Chapter Twenty-Seven

CALLIE—

I couldn’t shut the door, shut him out, knowing I’d regret it for the rest of my life if I did.

I couldn’t pretend that what I felt from him was an illusion or that it was wrong. I couldn’t want him and not want him at the same time.

I couldn’t tell him I wouldn’t forgive him when I wanted the same forgiveness from him. I couldn’t.

So, I let him in.

I’d never seen him look so vulnerable, yet as honest as he did in that moment. It was as if the raindrops soaking his skin and clothes had washed his entire facade away and what was left was just him. Just Aaron. His eyes were different than they had been just an hour prior when he left me. They were clear and open, looking at me, actually looking at me, and they looked relieved.

“Can we sit down?” he asked.

I nodded and followed him to the couch. I sat at one end, grabbing the throw blanket that was hanging across the back of the couch, and he sat at the other. After I wrapped myself up in the blanket, I fiddled with the yarn at the end and focused on anything but him.

“Callie?” he whispered.

“Yes,” I replied, avoiding his gaze.

“What are you thinking?”

I sighed deeply. “I’m thinking…that…we, everything, is really messed up. We messed up.”

“I suppose we did, but I have to be honest.” He paused for a moment before continuing. “Callie, can you please look at me?”

While it was probably the polite thing to do, I knew that looking anywhere in the vicinity of his eyes, his face, was usually my downfall.

Or the dropping of my pants.

It was how, like I’d just told him, we really messed up. We let the sex guide us and somewhere along the line we fell in love. Unfortunately, communicating with me in any other way besides in bed was something we never completely established.

It was the way we said hello and ultimately the way we said good-bye.

Or so I thought.

“Calliope?”

“I’m scared, Aaron. So much has happened and I don’t know how we can fix it,” I said.

“Neither do I, but I’m willing to try.” He paused and looked down. “Are you?”

How did I explain to him that, yes, I wanted to try to fix us, but I was scared out of my mind. I was starting a brand-new life, a life in which I wouldn’t have to be dependent on anyone for the first time, and that meant I wanted to wipe the slate clean of all my screwups of the past. While I didn’t want to consider what we had a screwup, I knew all the lying and deception weren’t some of my proudest accomplishments.

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly.

“I understand. I really do, because even though I don’t know how to make this better, I know I want to try. I know because I can’t imagine living any more of my life without you in it.”

He paused to gauge my reaction, which I’m sure looked something like I had gone a few rounds with Mike Tyson. I was tired, beat down, and my head was just swimming with confusion. After a nod of my head to let him know I was listening, he continued.

“I came here tonight to tell you that, to tell you so much, but I messed up. Again. Seeing you, after not for so long, and thinking you might be with someone else, that I was too late, made me lose my entire reason for coming here in the first place. Then…I don’t know…we…just…”

“Fucked?”

“Well, yeah,” he chuckled sadly. “Although I didn’t want it to seem so crude.”

“Well, let’s call a spade a spade, right?”

“I know that’s how it looks, but I’m telling you the truth. I didn’t come over just to do that. You have to believe that.”

We were quiet for a minutes, allowing everything to sink in.

“I was waiting to not trust you,” he said, not waiting for me to answer his question. “I mean, I didn’t realize at the time I was doing it, but in retrospect, and talking with Diane, I was able to…”

“Wait,” I interrupted. “Who is Diane?”

So help me God, if he has another girlfriend or a new nanny he’s banging, I’ll grab the closest thing I can find and beat him until he is stuttering like a crack addict on a bumpy L route.

“Diane is…she’s a therapist I’ve been seeing,” he replied nervously.

“You’re seeing a therapist?”

“Yeah.”

“Wow,” I said.

He shifted uncomfortably while wringing his hands together roughly. “Does that make you uneasy?”

“No, it’s surprising, but it doesn’t make me uneasy.”

He nodded. “I can see that. No one was more shocked than I was that I was actually doing it, but my dad gave me a good verbal ass-kicking and…”

“Your dad? I mean, sorry to keep interrupting you, but…your dad was the one who told you to go to therapy?”

“Strange, right? Yeah, I mean, he pointed out what a fuckup I was being, and for the first time ever, I listened and realized he was right.”

“So, does that mean he knows about what happened between us?”

“He didn’t at first, but yes, he does know. Everything.”

I almost wanted to laugh out loud at the irony. Daniel, who had put up such a fuss and caused so much stress, was the voice of reason.

“Do you feel like talking about some things helped?” I asked.

He took his time responding. “Yes,” he answered.

I wanted to ask him what he learned or how it helped. I wanted to know what he told this Diane person about me and what she said about me in turn. I wanted to be angry that it took an outside person to get some shit through his thick head, but in the same breath, I wanted to praise him for not wallowing and for taking charge.

“What are you thinking?” he asked.

“I’m thinking…wondering…if I’ll ever understand you.”

He looked sad, so totally defeated. “It hurts me, more than you know, that you feel that way.”

“I’m sorry. I…”

“No, let me finish. Callie, I have to be accountable for my role in all this. I could point fingers and say it was all your fault, but that wouldn’t be fair because I know the truth. The truth is, I wanted you the same way you wanted me, and it scared the shit out of me. I was so scared of losing you, to realize you wouldn’t want me anymore, that I didn’t want to consider anything else.” He paused and took a deep breath. “I never should have hired you. I knew there was something between us that first day, that first minute, we met. I should have thanked you for your time, and before you left, I should have asked you for your number and asked you out to dinner.”

I’d known it would be difficult to hold tears at bay, but it was impossible after what he’d just said. It was shocking and honest, and if there was going to be any part of us that healed permanently, I’d need to be as truthful. Funny thing was, I believed I had already been honest with myself, convinced with the new job and moving out, that I was almost over him. After tonight, I knew nothing was further from the truth. Lying to myself was so much worse than lying to him or anyone else. It was time to lay it all out on the table.

“Can we agree,” I choked through tears, “we were both wrong? I mean, there’s no way to get past all the bullshit without each of us admitting things.”

“Yes,” he said. He shifted his body toward me and slid closer, but not close enough to touch me.

“I never felt like I was living, really living, until I was with you, and it scared the shit out of me. Here you were, this amazingly brilliant, beautiful man and then there was me. I never felt I would measure up. I was this young twit who had no business being with you in any real sense…in any real kind of relationship. I didn’t want you to know how freaked out I was, so I went to Abel and told him everything I should have been telling you. How I felt about you and how the pushing and eagerness to get married freaked me out. It all happened too fast and I know I should’ve said so. That is all on me. My voice was lost among all the confusion, and it shouldn’t have been. I’ve had to stand tall for a lot of things in my life, and this was the one time I went silent. I won’t, I can’t, do that ever again.”

“There was too much for anyone to deal with coming into a relationship with me. Delilah, Lexie, my dad, but you handled it all the best you could, better than I did myself.” He stopped and hung his head. “Fuck. I never wanted you to feel, never ever, you weren’t what I wanted, that you didn’t measure up in some way.”

We sat quietly for a while, well, semi-quietly. I was a sniffling, sobbing mess, but in an attempt to try and hide it, I was snorting up the most disgusting sound imaginable. It was as if we were comforting each other, understanding, without touching.

It was a first for us.

“How’s Delilah?” I asked.

The corners of his mouth lifted up into a smile, the same familiar smile he always had when he heard his daughter’s name. “She misses you. The phone calls and pancakes help. Thank you for that, by the way.”

“I’ve enjoyed doing it. I miss her a lot, too.”

“Well, that leads me to the biggest apology I have to make to you,” he said sadly. I saw tears pool in his eyes, and it was enough to make me start sobbing all over again. “Making you leave the way I did, so abruptly, without discussion and especially without letting you see Delilah, is the most reprehensible thing I’ve ever done in my life.”

I drew in a sharp breath, both from remembering all the pain his actions caused me and also from how much he had been beating himself up over it. I wasn’t ready to just say, “Oh…it’s all right. I understand,” because I didn’t. If we were talking about true honesty, I wasn’t going to appease him to make him feel better, no matter how horrible he felt.

He didn’t wait for me to make him feel better, though.

“I know she’s told you, but she started ballet lessons,” he said. “It’s the most adorable thing ever. She gets such a serious look of concentration, and she tries so hard, but coordination is really not her thing.”

“So cute,” I replied, wiping my nose on my blanket.

“It is.” His eyes were thoughtful and he bit down on his lower lip. “Would you like to, maybe, come see her dance, with me, or you can meet me at the studio?”

“Well, I think…”

“I mean, you can think about it and let me know. You can call or e-mail or whatever. It’s not like you have to decide right now because I know there are a lot of things to consider, and after this evening, I wouldn’t blame you if you couldn’t or wouldn’t.”

“Yes, I would like to go. I’d love to see her,” I answered.

He breathed a sigh of relief and inched himself closer to me once again, close enough for our legs to be bumping. I looked down at where we were touching, feeling the same heat and energy I always had whenever he was close. It made me want more, to feel more of him, to remember how good it used to be, but for the first time, I thought with my head and not my heart. Or my lady parts.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

I nodded. “I’m okay. Just so much to think about.”

“I get that.”

I was scared to go where I was about to go, but he had to know how I felt. If there was any hope at all, he had to understand. If he didn’t, then I’d walk away knowing I was honest and true to myself.

“I’m not ready to be with you again, Aaron. I’m not sure I ever will be,” I said.

“I understand,” he replied. He frowned. “I know the damage is done.”

“I wasn’t done with what I was saying.”

“Oh, sorry. Go ahead.”

“I’m not sure what the future holds. I’m about to start a whole new life. Graduation, new job, new apartment, and for the first time, I’m going to be standing on my own.” I stopped briefly to choose my next words carefully. “I’m not sure how the real us would be together. We’ve been putting up a facade for so long…”

“Callie, please,” he pleaded. “This is…painful…I get it. It’s too late. I get…”

“Can you shut up for a second and let me finish?” I snapped. It was time for me to be me.

“Sorry,” he said, embarrassed.

I raised my eyebrows to let him know I was serious about him letting me finish my thoughts. “I can’t forget about the past and I have no idea what will happen in the future, but what I do know is what I felt for you wasn’t my imagination. I felt real emotions and real pain, and I did not imagine it. I’d be stupid to deny that because, while I might be a total bubble brain about some shit, I know what is between you and me doesn’t happen every day. So, I want to know you. The real you, and I want you to know the real me.”

He had the slightest hint of a smile. “Really?”

“Yeah, really.”

He reached out to me, but stopped short of hugging me. “Can I?” he asked.

Remembering my downfalls—his touch, his smell—and how I usually lost control of any sense being close to those things, I was apprehensive. However, if it was time to start new, baby steps were going to have to be made.

“Yes,” I replied softly.

He smiled before wrapping his arms around my waist and bringing me into him. A breath of relief, or maybe optimism, left his lips and warmed the side of my neck. I settled into his body, laying my head on his shoulder and just let him…hold me. All questions wouldn’t be answered in one night, all wrongs not made right, but in that moment, it was the start of something new.

He rested his forehead against mine and we sat, quiet and still…until the front door slammed.

And the screaming started.

“What the fuck is he doing here?” Evelyn yelled.

Aaron and I pulled away from each other quickly, like two teenagers caught making out by our parents. Evelyn pounded into the living room, standing before us with her hands on her hips.

“Are you going to say anything?” she repeated. “What the hell is going on?”

Aaron stood up, nervously running his hands through his hair. He turned his body toward Evelyn. “I love her.”

“Yeah, right. Why are you here in the first place?” Evelyn said. She whipped her head around and directed her rage at me. “Cal?”

“He stopped by to drop something off Delilah made for me, and we started to talk and stuff,” I replied.

“What?” she shouted. “How could you let that asshole into the front door after what he did to you?”

“I think it best I leave you two to talk about it on your own for now. Evelyn, I have no idea what you must think of me. When things calm down, I’d like the chance to explain,” Aaron said, standing. “I’ll talk to you later, Callie.”

“You’ll what?” Evelyn said. “Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me. You’re going to let him walk back into your life after all these months?”

I stood up to face her. “Evelyn,” I said as calmly as I could. “I love you. I couldn’t have gotten through these last months without you, but for right now, I need to sort this out on my own. I need to sort through it all with him. We can talk about this after he leaves.”

“Why don’t you want to talk about it now?” she said. “You don’t want him to know the truth?”

“He knows the truth, Evelyn,” I replied, anger bringing tears to my eyes again.

“Well, great,” she said. She plopped herself down on the couch and folded her arms. “So he knows how I was sick with worry after he threw you out like trash? Does he also know you missed weeks of school and almost fucked up graduating because you were so devastated? Does he know you had to grovel to your creep of an ex-boss for your job back? Did you tell him—”

“Enough!” I screamed. “I’m sick of it. What I do or who I do…”

“You DID him?” Evelyn asked.

“Shit,” Aaron said under his breath.

“Aaron, you don’t have to answer that,” I shouted. “It’s none of her business. Why don’t you go ahead and go home? I’ll talk to you later.”

“You did!” Evelyn said. “You slept with him?”

I sighed loudly. “Would you excuse Aaron and me for a minute?” I didn’t wait for her to answer before I crossed the room and followed Aaron out the door. Once we were in the hallway, we looked at each other, both horrified at the reaction we’d gotten.

“I’ll talk to her and she’ll chill out,” I explained. “She’s…well, I put her through a lot.”

“It’s understandable and deserving.” He grabbed me around the waist again and hugged me tightly. “I’m so sorry, Callie. I promise you’ll trust me again.” He whispered into the top of my hair.

“Me, too.”

And though that’s how the night ended, it’s also how the new start of us began.

*  *  *

I’d be lying if I said the two months between the night Aaron showed up at my doorstep and my graduation was easy. It wasn’t easy at all, but it was the most comfortable and content I’d ever felt in my entire life. Shortly before I graduated, I moved out of the apartment I shared with Evelyn, partially to be closer to my new job, but more importantly, because I could. I’d saved for months to be able to do it, and once school started, I’d be doing just fine. For the first time ever, something was mine, and I didn’t have to lean on anyone else to help me. It was freeing and cathartic. I felt like I did as a child, running and running, but never being out of breath. I could breathe so deeply, so satisfying now, I never realized how long I had been holding it.

With moving, finishing school, and starting a new job, things were frantic, but somehow I made time to start dating again. Someone new. He looked the same as he always had, but Aaron was new to me all over again. When he showed up for our “first” date, he was nervous and awkward, standing in my doorway with a bouquet of wildflowers. We went to dinner and to a movie that he let me choose. He walked me to the door and gave me a quick peck of a kiss.

He left me with butterflies…

And searching through packed boxes for Trix.

We went out again the following week and twice the week after.

I met up with him and Delilah at the zoo one day and had been to her ballet practice twice.

On our fifth date, we made out in his car for forty-five minutes, and I let him go to third base.

He told me in painful detail about his relationship with Lexie and how the aftermath of her leaving affected him. In kind, I explained to him more about me, about how my father’s death impacted my life daily.

It was strange and unconventional and made no sense to anyone but us what we were doing. Giving the term starting over a very true meaning.

If I hadn’t known him before, I would fall in love with him. Instead, I was falling in love with him all over again.

When I graduated, he was there, along with Evelyn and Abel. I wore my earrings Aaron had given me to the ceremony, and later that evening, when we were all having a celebratory dinner together, Aaron caught me staring into the mirrored wall next to us.

Evelyn was giving Abel a dirty look. “Really? That’s your pickup line? A goldfish has more game than you,” she said.

“Feisty,” he said, nodding his head. “I like that.”

I laughed before I turned my attention to Delilah. Her precious face smeared with chocolate cake, talking animatedly with our server and giggling.

I gazed at Aaron and now I knew, with all my heart, we were in the right place. We may have messed up, taken detours, but we were on the right track and where we should be.

His fingers brushed against my neck. “What are you staring at?” he whispered in my ear.

I repeated the words he once said to me. “My future. My future is in that mirror.”