Chapter 13
Trustee-Beneficiary Meetings

Meetings between a trustee and a beneficiary are business meetings. Treat them as such. Prepare an agenda that is agreed upon ahead of time. Plan sufficient time to move through the agenda comfortably. Hold the meeting in a setting that allows for privacy—which means somewhere other than a restaurant. Schedule social time to follow the completion of business.

Does the prior paragraph sound surprising? It probably should. Much of it is contrary to the typical practice of beneficiary and trustee meetings. The beneficiary may show up with a question or two. But apart from that, the session will likely be little more than a review of the trust's investment performance over lunch, an ample dose of polite small talk, a firm handshake, and then it's farewell until next quarter or even next year.

Premeeting Checklists

Because trustee-beneficiary meetings are serious business, they require prework. Whether you are a trustee or a beneficiary, you have some preparation to do.

For trustees, the premeeting checklist may include:

1. Review the trust instrument, correspondence, trust statement, and other notes.
2. Review the meeting agenda. What are the highest purposes of the upcoming meeting? What would great outcomes look and sound like?
3. Review your internal narratives about the beneficiary, the trust creator, and the upcoming meeting. (For a refresher on narratives, review Chapter 4.) Do these narratives serve both you and the beneficiary well? If not, what can you change to bring your narratives into alignment with the highest purposes of the meeting?
4. Review the beneficiary's distribution request(s), if any. At first glance, does the request appear to enhance, rather than merely subsidize, the beneficiary's life? What questions can I ask the beneficiary that may lead to a deeper conversation, if appropriate?
5. Big questions to reflect on, as appropriate, include:
   • Is the beneficiary self-aware? Does the beneficiary perceive the difference between courage and bullying? Between hubris and humility?
   • Has the beneficiary sought to know his or her calling? If yes, is he or she pursuing it? If no, why not?
   • Has the beneficiary had a mentor in pursuing his or her calling, or in any other area of life? If not, does the beneficiary have the skills to find one?
   • Can this person express compassion for him- or herself and for others? Express gratitude? Express joy and humor?
   • Does the beneficiary take active roles in the larger society?
   • Does the beneficiary have a process for evaluating possible advisers?
   • Does the beneficiary feel and accept reciprocal responsibilities to the family? Does he or she work to instill financial and other knowledge in the next generation of the family?
   • If the beneficiary requires growth in any of these areas, am I equipped, as trustee, to assist the beneficiary?

For the beneficiary, the premeeting checklist may include:

1. Review the trust instrument, correspondence, and other notes.
2. Add new questions to your written “master list” of questions for the trustee. Bring the list with you to the meeting.
3. Review the meeting agenda. Do you have anything to add? What would great outcomes look like? Does this agenda allow for these great outcomes?
4. Review your distribution request(s), if any. How would the request enhance your life? What difference would that make to you?
5. Review your internal narratives about the trustee, the trust creator, and the upcoming meeting. Be very curious as you examine your narratives. Where do they come from? Are they serving you?
6. Review your strengths. How might you play to your strengths to add to the success of the meeting?
7. Reflect upon some of the big questions for beneficiaries found in Chapter 7.

If This Is the First Meeting

The first 45 minutes or so will go a long way toward setting the stage for your relationship. As countless moms have told countless children over the years, you don't get a second chance to make a first impression. Ideally, the meeting has been prepared for with the back and forth of introductory letters of the sort we reviewed in Chapter 11.

After introductions, the first order of business at the meeting is for the trustee to break the ice with a very brief explanation of her role, a word or two about her experience and her approach. Explain the nature of the journey that the two of you are embarking on together. Pause for questions.

Next, ask gentle, probing questions designed to help both trustee and beneficiary surface and understand the beneficiary's (mis)perceptions, anxieties, expectations, and so on. Maybe try out some version of this speech:

I never knew your grandfather, the trust creator. But if I had to guess, he probably would want your trust managed in a way that enhances your life, not simply subsidizes it. So I hope to get to know you well over time. But first, I'd love to know—what kinds of things are on your mind? What puzzles you about your trust? How about if you start by telling me what you think you know about trusts, generally, and about your trust in particular. That way, I can clear up any misconceptions. Then we'll build upon what you already know.…

Then address gaps in the beneficiary's understanding by supplying solid knowledge. Keep in mind that, although you may be well-acquainted with trusts, it may be unfamiliar territory for a newly-minted beneficiary. The beneficiary may be a competent adult who simply lacks facts.

Imagine being presented with a trust agreement that seems opaque. Add to that a barely-comprehensible process involving inherited money that appears to be “so near yet so far.” Overlay all of this with emotion.

Here's what that may look like:

• A distraught widow, mere days after losing her husband, is shocked to learn that her financial resources will be held in trust as a result of her late husband's tax planning. The bank, as the trustee, is therefore an unexpected, and unwelcome, intrusion into her life.
• A forty-something beneficiary says: “I've been living on checks from trusts my whole life without questioning where they come from or when they will end. I'm now doing my own estate planning and thinking about my children. I have no idea how the trusts that were set up for me will affect them. And so it's time for me to grow up, and really understand my trusts.
• A successful professional in her thirties plans to bring her attorney to her first meeting with her trustees. Why? From her perspective, the trustees were an extension of her grandfather. She says: “My grandfather was a very controlling person. So was my father before he passed away. My trustees work for the family business. This feels like more of the same. I want my attorney there to balance the power.”

The adviser to this latter beneficiary describes their first meeting:

For the better part of an hour, we talked about the language of the trust. Turns out that some of what she interpreted as being controlling was necessary to preserve the trust's integrity against potential challenges by her creditors: If she had been given too much authority, it could be pierced. As we talked about her assumptions, expectations and fears, she became somewhat less frustrated. The context was widening and becoming less dependent on personalities. As she gained understanding, her spirits began to lift. She no longer felt the need to bring her attorney to compensate for her feelings of powerlessness. With prompting, she talked about her gratitude for what the trust would make possible.

Only when the anxieties are reduced, and a vision for the relationship has begun to take shape, should you proceed to discuss nuts and bolts.

And our advice to new beneficiaries? Achieving trust literacy, like any branch of learning, is going to take effort. Not just study, but a rising level of awareness. You have more options than you now think. Put in the time to learn what they are.

A Sampling of Agenda Items

Toward the beginning of the meeting:

1. “What do we hope to accomplish today? What has to happen today for us to agree that this meeting was successful?” The answers don't have to be profound. Some meetings are anticipated to be little more than transactional. Perhaps the beneficiary has asked to drop by to check on the particulars of an upcoming income distribution. Nevertheless, it's good practice to ask if there's something more on the beneficiary's mind.
2. “Does the agenda look about right? Any additions or subtractions?”
3. Any significant changes in the beneficiary's life since the last meeting? Births, deaths, marriage or divorce, or new job. If so, what are the implications?
4. If to-dos were agreed upon at the last meeting, what's their status? Whatever the status, what can be learned?

Annual review:

1. What are the beneficiary's hopes, challenges, and opportunities for the coming year? Look at both big picture and specific items.
2. What are some hopes, challenges, and opportunities in the coming year for the trustee in her role as trustee?
3. Looking at the relationship, what's working well? What could stand some improvement?
4. What is the beneficiary's assessment of the trustee's performance of her roles and responsibilities to the trust and to the beneficiary?
5. What is the trustee's assessment of the beneficiary's performance of his roles and responsibilities?
6. Areas of dispute, if any: What are they? Can we resolve our differences today? If not, what are the next steps for us to take?

Technical matters:

1. Review of the trust statement, tax returns, and other “quantitative” items.

Discussions related to distributions (for more on distributions, see chapter 14):

1. Any new requests?
2. Any past requests that are still pending?
3. Any future request that we should be thinking about?

Closing items:

1. What else do we need to address before wrapping up?
2. Agree upon to-dos going forward.
3. Closing query: Did we accomplish what we hoped? What worked well? What did we learn that will be of use going forward?

An “Appreciative” Exercise

Sometimes your meetings with your trustee or beneficiary take on an especially deep level of engagement. This might be part of the agreed-upon agenda, or a sudden and new level of connection can happen on its own. The outcomes of this sort of meeting are almost always valuable to each of you. Take time during the next week or so to reflect upon as many—or as few—of the following questions as you like.

Perhaps you may wish to use both the questions and your answers as the starting point for a conversation at your next meeting.1

1. Think of a time when you participated in a great meeting with your trustee or beneficiary where you both were collaborating especially well. What was the situation? What was the driving force behind the success of this meeting? What were the conditions that promoted this? Specifically, what role did you, your counterpart, the physical environment, and/or the work of the meeting itself play? How did your role unleash your capacities? How did your role unleash your counterpart's capacities?
2. Think of your most recent meeting with your trustee or beneficiary. How would you rate the meeting, on a scale of 1 to 5, with 5 being the highest, in terms of engagement? What was going on that caused you to rate the meeting as high as you did (even if you chose a “low” number)? What must that meeting have looked like for you to increase your rating by 1? Who did what? With what effect?
3. Reflecting on these and other experiences, what are the core qualities and practices that bring out the best in your meetings with your trustee or beneficiary? What do you think you do well and should continue doing or do more of? What do you think your counterpart does well and should continue doing or do more of?

Mission accomplished. You did what you set out to do: comfortably worked through the “business” agenda—while at the same expanding your relationship as you learned from one another.

Now it's time to head out to your favorite restaurant for a well-deserved lunch.

Note

1. “These questions are adapted from a “solution-focused” of “brief” approach to therapy and coaching. See, for example, Berg and Szabo, Brief Coaching for Lasting Solutions. W.W. Norton & Company (2005).”