What to do when an apology’s required but you feel less than apologetic? Or have been caught in the wrong and would rather bounce the blame than own it? Try the un-apology apology! The following strategies deflect the rays of wrongdoing like the S on Superman’s chest. How many have you heard on CNN in the last week?
Wild Kingdom: Impolite Herring
Do you remember the Jim Carrey movie in which he talks with his butt? Perhaps it’s funny because it taps into humans’ evolutionary memory of our past as sea dwellers—specifically, herring.
The simply truth is that herring cannot talk and so they fart. They do it at night, when they can’t communicate by sight. And when a herring farts in the dark, other herring gather. A ball of farting herring can be millions strong. (Hippos communicate at night through defecation…)
• Remove the specific act and yourself from it: “I think everyone knows that the misuse of taxpayer money is wrong. Anyone who does something like that is out of line.”
• Question the harm done: “If my actions harmed anyone, I apologize.”
• Truthfully confess to an unrelated charge: “I can honestly say that at no time during the unfortunate events with taxpayer money did I ever intend to use the money for my girlfriend’s cosmetic procedures.”
• Bury in technical jargon: “I regret my failure to conform to the specifications of the McCain-Feingold campaign finance reform act. There were instances in which I overlooked the subclauses governing the fair use of campaign contributions. I regret my lack of attention to the MFCFRA and assure voters that I will make every attempt to conform to the regulations in the future.”
I regret deeply any injuries that may have been done in the course of the events that led to this decision. I would say only that if some of my judgments were wrong, and some were wrong, they were made in what I believed at the time to be the best interest of the nation.
—Richard Nixon, resignation speech
• Passive voice makes the culprit disappear: “Unfortunately, it has been found that campaign contributions and taxpayer money were used in improper ways.”
• Compare to a much worse possible outcome: “The thorough investigation found that, regardless of what you might have heard, no campaign contributors or taxpayers suffered any physical injury whatsoever.”
• Oops, I made a mistake: “In hindsight, I realize that I made mistakes in the handling of campaign contributions. All of us make missteps and I want you to know how sorry I am for this lapse in judgment.”
• Bonzai! Sometimes the best defense is a good offense: “Let me describe to you the recent, vicious attacks on me, my family, and on our great country, these United States of America, all by a sensationalist and biased media.”
