Jennifer and Izzy stepped into the small neonatal room an hour later. They had gone back to Jennifer’s so she could change into something more comfortable, and she now felt more like herself, as though shedding her suit had helped shed some of the gloom still hanging over her. Getting her life back on track would take more than a change of clothes, but it was a start.
Jennifer glanced around the room at the other incubators and the medical equipment surrounding them. For a second her heart clenched as she remembered at how close she was to losing Emily. She thanked God for the millionth time since Emily’s birth that she was lucky enough to still have her.
Her gaze zeroed in on the only adult in the room, and her breath left her in a giant whoosh when she realised it was Riley. She was standing next to the incubator, one hand through the hole in the side stroking Emily’s tiny head. Emily had been born three weeks early, and the stress of the birth had weakened her some. She had made great progress over the last week, though, and soon Jennifer would be able to take her home.
As if sensing her presence, Riley glanced up, and her eyes went wide when she saw Jennifer. “Jenny? I thought you would still be at the wake.”
Yeah, I bet you did. “So, you thought you would sneak in when you knew I wouldn’t be here?” The nurses had told her that Riley had come to see Emily a few times, and since Riley wasn’t family, Jennifer had had to give her consent for that. Jennifer had hoped she would see her here, as Riley hadn’t answered any attempts to contact her. Still, it pissed her off that she was here on today of all days.
Before Riley could reply, Izzy said, “Hi. I’m not sure if you remember me. I’m Izzy, Jennifer’s aunt.”
“Of course I remember you. It’s nice to see you again.”
“You too. Although I must say you’ve grown a lot since I saw you last.” She must have known that Jennifer wanted to talk to Riley, as she continued with “Well, I’m going to go find some coffee. Give you two a moment to talk.”
Jennifer watched her leave, then went to the incubator, where she stood on the opposite side to Riley. Other than the sounds of machines beeping and babies cooing, the room was quiet at this time of evening. She put her hand through the hole on her side of the incubator and took Emily’s little fist in her fingers. Without looking at Riley she asked, “Where have you been, Riley?”
“Around.”
Jennifer’s head shot up and she glared at her. Riley’s tone had been so flippant, as though what they had shared didn’t mean anything to her, as though Kelsey’s death hadn’t ripped open both their hearts. “What kind of answer is that? You’ve ignored my calls. You haven’t been at home.”
“I have been home. I just didn’t answer the door when you came by.”
“You were watching for me? So you have been avoiding me.”
“I needed to be by myself, you know, to process everything.”
“And what about me?” she whispered fiercely. “Have you thought about me at all?”
“I think about you all the time.”
The low, husky tone of her voice sent a shiver up Jennifer’s spine. No matter how angry Jennifer was, Riley could still turn her on. Determined not to let Riley affect her, she said, “Really? Because I think all you think about is yourself. I lost my sister, for God’s sake, and I needed you, but you were gone.”
“I’m sorry. I miss her so much.”
Riley’s voice was filled with anguish. Jennifer had known this would be just as hard for her as it was for herself, but she’d still hoped they would face this pain together. “Me too. We could have helped each other, been together.”
“I thought you wouldn’t want that, after what you said.”
Riley hadn’t looked at her since Jennifer had noticed her, and the dismissal wounded Jennifer. She could see the tremor in Riley’s body, and her pulse beating wildly in her neck. She appeared as if she was barely holding on. Jennifer could see her eyes glistening with unshed tears, and her skin had lost its usually tan complexion. Jennifer needed to apologise for what she said in the hospital when she’d called the most magical moment in her life disgusting.
“I’m sorry. I was upset. I was worried about Kelsey. You must have realised I was just lashing out.” Riley glanced at her, then looked back down at Emily. “But you didn’t, did you? You thought I was serious.” Of course she had. When had Jennifer ever said anything to her that wasn’t spiteful? No, that wasn’t right. They had connected over the last few months and were building something together. They had made love and it had been amazing. How could Riley think anything she’d said in that damn doctor’s office meant anything?
“I don’t exactly have a good track record,” Riley murmured.
“No, I guess not, but I thought we were different, that maybe we were heading somewhere.”
“We still can, if you can forgive me for disappearing on you.”
“I do forgive you, but right now probably isn’t the best time to be getting into anything.” As much as she wanted, needed Riley, Jennifer couldn’t give a relationship with her, her full attention. “I spoke with Mike at the wake. He doesn’t want anything to do with Emily. He’s given me the green light to adopt her. She’ll be coming home next week with me and I’ll need to concentrate on raising her and trying to fit work and studying in as well. Things are going to be difficult for me for a while, so dating isn’t something I can think about now.”
Riley straightened, shoving her hands into her jeans pockets. “How many more times are you going to put your life on hold? You can’t keep waiting for the right time; it’ll never happen. Things will always get in the way.”
Jennifer squared her shoulders. Pointing to Emily she said, “Emily will never be in the way, and she needs me. She can’t wait, but my sex life can.”
“I wasn’t talking about sex. I was talking about a life together, a family.”
“You can’t be serious?” She let out a bark of laughter, disturbing a couple of babies, who let it be known they weren’t happy being woken up. She lowered her voice. “It was only a few weeks ago you were out clubbing all the time. You’re only twenty-seven. You should keep on enjoying yourself, having fun.”
“I don’t want that anymore. I want you.”
She seemed sincere enough, and just for a moment Jennifer let herself dream of a future of them all together, as a family. It was a nice fantasy, but the reality was Riley wasn’t ready to settle down, no matter what she said. And Jennifer wasn’t about to let her get tied down with a wife and baby. She had been through this with Kelsey; she could do it again. On my own, the way it always is.
“I’m sorry. I can’t. You can come and see Emily whenever you like, and I hope we can be friends, but I can’t give you anything more than that.”
Izzy came back into the room. “I found a coffee machine, but it was broken.” Her gaze flicked between them. Clearly she sensed the tension in the room. “Everything okay in here?”
“Yeah, I was just leaving.”
“You don’t need to go yet.”
“Yes, yes, I do. Izzy, it was nice to see you again.” Riley turned and practically sprinted to the door, tears on her cheeks.
“What’s going on?” Izzy asked after Riley had left.
Jennifer ran her fingers through her hair, frustrated. She had hurt her, again. “Riley and I kind of had a thing.”
“A thing?” Izzy’s eyebrows rose in confusion.
“Yeah.”
“What does that mean? Oh, you mean an intimate thing?”
“Yes.”
“I didn’t know you were gay.”
“I didn’t either.” She assumed she would be embarrassed admitting she had a sexual relationship with a woman, but she wasn’t. What they’d had together was nothing to be ashamed of. Jennifer was too long in the tooth to worry what others thought of her. “Riley was the first woman I have been attracted to. But it felt right. We were together the night Kelsey collapsed.”
“And knowing you like I do, you probably blamed yourself.”
“Yeah, and I took it out on Riley.”
“Which is why you haven’t seen her all week.” Sometimes Izzy was too good at reading people.
“I apologised, and I think we’ve cleared the air, but she wants more than what I can give her at the moment.”
She felt Izzy’s stare, but she refused to look at her, afraid of what Izzy would see. “Are you using Emily as an excuse because you’re scared of having a relationship with Riley?”
Yep, Izzy sees everything. “I freely admit these feelings are new to me, and if Kelsey hadn’t have died, who knows. But right now, Emily has to be my focus.” She concentrated hard on schooling her features, hoping Izzy would believe her, because Izzy was right: she was afraid of a relationship with Riley. Too much was at stake, and her heart was only one of those things.
†
“Are you sure you don’t mind me sleeping in Kelsey’s room?” Izzy asked later that night.
They had stayed at the neonatal unit for an hour, spending time with Emily and catching up on their lives. Jennifer had talked about Kelsey a lot, about all the trouble she got into with Riley by her side. She couldn’t help but laugh about it all now. At the time she had been angry, as any parent would, but in the end, their behavior was just kids being kids. Thinking back to all the times Riley had tormented her made her smile. She was such a little terror but had grown into an amazingly strong woman. Jennifer desperately wanted to see her. Riley had been through so much in the last few months. Her dad and Kelsey dying, finding out she had a brother, and reconnecting with her mother. Jennifer had so much she wanted to talk to her about, but she couldn’t, because Riley was avoiding her.
“No, of course not. She wouldn’t want her old auntie sleeping on the sofa.” She ducked as Izzy threw a cushion at her.
“Brat.” Izzy was forty-seven but still looked thirty. She was fit and healthy and could no doubt whip Jennifer’s ass in any sport. Some days, Jennifer felt frumpy, old before her time. Only when Riley looked at her in that smouldering way did she feel desired, sexy. And we’re back to thinking about Riley. God, I need to get a grip.
“Seriously, it’s fine. I’ll grab you some clean sheets.”
Jennifer went to the ottoman at the top of the stairs and pulled out a spare set of linens, the smell of washing powder making her take a deep sniff. She loved clean sheets. She headed back downstairs and tossed them to Izzy, who just managed to grab them before they fell to the floor. “Here you go.”
“Thanks. I’ll go do this and then I’ll see if I can get a hold of Jeff. He should be awake by now.”
“Would you like some wine?” she asked as Izzy climbed the stairs. “I thought we could order a pizza or something.”
“That would be great. See you in a minute.”
Jennifer went into the kitchen and took glasses from the cabinet. She opened the wine and poured a generous amount in each. She took a large gulp as she fished out the local pizza menu from a drawer.
“Um, Jen?”
She turned around, finding Izzy stood in the kitchen holding a pink envelope in her hands. “Yeah?”
“I found something you might want to look at.”
“What is it?”
“It was under the mattress. It’s a letter addressed to you.” She passed the envelope to her; she recognised Kelsey’s handwriting. Jennifer’s hand shook as she took it.
“Oh. Thanks.”
They took their wine and sat on the sofa, thoughts of pizza now gone. After a nod of encouragement from Izzy, and another gulp of wine, Jennifer slid her finger along the opening of the envelope and pulled out the single sheet of paper. She read the letter silently, tears filling her eyes.
Jen, if you are reading this, then something bad happened to me. Ever since I found out about my heart valve, I had this terrible feeling I wouldn’t live long enough to raise my baby. I guess I was right. I have included the contact details for my solicitor, who has my will. I pray with my whole heart that my baby is safe and healthy, and if that is true, my wishes are that she remains with you, but please let Mike be a father to him or her. We know how it is to grow up without a dad and I don’t want that for my baby. I also need you to promise you’ll take care of Riley. She loves you so much, and if you listen to your heart, you know you love her too. She deserves to be happy and so do you. I’m sorry I’m leaving you literally holding the baby, but there is no one else on this earth who I trust to raise her and love her the way you can. I know you’ll be a great mother to my baby as you were the best mum to me.
Hopefully I’ll be able to tear this letter up and you will never know what it contains. If you are reading it, you are either snooping in my room or the worst has happened. Please take care of my baby if she is with you.
All my love,
Kels
After she finished reading, she passed the letter to Izzy. As Izzy read, Jennifer tried to compose herself. She couldn’t understand why Kelsey wouldn’t tell her about her concerns. Why wouldn’t she see her doctor if she was worried? But she had, they’d told her everything was fine and just to stay on bedrest and look after herself. Still, she must have been concerned enough to write the letter and see her solicitor.
She must have been so upset writing this. Jennifer was more resolved than ever now to keep Emily, knowing that’s what Kelsey wanted.
“Oh, Jen,” Izzy said as she wiped tears from her own eyes.
“She’s right. She hadn’t looked well for months, but we all assumed her temporary valve fix was good. Her pre-eclampsia must have made everything worse.”
“At least Emily is okay.”
“Yes, but what am I going to do without Kelsey?” She broke down, gut wrenching sobs tearing from her.
“Come here, sweetheart.” Izzy gathered her in her arms and held her while she exorcized her grief. After a while Jennifer pulled back, wiping the remaining tears from her cheeks.
“There was another letter with yours,” Izzy continued. “Addressed to Riley.”
Jennifer wasn’t surprised. Kelsey and Riley were closer than sisters, so it made sense she would have written a letter to Riley as well. “I’ll have to post it to her as she doesn’t want to see me.”
“That’s a little bit cruel, isn’t it?” Izzy said carefully. “If her letter is anything like yours, she’ll probably want someone with her when she reads it.”
“I don’t suppose you want to do it for me?” she asked hopefully.
“Not a chance.”
She glanced at the clock. “It’s after ten. Do you think she’ll let me in?”
“Only one way to find out.”
Jennifer hoped she would. Although, judging by the way Riley had taken great lengths to avoid her over the last week, she doubted it.