Chapter 11
Meditation practice isn’t about trying to throw ourselves away and become something better. It’s about befriending who we are already.
Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön (1996, 3)
Is school exceedingly stressful for you? Do you experience a lot of pressure from your teachers, from your family, or from yourself? If so, you already have the tool you need! More and more, teachers and students are discovering the power of mindfulness. Mindfulness is already practiced in the classroom and after school at hundreds of schools throughout the world. It helps both students and teachers handle stress, get along and communicate better, and pay attention and perform better in the classroom. You might not think of your school as a place to practice mindfulness. But, if you practice creatively, you might discover many ways to be mindful at school and to free yourself from unnecessary stress.
Melissa’s Story
Melissa had been missing a lot of school, about two or three days every week, because of stress. “I sit in class, and then I start getting freaked out,” she said. “I start panicking, and my stomach starts hurting. Then I have to get up and leave the classroom.” Most of the time, she would go home. The more school she had missed, the more she had fallen behind in her classes, and the more she had gotten stressed out. It was starting to get so bad that some days she had been too stressed out to even go to school. She also had started to miss volleyball practice and even games, which made her more stressed out, because she loved volleyball so much, and because playing sports helped her manage stress.
After about four weeks of learning and practicing meditation in the mindfulness course, Melissa made a remarkable discovery. She said, “I was sitting in class, and I started freaking out again. But this time, I remembered that there was something that I could do. Instead of freaking out and leaving, I remembered that I could just try breathing.” She practiced a sitting meditation for three minutes, right there in the school classroom. She didn’t tell anyone that this was what she was doing—she simply practiced following her breath, breathing from her belly, and returning to the present moment every time a wave of stress came over her. “That was the first time in a really long time that I didn’t get up and leave,” she said proudly. She had stayed in school for the rest of the day.
By the end of the eight-week mindfulness course, Melissa shared, “I haven’t missed school in the last four weeks. Every time I started to freak out, I knew I could do something. I knew I could just meditate.”
Have you ever sat down to do your homework, only to find that you just could not concentrate or focus? Have you ever sat down for an exam and gotten so stressed that you couldn’t remember a single thing, even though you had studied and prepared? Or maybe you got lost in thoughts and stories about the future or about the past. For example, I’m going to fail this test. I’m going to fail this class. What if I don’t get into college? Or I should have studied more. What’s wrong with me?
When your mind goes blank or gets pulled away from the present moment by a stressful train of thought, that is a sure sign that your old friend, your lizard brain, is getting activated. Remember, your lizard brain isn’t designed to learn algebra or remember who won the War of 1812—it’s designed to help you survive being attacked by a tiger!
The good news is you can get off of that train and calm your lizard brain. Practice mindfully STOPping (see chapter 7). Just a few mindful breaths can help you come back to the present moment, reengage your human brain, and let go of stress. The SOBER Breathing Space (also from chapter 7) is another short, practical tool that can help you be at your best at school.
Teen Voices: Nicole T.
“[One day, r]ight before a test, I was really stressed out. So I went to the washroom and did a three-minute SOBER Coping Space. That was really helpful. And I actually did better on the test than I would have… The rumination of I’m going to fail; I’m going to do really badly on this test; they’re going to judge me for doing really badly on this test; I’m not ready… It all kind of slowed down, and I was able to look at it in a more reasonable kind of way. The breathing really helped. I got a lot calmer… I was able to get through the questions and not stress out about every little thing that could go wrong.”
Try This! The SOBER Breathing Space for School Stress
The next time you sit down to take a test, to study, or to do homework, practice the SOBER Breathing Space (as outlined below) before you start.
You can practice informal mindfulness throughout your day at school, as often as you want. It might seem weird at first to be mindful at school. But, you don’t have to announce out loud, “I’m practicing mindfulness right now!” Just bringing kindhearted awareness to certain moments throughout your school day, quietly and to yourself, is enough.
Try This! Walking Meditation at School
The next time you walk from one classroom to another, turn it into a walking meditation. Take three or four steps with every in-breath and every out-breath. Bring your awareness to each step and each breath. Notice your surroundings—the sounds and sights in the school hallways. If you feel weird, nervous, self-conscious, or worried about what people might be thinking, you can simply bring your awareness to that, too.
Come back to the present moment with every step and with every breath. If you are ruminating about what just happened in your last class or worrying about what might happen in your next class, simply notice that and let it go. As best you can, just be present with each step and each moment as you make your way to the next classroom.See whether practicing mindfulness in this way helps you arrive at the next classroom feeling less stressed, more refreshed, and readier to engage and perform at your best.
Try This! Bells of Mindfulness at School
In chapter 7, you learned how to find bells of mindfulness in your environment. It turns out that schools are full of mindfulness bells! Here are a few:
When you hear one of these bells of mindfulness at school, that is an invitation to mindfully STOP: Stop whatever it is that you were doing—for example, stop walking down the hall, close your book, or put your pencil down. Let go of thoughts about the past, let go of stress about the future, and return to the present moment. Enjoy three mindful breaths. Check in with what is happening right now, both inside you and around you. Then, when you are ready, carry on with whatever you were doing, with mindfulness and awareness.
Mindfulness and self-compassion involve letting go: letting go of the need to be perfect and letting go of the fear of mistakes. I learned a lot about letting go of perfectionism by studying and playing jazz piano. Jazz is improvisational—you don’t write out all the notes ahead of time, and you don’t know how a performance will sound until you actually play it. For me, playing jazz is a mindfulness practice—I have to be fully in the moment, with open ears and an open heart. When I’m improvising with other musicians, I can’t think about the past or the future, or else I’ll miss what is happening in the moment.
When I first started learning to play jazz, I was very afraid of making mistakes. I was scared of what my teachers, or the other musicians, might think of me. I wanted everything I played to be perfect. Eventually, though, I came to find that my perfectionism took the life, beauty, and meaning out of the music.
As a teenager, you might be feeling a lot of pressure from your parents, your teachers, your principal, and your coaches. They might be telling you that you have to be perfect all the time—that you’re not allowed to make mistakes. You have to get straight A’s, be the top athlete, be the best at your extracurricular activities, and be the perfect son, daughter, sister, or brother.
But it is impossible to never make mistakes, and it is impossible to be good at everything. The pursuit of perfection can cause a lot of stress. Believing that you must never make mistakes will make you afraid to try anything new or different, which will limit how much you can learn and grow. The critical voice in your head will keep you mired in self-doubt. Ironically, trying to be perfect actually gets in the way of being successful and reaching your full potential!
Of course, you should always do your best. But, when mistakes happen, as they inevitably will, it’s important that you tap into your inner resilience. Resilience is about welcoming your mistakes, learning from them, forgiving yourself, and bouncing back. Making mistakes can help you be more creative, be more productive, and figure out things you never would learn otherwise.
From the point of view of a jazz musician, there is no such thing as a mistake. In a 2010 interview, legendary jazz pianist Herbie Hancock described how he learned this lesson as a young musician just starting out, while playing a concert with Miles Davis’s band: “We had the audience in the palm of our hands. And right as everything was really peaking, and Miles was soloing, I played this chord, and it was completely wrong!
“And Miles took a breath and then played some notes, and the notes made my chord right… Somehow, what he chose to play fit my chords to the structure of the music. What I learned from that is that Miles didn’t hear the chord as being wrong. He just heard it as something new that happened. So, he didn’t judge it. I learned the importance of being nonjudgmental, taking what happens and trying to make it work. That’s something you should apply to life, too.”
Miles Davis is widely quoted as saying, “Do not fear mistakes: there are none.” Every “mistake” is an opportunity to listen deeply and respond creatively. With self-compassion and loving-kindness, you can accept your mistakes and forgive yourself. You don’t need to try to be perfect or to “do everything.” If you chase after goals every second of every day, you’ll never be happy. Happiness is possible only when you stop chasing and cherish the present moment just as it is. Cherish yourself just as you are. You are already a wonder.
Try This! Handling Perfectionism with Mindfulness
The pressure to be perfect comes in many voices. It can be a self-critical voice, saying I’m not good enough, or I’m not smart enough. Or it can be a voice of fear, asking What if I mess up? or What if I don’t do well enough on this test?
What does the voice of perfectionism sound like for you? The next time you hear the voice of perfectionism in your mind, just notice it. You don’t need to fight it. As best you can, simply allow it to be there, with a sense of curiosity and kindness. Recognize it, and breathe with it. Embrace it, with mindfulness. You can say to yourself, Breathing in, I recognize my perfectionist voice. Breathing out, I smile. You can imagine the voice of perfectionism as an old and familiar friend and perhaps make peace with it. Hello, my little perfectionist voice. I recognize you. I’m not going to fight you. I know you are there right now, and I will take good care of you. Then, observe carefully how that inner voice feels in your body. Stay with that sensation, continuing to breathe with it mindfully.When you can befriend your perfectionist voice with loving-kindness and compassion, it will begin to lose its power over you. You will start to be free of the stress that it can cause.
Teen Voices: Jane
“I think that every school should have a mindfulness club. We stress so much at school, it would be really helpful.”
With the practices of mindful walking, STOPping, the SOBER Breathing Space, and informal mindfulness, the classroom or the school hallway can become your meditation hall. Through awareness and self-compassion, you will begin to gain power over your school stress and your perfectionism. Why not start freeing yourself from school stress by experimenting with one short mindfulness practice at school every day for the next week? As your confidence grows, try practicing mindfulness in more situations throughout your school day.