Chapter 3
In Asian languages, the word for “mind” and the word for “heart” are [the same]. So if you’re not hearing mindfulness in some deep way as heartfulness, you’re not really understanding it. Compassion and kindness towards oneself are intrinsically woven into it. You could think of mindfulness as wise and affectionate attention.
Jon Kabat-Zinn (2012)
In the past, perhaps you have tried to run away from stress. Trying to deal with stress by running away from it works only up to a point and often makes things worse in the end. Yet paying attention to your stress can feel even more stressful, if you don’t know how to handle your stress wisely. That’s where “the mindful spirit” comes in. Mindfulness isn’t just about paying attention—it’s about paying attention in a different way. With the mindful spirit, mindfulness takes on the power to heal and transform stress.
In this chapter, we will explore three essential qualities or attitudes that make up the mindful spirit: beginner’s mind, loving-kindness, and self-compassion. Beginner’s mind will help you see situations with an open mind, bring a childlike joy to every moment, and let go of judgments that can increase your stress. Loving-kindness and self-compassion will allow you to hold your stress and difficulty with an open heart.
By tapping into the healing powers of your heart as well as your mind, you can learn to simply breathe while being aware of your stress, instead of running away from it. Only once you can stay with your stress in this way and “hold it gently”—inviting your mindful spirit to help you stay present and take care of your stress—will you have a chance to heal it and to free yourself from it.
When you’re a beginner, there’s no pressure. There’s no expectation of you to be an “expert,” to have any answers, or to know anything. For example, kindergarteners are not expected to know how to read, which allows them to explore the world of books with joy and curiosity. Being a beginner is incredibly freeing. It allows you to be curious and to know the joy of discovery.
Jason’s Story
One day in class, we were about to have pizza. Before we started eating, I said, “Let’s eat this pizza with beginner’s mind. Let’s eat the pizza as if we’ve never eaten pizza before—as if it is a new experience, an opportunity to try something really different and interesting. Take your time, and see what you notice that you might not normally notice.”
After we ate, I asked the participants to share about the experience. Jason said, “I really love pizza. So I was tempted to just eat the pizza like I normally do, which means as fast as I can! But then I remembered what we talked about, slowing down and savoring it. So, I tried that. I was really surprised by it. I realized how many parts to the pizza there were. It wasn’t just a piece of pizza. It was the crust, the cheese, the bell peppers, the mushrooms… I used to think that eating a piece of pizza was just all one thing, all lumped together. There was so much more to it than I had ever realized before. And, it tastes so much better eating it this way!”
Jason learned how interesting the simple act of eating pizza can be. He had eaten pizza many times before, so he had assumed that he already knew what pizza was all about. But when he ate pizza with beginner’s mind, he discovered some interesting, surprising things that he hadn’t noticed before.
Perhaps you had a similar experience when you tried the “Eat a Raisin” exercise in chapter 2. Eating a raisin mindfully is also a practice of beginner’s mind: You let go of your ideas about what a raisin is like, and you simply experience eating that raisin wholeheartedly, using all your senses, with a childlike sense of wonder and curiosity. With beginner’s mind, you experience each moment and each experience as if for the very first time. Whether you are doing something you do every day (like eating a piece of pizza or walking to the bus stop) or something really “special” (like meeting a newborn baby), that spirit of curiosity and openness can help every moment and every experience come alive.
Try This! Beginner’s Mind and Your Own Inner Child
You can learn a lot about mindfulness by closely observing young children. Take a moment to remember the last time you took a walk with a young child (for example, three or four years old). Maybe you were walking on the beach or through the forest. Or maybe you were walking down the sidewalk in your neighborhood, to the park. Or perhaps you might remember what walking to the park or playing in a sandbox was like for you as a child.
What do you think that experience was like for that young child? What was it like for him or her just to walk and look around and explore the world? Did the child become fascinated by something as ordinary as a leaf, a tree, or a rock? Was the child delighted and entertained by the common sight of a bug on the ground or a cloud floating by? When you were a young child, you naturally approached every experience with the same beginner’s mind. That’s because every experience—learning to walk, learning to talk, meeting new people—actually was new to you at that time.I invite you to get back in touch with your own beginner’s mind. Bring your beginner’s mind to an activity that seems routine or boring, like eating pizza or walking to the bus stop. Reawaken your inner child, and experience the joy, awe, and wonder of seeing the world as though everything were new.
Loving-kindness can also be called heartfulness, compassion, friendliness, goodwill, or respect. Practicing mindfulness with the spirit of loving-kindness involves becoming fully present with whatever is happening inside you and around you, and meeting it with kindness.
Bonnie’s Story
Bonnie shared that she had recently begun hanging out with an old friend whom she had stopped hanging out with a while back. One day, she said, she started getting really annoyed with this friend and remembered why she had stopped hanging out with her. Only this time, she decided to practice a loving-kindness meditation (which you’ll learn in chapter 12). As she said, “I remember reading a quote about how forgiving someone else is really a gift to yourself. It’s not about whether the person deserves it or not. So I decided to try forgiving her, and I practiced the loving-kindness meditation. I tried to let it be, to let it go.”
“So what happened?” I asked Bonnie.
“It made me feel a lot less tired. Less full of thoughts and judgments. Less stressed about the whole situation… It helped me remember the things about her that I actually do like, and we ended up having a nice day together.”
Mindfulness is sometimes described as a bird with two wings: awareness and compassion. The practice needs both wings to take flight. Whenever stress and difficulty arise, awareness will allow you to understand what is happening and why. For example, Bonnie recognized, I’m stressed right now because my friend is being really annoying. Compassion will allow you to relate to your situation with kindness. Bonnie practiced compassion for her friend, saying silently to herself, I’m going be nice to my friend anyway and see whether that helps make our afternoon together more fun.
One of the best ways to cultivate loving-kindness is by intentionally smiling. You can smile to anyone and anything, whether pleasant or difficult. You can smile to your breath; you can smile to your neighbor; you can even smile to the exam at school that is stressing you out. Sending friendliness in this way, you can begin to let go of your stress. And, happiness is contagious—so help spread it around!
You already have loving-kindness inside of you. Through mindfulness, you can awaken it and intentionally bring it to bear in more situations in your life—stressful as well as pleasant ones.
Exercise: Get in Touch with Your Innate Loving-Kindness
Take a moment to imagine a small puppy or kitten. You might even want to remember your own cat or dog when he or she was very young. Imagine how beautiful, and also how vulnerable, that puppy or kitten is. Imagine holding it.
As you picture that cuddly creature in your arms, you may notice nurturing feelings arising inside you. You want to protect that animal; you want it to be well, and happy, and safe. What you are experiencing in this moment is loving-kindness. You may notice perhaps a warm sensation in your body, a certain feeling or emotion, or a beautiful thought, wish, or hope. What do you notice as you touch your innate loving-kindness?
Some of the teens I work with have a very hard time being kind toward themselves. Is that true for you? Do you sometimes hear a negative and self-critical inner voice saying things like the following?
If these kinds of self-judgmental thoughts are familiar to you, that’s okay. We all have them sometimes. But believing these self-judgments as if they were true can cause an enormous amount of stress.
Self-compassion means being fully present and friendly with everything inside of yourself, including all your thoughts, emotions, and feelings. It means accepting yourself completely, with compassion, just as you are. Mindfulness is a deeply nonviolent practice—there is no need to fight, reject, or deny your own stress or difficulties. A meditation teacher once said, “We don’t have to ‘let go’ of our suffering, our difficult thoughts, emotions, or feelings. When we meet them with kindness, they let go of us.” Meeting your stress with acceptance and self-compassion will allow you to soothe and calm your lizard brain, reducing your stress.
Eric’s Story
Eric had arthritis, which caused chronic pain in his hands, wrists, elbows, and knees. He had missed three months of school the previous year due to pain, stress, and anxiety. Observing his sensations and emotions mindfully helped him discover how connected all of those things were: “I missed school because I had joint pain. Then I got stressed and anxious about what I had missed. That just made my joint pain worse. So I had to miss more school. It became a cycle.”
Eric shared that mindfulness meditation practices like mindful breathing and the body scan (which you’ll learn in chapter 6) helped him get out of that destructive cycle. “With mindfulness, I found a way that I could lessen my anxiety, which lessened my joint pain. Then, I was able to start going back to school.” He also practiced being kind and gentle with himself as he adjusted to getting back to school. “I used to be really hard on myself about grades,” he explained. “Before, I would be really upset at myself if I got anything less than an A. But now, I just practice accepting myself. I’m even proud of myself just for being back in school and going every day. I can accept myself if I get a B or a C. I don’t get so anxious about it anymore, and my pain doesn’t get worse because of that.”
When you’re feeling stressed, you may have a hard time believing that you deserve compassion. But you deserve to be loved just as much as anyone. In fact, you have to learn how to love yourself unconditionally before you can be a true friend to anyone else. A true friend knows everything about you—your strengths and your weaknesses—and sticks by you anyway, no matter what. Can you become your own best friend?
Try This! Handle Stress with Your Innate Mindful Qualities
In moments of stress, get in touch with your beginner’s mind, loving-kindness, and self-compassion. First, simply recognize right away that stress is arising. That moment of recognition is a real awakening—a precious opportunity to stop, reengage your human brain, and respond wisely.
Next, become fully present, in a mindful spirit. Once you consider a stressful situation with beginner’s mind—with curiosity and openness—you might find that the situation is not exactly what you thought it was. Maybe that person didn’t mean what you thought he or she meant, or maybe there’s another way to look at this conflict. Let go of your negative thoughts and judgments about how the situation “should” be, and experience it just as it is. Practice smiling to the situation or to the other person, with loving-kindness. If you notice self-blame and self-judgment arising, remember to smile to yourself with self-compassion, becoming your own best friend.
Teen Voices: Liota
“Today for the first time I found myself offering myself loving-kindness in a troubling moment. It was such an amazing experience to realize that I could actually want myself to be happy!”
Mindfulness, or “heartfulness,” is an unconditional loving presence. With practice, you can learn to meet stress with awareness, curiosity, and compassion. You can become more resilient to stress, tapping into your full powers of strength and wisdom, by inviting your own loving presence into a difficult moment or situation.