Chapter 14
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.
the Dalai Lama
One of the biggest sources of stress for teens is difficulties with family members. (By “family,” I mean parents, adoptive parents, foster parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, close family friends—anyone you live with or are really close to, even if you don’t always get along.) When communication is tense between you and your parents, everyone at home is unhappy. When you are fighting with your brother or sister, everyone can feel stressed out. When relationships at home are tense, you can end up feeling isolated, which can worsen your stress.
On the other hand, if you can practice mindfulness and compassion in your interactions at home, you can bring a lot of healing, peace, and transformation into your home life. Everyone in your family will benefit.
Teen Voices: Nicole T.
“I ignore my little brother all the time. He’s thirteen. One day I was like, ‘What if he’s saying something important, and I’m not listening to it?’ So I sat down with him, and we had a conversation, and I was a lot more mindful of what he was saying, and a lot more mindful of what I was saying to him. And we had a really good conversation, and I really enjoyed it. I felt like I was spending quality time with my brother, and it felt really nice… I feel like my relationship is a lot better with him now.”
Have you ever noticed that sometimes, your family members—the people you are closest to—can “push your buttons” the most? When a family member does or says something that stresses you out and makes you angry, you might want to blame or punish him or her. If you don’t stop to think, before you know it your lizard brain can take over, and you might find yourself yelling, punching a wall, or storming off and slamming your bedroom door. Although such actions might make you feel better in the short term, they can quickly lead to a “toxic” environment. Your home—the place where you should feel most relaxed and safe—can become a place full of stress and conflict.
Mindfulness is about awareness, and it is also about understanding. A misunderstanding with a family member can make you feel stressed out and angry. If you can learn to understand yourself and the other person more deeply, you can correct the misunderstanding and alleviate your stress.
For example, maybe one reason that your mom snapped at you the other night is because she was stressed out. That’s not an excuse. But, if you can understand your mom and her situation more, it can help you feel more compassionate and less stressed. Once you really understand your mom’s difficulties, you will no longer want to punish her. You will only want her to experience relief. Once she has some relief from her own stress, she will be happier and treat you better. So when you understand her more deeply, compassion for her may arise within you quite naturally as you see clearly that her happiness would benefit both of you.
Any time you’re in a conflict, your lizard brain automatically goes into fight, flight, or freeze mode. Your lizard brain tries to prove who is “right” and who is “wrong” by judging whose fault it is and who is to blame. This blocks true understanding and tends to activate your judging mind and your lizard brain even more. The only way to really understand someone is to stay present and listen.
Try This! Mindful Reconciliation
The next time you have a small conflict or disagreement with a family member—for example, your sister borrows something of yours and doesn’t return it—as soon as you notice yourself getting stressed or irritated, mindfully STOP. Mindfully STOPping gives you a space to reconnect with your deepest values and intentions. After you breathe mindfully three times, ask yourself, Is my primary intention here to prove whose fault it is—who “should” do this or “shouldn’t” do that? Or, is it to heal and reconcile—to bring more understanding and compassion to the relationship?
Mindfully STOPping also gives you an opportunity to shift out of fight, flight, or freeze mode. Once you shift into mindful awareness, you might discover ways of handling the situation that would not occur to your lizard brain. You will be better able to think of what can you do and say to help your home life be happier and less stressful. Then, you can practice mindful communication to increase understanding between you and the other person and reconcile the conflict. Here are some key ingredients in reconciliation and mindful communication, inspired by the “Beginning Anew” practice taught by Thich Nhat Hanh (2009).Staying present. In your own words, tell the other person something like “I am really here with you right now. I hope that we can work this out.” A simple statement like this expresses your mindful presence and compassionate intention. Your mindfulness and compassion might even rub off on the other person. As traditional First Nations wisdom teaches us, “When someone is hurting, just your presence is medicine.”
Expressing appreciation. Sometimes when you and another person are experiencing conflict, it can be easy to lose sight of what it is you like or appreciate about that person. Remembering and saying out loud what you appreciate about him or her can restore love and understanding. For example, you might tell your parent, “I know how much you care about me and want me to succeed at school.” Speaking in this way will help both you and the other person open your hearts and let go of resentment. (It is important that you be sincere.)
Taking responsibility. As soon as you recognize that you’ve made a mistake, whether it’s big or small, take responsibility for it by apologizing. Apologizing for thoughtlessly saying something hurtful, for example, can relieve the other person’s hurt, start to repair the damage, and bring more peace to the situation right away.
You don’t need to judge yourself as a “bad” son, daughter, brother, or sister for having made a mistake. You are young, you are learning, and you have a right to make mistakes. But you should take responsibility for the mistakes you make whenever possible. Taking responsibility for your mistakes demonstrates a huge amount of maturity, and the other person may respect you for that. Plus, it paves the way for the other person to take responsibility for his or her own mistakes.Expressing hurt. Mindful communication involves speaking truthfully and honestly. Don’t suppress or ignore your own hurt. Express your hurt using I-statements, and invite the other person to join you in reconciling. For example, you might say, “I felt really upset last night when you yelled at me. I’ve been upset about it all day. Can we talk about it?” Speak truthfully, sharing what is in your heart, but don’t be accusatory. Your primary intention is to heal the relationship, not to judge or blame. Try to look at the difficulty with the other person in order to come to a shared understanding. Use caring language. For example, “I don’t understand why you seemed so upset the other night. I’d really like to understand you better. Can you help me understand?” Deep listening is also crucial. Listen to the other person’s worries and difficulties, with the intention of understanding him or her better. Even if you hear something that you don’t agree with, just listening can help the other person express pain and release stress. So if you don’t understand or agree with what you hear, just continue to follow your breath and, as best you can, continue to listen mindfully instead of arguing back right away. You may have an opportunity to speak up and be heard later, when the situation is more calm.
With practice, you will gain the self-confidence to communicate more skillfully and mindfully in bigger conflicts and arguments, such as when you believe that your parents are expecting too much of you or treating you unfairly. If the problem you need to address is a big one, it might be helpful to ask the other person to agree to talk with you at a time when both of you can be fully present (that is, when you won’t feel rushed or busy) and after you’ve both had a chance to cool off. You might also like to ask for help from a trusted aunt, grandparent, doctor, or counselor who can help you listen to and understand each other. Your combined insight and presence can bring healing to the difficult situation. Reconciliation may take several days and several conversations. Don’t rush it.
Mindfulness and compassion don’t always involve being nice or saying yes. Sometimes, they involve knowing when you need to take a mindful break, in order to avoid saying or doing something that could make the situation worse. Compassion sometimes involves setting clear boundaries—knowing when to say “No,” “I need to go chill out for a little while,” or “That’s not okay.”
When you get on an airplane, the most important safety instruction that the flight attendants give is the one along the lines of “Put your own oxygen mask on before helping your child put on his or hers.” They know that if you don’t take care of yourself first, you won’t be able to help anyone else.
It’s the same when handling stressful situations with the people in your life: you need to “put your own oxygen mask on” by breathing and taking care of your own emotions (your irritation, your anger, and so forth) first, before trying to resolve the situation. Use one of the tools that you’ve learned in this book—the SOBER Breathing Space (chapter 7), mindful movement (chapter 8), or belly breathing (chapter 10)—to help you take care of your own stress with great compassion, like a mother holding a crying baby. Don’t be in too much of a rush to talk or to “figure things out.” It might be better to wait a day or two, until you’ve successfully handled your own stress and also given the other person some time to cool off. Taking care of yourself is self-compassion in action. Only when you know how to love yourself will you be capable of truly caring for the people you love.
Teen Voices: Rachel
“I had had a really bad day at school. I came home feeling really stressed out. The first thing I decided to do when I got home was sit down and meditate. As I was sitting down, my dad came into my room. He asked me, ‘How was your day today?’ Without thinking, I blurted out, ‘Shut up, I’m trying to be mindful!’ My dad is into mindfulness, too. So instead of arguing with me or getting on my case, he just sat down next to me. We meditated together for ten minutes. Then, we ended up having a really nice evening together. I even cooked dinner for my family that night!
“If I hadn’t tried to meditate, I’m sure I would have said something even worse to my dad. And if my dad didn’t know how to meditate, we probably would have gotten into an argument right away. Instead, we ended up having a really good time together.”
Mindful reconciliation with your loved ones is a deep art, and it takes some time and practice. Be patient with yourself, and with everyone else, especially when it seems as if reconciliation isn’t working. If cultivating loving-kindness (see chapter 12) is like watering seeds in a garden, so is learning mindful reconciliation. The flowers might not bloom right away, but important changes are taking place beneath the surface. A skillful gardener waters a flower with love and compassion, but without getting too attached to any specific outcome or expectation of how the flower is supposed to look. The Dalai Lama said, “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” You always have the power to water the positive seeds in those around you, just by your mindful way of being, breathing, and speaking. Your own deep mindfulness practice can transform your entire family.