In my cell at night
the worst thoughts swim around
my mind when I’m locked up
in a box with nothing but the
quiet darkness as my hype man
my producer, my DJ
and just the memory of making music
the memory of hearing some new joint
for the first time
So I try to make my own
Pull a rhythm, a bass, a beat
from out of the stillness
and I wonderI wonder
If I’ll die right this second
or tomorrow or the next day
Umi doesn’t know that they
can kill me in here
and say I deserved it
They will make me pay for
what I did to Jeremy Mathis
Promising college student
they called him
as if the life he was expected to live
wasn’t a guarantee
Quiet kid with no problems
they said
as if his yearbook picture painted
his whole life story
They don’t knowthey don’t know
that it all started with him
starting with me
Starting with the moment
I decided to go with Omari to the courts
There were some guys I’ve never seen before
and when I spotted them I knew
that they were from the other side
of the park—not where the projects are
not where people know me and know my name
and Umi’s name and know my face and my voice
They were from where the big houses are—
McMansions we call them—and those houses
were filling up with new facesThose white boys
were from where Mr. George and the Kingstons
got their houses sold and bought from right under them
I’ve heard the word before—gentrification
But we lived in the same building I was born in
and paid the same rent my whole life, so we were good
But on the other side, the big houses
(some painted in bright colors, others run-down)
got fixed up nice and painted over in grays and beiges
making that part of our hood look like a futuristic suburb
and soon there was this invisible line we couldn’t cross
like we can’t go where the nice places are
Can’t touch the nice things because everything about us
our skin, our faces, our hair, our words, our music
will break things
will ruin things
will make things ugly
just by us being there
But those white boys
didn’t care about no lines
The world belonged to them
including our hood
So when we saw them
using the courts as their own
little skate park, of course
we were like get the fuck out!
Not me, but Omari and his boys
because I was too busy
checking out their tricks
their ollies, their kickflips,
their heelflips, their no complies
and this one dude skated
right past us with his
middle finger up and I
laughed but Omari and his boys
didn’tThey got heated
and said
all kinds of shit to that dude
and that second I knew I had
to make a move because
I thought of Grandma and
her prayer for meher promises for me
That I am a master
of my own destiny
The worst thoughts swim around
your mind when you’re locked up
in a box with nothing but the
quiet darkness as your hype man
and I was definitely Omari’s hype man
that dark night but it was far from quiet
I’ve never been to a club, really
never been to a good party
where the music is so dope
that you feel it in your bones
I’ve never been anywhere that
made me feel like I was losing control
of my body, my mind, my actions
until that night
There were five of us
Four took a plea deal
and were sent straight
to a juvenile detention facility
I went to trial and was found guilty
and I’m sent straight
to a juvenile detention facility