Chapter 13
Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.
thirteenth-century poet Jalal ad-Din ar-Rumi
Conflict with other teens, such as arguments, bullying, and peer pressure, can be a huge source of stress in your life. It can make you angry, anxious, and afraid. If you don’t know how to handle it, you can end up saying or doing things that you don’t want to do.
Mindfulness can help you handle stressful situations like these. Instead of reacting out of frustration or fear and possibly making things worse, you can stop and take care of your own emotions. Then, you can make a mindful choice to handle the situation in a way that is better both for you and for those around you.
Emily’s Story
Emily shared that she experienced stress at school, with other teens in her grade. She had been getting into a lot of arguments, including with her best friend. “There’s always so much drama with my friends,” she told us. “They’re always saying stupid stuff!”
During the fourth week of the mindfulness course, Emily learned the art of mindful communication—mindful listening and compassionate speech. The following week, she told us that she hadn’t had to wait very long for an opportunity to practice mindful communication in a stressful situation. During a conversation with her friend, who was talking about how upset she was about a recent argument with another one of their friends, Emily had started to feel irritated. But, because of her mindfulness, she noticed right away that she was getting stressed out. She noticed the urge to argue with her friend. Instead of acting on that urge, she remembered to practice mindfully STOPping because, as she said, “I had been doing the practice so often that it was stuck in my mind.”
Emily practiced just listening, just being with her friend, without saying anything right away. After taking a few mindful breaths, she told her friend, “I’m here to listen, not to argue… I’m just noticing that you’re saying these things, but I’m not taking offense by it.”
I asked Emily what happened next and whether it was any different than how it usually would have been. Emily answered, “This was very different—very, very different! Before, there would have been so much drama, [and] swearing at each other. Then there would have been a big rivalry afterward.” Instead, she had been able to bring mindfulness to that moment with her friend, avoid an argument, and help both of them feel less stressed and more at peace.
Have you ever, in a moment of anger, told someone something that you didn’t really mean? For example, “I hate you,” or “I don’t ever want to talk to you again”? Maybe you didn’t even realize what you were saying at the time. Perhaps you were just reacting without thinking, on autopilot.
How might things have gone differently if your lizard brain hadn’t been in control in that situation? What might have happened differently if you had been more aware of what you were saying in that moment?
In chapter 12, you learned how practicing the art of mindful communication can enhance your friendships, your romantic relationships, and your connection with others in general. Mindful communication can also help you transform a difficult situation or an argument or other conflict. With mindfulness, you will be more in touch with your own inner wisdom, and you’ll know what to say and what not to say to handle the difficulty and reduce the tension.
Try This! STOP and Communicate Mindfully When Things Get Difficult
The next time a friend of yours says or does something that makes you feel stressed or irritated or pressured, instead of reacting right away, practice mindfully STOPping: Don’t say or do anything. Instead, come back “home,” to the present moment. Take three breaths to give yourself a space between your stress and your reaction, an opportunity to find a more skillful response. Observe what is happening inside you. If stress or judgment or irritation is arising, simply recognize it for what it is. For example, say silently to yourself, Stress is arising, or Irritation is present. The simple act of recognizing the feeling and naming it will help calm your lizard brain. Continue to breathe with this awareness. When you feel ready, proceed with mindful communication.
Practice deep listening—just being present with your friend. Your friend might be saying things that are upsetting to you or aren’t completely true. Perhaps you can recognize that the reason your friend is saying these things is because his or her own lizard brain is activated. In other words, your friend might not be thinking things through. If you try to interrupt or correct your friend, he or she may not be able to process what you are saying, and it might just activate his or her lizard brain even more. Maybe you will have a chance to say what’s on your mind later, when things are calmer. But, for now, as best you can, listen just for the sake of listening. Maybe what your friend needs right now, more than anything, is just to feel heard. Try to listen without interrupting and without mentally passing judgment. When stress or irritation starts to arise inside of you, recognize it and breathe with it. As you listen, continue to follow your breath. Focusing on your breath can protect you from becoming overwhelmed by “secondhand stress,” even if your friend’s words are full of blame or judgment. Perhaps your mindful presence will start to rub off on your friend, helping him or her be more mindful also. Remember that mindful communication is also about knowing what not to say. Before you say anything—before you respond or answer a question—check in with yourself: Where are your voice and your words coming from in this moment? Are they coming from stress, judgment, or irritation? Is your own lizard brain activated? In such moments, it might be better to not say anything right away. Instead, just continue to listen and mindfully follow your breath, as best you can. If what you’re about to say comes from a place of calm, ask yourself the following questions. (This common advice, which fits with Buddhist teachings, may come from a poem by Mary Ann Pietzker, published in 1872.)And when you do make a mistake and say something unmindful or hurtful, remember to forgive yourself. Remember that you deserve that kindness just as much as anyone else.
Arguments and fights with other kids can be really stressful. If you get bullied, harassed, or intimidated—at school, at sports practice, or in your neighborhood—the intense stress can quickly lead to anger. There’s nothing wrong with anger, and you have every right to feel angry. But what you do with that anger is important.
The most mindful choice in that kind of situation might be to stop and take care of your anger before trying to deal with whoever made you angry. As Thich Nhat Hanh (2001, 24) put it, if someone just set your house on fire, you might be tempted to chase down and punish the person who started the fire, but in the meantime your house would burn down! A better response would be to put out the fire first.
Anger, like fire, can cause a huge amount of damage to yourself and to other people, if you don’t know how to handle it. If you let your lizard brain take control when you’re angry, you’ll likely make things worse. You might end up getting hurt or hurting someone else. Or you might get in trouble at school, at home, or even with the police. Even when you are angry, you can find a mindful response to a difficult situation.
Elizabeth’s Story
Elizabeth shared how she had been in class at school one day, working on a group project with some other students, when the teacher came over to see how everything was going. One of Elizabeth’s classmates lied to the teacher, telling the teacher how much she had been doing for the project, when, in reality, Elizabeth had been doing most of the work.
“I wanted to kill her! I was so mad!” Elizabeth told us. But, instead of getting into a fight, which would only have made things worse, she left the room and did a breathing meditation. As she meditated, she noticed that she was having all kinds of judgmental thoughts about her classmate. “Like Why [was she] doing that? Why [doesn’t she] take a mindfulness course?! I also kept [imagining] what everyone else thought when I left the room. Was everyone wondering what I was doing?
“I knew I was mad,” said Elizabeth. “I said to myself, Okay, that’s there. But I’m not going to worry about it. Instead, I kept bringing it back to my breath. It was hard. But, it helped. I was able to go back to the room feeling much more calm. And I’m glad I didn’t get into a fight!”
Try This! The SOBER Breathing Space for Anger
The next time someone says or does something that makes you angry, give yourself a chance to respond with mindfulness and wisdom. Remove yourself from the situation, if you can do so safely—for example, step out of the room and into the hallway. Then, practice the SOBER Breathing Space (as outlined below) to come back to yourself and take care of your anger so that you can see the situation clearly and respond wisely. You can do this while standing, sitting, or walking.
Be there for yourself, no matter what is happening. You can even practice compassionate speech toward your lizard brain: Hello, lizard brain—I recognize you. It’s okay, I’ll take care of you.
Mindfully observe your thinking. Are you ruminating, replaying in your mind over and over what the person said or did to make you angry? Perhaps you keep thinking about what you wish that you had said or done. Is your anger rising the more you ruminate? Remember that you don’t have to stay on that angry train of thought. You can get off of that train and come back to the healing power of your own breath. Remember that anger doesn’t rule you—you don’t have to act on your anger.
Once your human brain is reactivated, you will be able to see the situation more clearly, and you will know how to respond to the situation more skillfully. At that point, you might choose to have a mindful conversation with the person who made you angry, or you might try to get a friend or an adult involved who can help resolve the conflict. In this way, you can handle your anger skillfully and make a wise choice that avoids creating more stress.
Teen Voices
“[Mindfulness has] helped me be a lot more relaxed and not get angry so often, and when I do get angry, it helps me calm down so the anger doesn’t get too bad.” —Jun
“When I meditate, I feel more relaxed [and] less angry, and I’m able to think more clearly again.” —Marcus
“When we’re about to get into an argument, we can take three mindful breaths together. We’re able to pull each other back.” —Xochi
It’s important to connect with your peers in a positive and healthy way. Mindfulness can give you enormous power to handle stressful situations with other teens. The next time you are in an argument with your friend, your boyfriend, or your girlfriend, see whether mindfulness can help you find a way out of the difficulty. If you are being bullied or are experiencing pressure to do something you don’t want to, remember that you don’t have to act on your anger or your fear. You already have the tools you need to help you stop, breathe, listen, think, and respond with more wisdom and compassion.