This entire journey started because on a rainy, gloomy winter day in San Francisco, I woke up feeling lackluster, and had felt this way for far too many days in a row. I decided to pay attention to that and ask myself what had led me there and what I could do to change. Looking honestly at why I was unhappy in my career became the catalyst for something much bigger: getting honest about the fear-based choices that I had made, understanding and releasing my own self-imposed limits, and letting my most courageous self emerge.
Going through this process and regularly returning to the process as new challenges and fears arise enables me to support others who are working the Courage Habit steps. In the coaching world, we treat exhaustion, unhappiness, and other body-based signals as being worth listening to. We look at the fear routines that derail us whenever we aren’t conscious of the role they play. We keep orienting toward a bigger vision by determining a Primary Focus, talking about who that most courageous self is, and then creating room for that bolder self to emerge. Then, the work begins of taking action toward that change and practicing the four steps of the Courage Habit. Ultimately, this work is never just about a goal or “achieving” the Primary Focus. Deciding on a focus for change is just the doorway to doing things differently, dreaming big, getting creative, and stepping forward to take emotional risks in the name of creating the life that you want.
The best thing about the Courage Habit tools is that they lead you beyond goals and into a more courageous way of being. They’re the steps that you take to live a more courageous, more vitally alive life. I’ve watched in awe as people have done things that they had never thought they’d be capable of, all in the name of their own happiness. People have found their voices and stood up to domineering relatives, totally altering the course of old, entrenched patterns in their family. They’ve confronted addictions, given up everything, and traveled the world. They’ve walked away from lucrative careers to do things with their lives that might have appeared ordinary to the outside world, but that were extraordinary for their own souls.
What’s more, I’ve seen these tools go beyond a person’s individual goals. Clients have applied the Courage Habit to parenting, social justice work and activism, cooperative education, non-profits, creativity and the arts, and shifting the dynamics within a corporation. These are pragmatic tools that you can learn, share, and use with others. If enough of us are practicing them, the result could be pretty amazing. We could see a world where more people are practicing courage, deciding that it’s worth it to face fears and find solutions to our collective challenges.
In this chapter, I’ll be inviting you to reflect on your process and complete an assessment and review designed to help you feel truly proud of what you’ve invested. Before we do that, it’s important that I offer support around one last piece of the puzzle—the “it’s still not enough” Story that can keep you from seeing how far you’ve truly come.
You’re going to find that even after doing this work, life’s loose ends, challenges, and stuck spaces will still crop up. For example, maybe you’ve come to realize just how important a Primary Focus goal is, but even with regular effort, you’re still not quite there. This can arouse feelings of disappointment, incite a Critic that uses this as irrefutable “evidence” for why things can’t change, and make it more difficult to release those This is impossible Stories that you’ve been trying to reframe.
Does this mean that the process didn’t work? What do you do with the fact that even with progress, there are still things in life that feel stuck? What you do is commit to trusting the process of change by returning to the four parts of the Courage Habit. Access the body, and note what you feel. Listen without attachment to the Critic and the Stories it brings, such as Things are supposed to be farther along than this or Things still feel stuck in my life and they shouldn’t. Reach out to others who will remind you that even if life has challenges, there’s still a lot of good, and that what you’ve invested in your journey has been worth it.
Trusting the process will mean that you give yourself some room to be an imperfect person, living an imperfect life (as we all are), and recognizing that the power to be happy is your own. You can still be happy even if you didn’t do it all perfectly, if you still have things you’d like to change, and if your progress isn’t as far along as you might have hoped it would be by now. We get so much conditioning from the media and Hollywood portraying a “happy life” as one in which things are neatly wrapped up that we don’t even always know what an authentically happy life looks like.
An authentically happy life is one that contains moments that are messy, unfinished, and sometimes stuck. It also contains beautiful moments where you follow your soul’s calling and decide that you won’t stand for another minute of the status quo, and you may even see your dreams realized! A happy, courageous life isn’t an either-or equation. What’s messy, unfinished, or stuck is a reflection of the growth process that we’re in, and it will be ongoing.
Just as we’ve got to unhook from the lie of “forever fearlessness,” we’ve got to unhook from the lie that growth only happens when you’ve achieved an outcome (and thus, have a “perfect” life). Growth must be put in its proper context: It’s a long-game proposition, and sometimes you’ll grow more and at other times less. I can promise you that all the people profiled in this book live better lives than they were living before they started to go after their Primary Focus goals or practice the steps of the Courage Habit. However, none of them live perfect lives in which they don’t ever encounter struggles.
In the years since I shifted things in my own life, I’ve felt lucky beyond belief to have created a life that feels like me. At the same time, challenges have still come up. I’ve been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, hit financial challenges that seemed insurmountable at the time, grieved lost friendships, and more.
Again and again, I have turned to the process of the Courage Habit to see myself through. Right alongside the difficulties I’ve experienced, and because I’ve remained committed to the Courage Habit steps, I’ve also transcended those difficult circumstances and created a lot of good! I married a man who is also my best friend, became the CEO of my own company, gave birth to our daughter after doctors gave me a pretty grim infertility diagnosis and all fertility treatments had failed, met women who are not just friends but my soul sisters, contributed my work to national news media, and stepped into financial security and sovereignty over my time that seemed impossible before I began using the Courage Habit tools. That’s an example of the long game: The challenges still arise, but in facing difficulties with the Courage Habit process, you can continue to be able to live from the place of your most courageous self.
Trusting the process and putting growth in context is one of the “secrets” to living a happier life. Clarifying and then unhooking from your own Stories about where you “should” be, and allowing yourself to be where you are and trust the process you’re in, takes you out of the exhausting struggle to be better. Instead, you get the relief of being just where you are, and being proud of what you’ve done.
If you think that there might be any Stories of I should be farther along, or Since I still feel stuck around , it means I haven’t truly become more courageous, take some time to untangle those Stories, now. Write them down on a piece of paper, use the same process that you used in Chapter 5 to question those Stories, and then reframe them in the direction of trusting your process.
If you’re having trouble questioning and reframing those Stories, just think back to the way things felt when you first started this journey, reading the first pages of this book. How were you handling fear then? Were you trying to ignore it or push it away? What place did your deepest dreams hold in your life? Did you feel like they had free rein to emerge?
What has shifted since then? Notice that I didn’t ask what was perfect, whether you’ve got your life completely in order, or if your Primary Focus has been “achieved.” It’s great if these things have happened, but noticing what has shifted and being present to the ways in which you are growing and changing is enough. In fact, it’s the most important thing. That’s how you honor the value of courage and live your courageous life.
Even after all these years of practice, every time I stretch into some new space, I know that I will again feel some level of fear or self-doubt. I don’t see it as a failing that I still feel those things. Instead, I remember that those cues of fear won’t go away, because that’s not how life works. Instead, I can examine my routines. I can also take fear and self-doubt as a sign that something deeply matters to me. Instead of responding to the fear in the old, habitual ways, I get curious, and the fear sometimes even turns to excitement! I know that if I’m willing to be in process with each part of the Courage Habit, I’m going to find my way to something great. Life can get even better than it already is. There’s so much more that awaits you as you work with these tools.
Before we close out our time together, let’s reflect on and review your process. As you answer each question, access the body by finding that place within you that’s willing to celebrate what you’ve done. See if you can connect to that little buzz of excitement that is felt in the body when you’re proud of yourself. If your Critic pops up to tell you that you haven’t done enough to deserve celebration, use “Re-do, Please” and do a bit of reframing for any Stories that the Critic offers. Then get back to celebrating, and push yourself to find those true, full-tilt celebration sensations in your body.
If your work with this book was to mirror a cue-routine-reward loop, this celebration would be the ultimate reward! You get to celebrate the work that you’ve invested in your process. Whatever work you’ve done is enough! Deciding that you’ll believe the Story that you’ve done enough in this read of The Courage Habit is part of supporting your most courageous self. Give yourself credit for what you have done, instead of telling the Story that you should have done more.
Some people will love answering these questions with their favorite journal or on the worksheet available at http://www.yourcourageouslife.com/courage-habit. Others will want to do this exercise in a different way. You could try walking and pausing to answer a question as you walk; or speaking the question aloud, slowly; or getting visual—paint, make a collage, doodle your responses.
After completing these questions, do something that honors the process you’ve undertaken. You could share about your process, share these questions with someone else who is completing the Courage Habit, or give the questions an honoring space somewhere. Fold the paper containing your answers and tuck it under your pillow, plant the paper in the earth, or put it on your home altar if you have one. I personally love to put my responses to these questions in an envelope, write the date on the envelope, and then set it aside. A year later, a reminder in my calendar prompts me to open the envelope and connect to my gratitude for having put the work in, as well as to see how far I’ve come.
When I’m working with a coaching client who is ready to discontinue coaching sessions, we declare completion of this part of our coaching relationship. We both understand that the client will always have more ways that she wants to grow, but that the process she underwent has a beginning, a middle, and an end, and now she’s got some tools for continuing her growth process herself. Before we part ways, I always ask people to think about what they want to create now from this new vantage point. What beckons on the horizon? What new adventure awaits? That’s what I’ll be asking you to do as we close out this part of the Courage Habit process.
First, let’s start with a declaration and summary of what has shifted, keeping it simple. I offer some sample sentences below. Choose one thing that has shifted and write it down in the journal you’ve been keeping during the Courage Habit process.
What would you like to create from this new vantage point? You’re a person who has undertaken a journey of self-inquiry, being willing to keep asking the tough questions even if you encountered fear along the way. Ask yourself: What’s next? What’s your ongoing personal work? Consider the next twelve weeks of your life. If you were beginning this process anew, starting at this vantage point after you’ve learned so much more about yourself and what you’re capable of, what would you want to create? Sometimes, clients answer that they’d just like to keep refining the Primary Focus that they had already set out to create, in which case their “new” Primary Focus goals would be “Continue my work with .” Other times, clients share that they’ve got a new vision on the horizon, and they’re excited to roll up their sleeves and see what else is going to unfold. It’s completely up to you.
If there’s something that immediately comes to mind, write that down, and you know the rest! Otherwise, turn to the work you did for Chapter 1 to clarify your most courageous self. At the end of that chapter, you articulated a Primary Focus with three specific items. Inevitably, there’s something that didn’t make it onto that list of three things, and perhaps now is the time for you to take it on. Or, try going through each of the exercises for clarifying your most courageous self again, bringing a beginner’s mind to the process.
Another way to build this work into your life is to make it seasonal. Every year before the New Year, my husband and I have a date night where we ask ourselves what we want to be, do, or have during the year to come. We write down our desires for the year and share them with one another, and check in with each other periodically throughout the year. I write down action steps related to what I want to create for the year in my calendar, and those become prompts to keep checking in with myself. In recent years, I’ve invited everyone online to participate. I sent newsletter subscribers the free annual “Courageous Living Planner,” a downloadable planner that has Courage Habit tools tied to monthly and quarterly prompts.
Whichever path you choose, take time now to write down your three new Primary Focus goals. Honoring the value of courage and responding differently to old fear routines is ongoing work, but understand that now you are very much equipped with the tools for doing this on your own. You’ve got this!
Of course, this never has to be a solitary process. I hope that you’ll join us in our free Courage Habit community on Facebook. Head to http://www.yourcourageouslife.com/courage-habit to get started. Any time you want to connect with other Courage Habit participants from around the world, you can find each other using the #couragehabit hashtag on social media. You can also tag me on Instagram (@katecourageous) or head to Facebook.com/YourCourageousLife; I’ll be excited to give you a congratulatory shout-out. Let all of us celebrate with you as you complete each part of the process!
Thank you so much for being part of this book—and truly, you are part of the writing of this book. I’m so incredibly honored to have been part of your personal process in this small way. Every single word was written while thinking of people like you, who will use these tools to create a better life for yourself and the people in your world. I offer a deep, deep bow.