Chapter 5
Do every act of your life as though it were the very last act of your life.
second-century Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius Antoninus
When you are stressed out, you might spend a lot of time thinking about the past or worrying about the future. You might have a lot of judgments about the way things “should” or “shouldn’t” be. If you don’t know how to handle stress, you can easily get carried away by these kinds of thoughts until you have completely lost touch with what is happening around you—in other words, until your mind is miles away from your body.
In this chapter, you will learn to tame your lizard brain and handle stress by coming back to the present moment, living each moment as if it was the most important moment in your entire life.
Rose’s Story
Rose said that although she loved school and she loved to learn, she had a really hard time taking quizzes and exams. Sometimes when she sat down to take an exam, she said, she would get so stressed out that her brain “froze,” and she couldn’t think at all.
For example, one morning, Rose sat down to take a science exam. Although she had studied hard, in her moment of stress she couldn’t remember what she had learned. She left the science room thinking, I did really badly on that exam. What’s wrong with me? That afternoon, she went to her dance class, which was something she usually loved. But she was in such a bad mood from earlier that she couldn’t get into her warm-up routine. Suddenly, she realized, I’ve been thinking about that exam all day long! But the exam is in the past—I don’t need to keep thinking about it and stressing about it. She decided to let go of her thoughts and worries about the exam and just be fully in the present moment. As she told us, “I decided to be more present for dancing. I ended up enjoying the dance class a lot more since I wasn’t thinking about school the whole time. And, my mood was a lot better by the end.”
Perhaps something really difficult happened to you in the past—maybe you were abused, treated very badly, or hurt by someone you trusted. Maybe the stress and pain from those experiences are still present in your body and mind. With mindfulness, you can take care of those old wounds, right here in the present moment. You don’t have to dwell on the past, replaying difficult memories over and over again. You also don’t have to run away from the past or try to push those difficult memories away. No matter what has happened in your life, you possess the wisdom and strength to heal from it. You were born with this strength, and no one and nothing can take it away from you.
Sometimes, instead of being caught in the past, you might be stressed about the future. For example, you might wonder, How am I going to finish all the homework I have to do tonight? Or What if other kids make fun of me tomorrow? Regrets about the past and worries about the future can pull you away from the present moment, activate your lizard brain, and lead to more stress. You can let go of that stress by breathing mindfully and coming back to the present moment.
Any time you are stressed, judgmental thinking only worsens that stress. Mindfulness involves freeing yourself from your judgments—judgments about what is good or bad, judgments about what is right or wrong, judgments about the situation, and especially judgments about yourself. One common kind of judgment involves wishing things were not the way they are. Such wishes often hold someone up to blame—for example, I wish he hadn’t done that or I wish she would stop doing this. Judgmental thoughts sometimes also contain the word “shouldn’t” or “can’t.” For example, He shouldn’t be saying that. What’s wrong with him? Or I can’t stand it when my mom doesn’t let me go out on weekends. Often, our harshest judgments are about ourselves—for example, I’m too fat or I’m so stupid.
Judgments get in the way of being deeply in touch with the present moment. Thoughts like I need things to be different; I’m not okay with how things are create a battle between your mind and your reality. This mental battle activates the fight, flight, or freeze response in your lizard brain, increasing your stress.
If you pay close attention to your thoughts throughout the day, you might be surprised at how often judgmental thoughts arise. You can free yourself from judgments, and all the stress that comes with them, by coming back to the present moment with an open heart and an attitude of acceptance. The ancient Chinese philosopher Lao-tzu said, “Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you” (2006, 44). With mindfulness, you can become 100 percent present with the moment just as it is, instead of as you wish it was. Letting go of judgment sends a powerful message to your lizard brain: It’s okay—there’s no need to fight.
Nonjudgment is sometimes misunderstood as passiveness or apathy. Let me be clear about one thing: nonjudging doesn’t mean ignoring problems or injustices. In fact, with beginner’s mind and an open heart, you’ll actually be able to see difficult situations more clearly. Any time you do need to take action in an unfair situation, openness and flexibility will help you be more creative and effective. You’ll be bringing mindful understanding and compassion into a difficult situation, instead of acting from a place of blame and judgment and perhaps making things worse. Later in this book, you’ll learn how to practice mindfulness in many difficult situations.
You can’t change the past. You can’t escape the present moment. And you can’t live in the future because it hasn’t arrived yet. Don’t allow yourself to be pulled away from the present moment. Don’t rob yourself of the peace and happiness that is available in the here and now.
You may be waiting for something that you think will make you happy—like graduating from high school or college or finding the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend. Having hopes for your future is wonderful, and I’m not saying that you should never plan or never think about the future. But don’t wait to start enjoying life. As you plan, be aware that you are planning. Remember to enjoy the journey in the present moment. The best way to create a positive future is to take really good care of yourself and the people around you, right here and now.
Learn to get deeply in touch with the present moment, and recognize the healing power of simple experiences—such as looking at the big, blue sky; feeling a gentle breeze on your face; or receiving a smile from your little brother—that are available to you right here and now. Whatever you are looking for, look for it right here and now. If you are looking for happiness, look for it right here and now. If you are looking for relief from past hurts, you will find that only right here and now.
The present moment is the only moment that you have. This very moment is the most important moment of your life. You can start enjoying life right now, with this breath. And this breath. And this breath… This is it.
Try This! “This Is It”
The next time your mind is far away in time or space, simply notice that your thoughts are somewhere other than the here and now. Then ask yourself, What was I just thinking about? Where did my mind go to? Maybe your mind was in the past, dwelling on something difficult that happened to you. Maybe your mind was in the future, worrying about something that might or might not happen. Or maybe you were thinking about something that you think you need to have before you can be happy.
Guess what? As soon as you noticed you were being pulled away from the present moment, you entered a moment of mindfulness! Congratulate yourself for noticing that your mind wandered. Then remind yourself, This is it! Right here, right now. Gently return to the present moment, using your breath as your anchor. Follow your in-breath and your out-breath for a few breaths. Bring a gentle smile to your lips. Then, return to what you were doing, but continue to follow your breath, and continue to touch the present moment.Ask yourself, What is happening right now? And right now? And right now?
It’s human nature to try to distract yourself from uncomfortable feelings, like worry, loneliness, or sadness. And there are so many ways to distract yourself—from your cell phone, to the Internet, to video games, to TV. Sometimes these distractions can seem irresistible. It can seem so tempting to play video games or surf the Internet for hours and hours.
Sometimes, distractions can be healthy—for example, when you take a break from homework by going for a walk with your dog or calling up your best friend to talk about something fun. But sometimes, distractions can be an attempt to escape or “tune out” from life, or to cover up uncomfortable feelings. A distraction can even become an addiction, something you can’t “put down” even when you want to. At that point, it’s not even fun anymore. Instead, it keeps you awake all night, interferes with your life at home and at school, and ends up causing more stress. For many teens, this is what happens with technology. I’m not saying that you should never use technology, because it can be great for having fun, learning, and connecting with others. But can you notice if and when you’re using technology in order to tune out from reality? And can you observe, with self-compassion, what it is inside yourself that you may be attempting to cover up?
Maybe you sometimes tune out or distract yourself in ways that you know can be dangerous and harmful, like cutting yourself, using drugs, or drinking alcohol. If you can learn to stay present with uncomfortable feelings, then you can learn to handle stress better. With mindfulness, you can train yourself to stay present, to stay awake to reality. You can “tune in” and show up for life rather than tuning out and trying to escape. Just as you can’t properly heal from a wound unless you attend to it and care for it, you can’t properly heal from stress and pain unless you fully tune in to life, courageously and openheartedly, one moment at a time.
For me personally, mindfulness practice boils down to two things: first, the art of joyful living—learning to enjoy my life more deeply, more fully—second, the art of handling stress. Just like you and everyone else, I sometimes experience stress. With mindfulness, I know how to handle it so that I don’t get overwhelmed.
It turns out that joyful living and handling stress go hand in hand. Any time I’m enjoying my life—for whatever reason—I find I can handle stress much better. Mindfulness helps me enjoy the “good stuff.” And mindfulness helps me handle stress without fighting it or making it worse. Mindfulness helps me be open to whatever comes my way, whether I might consider it “good” or “bad.”
We’ll come back to handling stress later in this book. For now, let’s see how a mindfulness practice might help you enjoy life, or notice the good stuff, more. Being aware of and grateful for the positive things in your life can help you heal from the effects of stress.
Try This! Gratitude
Take a moment to become aware of one or two things that you can be grateful for, like things that are fun or things that you have enjoyed lately. They can be big things (like winning an award or championship) or little things (like petting your cat this morning). They can be things that you notice right now, things from earlier today, or things from earlier this week. What are a few of the good things, the pleasant moments, the positive events? Even if you are under a lot of stress right now, can you identify just one or two little things in your life that you are grateful for? Don’t judge yourself too much if it is hard to think of anything.
What did you come up with? If you found it difficult to think of anything positive in your life, maybe you can identify with one or more of the following things that teens have told me they are grateful for.Having read this list, can you think of any more things in your own life that you are grateful for?
When you pay close attention to each moment, you can start to see the small wonders of life. Maybe the sky is a fabulous shade of blue today. Maybe your best friend’s smile warms your heart. There are wonders in every moment, just waiting for you to be present and recognize them. Maybe if you pay close attention, it feels good just to breathe. The cool air entering your lungs—how wonderful that can feel, like a glass of cool water on a hot day! Even when things are stressful in your life, this very breath can be a small moment of joy. Just by paying attention to your breath, you might feel grateful to be alive, grateful that your lungs are working and that you have air to breathe.
Be careful, however, to not get too attached to whatever it is you’re enjoying. Perhaps you have a tendency to want to hold on to happy moments, wishing every moment could be like that. But every moment can’t be happy, and, in hard times, wishing for things to be different than the way they are will only increase your suffering. With mindfulness, you can breathe in and enjoy, then breathe out and let go. You don’t need to hold on to anything. Each breath heralds a new moment—and, perhaps, something new to enjoy. You can practice mindfulness in this way anytime, no matter where you are.
Try This! Mindfulness of Pleasant Events
Over the next few days, pay attention to the small pleasant moments in your life. When you notice a pleasant moment, smile and allow a pleasant emotion like happiness or gratitude to arise.
Experiencing a pleasant emotion is like having your best friend come over for a visit. Recognize your pleasant emotion. Enjoy it while it lasts. When it starts to fade, let it go. You don’t need to try to hold on to happiness, just as you wouldn’t force your best friend to stay any longer than he or she wanted to. Just breathe again, smile again, and open your mind and heart to the next moment, whatever arises. Here is a short saying from Thich Nhat Hanh (1993, 15) that I use to help myself practice mindfulness of pleasant events. You can try it, too. Any time you notice a small pleasant moment in your life, say silently to yourself:Try This! Keep a Gratitude and Mindfulness Journal
At the end of each day, write down something in your life that you are grateful for. It could be a person in your life. It could be something that happened during your day. It can be something big or something small. As you think about what you are grateful for, breathe mindfully in and out three times, and bring your awareness to any feeling of gratitude that arises. Notice what is present in your body—for example, a warm sensation in your heart. Does the thought of what you are grateful for bring a gentle smile to your lips?
If it helps, as you notice these pleasant moments, practice saying to yourself silently, Breathing in, I know this is a pleasant moment. Breathing out, I smile. Pleasant moment… Smiling…
What benefits have you noticed already as you practice mindfulness? Can you think of any possible benefits to continuing to practice mindful breathing for a few minutes every day, on good days as well as bad days? Are there any challenges that might keep you from practicing it regularly? Can you think of some ways to work with those challenges?
Remember that mindfulness is simple, but it’s not always easy. Remind yourself that daily mindfulness practice is like exercising your mindfulness muscle or practicing mental hygiene. Just like lifting weights to build muscle and strength, practicing mindfulness might not yield dramatic results right away. But if you keep at it patiently and gently, you might notice after a few days or a few weeks that you feel a little less stressed or a little happier.
You might find it difficult to keep up your daily practice, however. You might ask yourself, Why should I keep doing this? What’s the point? Or thoughts like This isn’t working or I’m too busy—I don’t have time to meditate may arise. Even if you don’t believe that practicing mindfulness is having any positive effects—even if you think, It’s not working—your brain might be growing and developing in ways that you can’t recognize right away. Whether you feel as if it’s working or not, continue to experiment with mindfulness for a few more weeks. See what happens if you just stick with it every day, as best you can, whether you feel like it or not. That said, mindfulness shouldn’t feel like a burden, a chore, or more “homework” that you have to do. Try to invite a sense of lightheartedness, joy, and playfulness into your daily practice. Let go of expectations about what’s “supposed” to happen. By simply sticking with it, and staying curious, you might discover new and surprising possibilities.