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Do not brood over your past mistakes and failures as this will only fill your mind with grief, regret and depression. Do not repeat them in the future.
~Swami Sivananda
“Relax.
Everything is going to be okay.” Lexi flipped the collar of my shirt over my tie.
“I can’t relax, Lexi. I really effed up.” I stared into the mirror, working my tie into a knot, not liking the person staring back at me. I was disgusted with myself and pissed I went to Jared’s after I vowed not to. Not to mention, I couldn’t get the memories of Macy, Abby, Reece, and all the other women out of my mind. I might have been broken up with Lexi, but I felt like I’d cheated on her in the worse way possible — not just with one woman, but a slew of them.
“I know, but you’re going to march into the coach’s office and plead your case to him.” I still couldn’t understand why Lexi was so willing to forgive me and stand by my side. I really didn’t deserve her forgiveness and I wasn’t worthy of her love.
I turned around and rested my hands on her hips. “But, what if he refuses to give me another chance?”
“Don’t think that way. You have to keep a positive mind about this, Raven.” She lifted my chin, aligning our eyes. “I know it’s not easy, but you have to believe in yourself and know that you can turn things around for good.”
“You believe me, don’t you?” I searched her face for a sign, but it was hard to tell. Then again, I couldn’t blame her. Reviewing my past, it was a good predictor of what had happened. I didn’t take any drugs, at least not that I could remember, but the alcohol poisoning combined with a few hydrocodone pills was the perfect recipe to nearly kill me. I was lucky to be alive.
“As long as you’re telling me the truth.” She held a steady gaze and I pleaded with her to believe me and forgive me for everything I’d done. I regretted all of it. But there was no undoing it. I might have been easily manipulated into doing what was wrong, but I made the choice — no one else. I was the only one to blame. Story of my life. I just prayed I’d get another chance.
“I promise you, I didn’t take those pills. Someone must have slipped them in my drink. When I woke up in the hospital, I didn’t know what the hell had happened.” The weight of the stress had me slumped over and I felt like all life had been sucked from me. “All I wanted to do was drink away the pain...drink away the memories of you and me.”
I couldn’t even fathom telling her what I’d done, but I wasn’t going to hide it from her either. I had to work on gaining her trust and right now, I had zero points on the scoreboard. I was starting over — again. But how many times would she allow me to do that?
Tears collected in her eyes, but she blinked them away. “We’ll talk about it later. Now isn’t the time. You have to get your head together and tell Coach what happened.”
“What if he doesn’t believe me?”
“Hopefully he will.”
“What if he tells me I have to play?” I shifted from one foot to the other, trying to support my lifeless weight. I felt like I’d been run over by a semi but somehow survived the crash. “To be honest, I don’t think I can. I’ve never felt so weak.” I collapsed on the edge of the bed. I was in no condition to play football. I ran my hands over my head, pissed I’d let my team down. They’d never forgive me.
“Maybe he’ll allow you stay here instead of going to the hotel.” She zipped my duffle bag. “I think you need to rest all day and see how you feel.”
She had a good point. I just wasn’t sure if one day would be enough. It had only been thirty-six hours since I’d left the hospital. “No doubt that’s what I need. But when the media gets word that I’m not available for the press conference, they’re going to wonder what the hell happened.”
“Maybe he’ll say you have the flu and its unknown whether you’ll play.”
“I’ve played with the flu, this is worse.” I fell against the mattress, unable to sit up. This was worse than I thought. I had to be better by Saturday. I had two days to recuperate.
Lexi crawled across the bed and hovered over me. I stared at her with weary eyes. “This wasn’t how things were supposed to be,” I sighed.
“I know, but we’re going to make the best of it, regardless of what happens.”
“You promise?”
She touched my cheek. “I told you I would stay by your side because I love you. All I ask is that you’re honest with me.”
And that’s all I wanted to do. I needed her by my side. Feeling the softness of her touch made me want to take her in my arms and allow her to replace all the horrible feelings with her sweet love. I placed a soft kiss on her lips and hoped she believed me. Her lips lingered on mine, and I could see the need building in her. We needed each other. Only our love could repair the new holes I had created.
A strum of knocks sounded on the bedroom door and then it flung open. “Raven, let’s go.”
Lexi rolled to the side and I saw Josh standing in the doorway. “Make out later, we have a bus to catch.”
“I have your jacket,” Shelby yelled from the living room.
“I don’t know, man.” I rose slowly, my head spinning like I was still drunk. “I don’t think I can make it.”
Josh tightened his grip on the handles of his bag as his brows knitted together. “You feel that bad?”
“Yeah, I really do.” I reached for my bag, determined to get through this. My body swayed and I nearly fell to the floor. This wasn’t good. I definitely wasn’t in any shape to play.
“Whoa.” Josh extended a hand, keeping me from toppling over. “What are you going to tell Coach?”
I didn’t even want to think about it. But I had to. There was no way I could keep what had happened from him. He was going to find out and it would be best coming from me instead of hearsay or social media.
“I’m going to have to tell him what happened. I can’t hide it.” I glanced at him through heavy eyes. I prayed I could make it to the training facility and hold a conversation without passing out from fatigue. He’d see right through me. There was no hiding my weakness from him — or anyone else.
“You’re fucked.” Josh shook his head, pissed. “But I don’t think you have much of a choice.”
I gathered the little energy I had, stood and shuffled past him. Right now, I needed him to be my friend and he was being an asshole. “Thanks for the support.” I gave him a lofty pat on the shoulder and then walked down the hall.
“It is what it is,” Lexi muttered.
“Damn it!” Josh yelled.
I grabbed my jacket and put it on.
“You alright?” Shelby asked, holding Josh’s suit jacket in her arms.
“I’ll make it.”
“I’ll carry this for you.” Lexi picked up my bag.
I leaned forward and placed a kiss on her forehead. “Thanks, baby.”
“I’ll drive.” Shelby took the keys from Josh’s hand. He hesitated for a moment and then released them to her. His face was red and his brows clenched tightly together. We both knew what was about to happen, but neither of us wanted to admit it. The team was counting on me and I was letting them down. I remained silent and walked them out the door.
We piled into Josh’s truck and Shelby drove us to campus. It was a beautiful day, not a cloud in sight. Too bad the day sucked for me. I stared out the window, watching as we passed the banners for the bowl game hanging from the light poles. Fans were going to be disappointed when they found out what happened. And even more upset when they learned I wasn’t going to play.
Shelby pulled into the parking lot of the training facility and the team’s bus was parked in front. Family, friends, and fans stood outside, anxious to wish us good luck as we headed to a hotel in Arlington. I shook my head. I still couldn’t believe I had screwed up. I had worked so hard this season to get us aligned for a good bowl game and now I blew it. A chance of a lifetime and I threw it all away. I tried to remind myself it wasn’t completely my fault, but somehow that didn’t seem to help. I was still responsible for my actions.
“Did you call Coach?” Josh asked, his voice sharp and to the point.
I took in a deep breath and pressed my head to the glass. “Yeah, I told him I needed to talk to him before we left.”
“You should’ve come up here first thing this morning,” Josh huffed. “Avoid all this unneeded attention.”
He was referring to the crowd of people running to see inside the truck. And he was right. I should have. “I know, man. But I literally couldn’t get out of bed.”
Shelby parked the truck and Josh’s door flung open. He grabbed his bag and slammed the door shut, shouldering past the groves of people.
“Josh, wait!” Shelby scurried after him, running in heels and hauling a huge purse on her arm.
I took a deep breath and opened the door. I stepped out first and then helped Lexi.
“Raven!” A few fans tried to get my attention while snapping photos of me. I gave a small smile and tried to look happy, but I didn’t have the energy.
Lexi stepped in front of me and adjusted the collar on my jacket. “You look handsome.”
“No I don’t. I look like shit.” I dragged a hand over my face as I leaned against the truck for support.
“Well, you might feel like shit, but you still look good.” She winked, trying to give my ego a boost, but I needed more than that at the moment.
“Thanks for being here for me, even though I don’t deserve it.” The crowd behind us was growing quickly. All eyes darted toward me and people were whispering into each other’s ears. My gut twisted and turned. I had a strong feeling they knew what happened to me on New Year’s Eve.
“I’ll be here, waiting. I’m not leaving until I know what the coach tells you. And your mom will be waiting for your call.” Lexi looked into the crowd and I wondered if she noticed the same thing.
“You can wait inside.” I took her hand and led her toward the double doors of the training facility. With every step I took, my heart raced and stomach twisted tighter. The warning I’d been given last spring rang loudly. Coach wasn’t going to put up with any more situations. My fate rested with him. It sucked that I had to confess what happened, but I had little choice. He’d eventually find out.
Fans screamed and yelled, vying for my attention. I plastered on my game face and gave them a big Texas wave. Lexi stood by my side, like a loyal girlfriend, supporting her man. I still owed her an explanation as to why I sent the text her mom pressured me into sending. Though I think she knew the reason, she still deserved to hear it from me. But first, I had to talk to Coach, tell him what happened, and pray he’d let me play — as long as my body cooperated.
Josh went straight to the bus, not wanting to find out the verdict. I think he already knew the answer — and so did I. I had to keep hoping for the best despite the odds. Lexi and Shelby wished me good luck and I walked into Coach’s office.
“Hey, Coach.” I knocked on the door. He was gathering papers and stuffing them into his briefcase. His office was in slight disarray; files stacked on his desk and football paraphernalia strewn across the couch pushed against the wall. I immediately spotted a few T-shirts with my number on it.
He glanced up at me. “Hey, Raven, come on in.”
I hesitantly crossed the threshold and strode toward the chair in front of his desk.
“You need to talk?”
Bracing the back of the chair with two hands, I responded, “Yes, sir.”
He continued his task. “What’s on your mind?”
The words clashed in my head and I wasn’t sure how to explain it to him. I just had to say it. Tell him the truth — even though I didn’t want to admit it myself. “I’m not sure I can play.”
The coach stopped, papers in hand. “What do you mean, son? What’s wrong?”
I swayed to the side and my head did a quick spin. Shuffling around the chair, I plummeted to the leather. The stress was weighing on my already limp body and I wasn’t sure I could keep upright. I leaned forward, pressing my forearms against my thighs. Clasping my hands, I prayed for strength. “I, um...just got out of the hospital late last night.”
Coach laid the papers down and rounded the desk. With his arms crossed, he leaned against the desk and stared at me. “Why? What happened?”
I shifted in my chair. My heart raced and my body broke out in a cold sweat. This was worse than the first time I got in trouble. Gathering my thoughts, I responded, “I passed out in the bathroom and they had rush me to the hospital.” I let out a huge breath and kept my eyes trained to the ground, unable to look at him.
“Who had to rush you to the hospital?”
Feeling the heat from his stare, I glanced up. “Shawn did, after he found me unresponsive.” I took a hard swallow. “If it weren’t for him, I might not be here right now.”
I hated to admit the truth, but what else could I say? What was done, was done. I really was grateful for Shawn and I told him when he came to the room to see me that night. He was pissed about what happened, but said he was glad he got there when he did. He said Macy was freaking out and swore she hadn’t given me anything, nor had I taken anything on my own. The logical thought was someone had slipped me something, and I was sure it was Jared, but I had no way of proving it.
Coach’s eyes narrowed and his nostrils flared. “Where were you?”
Lying would be the worst thing to do. Odds were he’d eventually find out. “Um, I was at Jared Harrington’s place.” My voice lowered and I cringed as I said his name.
A look of surprise washed across the tired features of Coach’s face. “You’re kidding me, right?”
I pressed my lips together and shook my head. “No, sir.”
“Why the hell were you at his place?” Coach’s arms flew up in the air. “You’re not supposed to be hanging around him. He’s bad news, son, and you know that.”
My leg shook uncontrollably and I rubbed my thumbs together, trying to keep it together. I had done wrong and now I had to pay for it. And it sucked. “I know. I just...” I looked away for a second, staring out the window at nothing in particular. “I just needed to get Lexi out of my head. I started drinking and ended up with a girl who took me to Jared’s.” I glanced at the coach. “I shouldn’t have gone and I knew better, but I did it anyways.” Reaching into my back pocket, I retrieved the doctor’s report. Unfolding the stapled papers, I handed it to him. “Here’s my medical report.”
Confusion knitted his brows together as he stared at the papers in my hand. He took them and quickly glanced at the write up. “Why are you showing me this?”
My throat tightened and I took several swallows, trying to force the thick lump down. I figured being transparent about what happened was the best option. He needed to know I was being one-hundred percent honest with him. That might be my only saving grace. “Because I, um...had drugs in my system.”
“What kind of drugs?” The coach quickly scanned the report, flipping back and forth between the pages.
I ran a hand over my face, wiping the sweat from my brow. “Hydrocodone,” I openly admitted. “But, I swear, I didn’t take them.” I straightened, feeling the need to defend what little ground I had with him. I couldn’t get kicked off the team. Aside from Lexi, football was all I had going for me. I might have acted irresponsibly, but I hadn’t taken the pills on my own accord. That had to stand for something — at least, I hoped it did. “Someone slipped them in my drink. I’m not sure who, but—”
A loud knock startled me and I turned toward the door. The coach shook his head a few times and then approached the front of his office. He opened the door and I caught a glimpse of Shawn. “Coach, I’m sorry, but you have to see this picture. It’s about Raven and it’s urgent.” He held up his cell phone and I leaned forward, trying to catch a view.
The coach motioned for him to come in. Shawn entered and Coach closed the door behind him. “This better be worth my time,” he informed Shawn as he held out his hand.
“I promise it is.” Shawn shot me a quick wink.
The coach’s eyes narrowed at the screen. “I’m not sure what this proves.” He glanced up at Shawn, handing him back the phone.
“Let me expand the picture.” Shawn spread two fingers across the screen in a V and handed him the phone again. “Do you see Jared dropping something into Raven’s glass?”
The coached stared at the phone, squinting his eyes. “Let me get my glasses.”
I perched on the edge of my chair, leaning onto the desk. I was dying to know what that picture contained and how Shawn got it.
Picking up his glasses from his desk, he put them on. Coach’s fingers swept across the screen as he studied the picture. After a few long seconds, he pulled his glasses off. His already tanned skin turned a shade brighter. “Damn it, Raven!” He slapped the desk with his hand. “Why must you keep hanging around this guy? He’s nothing but trouble. What’s it going to take? You in the grave?” He shook his head and handed me the phone. “It’s Harrington, alright, and he’s obviously dropping a few white pills into the glass you’re holding.”
I quickly took the phone, anxious to know what they were seeing. My stomach knotted at seeing my lips on Macy’s as I squeezed one of her butt cheeks. Not wanting to focus on that, I zoomed in on my drink. Jared was dropping something into my glass. That something being pills. Hydrocodone. Part of me was relieved that I had a good alibi, but another part was pissed that it happened.
“That motherfucker.” I clenched the phone tightly in my hands, ready to crush it as if it were his throat between my fingers. “Shit. I should’ve known it was him.”
“Hey, now, don’t kill my phone.” Shawn motioned for me to give it back to him.
“Sorry, man.” I released my death grip and returned his device. “It’s just...” I gritted my teeth together, trying to control the anger. I looked at Coach. “What are we going to do?”
“I don’t know.” Coach turned to his computer, typing and clicking away as fast as his thick fingers allowed. His head shook repeatedly and he sighed several times. “No...no,” he muttered under his breath. “Shit.” He pushed the keyboard away and let out a long breath. “Well, it’s all over social media. Everyone knows you were in the hospital.”
“Damn it!” I pounded the armrests with clenched hands. “I knew it wouldn’t take long to get around.”
“Can you please send me that picture, Shawn?” Coach ran his hand through his thick grey hair. He leaned back in his chair and folded his hands behind his head. His gaze darted to the ceiling, deep in thought. Was he preparing to tell me I was kicked off the team? That I was done? That football was over for me?
“Yes, sir.” Shawn quickly tapped his phone.
“Send it to me too, man.”
“Thanks, Shawn. If you don’t mind, I need to talk to Raven in private.”
“Of course.” Shawn gave me a pat on the back. “Good luck, man.”
The door opened and closed while I sat there, waiting for the verdict. With each passing second, my heart beat faster and harder. It was worse than throwing a Hail Mary in the last play of a game, but there was no one to blame but myself.
“Oh, Raven.” Coach buried his face in his hands and then dragged them down slowly. “Why is it so hard for you to do the right thing? I just don’t get it,” he said with a smirk. “What’s it going to take to wake you up, son?”
“I’m sorry, Coach. I screwed up...again.”
“That’s what you always say. You do good for a while and then slip. And the next thing I know, you’re back in my office and we’re discussing your fate. You have so much potential...so much going for you. I just don’t understand why you want to throw it all away.”
He was right. I hadn’t changed. I kept regressing into my old habits despite knowing where they’d take me. It was like I couldn’t get away from the pit of destruction. It was determined to follow me and swallow me up until I was trapped there forever. But I refused to let that happen. I had to stand strong against these demons and fight them with everything I had. Knowing I was willing to risk it all just to be with Lexi made me feel that much stronger. I had to stand strong and show them The Raven was one dragon that couldn’t be defeated.
“That’s just it, Coach. I don’t want to throw it away, but I can’t seem to get away from the cards I’ve been dealt.”
“Then get a new deck, son. It’s not that hard.”
I gripped the armrests for support. “I know...and I’m trying.”
“Are you and Lexi over?”
I shook my head. “No, we’re back together.”
“And she knows everything that happened?” He pegged me with a hard stare.
“Most of it.” Although I wasn’t sure whether she’d seen the picture Shawn just showed us, I was willing to bet she had. “She came to the hospital and hasn’t left my side.”
Coach rubbed his left eye. “She’s a damn good woman and you need to straighten up your act so you don’t lose her.”
“I know.” The reality of Lexi leaving me struck the center of my chest. Who was to say she wouldn’t leave me next time? I had already called it off twice, even if the second time was through no choice of my own. “I don’t want to lose her.”
“Then start making good choices, Raven, instead of foolish ones.”
“Yes, sir.” I shook my head.
“Apparently you have something that keeps her coming back. I mean, if she’s willing to leave Collin Norris that must mean something.”
His words were like pouring salt on an open wound. I guessed he had heard she’d been engaged to Collin. Despite how much it hurt to be reminded of that fact, he was right. “I’m trying, Coach, I really am.”
“There’s no trying, only doing.” He pointed a finger at me. “And I’m tired of seeing you mess up. You’re a damn good player and you know it. So pull your head out of your ass and get your shit together, son.” He not only had his coaching hat on, but his fatherly one.
“Yes, sir.” I nodded, taking in his advice. “What about the bowl game?”
He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. As much as I hate to tell you this, but your punishment will be suspension from the playoff game and disciplinary probation from the team. I can’t allow you to play knowing what happened the night before last.” The coach glanced at my medical report and then his phone.
“I understand.” Immediately, my eyes watered and my face got hot. I was pissed and relieved at the same time. This totally sucked. Part of me was thankful I didn’t have to play because I felt like shit, but the other part was mad because it was the chance of a lifetime. And I had screwed up. The thing that bothered me the most was the probation. Would I be able to return for spring training and play next year? It felt like someone knocked the air out of my lungs, leaving me unconscious on the field.
His head dropped and his shoulders sank. “I’ll also have to inform the Ethics Committee and the Dean of Admissions.”
“What?” My heart dropped to my stomach. “Why do they have to know?”
He folded his hands and leaned on his forearms against the desk. “Due to the nature of the offense, I have to inform them. I have no idea what will be decided since it won’t be my decision alone. The university will have to weigh-in on the discussion because it won’t just be about you playing football, but staying at PHU.”
“Oh no.”
“Yes, exactly. You’ve violated the student code of conduct. They might kick you out, permanently. And if they release you, then you can’t play football for PHU. Plain and simple.”
Shit. I hadn’t thought about that. I had more to worry about than I thought. But I had to own up to my mistakes and face the consequences. I just hoped this wasn’t the end of my football career.
Coach stood up and walked from behind his desk. “Just go home, get some rest, and wait to hear from me.” He rubbed his forehead a couple of times. “I have to figure out what we’re going to tell the media and fans.”
I rose slowly. My legs felt like every bone had disintegrated and only weak muscles were holding my body up. My throat tightened and my eyes stung. “Again, I’m sorry I let you down.”
He placed his hand on my shoulder. “I’m glad to know you didn’t take the drugs on your own free will. I’m still pissed you went to Jared’s, though.” He shook his head and I could see the remorse he felt for me. “I’ll be praying for you, son.”
I wiped my face, feeling the drops of moisture that had seeped from my eyes. “Thank you. I appreciate it.” He walked me to the door and I opened it to see Lexi, Shawn, and Shelby waiting for me. Despite all the friend support I had, I needed all the prayers I could get.
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