Jennifer stood in the doorway to Kelsey’s room, holding Emily close to her chest. She hadn’t been in here once in the six weeks since Kelsey’s death and the thought of going in terrified her. Izzy was the only person who had been inside, and that was only to sleep in the bed.
Everything looked the same as it had when Kelsey was last here. Her glasses rested on the bedside table, her dirty clothes still in a pile by the door, and her perfume still lingered in the air.
She looked down at Emily’s sleeping face and whispered, “What do you think, do you think you would like this as your new room? Hmm?” She took a deep breath and stepped inside. Her heart pounded heavily against her ribs as she sat on the edge of the bed. “This was your mummy’s room. She was rather a slob. I hope I can get you to tidy up better than I ever could her.”
Jennifer looked to the bedside table and her gaze fell onto the picture frame that stood there. She smiled. The photo was of Kelsey and Riley in their prom outfits.
Riley. What was she going to do about her? When Riley had come over and given her the trust fund and a cheque for ten thousand pounds, Jennifer was enraged. For a moment, she thought Riley was trying to buy her way into her life. However, she quickly realized that Riley was looking out for her and Emily. Jennifer had wanted to turn her down, not wanting her helplessness to show, but one look into her compassionate eyes had Jennifer accepting the gifts.
The sad heaviness of being in Kelsey’s room engulfed her, wrapping around her heart and squeezing painfully. She needed to get out of here. Jennifer stood and headed to the box room at the other end of the short hallway. She pushed open the door and looked at all the boxes piled high with her parents’ belongings. After they had died, Jennifer hadn’t changed things in the house. Gradually, though, she had boxed most of her parents’ things and stored them in what was once her old room, as she took over the main bedroom.
She spoke to Emily again. “Or there’s this room if you would prefer. I guess it’s probably time I sorted through all this and got rid of most of it. No point holding on to things for no reason.”
She and Kelsey had avoided looking through any of the boxes for the past fifteen years. They just boxed it all up and shut the door. The thought of going through it all now still brought an ache to her chest, but it would have to be done. There was absolutely no point just letting it fester in there until she herself died. Jennifer didn’t want to leave all this stuff for someone else to clear out one day, and that’s all it was, stuff. She’d keep the photos and her mother’s jewellery, but she didn’t need to hang on to anything else. She pulled the door closed and went to her own room. She settled Emily into her cot, then grabbed her phone off the bed. She checked the time to make sure it wasn’t too late to call, and searched for Riley’s number. Her pulse quickened as she waited for her to answer.
“Hello, Jenny.”
Her voice was husky, and Jennifer wondered if she had been asleep. It was nine at night, but that didn’t mean Riley hadn’t gone to bed early. A stab of jealously wormed its way under her skin as the image of Riley in bed with another woman flashed in her mind. She desperately wanted to ask if she was alone, but knew it was none of her business. She had no claim on Riley and that was her own fault.
“Hi, sorry it’s late.”
“Not a problem. I was just chilling in front of the TV. Are you okay? Everything all right with Emily?”
“Yes, we’re fine. I was wondering if your offer to help with a nursery was still on the table.”
“Of course.”
“Thank you.” She sat on the bed and swung her legs up so she could lie down. “I was thinking about Kelsey’s room for it, but I think it’s too soon. I was hoping maybe you could help me clear out the box room and we can fix it for her.”
“Aren’t your folks’ things in there still?”
“Yes.”
“Are you sure?”
Riley was always so thoughtful. Always thinking of others. Why am I determined to push her away? She’s always here when I need her. Jennifer smiled, thinking how Riley was always here when she didn’t need her too. “Yes, I’m sure. It’s time.”
“Okay. So, it’s just my truck and manual labour you’re after?”
She was undoubtedly joking, but Jennifer detected the underlying tension in her voice. The thought of Riley thinking Jennifer was just using her for her own means terrified her. She closed her eyes and whispered, “I want a lot more than that from you and you know it.”
“Yes, I know,” she said with a hint of regret. They were both silent for a moment, then Riley continued. “I know it’ll be hard for you dealing with all their things. I’m glad you want me with you.”
Jennifer was dismayed to feel tears falling from her eyes and tricking into her ears, then onto the pillow behind her head. “I always want you with me.”
“Please don’t cry, Jenny. You know I’d do anything for you. It kills me I can’t be there with you now, holding you.”
“I know.” And she did know. Riley was in love with her. Why Jennifer couldn’t just grab a hold of her and never let go, she didn’t know. She dreaded the depth of her own feelings for Riley, and the fear of Riley leaving one day nearly crushed her. Jennifer always had to be in control. Ever since her parents died, she had to plan and strategise everything in her life to make sure she and Kelsey stayed together.
She hadn’t planned for Riley.
The unknown forces of the world had a way of shaking up her life and she didn’t like it. She wanted to believe everything would be okay, but she couldn’t risk her heart to Riley. That was too much.
“I don’t know what I would do without you.” She hadn’t realised she said the words until Riley’s voice cut through the line.
“You will never have to find out.”
“Emily’s waking up. I have to go.” That was a lie. Emily was still fast asleep, but Jennifer needed to end the conversation before she said something she would no doubt regret. “If you’re not busy on the weekend, I was thinking we could make a start on clearing some things out of the room.”
“That’s fine. I’ll see you then.”
They hung up and Jennifer curled onto her side as she sobbed quietly, trying not to wake Emily. She had lost her parents, she had lost Kelsey, and now it felt as though she was losing Riley too.
It’s not a loss when you throw it away.
She didn’t know how long she lay there weeping before she heard a key in the back door. She knew who it was. Riley was the only other person who had a key, in case of an emergency.
She sat up and held her breath, waiting.
Footsteps lightly made their way up the stairs, and before she knew it, Riley filled her doorway, wearing a thin T-shit and joggers cut off at the knees.