For all my courageous dreaming, the very first time that I led an online course to teach people how to practice more courage in their lives, things didn’t go as well as I’d hoped. It all started out great—sixty people from the United States and various other countries signed up for the course! As people began to make their first introductions in our private online forums, I found that I’d go to bed at night unable to sleep because I was so excited about all that would await us. I was running a course and growing my business, while doing work that I loved and believed in!
My enthusiasm (and my ego) were delivered something of a shock when, about a week into the course, participation began to taper off. By the end of the second week, only about half of the participants were posting their thoughts about the lessons in our group forum. Instead, they were emailing me one-on-one to talk about the lessons, which was fine, but hardly the community-focused, enthusiastic group discussion I’d intended.
Then, something happened that really threw me into a tailspin. Someone emailed me three weeks into the course to ask for a refund. I immediately assumed that it must be that I wasn’t running the course well enough, and that my inability to create more group connection was the cause (notice the I’m not enough Story). My fear and insecurity went into overdrive as I obsessed over everything that I was doing, should have been doing, or could have done. When the course ended eight weeks later, my insecurity about the lack of participation was so intense that I was relieved the course was over.
Here I was, the person who was supposed to be practicing so much courage, and yet if I was honest, I felt like a failure. The participants of my course hadn’t seemed to connect with one another. I was scared to run another course. I’d taken a leave of absence from my job and was living off my savings and quickly accruing credit card debt. In the movies, taking risks was always rewarded, so why wasn’t this working out as I’d planned?
Weeks later, a friend named McCabe, a woman who had been running courses and workshops for years, visited San Francisco. We spent a day walking around San Francisco and taking photos. Later, we stopped to have tea in Chinatown, and she asked how things had been going. I took a deep breath.
“I keep trying to stay positive, but I feel like an idiot for thinking that this working for myself thing would ever work,” I told her. As bad as it felt to say that, there was a part of me that felt almost relieved. Finally, the truth. I told her about the lackluster participation and how afraid I was.
“Wait a sec, Kate,” McCabe said. “Walk me through this, again. How long did the course run, and what were the numbers for enrollment and participation?”
I said, “The course was eight weeks, and sixty people were there at the start. One person asked for a refund. About a third of the people never really participated at all. Some other people participated a bit more at the beginning, but then I felt like I hardly heard from them. The others mostly emailed me to talk about their individual progress in the course, rather than connecting as a group. I don’t know what I did wrong. I kept encouraging people to share, but…”
“Hold on,” McCabe said, her brow furrowed as she made some mental calculations. I waited, feeling some of my embarrassment return as I thought about how lack of sleep due to my excitement had turned into lack of sleep over how poorly things had gone. My Critic was loud: “I didn’t know anything about running a business. I had no business experience. I’d just created this course on a whim of following my dreams and practicing courage, and look where it had gotten me.”
“So, basically, you had a 2-percent refund rate?” McCabe said, interrupting my rumination now that she’d arrived at some fast calculations. “And, you said one-third didn’t really participate, so two-thirds of the participants were participating, so at least 66 percent of your participants were participating?”
“Well,” I said, her words catching me off guard. “Yeah—it’s just that most people weren’t really participating as much in the whole group.”
“Kate,” McCabe said, grabbing my arm so that I’d look her in the eye. “I’m not, like, trying to downplay how you feel, here, but do you know how good those results are? The majority was participating, on some level. You know, not everyone participates in an outward, extroverted way. Maybe the only thing needed here is some work to learn how to help the group come together more cohesively. Maybe you had a group with a lot of introverts. You did so well, Kate. Only one person in the entire bunch requested a refund. I really want you to see that this is a success, especially for your first-ever time doing this.”
It was taking me a minute to fully digest that my Perfectionist fear routine had been the one running the show the entire time, telling me Stories that I’d been believing about how much more should have been happening, and I hadn’t realized it. McCabe had years of experience as a facilitator, and if anyone would know what made for a successful course, she would.
“But the people weren’t really connected to one another,” I said, struggling to square this new information with how real the feelings of failure felt. “How do you get your groups to do that?”
“First tell me this,” McCabe said, “I’m sure that the lessons of courage that you teach are just as important for each individual as for a group who is connected to each other. So, why is it so important to you as a teacher that the participants are connected as a group? What’s the lesson for them in that group connection?”
For a moment, I struggled to articulate what I knew to be so true inside, and then I found the words. “It’s important to connect with other people who are trying to practice courage for the same reason that we’re talking right now, because when you have a hard time and feel alone, you need to know that there are other people who ‘get it.’ And, when you have something great happen, it just doesn’t feel as good to celebrate alone or with people who don’t really understand what you’re doing as it is to celebrate with someone who knows exactly how hard you worked to get there.”
“From what you’ve told me,” McCabe said, “People didn’t turn to one another in this group because you personally were supplying their needs for support when they emailed you. You were the person they could turn to when it was hard, or when they were celebrating. So, next time you run the course, maybe you’ll do a bit more to get people to connect with each other. But, Kate, you did your job as the teacher. You showed up for the people who were willing to do the work, even if it didn’t go as you’d planned.”
Talk about the teacher needing to learn her own lessons! That day, I realized that I myself had been hesitating to reach out, perhaps even in the same way some of the participants had been hesitating. My fear routine perpetuated itself without my awareness. Even with all the work that I did on my own to try to be self-aware, a fear routine could still hook me.
To truly live courageous lives, we need other like-minded people around us who are also trying to honor the values of courage. Why do we need this? First, creating courageous communities in our lives gives us the support we need to face challenges. Sometimes we just don’t see what’s right in front of us, and we need people who are doing similar work to help us to see the truth, as McCabe did for me. Most of all, you need to know who is in your own personal “courageous community.” When it’s time to celebrate, it’s just so much more fun to do it with people who have been with you through all the ups and downs, rough days, and victories. Talking to someone about your experience who truly “gets it” is far more satisfying. Quite simply, reaching out and creating community is part of living a better life.
The research into habit-formation also confirms the need for social support. Charles Duhigg, author of The Power of Habit (2014), writes: “For most people who overhaul their lives, there are no seminal moments or life-altering disasters. There are simply communities—sometimes of just one other person—who make change believable.” He writes about a 1994 Harvard study in which participants found that being involved in a social group made change easier. “One woman said her entire life shifted when she signed up for a psychology class and met a wonderful group. ‘It opened up a Pandora’s box,’ the woman told researchers. ‘I could not tolerate the status quo any longer. I had changed my core.’”
The work you’re doing with the Courage Habit is about no longer tolerating the status quo of a life lived with self-doubt or hesitation. You are changing at your core. You defined your Primary Focus and most courageous self, and then you began rerouting old habit loops, embarking on an entirely new path for your life. Everything you’ve done up to this point, with defining your most courageous self, then accessing the body and listening without attachment so that you could reframe limiting Stories, has primed you for this moment.
Creating courageous communities that support your changes will make the change not just believable, it’ll make change truly possible. To do that, we’ll start by looking at the qualities that underlie “courage-based” relationships, and from there we’ll see how the first three parts of the Courage Habit can be applied to creating more connection in your life. We’ll also address how to unhook from being negatively influenced by the people in your life who are unsupportive of the changes you’re trying to make.
When I talk about “reaching out and creating community” as the fourth Courage Habit step, I’m talking about identifying or creating intentional relationships that support your bold dreams and desires for change. This means actively strengthening existing connections, as well as seeking out new connections that reflect where we are at in our lives. Shasta Nelson, a friendship expert and author of Friendships Don’t Just Happen! (2013) writes, “The truth is that we all need to be constantly replenishing our circle of friends to ensure that it’s meaningful for who we are, now.”
The people who make up your courageous community might not be located near you nor even know one another. They won’t be considered your “community” because they all get together in one large group. Rather, your personal community consists of your network of courage-based relationships in which people actively practice courage and work through fear by reaching out to one another and offering or receiving support.
In courage-based relationships, you aren’t simply interacting with one another because it’s convenient; you’re being with one another in the process of practicing courage. If you consider the people you interact with on any given day, some of your existing relationships might already be courage based. Others may be more aptly described as “relationships of convenience.” These would include family members you are not particularly close to but see over the holidays, the coworkers you get drinks with because you leave the office at the same time, or the moms you invite over mostly because your kids happen to get along. Everyone has relationships of convenience and they aren’t bad, but they also aren’t usually the relationships that you can truly lean on. The women you chat with at the gym might be good people who interact with you, but they aren’t necessarily the people you bond with over the ups and downs, rough days, and victories of life.
To practice the Courage Habit step of reaching out and creating community, first you’ve got to know who you can reach out to. Where are the courage-based relationships in your life that will make up your courageous community? Who will be standing with you? Which relationships are courage based? Who is also playing the game of life from a place of taking risks in the name of their dreams, letting their most courageous selves emerge?
Before you begin the following exercise, take a moment to breathe and access the body. Think of the people you interact with on a regular basis. Think about who you live with; who you work with; the people you run into at the grocery store, in volunteer groups, at church, in exercise classes; family members; and Internet communities. Then honestly ask yourself the question: Of these people, who is also trying to let their most courageous selves emerge alongside you? Go with your gut on this. Write down the names of the people who you sense (or see) going after something bigger in life. Maybe their goals aren’t big and audacious, but you feel that there’s something intentional, caring, and supportive about how they choose to live. Put down absolutely every name that you can think of.
Then, using this list of names, let’s refine things to see who the star players are—the people who honor the value of courage through their way of being. Ask yourself if each person on your list practices any of the following “reaching out” behaviors that promote connection and support of one another. The examples below demonstrate what it looks like when people are reaching out in their own life. When they are reaching out, you’ll hear them expressing:
When you finish this exercise, you’ll be looking at a list of people who might have very different personalities and might not be interested in the same topics or activities. However, they will have something in common: They practice the kind of “reaching out” behaviors that are essential to any tribe or community. Most of us appreciate those behaviors but take them for granted without really thinking, “Ah, I get it. These are my kind of people, and with their support I can make big changes in my life.” You might not necessarily even be close to these people right now. That’s okay. In this chapter, you’ll see ways to start creating more connection with these individuals. You can also access this exercise at http://www.yourcourageouslife.com/courage-habit.
The first time I undertook this exercise, my own list of people who practiced the value of courage was painfully short. This exercise felt vulnerable to me, and the Story that came up was I don’t attract great people, because I’m not good enough for the great people to want to be around me. After identifying the Story, I reframed it and reframed it and accepted that it might take time for me to strengthen existing relationships, or to meet new people who shared my values.
To strengthen relationships or meet more people who practice the value of courage, I had to look at myself and make sure that I was walking my talk. If I wanted courage-based relationships in which we mutually supported one another, I needed to start practicing the same “reaching out” behaviors that I was looking for. The people I practiced “reaching out” behaviors with would be the people who made up my personal courageous community. That community wasn’t big at first. If that’s the case for you, be willing to see this list grow, rather than getting stuck in disappointment.
Regardless of whether you think there are plenty of people to reach out to or no one fits the bill, the good news is that all the steps of the Courage Habit that you’ve been practicing thus far have paved the way for you to either strengthen your existing relationships or create new ones. The work starts in a familiar place. Practice the first three parts of the Courage Habit by accessing the body, listening without attachment, and reframing limiting Stories, only this time add the additional component of applying the first three Courage Habit parts as you practice “reaching out” behaviors.
For instance, if you want to meet new people and expand your community and you tend to be more introverted, you might feel nervous or be unsure of where to go to make new connections. Try accessing the body, noting where fear sensations come up and do a body scan to see what your body has to say about your feelings of nervousness. Listen without attachment to the Critic who says that it’s not going to go well or that you aren’t social enough. Then, reframe those limiting Stories. If your Story is I’m just not a very social person, you could try Even if I feel awkward being more social, I’m willing to step into some awkwardness. In the actual moment of trying to be more social, if your Critic is critiquing how you are interacting, offer the Critic a silent “Re-do, please,” and then internally reframe any Story that you’re doing something badly. As you get to know a new person better, practice “reaching out” behaviors, such as offering compassion rather than critique or offering empathy rather than advice.
Let’s say that you’re more extroverted and have plenty of connections, but none of them feel particularly deep. Perhaps you have a family member you’ve often been in conflict with and you want that to shift. When interacting with this person, be open to sharing more about yourself from a heart-centered and vulnerable place, rather than sticking to easy and superficial topics of conversation. If you find that the person responds with some of that same vulnerability and courage, congrats! If he or she doesn’t respond from that same open-hearted space, and you don’t see the individual practicing other “reaching out” behaviors, note any limiting Stories that come up. Maybe the Stories are Things will never change or I feel stupid for being vulnerable with her. Reframe those Stories and be committed to finding others who are interested in “reaching out” behaviors.
All the Courage Habit steps support both your internal work to be more courageous and your external work to create more authentic, courage-based connections.
As I’m writing this chapter, I’m acutely aware that readers might fall into different camps. Some of you might feel like you’ve got plenty of support in your life, and thus these questions of how to get more support almost seem unnecessary. If that’s you, I love the fact that you’ve got great connections as a resource in your life!
Other readers may feel more isolated in terms of those good, solid, and supportive connections. Maybe you were nodding your head as you read my earlier examples of “relationships of convenience.” Perhaps you’ve always felt more introverted, or maybe you live in an area where there aren’t as many like-minded people because there’s a small population to choose from or because the general population seems to have drastically different interests or values.
Regardless of which camp you hail from, there’s more connection available for you. Let’s take a moment to go back to your Primary Focus and your desires for your most courageous self. Embedded within every desire that you have are opportunities for connecting with or creating a wider community. For some of you, bringing your Primary Focus to fruition will require that you get more connected with others. For example, if your deepest dream is to start a business, it will be essential to connect with people who know about business and marketing, not to mention you’ll need the ability to connect with customers.
Pause for just a second and review your Primary Focus. How will more connection with people who are authentic, warm, and interested in creating courageous habits and lives help you? Perhaps write down next to each item on your Primary Focus the types of connection you’d like. When Janelle, the busy mom from earlier chapters, answered these questions, she realized that she was going to need to involve her husband if she wanted to relax her expectations of herself as a mother. When Taylor was answering these questions, she noted fellow photographers whom she had admired and wanted to befriend but was shy about reaching out to them.
To practice the Courage Habit step of reaching out and creating community, you’ll need to actively practice reaching out, not just on paper but out in the real world. To see what that would look like, I’m going to ask you to choose a “practice person” whom you’ll keep in mind both for the written exercises, as well as for your actual practice in the world. Taylor chose one specific photographer as her practice person for these exercises. Carolyn ended up doing her work around the father that had been largely absent during her life.
Take a moment to really solidify who that practice person will be, in your mind. Who would you like to be more connected to in your daily life? Or, who would you like to get to know better?
One quick note about resistance: It’s highest when people feel most vulnerable, and relationships are a hot spot for feeling vulnerable. If you have any impulses to skip this chapter, or if there’s suddenly a reason not to complete these exercises because they feel “too cheesy,” then recognize this as your fear routine in action. Reaching out is the tool that really and truly brings all the Courage Habit steps together. Feeling weird, cheesy, a little anxious, or outright fearful is just part of the process, so keep the cue-routine-reward loop in mind and pay attention if this is the chapter where you start to go into a fear routine. You may want to revisit your goals for this work and the desires of your most courageous self to remind you of why it’s so important to stay the course.
Connection and Accessing the Body
Start using the Courage Habit steps with relationships by accessing the body as an information-gathering way to notice what feels true or what your Critic says about your practice person. Take a no-pressure approach and start with just observing yourself as you think of your practice person—how you feel around this person and what you sense about him or her—while breathing and noticing what’s arising in your body.
Initially, undertake this accessing the body without any initial intention of changing your behavior. You’re just noticing. How is your breathing when you think of this practice person? Does your breathing change? How is your body? What do your shoulders or neck do when you imagine talking to this person about your goals and dreams? What happens in your body when you imagine listening to this person talking about her goals and dreams? Do you feel comfortable making eye contact with this person, or does that feel intimidating?
Notice feelings of curiosity, excitement, camaraderie, being fully seen, groundedness, relaxation, heaviness, tiredness, or anxiety. Just note them, write them down on a sheet of paper, and see what insights arise.
In an earlier chapter, you practiced the Courage Habit step of listening without attachment. With this process, you were intentional about noticing what your Critic had to say rather than trying to get it to go away, so that you could address its fears, insecurities, and wounds. Through listening to what it said without getting attached and not taking on the Critic’s words as “truth,” you could heal the Critic and stop getting stuck in its Stories.
Do the same thing with your practice person in mind. Check in to see if your Critic has anything to say about this individual, or about whether he or she would be a good person to get to know better. If there are fears about creating better connections or if your Critic has any critiques of you, get those out into the open. Write them down, and then use those statements in your work with part three: reframing limiting Stories.
After accessing the body and listening without attachment, the work shifts to noticing any internalized Stories that bar you from taking the actual step of reaching out. You’ve listened without attachment to what your Critic had to say, so what are the capital-S Stories? What are the critiques that keep you from feeling closer to this person and to other people? What are the limitations your Critic claims to be inherent within you, which leave you feeling silly or isolated?
Here are some common Stories that I’ve heard from clients that keep them from reaching out and being authentic about either their challenges or their celebrations:
Remember that Stories are very, very convincing. They represent our assumptions and beliefs about “the way things are.” When I was afraid that my first-ever online course hadn’t gone well, why did I wait so long to reach out to anyone with my feelings of fear? Only in hindsight did I realize that it was because of the reasons that I just listed. I didn’t want anyone to think that I was burden, a pity party of problems, or that I was a complete wreck all the time just because I was expressing that I felt like a wreck in this one area. I was afraid of opening up about my fears and hearing nothing in response, or of being told that I should have done it better. I was caught up in the image of having it all together—a classic Perfectionist fear routine.
My Story that I couldn’t let go of the image of having it all together felt very real. I honestly didn’t see that I was caught in it again until my friend pointed it out to me. In the same vein, a Martyr’s fear routine might carry the Story that she’d be selfish to talk about her own difficulties, and that would feel very real. A person with a Pessimist fear routine might be convinced that there’s no point in reaching out. Those with Saboteur fear routines are most likely to reach out, but then they’ll sabotage the process of reaching out by choosing people who are unlikely to be supportive. Or, they might sabotage the process by reaching out, but subtly or overtly trying to get people to fix their problems for them.
Consider the fear routines that you identified earlier in this book. How might they be influencing the degree to which you reach out? Just as you did in the previous chapter, it’s time to identify and then reframe those limiting Stories. Here are some examples:
Write down the limiting Stories that you identified and start reframing them. Remember that you don’t need to go wild with a reframe, unless it feels authentic to you to do that. Just take it one small step at a time in a positive direction.
Now that you’ve walked through the process of applying the Courage Habit process to relationships with a practice person, it’s time to directly practice the fourth part: reaching out. Where do you start?
Earlier, you identified a list of people who you felt embodied qualities of vulnerability, compassion, optimism, kindness, and empathy. These are the people who are “in your corner” so to speak when it comes to living with courage and going after what you truly desire. So, now you start by reaching out to those people. Instead of waiting for them to take the first step and offer you empathy or compassion, find some way to offer them these same gifts. Offer a friend empathy, optimism, compassion, confrontation with kindness, or a safe space for their vulnerability.
You could open this kind of dialogue simply by inviting them to share what’s new, and listening. Or, you could let them know something you appreciate about them. Another option is a question that was first shared with me by Rich and Yvonne Dutra-St. John, cofounders of the award-winning Challenge Day organization: “If I really knew you, what would I know about you?”
If you’ve realized that your work is not about bolstering existing relationships, but rather more about creating new ones, decide to start practicing courageous connection with everyone you encounter. Take it on as a personal challenge. Ask the cashier how she’s doing, and really make eye contact with her. When a coworker expresses frustration, validate how she feels.
Isolation is both a Story and a choice. You’ve got the tools to confront the Stories, and now you’ve got the tools to make connection your choice. Creating more connection in your life is, in my opinion, some of the most courageous work that we ever do.
We’ve talked about relationships of convenience and courage-based relationships, but this chapter wouldn’t be complete without also addressing difficult relationships. When I talk with clients about why they’re hesitating to let themselves be fully seen by others as they make changes, they usually say something that resembles the following example: “My [husband, mother, father-in-law, boss, and so forth] would never support me. He’d [she’d] make sarcastic jokes about it. Any time I try to talk about [my big dream], he [she] tells me all the reasons why it won’t work. He [she] brings up all the other people who have tried but failed. He [she] tells me to be realistic. I try to not let this person get to me, but after a while, I start feeling like he’s [she’s] right. How am I supposed to keep up the motivation to make this happen when I can’t even get the people in my life on board?”
Most of my clients have found that as they stepped into being their most courageous selves that they also became a mirror for all the people in their lives. When we start making bold moves, other people inevitably start comparing themselves. “Why aren’t I quitting the soul-sucking job to build the career I really want like she is? Why am I not writing the book that I know I have in me like she is? Why am I not volunteering for the cause that I truly believe in like she is?”
You might have watched someone in your life do something courageous and felt inspired to go after what you want. However, for others, watching you do something courageous might make them feel insecure, and their feelings of insecurity warrant some compassion. Your work is to keep that compassion in mind, while you make sure that you don’t snuff your flame or give up on your dreams just so that they’ll feel more comfortable. Even with difficult relationships, you can use the Courage Habit to navigate the bumps that arise, starting with unhooking from what other people think.
The changes you make to step into a more courageous and authentic way of living and being will probably be met with a surprising mix of positive and negative responses from the people in your life. Sometimes the people you would most expect to be supportive will have the hardest time watching you change for the better. As a result, people making courageous changes in their lives have tried to hide or downplay their changes, which of course doesn’t work. What we really want in life is a way to be true to who we are and still connect with others. What do you do when you want to make changes to your life and there’s a possibility that those changes will trigger the criticism of others? Is the answer to just stop caring what anyone thinks?
Not really, I say. Most people who claim that they never care what anyone thinks of them are really working hard to pretend not to care. Deep down, they still care what people think, and the effort of pretending not to care becomes just as exhausting as the effort to pretend they are fearless.
I propose something different. Just like you don’t want to get rid of fear, you don’t want to get rid of the very natural human response of feeling hurt when someone is less than accepting of you. Instead, let’s meet the hurt head-on, work through it, and adopt a mind-set that makes us less likely to get hooked into seeking someone’s praise or approval.
Let’s get real, though. Being who you really are and letting others see this new courageous self emerge is probably going to feel awkward or vulnerable at times. If your family of origin tends to be openly critical, it’s hard to fully show up as yourself and be authentic, courageous, and real. That’s why we’ll be examining what I call “hiding out” behaviors that promote mistrust in relationships. Ultimately, you can’t control what others think or say about the new direction that your life is going in, but you can make a conscious choice to stay aligned with the choices that you are making and practice behaviors that promote trust instead of hiding out from the truth of who you are.
When it comes to hiding out and not letting your most courageous self be fully seen by others, everyone falls somewhere on the spectrum. On one end of the spectrum, people ultimately will claim the truth of who they are and how they want to live, but little bits of “hiding out” behaviors creep in. Perhaps they feel shy about sharing a success, have occasional worries about not being accepted fully, or go after a dream but not without hesitation—facing some big battles and resistance from themselves first. On the other end of the spectrum, “hiding out” behaviors might look like being condescending and dismissive of your own efforts when others ask what you’re up to, living two different lives depending on who is noticing, and being completely unable to reach out when you’re struggling.
Like so many other aspects of how we get through each day, “hiding out” behaviors can become such a default that we aren’t always aware that we’re engaging in them. Here are just a few examples of what hiding out can look like:
In all the examples above, someone can be doing the work of the Courage Habit on an individual level, but if you’re still hiding out from connection, there’s a new playing ground for fears, such as not being enough. “Who I am isn’t going to match people’s expectations. So, to be good enough for them, I’ll behave in the ways that they deem acceptable.”
Pause for a moment. Access the body. Review the list of ways to hide out above and ask yourself: Which of these can I relate to?
In my experience of talking about this process with many people, the degree to which someone hides her most courageous self from the relationships in her life is directly related to how much and how often trust has been broken in relationships. Someone who has had an extreme experience of broken trust, such as abuse or being in a manipulative relationship, will be far more likely to hide her most courageous self and feel preoccupied with how she appears to other people.
This doesn’t mean that it always takes an extreme experience of broken trust for someone to want to hide out. We hide who we really are or downplay the changes that we’re making to maintain balance in relationships, to avoid criticism or being made fun of, or to be taken seriously (especially in the context of our work or in the workplace). We hide out because somewhere life has taught us that the responses of others can be painful, and that showing all of who you are comes with costs. You might know that you’re physically safe around catty coworkers, but under the weight of their office gossip and undermining of you in meetings, you aren’t emotionally safe. You might not ever be concerned that your mother-in-law is going to clock you with her purse as you walk by, but if you’re acutely aware that at any moment she’s going to make you the butt of a joke, you don’t feel emotionally safe around her.
In our relationship with ourselves and others, we can practice behaviors that promote trust, or we can practice behaviors that create mistrust. The behaviors that create mistrust will emerge as a kind of dance that looks like this:
It continues to spiral from there. For example, your boss doesn’t trust you, so she micromanages you, which causes you to resent and mistrust her ability to be a great boss. As each person looks to the other person to be the first one to change and be more trustworthy, both parties stay locked in opposition, and it only ever becomes harder to trust as each person waits for the other to take the high ground. If you’ve ever participated in this dance, you know that sometimes trust can become so damaged between two people that even when you offer an olive branch the person still thinks that you’re just fooling them.
So, how can we stop this dance? Since we can’t control other people or their reactions, we change the dynamic by looking at any Stories that we’re believing that might prompt us to hide out. We then reframe those Stories and replace the hiding out with reaching out. Again, you can’t control other people or their reactions, which means you can’t control whether they’ll be happy about the changes you’re making. What you can control is the impulse to edit yourself in order to make others more comfortable.
Consider how you pretend, shift, change, or alter your behavior around certain people in your life. How do you edit yourself around critical people? People who are unsupportive? People who are typically negative? Changing our behavior, holding ourselves back, and making decisions based on what other people think often make up the last wall that needs to come tumbling down as we make the transition from being stuck in a fear routine to living our most courageous life. Our fear routines and Inner Critic drive the Stories that someone else’s criticism will feel too awful to bear, that we’ll be left by the people that we love if we tell the truth, or that our marriages can’t withstand the difficult but necessary conversations.
“Hiding Out” Stories
Take some time to consider the following prompts to uncover any Stories that might influence your “hiding out” behaviors. I call these your “hiding out” stories. Write down the questions and your responses on a sheet of paper or on the worksheet available at http://www.yourcourageouslife.com/courage-habit, if you’re so inclined.
After writing your responses to these questions, it’s time to distill them down to specific, clear sentences in order to break down the Stories that underlie them. For example, if for question 2 you wrote many different reasons why you can’t be yourself, try simplifying the sentence into the following: “My Story is that I can’t be myself when things are difficult.” Or, if for question 5 you wrote something like “I wouldn’t want anyone to know the amount of the debt we’re in,” you could re-write the sentence into “My Story is that I can’t be myself if my family is in a bunch of debt.” You’re asked to put sentences into an authoritative “I” form because working on your own Story about what other people’s judgments are of you will do more for you than trying to change someone else’s opinion.
After you’ve rewritten these statements in the “I can’t be myself…” structure above, you’ll literally have a list in front of you of the Stories that underlie any impulses to hide out, rather than reach out. Access your body. How does it feel to review this list? Which Stories seem to jump off the page and “get you in the gut” with how true they feel?
The last step in this process is to start questioning each sentence as a possible Story and reframe any Stories that are accurate for you. Remember your tools of reframing from the last chapter, and that you’re not being asked to put a sparkly overcoat on a difficult or painful situation. Rather, reframing your Stories involves acknowledging where you are, and stretching in a more positive direction. Here are a few examples:
I can’t be myself around people who are judgmental. I can notice where I feel an impulse to hide out around people who are judgmental. I can question how much power I want to give to a judgmental statement. I can choose to ignore someone’s judgment. I can respond to someone’s judgment by asking them to rephrase their statement, respectfully.
I can’t be myself if I’m in a bunch of debt. I can better understand where I’ve tied money to my identity. I can question who I would be without the debt, and see how to be more of that now. I can redefine living happily, even with debt. I can start letting people know that I’m in debt, but I’m committed to getting out of it. I can choose not to be ashamed of having debt. I can take pride in the fact that I’m working on my debt problem.
Whether we trust in our ability to withstand criticism, or whether we hide out to desperately avoid it, is always based on our capital-S Stories. How much you trust yourself and your ability to navigate the responses of others has everything to do with how much power you give to the Stories. You deserve to feel full ownership over your life and your choices, and to feel free to be totally and completely who you truly are without fear of what others will do or say.
I said earlier that to stop hiding out, we need to identify, question, and reframe the Stories that might prompt us to hide out, and then start practicing “reaching out” behaviors. So, let’s not keep this task of working out difficult relationships theoretical. You don’t need to wait until the next time that you are talking to someone who judges you before you can apply this work.
You’ve been thinking of a practice person as you’ve been working through the exercises in this chapter. Complete any piece of an exercise that you haven’t finished. Silently think of the person and access the body in some way. Then, listen to what the Critic has to say about the person, or about your interaction with the person. Then, note the Stories that arise, and immediately begin the process of reframing them. Last, identify a “reaching out” behavior that you could practice with this person. For example:
Practice your “reaching out” behaviors with this person from a place of deep commitment to honor the value of courage in your life, and not from a place of wanting this person to be different or wanting a result. In earlier chapters, you practiced listening to the Inner Critic without attachment. The idea is that regardless of what the Critic says to you, you don’t take it as truth. If you’re trying to improve an existing connection in your life, especially one that has historically been difficult, the tool is essentially the same. Here’s an example: A family member asks you what you’ve been up to lately, and instead of hiding out by downplaying the truth with saying, “Oh, things are fine, busy as usual,” you decide to be fully seen. You say, “I’m considering a career change. I’m really ready to leave my old job, and I think I’m getting somewhere in finding out what’s next for me.”
The family member first responds with, “It’s a terrible economy right now for a career change.” Then, she moves into full-on criticism. “After all that money you spent on your MBA, I can’t believe you’d do something so foolish as to completely change careers.” If this family member was the Inner Critic, you’d say “Re-do, please,” because your Inner Critic is part of you, and you get to call the shots when it comes to your own headspace. But, in real life, you can’t make people rephrase something or change their behavior. When it comes to friends or family members who are unsupportive, negative, or critical, there are two options. First, you can try and speak about how you feel and directly request that the two of you identify and practice more “reaching out” behaviors. Or, you accept that the person is going to behave how they behave and set up appropriate boundaries to care for yourself, protecting yourself from the impact of their negativity.
When Janelle began talking to her husband about how overwhelmed she felt and making requests for his help, he initially felt so overwhelmed by the thought of taking on more that he wasn’t open to hearing it—period. At first, Janelle had to stop herself from handling something for him, just as she had to stop herself from handling things for her children, so that he would see that she had a real boundary around creating more space for herself. That was enough to bring him to the table for a conversation in which they could both talk about dividing responsibilities more equitably.
Carolyn, by contrast, had almost no relationship with her father and much of her work was in reaching out to see if he wanted more contact. After several attempts, he didn’t respond, which initially caused Carolyn deep pain. After spending some time working through her feelings about her father and grieving the relationship that never was, Carolyn reframed an old Story that her life had somehow been less because he was absent. She realized that she couldn’t really know if her life had been harder without him, and given his behavior after she tried to reach out, perhaps she truly had been better off. These are just two examples of how people can take on this work around connection.
Whenever you think a relationship can be improved, the Courage Habit process can be utilized. Access the body so that you can take deep breaths and stay grounded during a difficult conversation. Listen without attachment to what the other person says. For instance, if the individual doesn’t agree with you or doesn’t want to do things your way, it’s best to listen without attachment. Understand that just as Critics might put down your ideas due to their own insecurity, people who love us very much can be just as limited when it comes to their own fears and insecurities. Sometimes, people criticize us because they are afraid for us. Just as you work with the Critic, rather than avoiding, pleasing, or attacking, you can work with people who are willing to create more respectful communication. Reframe limiting Stories about yourself, or about how much connection is possible. You can even build reframing into how you respond to someone who isn’t supportive. Here are just a few examples:
Last, continually strive to reach out rather than hide out. Let go of image, and be willing to be vulnerable. Offer empathy, before you offer advice. In other words? Treat people how you’d want to be treated. When people aren’t willing to respect the changes that you’re making in your life, you might need to make some difficult yet courageous choices. These choices could include:
When my clients are wrestling with these decisions, they often ask me, “How do I know what choice to make?” I can’t give them an answer for that, but I do suggest that before they exit a relationship, they fully clean up their side of the street. Change can start with these simple lines: “Hey, things aren’t feeling good. Can we talk about it?”
If you’re ready to start feeling more connected to the people around you and to start meeting people who are on the same journey to more courageous living, start applying the four parts of the Courage Habit to your relationships. Access your body, and be honest about what you feel. Notice your Inner Critic and your criticisms of others, and listen without attachment. Clarify your limiting capital-S Stories—about them and yourself—and reframe them. And, finally, take action to reach out and create a wider community through practicing behaviors that reflect the value of courage.
Navigating difficult conversations isn’t the only arena for applying the Courage Habit process. Janelle, the mother of three we talked about in earlier chapters, called in with some interesting news. “Kate, have you ever applied these steps to parenting? I’ve got my kids using them!” She went on to explain that during one particularly frustrating day when she was negotiating a three-way argument between her two oldest children, she had stopped and closed her eyes to access the body, and one of her children had asked her what she was doing.
“I’m accessing the body,” she told him. “It’s what I do when I’m feeling tense and need to relax.”
“I want to try it,” he said.
What unfolded next completely surprised Janelle. She explained to the kids that the next time there was an argument, everyone needed to stop and access the body and then listen to what the other person was saying. Then, if someone was saying something unkind, something that was leading them to feel frustrated or sad or that felt hurtful, they could ask each other to use the tool of “Re-do, Please.”
When Janelle’s son asked what to do if the other person was still being mean, Janelle got stuck for a moment, but then she knew exactly how to explain the idea of reframing limiting Stories to her son. “Sometimes people get angry or act mean, but we can work it out. It doesn’t mean that we don’t love them, or that they aren’t still our friends.” Then, she told me, she had added the tool of reaching out by reminding him that he could always play with someone else, or come to her if he wanted to talk things through.
People I’ve worked with have also used different parts of the Courage Habit as an underpinning to improving communication in their marriages, and not just during times of conflict. Taylor, newly married to her husband, Ben, once shared that he had been incredibly curious about the work she was doing in coaching. She told him about the four parts of the Courage Habit, and they started talking about them over dinner each night. They decided to start each meal by breathing and truly getting present with one another. Ben tended to withdraw when he was stressed about work, so they made a pact that Ben would make a point of reaching out on hard days by letting Taylor know what was on his mind. And, Taylor would make a point of reaching out by listening with empathy rather than offering advice. (Ben particularly loathed receiving advice.) When Ben could trust that he would truly be heard, he opened up more and he and Taylor felt closer to one another.
There’s a ripple effect that happens when even one individual decides to start practicing the Courage Habit process. The first three parts help you to do the inner work, and reaching out is the step that brings living a courageous life full-circle. The best part is that there is no need to work to “convert” anyone. You can model how to honor the values of courage and be willing to let your most courageous self be visible, and other people just become interested in what you’ve got going on that has you happier and more fully alive. They, too, want to stop being limited by fear or self-doubt and will get curious about the process.
While the issues that my clients (mostly women) bring to coaching are deeply personal, they are also rooted in collective problems faced by our society. Janelle was overwhelmed as a mother in part because of the expectations our society places on women to be endlessly self-sacrificing without giving much in the way of childcare, financial support, or emotional resources to women who become mothers. Carolyn, who lost a parent and was plunged into extreme debt through no fault of her own, was like many people in our society who have no safety net available and who become extremely vulnerable when the worst happens. Taking these facts into account, it might seem as if individual work is only ever a Band-Aid for a much larger problem that needs to be addressed.
However, I’d also argue that this perspective doesn’t consider the necessity of doing individual work so that you can expand your resilience to do collective work. We also need tools to work through our own personal fears about wide-scale change. We may look around and see the things that we deeply desire to change in the world, yet the Critic is still stuck in a Pessimist routine, saying, “The problem is too big; be realistic. It’s not like you can do anything about it.” It’s only through becoming individuals who practice courage that we’ll create a world where everyone is willing to face fear by asking the hard questions and taking action even when there’s self-doubt.
At this point, you’ve covered an incredible amount of ground! In this chapter alone you put the final Courage Habit step into place by thinking about how you can integrate your Primary Focus and desires for change into the rest of your life. I really hope that you’ll consider taking just one more active step as part of the work to reach out and create community. Please consider joining the Courage Habit online community, which is a pretty incredible group of people who are committed to practicing the four parts of the Courage Habit. Head to http://www.yourcourageouslife.com/courage-habit for information about how to join the group.
After joining, feel free to introduce yourself and let us know what part of the book you’re currently working through and what you’re noticing. There is an entire world of people out there who deeply desire courageous connection. If you’ve read this far, I think you’re one of us. You can also share any places where you might feel stuck. (We’re happy to help!) If you share something you’re proud of, we’re excited to cheer you on and get yet another reminder that big, bold things are in fact possible, and you are the proof.
There is one last piece to this process that mirrors how I work in a coaching relationship: taking time to review and reflect on the work you’ve done and declare completion on this leg of the process. In the next chapter, you’ll have an opportunity to identify any last spaces where you’re holding yourself back. I’ll also be encouraging you to truly get grounded in feeling proud of all that you’ve done. Take a breath, and let’s do a little truth-telling about just how amazing you are and how far you’ve come.