each of these common fear routines below, outlining what we typically think, say, and do when we’re stuck in them.
While you can find aspects of yourself in all these routines, one is usually the predominant routine that you turn to most often, and that’s what I’ll ask you to consider as you read through the description of each routine. Getting clear on the fear routine that you’re most likely to turn to will help you to see the routine fully and with presence. If you understand your fear routine, it’s harder for that routine to be repeated unconsciously.
The Perfectionist routine is ruled by the drive to do it better. There’s a chronic dissatisfaction with results, which sometimes makes the Perfectionist critique everything around her, feeling irritated and unable to go with the flow of life because it’s not perfect. People caught in the Perfectionist routine often finds themselves overperforming in multiple areas of their lives and hiding imperfections while pretending that everything is okay. Perfectionists will do more than their fair share to look good or receive external approval. Or, because they don’t trust that someone else will do it according to their own standards, they sometimes overwhelm themselves by setting impossibly high standards.
Perfectionists will frequently find themselves thinking about their own internal critiques of how they should have done something better or how others should have done it better. Perfectionists might say to themselves: “Why didn’t you catch that mistake; it was so obvious,” or, “What’s the point of having them do it, if they can’t do it right?” When things happen that are outside of their control, they’ll either turn the blame outward, criticizing others, or inward, criticizing themselves. They consistently take on way too much, feel overwhelmed and exhausted, or treat being busy like a “high” where it “feels good” to tick things off the to-do list. The high always has a lull, however, at which point there is exhaustion, resentment about the built-up obligations, or a feeling that fun always comes last. People stuck in this routine tend to seem like they have no problems and a great life. Inwardly, they often feel tired, angry, or like they don’t really know who they are or what they want.
Other Perfectionist routine behaviors may be nitpicking about small issues or getting disproportionately upset about small things, over-working, trying to control, and judging others or themselves. The judgment can vacillate between thinking they are better than others or silently comparing and considering themselves to be not good enough. They might judge others by saying to themselves: “I mean, why can’t she get it together?” Sometimes, these behaviors can turn into a “mean girls’” syndrome, complete with competition, jealousy, and undermining others’ accomplishments. Because approval fuels this routine, the “reward” of being praised by coworkers or others makes it difficult to see the benefit of unhooking from a constant cycle of doing. Perfectionists can have trouble telling the difference between the kind of high standards that help them live a better life versus the kind of high standards that are exhausting to maintain.
The hallmark of the Saboteur routine is an inability to make sustained progress due to a pattern of taking two steps forward and one step back. People who are stuck in the Saboteur routine find themselves constantly bouncing from thing to thing, having difficulty with commitment. Perhaps they’ll feel excited about something and then quickly feel tied down by that very thing so that it feels like an obligation. They get feedback from others about not really “applying” themselves. The Saboteur also tends to change homes, jobs, and relationships frequently. Some would call this the “shiny object syndrome,” which refers to people who are always being seduced by the next big thing or the thing that looks better. They have difficulties with accountability, finishing what they start, and not getting enough traction or movement to sustain something. They jump into projects without getting foundational aspects in place because it’s either too much work or kills the creative spontaneity. They tend to stop trying as soon as something no longer holds their interest. They can create chaos to overwhelm themselves so that they don’t need to take action.
Someone stuck in the Saboteur routine is thinking about how to avoid or get out of commitments that are often connected to something that they initially felt excited about or were interested in, but aren’t anymore. They tell themselves things such as, “Well, I got at least a little bit done, so now I can take a break.” While we all need downtime, people caught in the Saboteur routine start doing things that reverse or undermine progress they’ve already made. They’ll spend because they saved, binge on unhealthy foods because they exercised, or take on too much right when they were starting to get some momentum going. They get irritated with people who try to hold them accountable. To justify not really putting sustained effort in the direction of their dreams, you may hear them say phrases to themselves such as: “This person [who wants me to be accountable] is being way too rigid and they need to relax! I’ll get it done in my own time!” They feel controlled by commitments, and are most likely to use phrases such as “I’m going to live by my own rules!” or “I need ease and self-care” to justify not really putting sustained effort in the direction of their dreams.
Other examples of Saboteur behaviors include putting forth tiny efforts and expecting big returns, waiting until the last possible minute to deal with something uncomfortable, getting upset with others who expect them to follow through on what they say they’re going to do, or failing to take the time to put things into place for long-term success. Saboteurs trying to unhook from this routine often find themselves struggling to rely on their instincts. Or, they may have a hard time telling the difference between quitting something because it’s not right for them versus quitting something because the routine has hooked them, again.
You know a Martyr routine when you see people who are relentless in their self-sacrifice and people pleasing. They’ve let their lives focus so much on service to others that they don’t make time for their own dreams and desires. They use their self-imposed obligations to others as a reason why the things they might want for themselves are impossible to attain. Someone playing out the Martyr routine might even enable others by stepping in with money or other resources for adult children or friends who are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves, or with people who need to suffer the consequences of their own behavior. For example, a parent who steps in to provide his adult child a place to live after she has gone on a credit card spending spree and can’t pay her rent would be considered a Martyr. Martyrs justify this sort of behavior by telling themselves “What else could I do? I had to step in. No one else can love or nurture or be there for them like I can.” They overwhelm themselves by stockpiling obligations they feel to everyone else, leaving no time for their own desires.
People stuck in a Martyr routine are probably secretly hoping to be noticed for their good deeds and selflessness, to get credit for what they’ve sacrificed, or to be validated by others. They think that it’s their job to protect people from the consequences of their poor decisions. When they put more attention on someone else’s needs, they tell themselves things like “I couldn’t take time for myself just then—someone else needed me,” or, “I had to step in, or else they’d suffer.” (In other words, someone would experience the natural consequence of their own poor choices.) Other times, Martyrs tell themselves that they couldn’t handle the impact of someone being mad at them, and that’s why they had to caretake.
Other examples of Martyr behaviors include saying yes even when one really wants to say no, people pleasing, and excessively worrying about what others think. Martyrs might get upset (usually a low-grade resentment) when others don’t notice or give them credit for what they do, at which point they’ll feel taken for granted. They tend to be self-sacrificing to a fault, such as the mom who won’t schedule a necessary doctor’s appointment for herself because it conflicts with her son’s weekly lesson that could easily be skipped or rescheduled. Or, they might let everyone else make the decisions, but then say, “Well, everyone else wanted something different, so I didn’t feel like I could change our plans.” Martyrs who start to unhook from this routine often notice themselves feeling confused about the difference between acts of kindness for others, and the sort of self-sacrifice that depletes them.
While Martyrs tend to think the things they want aren’t possible because of their self-imposed obligations to other people, someone stuck in a Pessimist routine fundamentally believes that things won’t work out because things just don’t work out for them. This then becomes the reason not to act or take responsibility.
A typical phrase a Pessimist might say when considering new possibilities is: “It’d be nice, but it’ll never happen.” If you ask someone stuck in a Pessimist headspace what she’d like to be different, you’re likely to be met with sarcasm: “Well, it’d be great if I didn’t have to have a job and could just lie around a pool all day. I’m sure that’s going to happen right after I win the lottery, huh?” Or, the person won’t even engage with the question: “What’s the point of saying what I want? It’s not like I have the time.”
People stuck in a Pessimist routine will insist that it’s just not possible to change something, and that the opportunities for change simply aren’t there. They may get irritated with anyone who suggests otherwise or brings up legitimate solutions to problems. Pessimists insist on their own incapability, even when the capability is there. There is a kind of futile hopelessness in relationship to their dreams. It’s not clinical depression, but more like a shrug of the shoulders at the idea that some big, bold dream could be theirs. (“Sure, it’d be nice, but who would pay the bills?”) Other times, the Pessimist routine will show up as a refusal to say sorry or admit to doing anything wrong, because the Pessimist is busy noticing how she was done wrong by someone else.
Someone stuck in a Pessimist routine sees the world through a lens of doubt, and is often consumed with all the ways that something is unfair or the ways that so-and-so with power is trying to screw over someone else. (For example, the person may think that his mother-in-law is trying to screw over the family; the utility companies are trying to screw over their customers with the bills; or the teacher is trying to screw over his kid). While issues of systemic oppression are real, when people are caught in a Pessimist routine, they aren’t thinking about these things from the place of how to give voice to the larger scope of social injustices or to change something. They are only focused on how life has singled them out personally to suffer, and they are insistent that they can’t do anything about it even when options are presented or available. Pessimists might find themselves saying things such as “If I didn’t watch out for myself, it’s not like anyone else would,” or “Even though I do my best, it never works out for me,” or “Why bother? Nothing will change.” Sometimes, the routine is taken out on others around them: “You never do this [thing that you should be doing], and I always have to do this [thing that I don’t want to do, as a result].”
Other examples of Pessimist behaviors include feeling low-grade resentment or anger without really doing anything about the problem, sending passive-aggressive emails or making passive-aggressive comments, pointing out various ways that someone else did it wrong with no ownership for one’s own mistakes, or pointing out various ways that something should be changed but not taking action to change it. (For example, they may hate their job but don’t do anything to change jobs, and there’s always a reason. “I’d never find another job! There’s no money, there’s not time.” Then, if a job opportunity becomes available, there’s another reason: “Well, it’s not the right time,” or, “Well, but there would be a commute.”)
Someone trying to get out of the Pessimist routine often finds herself struggling to see possibility and what she’s capable of creating even if circumstances such as lack of money or time are factors.
Which routine is your predominant one? First, take some time to get clear on which routine is your go-to. Again, it’s great to notice when pieces of other routines apply. We don’t always fit into just one routine. Sometimes we experience fear differently depending on the context. In one scenario where you feel “not good enough,” you might turn to the Perfectionist routine, which runs on striving and proving behaviors. When that becomes exhausting, you might turn to the Saboteur routine, which tells you to run in the complete opposite direction: “Take it easy; don’t worry about this right now.” With your family, you might be more of a Martyr, and with your job you might go into more of a Pessimist headspace.
Things get exciting once people know what their fear routines are. I realize that “exciting” might not be the first word that comes to mind for you, but bear with me. Things get exciting at this juncture because now you’ve got some essential pieces in place for embarking on this journey. Knowing which fear routine you default to gives you the power to stop living on autopilot from a fear-based place, and to start untangling yourself from the overall “fear pattern” of cue-routine-reward. Life will always have its cues, but if you can shift the “routine” part of the cue-routine-reward pattern, then you can shift the entire pattern itself. Imagine how life would be if you started moving in the direction of your most courageous self, noticed an old routine such as the Martyr or Perfectionist, and found that you could do things differently? This is where things have immense power to change for the better.
In the chapters that follow, you’ll learn how to implement each part in the Courage Habit process and bring forth that most courageous self that you defined in Chapter 1. You’ll be examining your own fear routines and applying each step of the Courage Habit so that your fear routine can’t function in the way that it’s accustomed to. The shift awaits you! Get ready—things are going to change, and it’s going to be brilliant!