Butterflies

Do you know why you’re in here?

Dr. Bennu asks, stepping closer to me

I mean, why you’re really in here?

He steps back to look at everyone else

All those stories you just told me

is a truth your truth

but it’s not the whole truth

Of course, you’re here to take

responsibility for your actions, but—

But what if we didn’t do it?

What if we have no actions to be

responsible for? I ask

What if we took a fucking plea deal?

somebody else asks

Dr. Bennu pauses

looks at us for a long minute

then asks

Is there any paper here?

Imani hands him a stack

of loose-leaf paper

and I’m thinking I could use

some myself

Then Dr. Bennu takes some sheets

and tears them into big pieces

Each of you, he says

Take a piece of paper

and write down one thing

you are guilty of

one thing you regret

A mistake, Imani reminds us

That’s rightA mistake

It could be anything, he says

Including the thing you did

or didn’t do to get here

We shift in our seats again

We bitch and moan some more

Why you wanna know?

You’re gonna use this

against us

I need my lawyer

And then we write anyway

one by onetwo by two

we all start writing something

down on paper

slowly

as if each word is a secret

Mine is:

I

threw

the

first

punch

Dr. Bennu looks around the dayroom

and grabs an empty trash can

Take that piece of paper

fold it up real small

and throw it into this bin

We all do what he says

Now I’ll go around and you

have to pick out one piece of paper

We complain some more

I remember what Kadon had said

In here, we are a lost-and-found

We try to forget something

throw it away

but we can always dig it back up

when we’re ready

because it’s still heretrapped

just like us

And something hits me deep in my belly

Kadon isn’t here

Put it back in if you pick your own paper

Dr. Bennu says

My piece of paper

which isn’t my piece of paper

which isn’t my mistake

says

Being born

He tells us all

to read the mistake out loud

He calls it our mistake

but it isn’t our mistake

it’s someone else’s mistake

But holding it in our hands like this

seeing the words on paper like this

reading it out loud like this

it becomes our mistake

How can being born

be a mistake?

How can your whole life

be something you wish didn’t happen?

Imani writes our mistakes

down on her poster board

for everyone to read

for everyone to see

Mine is there

nakedexposed   raw

I threw the first punch

The one I read is there, too

Being born

I look around wondering which one of us

thinksbelievesthat they are a mistake